Chapter 10: My Heart is Broken

I was hurt, I was hurt and there was nothing that could fix me. I couldn't stop thinking of the last time I made love with Pony and how it was most likely the last time. I hated life and I just wished that we never got caught, I sometimes wish I never kissed Pony. I wasn't quite avoiding Pony because I simply didn't want to. He looks at me, a deep wanting burning in his eyes but there was nothing I could do. I didn't talk to him much, it hurt me to talk to him and know he wasn't mine. He kept trying to talk to me but I pushed him away. I remember I was trying to walk to our bedroom and collect some things of mine when he shut the door. I was crouching, pulling a box from underneath the bed when I saw him standing over me. I jumped and looked into his green eyes.

"Pony, what are you doing?" I asked but he didn't answer me.

"Soda..." Pony breathed, he sounded desperate.

"What?" I questioned, I felt my heart start to beat faster.

Pony deeply kissed me and pushed me down onto the floor, he crawled ontop of me. I went to push him away but it felt to good to stop. I placed my hands on his hips and let Pony slip his tongue inside my mouth. He investigated my mouth and I moaned softly into our kiss. We made out on the floor for what seemed to be forever until Pony pulled away, I looked up at him.

"S-Soda, don't leave me, please." Pony whimpered and buried his face into my shoulder.

"Pony, I'm sorry but Darry said-"

"I don't care what Darry says or what anyone says!" Pony cried and sobbed.

"I know, I'm sorry.." I muttered and felt tears well up in my eyes.

Pony lifted his head from my shoulder and rested his forehead on mine. My heart was breaking again and I couldn't make it stop, I sighed heavily. Pony slowly tilted his head to the right and softly pressed his lips to mine once again. I kissed him back and ran my fingers through his soft, greasy hair. He pulled away and sat on my lap, I sat up and wrapped my arms around his waist.

"I love you, Ponyboy, I really do.." I muttered and softly kissed his neck.

Pony moaned and wrapped his arms around my neck, he rested his head on my shoulder.

"I'll never stop loving you, I promise." I whispered and he softly smiled.

"I love you, Soda, forever faithfully." Pony muttered and rubbed his nose against mine.

I giggled and laid Pony down onto the floor, I was ontop of him. He looked into my eyes and smiled softly at me. I softly pressed my lips to his neck and caused him to moan, he tangled his fingers into my hair.

"What are you two doing?" I heard someone ask and I jumped.

I jumped off of Pony and coughed nervously as I sat next to him. Pony sat up and sighed heavily. I looked at the doorway and saw Darry standing there, his hands on his hips.

"Sorry..." I said and slowly stood up, "I'll get my things."

Darry nodded and left the room, I looked over at Pony. He looked confused on what I was talking about and I sighed.

"Darry's making me move back to my old room." I stated and his eyes got wide.

"W-What, why?" Pony stuttered and I saw tears brim in his eyes.

I sighed and crouched by the bed again, I pulled out a cardboard box full of things that were mine. Pony sat silently on the floor behind me and watched me slide it out, I stared into the box for a moment. I saw old yearbooks and some photo albums, I didn't really like looking at them anymore since mom and dad died. I was about to pick the box up when Pony wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled me down onto the floor.

"Soda!" Pony cried and whimpered.

I gagged from him pressing on my throat and he let me go. I looked at him like he was insane and tried to stand up. He grabbed my arm and pulled me down once again.

"No, Soda, don't leave me," Pony sobbed, "what if I have a nightmare? What do I do then?"

I sincerely didn't want to leave Pony alone in his bed at night, especially with his nightmares causing him to completely flip out. I didn't want him to wake up alone, surrounded in darkness with no one to hold him. I didn't know what to do or say.

"P-Pony, don't you think you're old enough now to handle them on your own?" I asked.

Pony looked insulted and crossed his arms over his chest, he let a tear roll down his cheek. I felt bad about what I said but I had no other options.

"You're fifteen years old, I think you can help yourself with those nightmares." I stated and stood up again.

Pony whimpered and looked up at me, multiple tears streamed down his face, I picked up my box and left him there. I felt warm tears fall down my face, I just left him there to cry alone. I was a monster.

. . .

I was sitting in my bedroom now and I hated it, I hated it so much. It felt really strange to be back in my old room after so long. I really didn't want to be in here, it felt so...wrong. Darry got me an appointment with a therapist, I did not want to see one. There was nothing to be fixed...was there? I didn't feel sick and I didn't really need to talk to anyone,I didn't need to be 'fixed'. I looked over at the clock on my nightstand,

"three forty-five..." I sighed and mumbled under my breath.

My appointment was at 3 and I was waiting for Darry to come get me out of my room. I didn't want to go and be told I was sick, that was one of my worst fears. Darry said he told them about what happened and I bet they're going to judge me on the spot. I don't think I cared enough to try and fix their perceptions of me. He said they most likely won't dig too deeply into personal business just yet, he said they want to get to know me some. I didn't want to know jack about them. I felt a presence in my doorway and looked up, Darry was looking at me.

"Come on, Soda." Darry said and walked away from my doorway.

I sighed heavily and stood up, I walked toward my doorway. I walked down the hallway and glanced into Pony's room, he looked at me longingly but quickly turned his attention back to his book. I sighed heavily, knowing that I had hurt him by leaving him to cry on the floor. I followed Darry outside to the truck, I stumbled all the way to the passenger door. I dreadfully opened the door and slowly crawled into the truck, I slammed my door shut in frustration. Darry had gotten in before me because I was being so slow, he sighed heavily and started the truck.

"Soda?" Darry asked.

"Yeah?" I answered, I had my arm resting on the door handle and had my face resting in my hand.

"Please, at least try with these people. They really want to help you and they can't do that unless you cooperate." Darry said had he back out of our driveway and drove forward.

"You make it sound like they're going to brainwash me or somethin'.." I muttered and snickered.

Darry didn't answer me but I really was deeply scared they were going to brainwash me. I heard about things like that, were they going to make me completely change my thoughts? Was I all of a sudden going to like girls again? I shuddered at the thought, I didn't want to go through that at all. I heard what they did to people that were gay...they did some God awful things to them. I hoped they thought I was only delusional, that's a little better. I didn't pay attention much through the car ride but I noticed when we were in the richer part of town. Soc territory. I looked over at Darry like he was insane and he glanced over at me.

"What?" He asked.

"Where the Hell are you taking me?" I questioned, I didn't feel right being on this side of town.

"I'm taking you to the therapist..?" Darry said.

"Why are we in this side of town?" I asked.

"This is where the therapist is, Soda." Darry said, he sounded confused.

"This is where soc's are." I muttered.

"Yeah, so?" Darry asked.

"How do you know this therapist is actually going to help me?" I asked, feeling suspicious of this therapist now.

"They're a grown adult, I doubt they have time for petty teenage social walls and barriers." Darry said.

"Petty teenage barriers..?" I said in a bored tone.

"That's all they are besides the woman you're seeing is in her forties." Darry said.

At least I knew she was a woman but I'm not sure how I felt about talking about my personal stuff with a woman. I thought it was unmanly to open up to a woman but I had to try and talk. I noticed Darry had parked the truck in front of a two story building.

"This is a therapist office..?" I asked, slightly dumbfounded.

"Well, it's a lot of different offices in one building." Darry said and pulled his keys from the ignition.

I had heard of those kinds of places before but I've never visited one. I opened my door and crawled out, I was still looking at the building. It was a tannish brown color and had small, glass doors. Darry closed his door and stepped up to one of the doors, I quickly followed behind. I didn't want to be seen in this part of town by myself. We entered a small waiting room, only a couple other people were in the room. One was a man and sitting next to him was a girl, maybe a little younger than I was. She glanced up at me and looked back to her magazine. Socs. They were socs. I took a seat on the complete oppisite side of the room of them and stared down at my lap, I was so out of place. Darry soon sat next to me but I didn't bother to look up from my lap.

"You okay, Soda?" Darry asked.

"I-I'm fine." I muttered.

"Nervous?" Darry questioned.

I nodded, I felt defeated.

"It'll be alright Pepsi-Cola," Darry ruffled my hair some, "they won't dig deep this time. They just want to get to know you this time."

"I don't want them to dig at all." I said stubbornly.

Darry sighed, "remember what I said about at least trying?"

I groaned, "yes, I remember."

Darry smiled, "good."

We sat in silence now, it was extremely uncomfortable. I felt misplaced and what made it all worse was that there was apparently something wrong with me. I didn't feel ill and I didn't need to be fixed. I had to try at least, for Darry because he took the time to make this appointment for me. I wondered if this woman was nice or was she going to be rude to me. I wanted to believe Darry about her not caring about social barriers but some adults do. Darry tapped me on my shoulder and I jumped out of my thoughts. I looked over at him and he motioned toward a wooden door that was now open. The woman was smiling at me and had long blonde hair, I gulped.

"Go on, Soda, I'll be right here when you're finished." Darry assured and I sighed.

I slowly stood and hesitantly walked over to this mysterious woman. She kept smiling at me, before I walked onto the other side I glanced back at Darry nervously. Darry smiled and waved. I stepped through the doorway and she lead me to a small room.

"Have a seat." She said happily as she took a seat behind the desk, her chair was large and leather.

There were two leather chairs in front of the desk and I took a seat in the right one. I slouched in the chair, not wanting to be here at all.

"You're Sodapop Curtis, correct?" She asked as she pulled out a lined piece of paper and a pen.

I nodded but figured she couldn't see me.

"Yeah, that's me." I muttered.

"Unique name, I like it." She said with a soft smile.

She looked like a soc, pretty, nice looking and she was wearing expensive jewlery.

"I'm Amy Brink, it's nice to meet you, Sodapop." She said.

"You can call me Soda, I don't mind." I muttered, I think I minded just a little bit but that didn't matter.

"I just want you to know that we won't be talking too deep today unless you wanted you to." Amy said.

"I don't really want to talk today.." I admitted and she just nodded.

"I understand, it's especially hard for me to get my male patients to talk." Amy said and laughed.

I smiled and sighed, I wondered if she was going to ask me any questions.

"Soda, do you mind if I ask you some things?" She asked and glanced at me.

I looked into her eyes and noticed she had dark brown eyes, she reminded me of someone. I pushed away the thought,

"Yeah, go ahead." I said.

"Alright..what do you do in your free time usually?" She asked.

"I don't really have any free time.." I muttered, I didn't have much of a hobby or anything.

"Do you have a job?" She asked.

"Yeah, I work in a gas station." I answered.

"Ah, my first job was as a waitress." She said as she wrote something down.

"Do you go to school still?" She asked.

I felt ashamed and embarrassed. Most seventeen year olds would be finishing junior year.

"I dropped out in sophomore year." I admitted.

"Do you want to share why?" She asked.

I didn't like talking about that time in my life, it was rough and it wasn't pretty. I sighed heavily.

"You don't have to share if you don't want to." She said, her voice was soft and understanding.

"No just give me a moment." I said and she nodded.

I sat still, I was shocked about her being so nice to me. I'm sure she could tell I was a greaser and I was sure she was a soc type of woman, I was confused.

"Umm, Miss. Brink?" I asked.

"You can call me Amy but what is it?" She asked.

"Sorry, Amy, but why are you being so nice?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" She questioned, she furrowed her blonde eyebrows in confusion.

"You can tell I'm a greaser, can't you?"

"Well, yes I can."

"Then why are you being nice?"

"You've given me no reason to be rude." She answered simply.

I was so confused, people that wore nice things like she was didn't like people like me.

"Do you see me as a soc?" She asked.

I nodded slowly and she rolled her eyes, I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion.

"When you become my age, things like labels usually start to lose their meaning." She said with a soft smile.

I nodded and figured that was true, I felt like the labels were starting to get old to me and I was only seventeen.

"I treat everyone equally, everyone deserves to have a peaceful mind." She said.

I nodded and I couldn't believe I was agreeing to someone like her. She was writing something on her paper and she looked back to me.

"How old are you, Soda?" She asked, softly.

"I'm seventeen." I muttered.

"I remember when I was seventeen, it was a pretty nice time in my life." She said, she looked like she was reminiscing some.

I wondered how long I had been in here, it didn't feel like it had been long. She I glanced around the room but couldn't find a clock, I slowly gave up on finding one. She was writing some more things down, I swear she looked so familiar. I felt a cold sweat form on my forehead when I realize who she looked like.

Sandy.

I gulped and I hated to look at her now, I shifted awkwardly in my chair. She looked up at me and watched me fiddle around a little.

"Are you alright?" She asked.

I nodded and tried to keep myself calm, she wasn't Sandy. She moved to Florida, she was thousands of miles away.

"Are you sure you're okay?" She asked and slowly stood from her chair.

"I-I'm fine." I lied.

"Okay..." She muttered before sitting back down.

I needed to leave right now, I couldn't handle this right now. I wasn't in a good emotional place to handle this.

"Amy, I need to leave." I spat out.

"Oh, alright, I can't stop stop you.." She muttered.

"Just tell me when my next appointment is, please.." I muttered.

"A week from now," she said, "do you know the way back to the waiting room?"

"Yeah, I know." I lied again, I really had no idea where I was now.

"Okay, bye, Soda, I'll see you in a week." She said and waved at me.

I stumbled out of the room and slowly closed the door behind me. I walked to the left, that's where I was pretty sure we entered from. I found a wooden door and opened it, I was thankful it was the right door. I slowly approached Darry and he looked at me in surprised.

"That was fast," he noticed my slight panicked expression, "are you alright?"

I shrugged, "can we just go home?"

Darry nodded and stood from his chair, he walked to the glass door and I followed close behind. I quickly opened the door to the truck and crawled in, I slammed my door and stared out the window. I felt Darry's eyes on me but I didn't look over at him, I heard him sigh. He started the truck and started to drive home. I was stuck in my mind, the only refuge I had at the moment.

"Soda?" I heard Darry say and I sighed, I turned to him.

"What happened in there?" He asked, he sounded concerned.

"She looks an awful lot like...like.." I stammered, I didn't like to say her name either.

"Who?" Darry asked confused.

"S-Sandy..." I muttered.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Soda, I can get you to see someone else-"

"No, it's alright, she's pretty nice to me." I said with a slight smile.

"That's good. Darry said happily.

"Yeah, I guess.." I muttered and stared out of my window.

. . .

Soon, me and Darry were back at home and I quickly jumped out of the truck. I felt so upset and beyond stressed out. I was about to walked to the front door when I felt Darry place his hand on my shoulder,

"when's your next appointment?" He asked.

"A week from today." I muttered and quickly walked into the house.

I was sure Darry was confused but I needed some sort of relief, I walked by Pony's room and glanced inside. He glanced up at me and quickly looked away, my heart broke. I walked into my room and slowly shut the door behind me, I let a sob escape my lips. It was like she was haunting me. It wasn't my fault she cheated on me and got knocked up, or was it? Was I not good enough for her? I gasped and stumbled to my nightstand. I quickly opened the drawer and pulled out my rarely used pack of cigarettes. I plopped down onto my bed and fumbled to open the pack. I finally got it open and stared at the cigarettes inside, only a couple of them were gone. I rarely smoked, I never found the need to unless I was stressed. I needed one, I needed the relief it gave me. I pulled one out and placed it in between my lips. I dug in the drawer for my green lighter, I stared at the lighter. The green reminded me of Pony's eyes and I dropped it. I couldn't use that, I just couldn't. I stumbled to my dresser and dug around in the drawers, I had to have some matches somewhere. I found my small box of matches and pulled them out, I stared at them like they were some lost treasure I had just found. I walked back to my bed and looked at the green lighter on the floor. I kicked it under my bed and sat back onto my bed. I opened the box and pulled out a match, I slid it across the box to light it up. I stared at the small flamed and put to my cigarette. I waved the match a little through the air to put it out, I took a long drag off the cigarette. I pulled the cigarette from my mouth and blew out the smoke. I sighed contently, I felt a lot calmer from just one drag. I laid down onto my back and took in another drag. I blew out the smoke and watched it fade away. I sighed and sat up, I pulled out my ash tray from the drawer and placed it on my nightstand. I flicked my ashes into it and put the cigarette back in between my lips. I stared up at the ceiling and felt at ease, nothing seemed to be bothering me anymore. I pushed it all to the back of my mind.

I finished my cigarette and flicked the last ashes off into the tray. I didn't put it out in the tray, I looked back and forth between my arm and the cigarette. I had a weird urge to put it out on my arm and the urge won. I slowly pressed the cigarette against my arm and winced from the burn but I also felt some sort of release from the pain. I pulled the cigarette from my forearm and stared at the burn, it wasn't too bad of a burn. It felt rather...nice to inflict that pain. I shrugged and placed the butt in the tray. I laid down onto my bed and continued to stare at the ceiling. Today was such a stessful day, I sighed heavily.

"I hope it all gets better soon." I muttered to myself and ran my fingers through my hair.

I heard my bedroom door open and I looked over, I saw Pony standing in my doorway.

"Pony, what are you doing in here?" I asked.

"I-I just want to ask how your appointment went..." Pony muttered.

I was confused on why he wanted to know anything about it since they were trying to get me to fall out of love with him.

"It was weird.." I admitted.

"How so? What happened?" Pony asked.

I felt irritated by Pony, I didn't want to talk to him because it just makes me miss him even more. I sighed heavily and sat up.

"The therapist, she looks a lot like Sandy." I muttered and Pony seemed to get a scowl on his face.

"Oh." Pony said and I nodded.

We sat in silence for a few moments until Pony coughed.

"Soda..?" Pony asked.

"What?" I said, somewhat agitated.

"Do you ever think of me..?" He asked shyly.

I felt my heart slam to the floor and I gulped, it had been a week since I had moved to my room. It didn't feel right to be in here. I wanted to be in bed right now with Pony, I wanted to be holding him against me. What do I say? Oh god...

"Yeah, I do sometimes.." I admitted.

Pony nodded and smiled, he walked out of the room and shut the door behind himself. I sat still for a moment, completely confused on what that was. I shrugged and laid back down to stare at the ceiling some more. I hoped that my next appointment wouldn't involve me freaking out on Amy again, she was too nice for me to just being walking out for no reason. I sighed, I just wanted everything to be okay like it used to be.