APRIL

Diligent work was put into braiding the back of my hair. I braided it frequently for work and rarely was it a big deal or something that I thought twice about. Often, it was easier to flip a braid up and tuck it into a scrub cap than it was a ponytail just because it was all contained, and it came down much neater. But today, it's more than just convenience for sticking it in my cap in case I get to operate on someone today. It's attention to detail, proof that my hands and fingers can work and do the same things that they did before. One little piece, the icing on the cake, doing everything that I could to make it known.

My baby hairs are smoothed back behind my ears, makeup covering up the small bags beneath my eyes. Today was going to be my day. Even though I had gotten to get back to work in the emergency room the day before, that had been an impulse, an opportunity to prove myself – but far from planned or conventional. It had been out of desperation from the others.

Now, it was a well-thought out decision, one in which I had to continue to prove myself. I had to make sure that it hadn't just been luck that had kept my hand steady while I was working in the trauma room. It would take much more to prove that I was ready to be an operating room again. Operating with Bailey was something that normally I wouldn't have thought twice about in the past, especially on something as simple as an appendectomy. They were simple procedures that certainly didn't require two surgeons as talented as each of us were individual. Interns and residents generally handled it unless there was something else factoring in. But now, it was going to be the thing that proved to her my hands were as they had been before, that the accident had not taken away my ability to do the best job in the world.

The alarm on the counter buzzed, reminding me that I needed to leave. Being on-time was rarely an issue for me. Sure, I had fallen out of my usual routine, but waking up this morning had been easy. I just wanted to make sure that I was bright and early for everything.

Harriet and Jackson were already in the kitchen getting ready. I'd been dealing with her most mornings now since he was working properly and I, well, hadn't been. Given that today was such a big deal for me, though, he had taken over all of the regular morning duties – breakfast and getting her dressed, making coffee, citing that he wanted to do everything possible to make today as much of a breeze as possible for me. It was appreciated though hard to focus on anything other than the prospect of getting back inside of an operating room again.

"Sweetheart?" I caught Jackson peeking in through bedroom. "Are you ready?"

"Yes!" I called out, briefly straightening up the counter before joining him. "I'm good to go."

He bent down, kissing my lower lip softly. "I'm excited for you," he murmured.

"You don't have to be. I'm excited enough." I smiled up at him.

Even though he had taken over most baby duties for the morning, I still scoop Harriet up to take her to the car, covering her with sweet kisses and hugs, letting all of my joy flow from myself to her. She doesn't put up a fuss getting into the car seat, or when we get to daycare. It was a good thing, it made it just a little easier to get excited about working again.

"Good luck today," Jackson murmured after walking me down to the emergency room.

"I don't need it." I beamed up at him.

"I know." He gave me a smile before walking off.

Checking the time on my watch, I was early. Bailey was likely to be early too, of course. Even though I knew she was busy with being the chief, she was still an absolute force to be reckoned with and managed all of her responsibilities flawlessly now. It had been a bit of a bumpy start, sure, with the whole Minnick debacle. I knew Minnick was still hanging around the hospital too. Hopefully, I could go a day or two without having to see or deal with her while I adjusted back.

The emergency room looked the same as it always did. Owen had teasingly complained that things were never running as smoothly without her as they were with, but I knew that he had managed to get everything under control in the months since the plane crash.

Optimism was something that had been shaky in the past few months. I had done my best to keep my faith despite everything that was happening in my life, I knew that was important. I couldn't give up on my faith and survive everything else in my life. I had to keep it together for Jackson and for Harriet, and for myself. Believing and praying made it a little easier with every day that passed. Today was the day that I really needed to keep it close to my heart and close to my hands. I had been the one to harvest and grow my talent but it all due to Him and His eternal love, the strength that He gave me. Today would just be a demonstration of that.

"Kepner!" Upon hearing my name, I turned around quickly. "Are you ready to scrub in?" Bailey questioned before I had the chance to greet her or say anything else.

"Yes, of course," I answered with a quick nod. "Ready when you are."

"I'm always ready." Bailey took off toward the elevators and I followed immediately.

Jitters began to surface and I pressed my palms against the outside of my thighs to make sure that they're still. It was the first time that I had to do it for something that, well, was technically within my control. The little shakes were just from being excited about getting back into my favorite place.

"Now, you know that I have to be hard on you today. Nothing can go wrong on this procedure. I know you know how to do an appendectomy but you've been out of the game for a while now." Her voice was firm as she spoke and I understand why.

"I know," I nodded. "Today's going to be fine, I promise. I'm ready to operate. I'm so ready."

"I trust you," Bailey said with a look up at me. "I know that you're good at your job, Kepner, and I know that Hunt is more than ready to have you back in the emergency room today. I want everything to go well today."

"Thank you," I smiled sincerely down at her.

A soft sing went off as the elevator doors opened again and we stepped out. Though Bailey was short in stature, she moved as if she hadn't the longest legs in the world, quick as always. All of the extra energy in my system made it easier than usual to keep up with her. Both of our names were already written on the O.R. board. Nice and early in the morning, there would be no distractions for either of us given how short the procedure generally was.

Reaching the scrub room, I smiled to myself before turning on the sink and beginning the four minute process of thoroughly washing my hands and forearms. The cool water felt good against my skin. From washing my hands so frequently, they had always been a little dry. It felt different against the burns on my arm. Though the prescribed lotion had helped and I slathered it every night in some different conception to try and minimize the appearance of scars across my arm, it would never look as smooth or beautiful as it had before the accident. Usage had returned to where it was, but the appearance never would. I had always preached that the inside mattered more than the outside. Now was the time to believe it.

Just over four minutes passed and Bailey had finished humming her tune, and I followed her into the O.R., back first. I can't keep the smile off my face as I slip into the familiar surgical down and one of the scrub nurses put gloves on my hands, size six and a half, just like always. It felt too good, too comfortable. It was right where I was supposed to be.

"You make the first cut. Kepner. This is your show. I'm just here to witness it." Bailey said.

Taking a deep breath, I nod my head. I could do this.

"Tin blade." I requested.

The weight of the instrument is familiar in my hands. Pressing the sharp blade into the flesh of the patient on the table, it glided across for that first incision easily. My hand did exactly what I wanted it to – just the right amount of pressure, the seamless control without a tremor. All of the hours of physical therapy and practicing on fruits and gloves and everything else was proving itself to be worth the frustration and tears right now. Every careful step taken proved that one of my worst fears had not become a reality. I could do this. I could be a surgeon again.

Time flies by. Even though this particular surgery was always a quick one, it seemed to go faster than ever, faster than what was possible. The thrill and excitement of being back inside of an operating room even for something as simple and occasionally boring as an appendectomy distorted my sense of time, and it's far too soon before I'm putting stables inside of the body and closing him up for good.

"Everything looks good," Bailey said as I stepped away from the table. "You don't need me or anyone else to babysit you."

"Thank you," I beamed as I pulled the surgical mask off my face, nearly hugging her. The only thing that stopped me was the fact that we both needed to scrub out. "Thank you," I repeated.

"Don't thank me," she shook her head. "You worked hard for this."

Her words were true. I had worked hard. The plane crash had already changed so much between us and I couldn't imagine losing such a big part of my life because of it. Enough was already different, some of it for the worse, but this didn't have to be one of those things.

Pushing the knob on the sink with my elbow and turning it off once I was finished scrubbing out again, I shook some excess water droplets of my hand before grabbing a paper towel to finish drying them and tossing it away. I was done. The patient was alive and stable and their appendix would go to medical waste like anything else. I was a surgeon again. A kickass, crazy talented, trauma surgeon who had managed to overcome something that had seemed so impossible at the beginning. There was nothing in the world that could stop me and nothing that could take away this feeling from me.

A confident smile on my face for the first time in a long time, I pulled my scrub cap and let my braid fall back out, tucking it into the front pocket of my scrubs and heading to the elevator to go down to the emergency room. If I wasn't going to be busy in the operating room, then I would be busy downstairs in the E.R. There was almost always something down there going on and today, even though it was a little twisted, I was hoping that something gnarly would come in. I wanted to prove myself on so much more than just a simple appendectomy. Anyone could have done that with a little luck. I needed something that was going to prove that I was just as crazy talented as I had always been and that there was not any room for doubt about it.

Elevator doors opened up and I headed into the E.R., taking everything in for what it was. It was a little noisy but not over the top, and I could see the interns and residents keeping busy with what was going in and out, assessing cases for what was surgical and what could be catered off for another department to handle.

"April." Owen's surprised voice caught my attention and I turned my head, a smile filling my curves. "How did your surgery with Bailey go?" He asked.

"Perfect." I beamed. "I'm cleared for work like normal. I'm back here full-time."

"That's great." To my surprise, he pulled me in for a quick hug. I returned the embrace fondly. He had always been like an older brother to me and his support was expected. "I'm glad to have you back, April. Things around here just aren't the same without you."

"Well, hopefully, that'll never happen again." I would have to keep my fingers crossed for that.

"Hopefully," he agreed with a nod as he pulled away. "Well, let's get you back to work. I'm sure that you must be itching for it." A sympathetic smile rested on his lips as he looked down at me, clapping my shoulder.

I nodded along with him. "Of course," I agreed. "I love Harriet and it's been so nice to have more and more time with her lately, don't get me wrong, but it just feels wrong to not be as work. This place is just as much of a home to me as my actual home is, so…" My words trailed off and I shrugged my shoulders.

"I get what you mean," Owen murmured. "Have things been easier at home? With Jackson?"

"Yeah," I breathed out with a nod. I had nearly forgotten that I had talked to him about everything. "We… we're in a good place right now, actually, both individually and as a couple, I think. I don't know that it's been like that for us since before everything with Samuel happened. So it's really good for the both of us. And we're maybe going to try for another baby soon, so that's a good thing." I shouldn't have been telling anyone that just yet – but if there was anyone in this hospital who was going to understand the insatiable desire for one, it was Owen.

"Really?" His eyebrows shot up. "April, that's great." He smiled. "That's great, for the both of you. I'm sure that Harriet would be a good old sister, too."

"I think so," I agreed. "It might be a little uh, hard, but we're going to give it a try anyway."

Both of our pagers suddenly went off at the same time and we each paused the conversation to look at them. An incoming was coming from an MVC, multiple people with sustained injuries. This was what I had been asking for today. I couldn't help but smile even though the information wasn't necessarily good.

"Good luck," Owen said firmly. "Now, let's get to work."

The day in the emergency room flew by. I barely had time to get coffee or stuff a snack down between everything that was going on. Four different patients came into the emergency room and two of them were critical, desperately in need of an O.R. stat. Being able to lead in my own surgery right off the bat was thrilling, not having a babysitter or someone watching me more carefully than they were watching their own hands. It was the assertion and independence that I needed to prove myself, even if there was no one to witness it besides the second year. Despite how hard of a save it was, I bring him out to the other side against all odds. By the time I scrub out, I'm nearly disappointed to have to come down from such an intense high of adrenaline.

The end of the day came by far soon than I expected it to. There was a part of me that was ready for another shift right then and there, even if my feet are just a little sore, no longer used to spending all day on them. But it was easy enough to ignore. All of the other great things that came from this were more than worth a little soreness that I would get used to as soon as this was my regular schedule again.

Finding my way back downstairs again but not bothering to change out of my scrubs, it doesn't take me long to find Jackson. He was waiting for me with Harriet in her stroller already, bending down to greet me with a kiss as I approached the both of them. I kissed Harriet on her cheek.

"How was the surgery? I saw you had another on the O.R. board." He questioned, smiling.

"It was perfect. I'm back to my old self again." In a professional sense, at least. The same could not be said for much else but that was fine. "I had a long surgery on an MVC guy who shouldn't have made it, but, he did. I'm great. I'm so happy."

"Well, I've got another piece of good news for you, too," Jackson commented as we began to head toward the car, one arm around me and the other pushing our daughter's stroller.

"What's that?" I asked, glancing up at him.

"I pulled a couple of strings and connections that my mom has, and I got us an appointment at the Sound Fertility clinic with Dr. Lin. She's supposed to be one of the best in the city and my mom knows her, she's heard nothing but good things about her, so… it should be a good place to start. I thought it would be a little bit of a stretch to head down the coast and see Addison Montgomery. I know that a couple people around here know and recommend her, but it's a two day drive, so…" We both knew why flying was out of the picture. "She actually wasn't accepting new patients but once I talked to her one-on-one, she penned us in immediately."

A large smile grew across my face. "Really?" After the conversations that we had about it, I thought it was something I would have to do myself. "That's– wow, thank you, that's great. When's the appointment?" I questioned, picking up Harriet from her stroller to put her in the car seat.

"Tomorrow morning," Jackson answered simply.

"Really?" I questioned, glancing at him as he put up the stroller in the back seat of the car. "That soon? How did she have the time in her schedule?"

"She moved stuff around for us," he shrugged slightly, shutting the trunk and walking around to the driver's seat. I got in the passenger seat. "She said that she was happy to do anything for the son of Catherine Avery. Can't say my last name's given us nothing."

I reached over, squeezing his hand as he began to back out of the parking spot. "Thank you for this."

"Don't," he stole a quick kiss from my lips before beginning to drive. "I want this too, April. I know that I may not have made that clear at the beginning, but I'd make a hundred babies with you."

"I'd make a hundred babies with you, too." I beamed to myself. "A hundred and two."

"A hundred and two might be excessive. Let's just stick with one hundred." Jackson chuckled. "What do you think about that, Hattie?" His voice softened slightly as he spoke to our daughter and I glanced back at her briefly to watch her little facial expressions. "Do you think that you'd like to have a little brother or sister?"

"Yeah!" Harriet enthused. I'm not sure if she understood the question completely, but it made me smile.

"You're such a good girl," I cooed, twisting my arm and reaching back for her. Her tiny fingers wrap around one of mine and hold it and squeeze it. For the rest of the car ride, I keep my arm just like that even though it hurt my shoulder just a bit.

Pulling into the driveway, it's a little later than the time that we would have usually gotten home from a day of work. To try and compensate for it and not mess with Harriet's nightly routine too much, I make quick work of dinner and throw on a pot of pasta to make some spaghetti for all of us. She still got a bit fussy if we weren't regular about getting her to bed and neither one of us wanted to mess with her schedule like. Dinner flew by, as did bath time and putting her down for the night. With a pinch of luck, she would sleep through the entire night without waking up.

I take a long, steamy shower to clear some of the exhaustion from my body. But it's not till Jackson joined me inside that I finally relax, his hands starting innocently on my shoulders then disappearing between my thighs, bringing me over the edge before picking me up and fucking me against the tile walls. We become one, steamed up even more from the contact between us. He tired out what little energy was left inside of me.

For the sake of the appointment in the morning, I take a little longer in the shower once he was finished, washing out every little bit of me and shaving down there thoroughly. Jackson doesn't mind that I usually have some hair down there even though I maintain it neatly for both of us, really, but any time that I'm going to have a doctor appointment that involves something down there, I always clear out as much of it as I can. I know it's not necessary and that they see it on people every day. I saw it on people every day and it didn't affect me as a professional. But there was still just a little bit of a compulsion for things to be as tidy as possible. At least it gave me one tiny piece of control over the inevitable challenges that were coming our way.

Collapsing into bed that night in a clean nightie, I crawled under the sheets and curled up against him, inhaling the scent that I couldn't describe as anything other than Jackson. His arm curled around me and for once, I fall asleep without a problem.

Nor do I wake up at any point in the night from nightmares on his end. It hadn't happened in nearly a week with him. The medication that Dr. McCullough seemed to be working, he was better than he had been before. Both of us were getting better. It was almost a little worrisome to know that things were going so well. It was like a reminder that there was still a lot we could lose.

"Wake up, sleepyhead." Gentle hands gave me a slight shake.

Blinking a few times, it takes a moment for my vision to be able to focus on Jackson hovering above me. I was so used to being the first one awake that it nearly scared me.

"Hi," I breathed out quietly, beginning to sit up. "Is it really already morning?" I croaked out.

"Uh-huh," he nodded. "I'm going to go get Harriet up. I let Bailey know that we have a doctor's appointment and that we're going to be a little late. Did you tell Hunt?"

"I'll text him," I murmured. "Let me get up and use the bathroom first."

Swinging my legs off of the bed, I blindly make my way to the bathroom to get my contacts in before going about the rest of my morning routine, including a quick text to Owen to let him know what was going on. The appointment was definitely early, likely the first of Dr. Lin's day from the time that we had scheduled.

Harriet was more awake on this particular morning than I was. It's a little bit of a hassle to drop her off at the daycare in the hospital then head to the clinic building. It wasn't much of a drive, fortunately, about fifteen minutes up the road and just off of 5th Street. Trying to get parking was the worst part of it, always a nightmare in Seattle but especially at this time of day with all of the morning traffic that never seemed to cease. But Jackson does eventually pull into one of the parking garages. I was ready to be poked and prodded if it meant good news.

"After you," Jackson murmured, opening up the door for me.

The reception that greeted us was exceptionally friendly as she checked us in. There were a few forms to go through with new patient paperwork and I sit down to get them down. My medical history is complicated after everything that we had been through and it takes a little bit longer than I would have liked before I'm finished with everything and able to hand it back over to the reception to give to Dr. Lin.

Sitting back down in the waiting chairs and waiting with Jackson, trying not to grow too impatient, I lean into him. The decor is predictable – mothers and their children, posters explaining the physical aspects of pregnancy and what the body goes through. I was sure that I had seen it in some parenting book that I had read through when I was pregnant with Samuel or Harriet. Before that, I had definitely seen it in medical textbooks during the brief interest that I had with obstetrics. I could have labeled a blank one without trying.

"April Kepner?" A woman's voice called out.

"Hi, that's me." I stood up, extending my hand quickly to take hers and shake it. "And this is Jackson Avery. My– boyfriend. Partner. We've been together a long time. We have a daughter together." In a circumstance like this, it's a little awkward to not be married, but I don't linger on the thought.

"Hi, nice to meet you." Jackson threw in, taking her hand and shaking it after mine.

"Well, come on back, I'll take you both to an exam room." She smiled. "I'm Dr. Lin. I'm going to take care of everything for you. We'll get some blood work done to test for a few things and I'll have you get in the stirrups so I can look at a few things myself. I understand that you've been told in the past it's unlikely for you to be able to get pregnant?"

"Yeah," I sighed out, following her into the patient room. "I uh, we actually, we were in a plane crash a couple of months ago. I had an ovary removed and a few other things. One of the surgeons in there, she said that it was unlikely. She's a fetal surgeon. Dr. Arizona Robbins."

"A fetal surgeon?" Dr. Lin questioned, waiting for my nod before continuing. "Well, then it's a good thing you came for a surgeon. I've heard about her and I'm sure that she's immensely talented, but if she's not a fertility specialist, then I wouldn't want to trust what she said about it completely. This isn't her area of expertise. Let's get a blood draw from you and then I'll do an exam. We have our lab here so it shouldn't take long to get the results back." She explained thoroughly.

Taking a deep breath, I gave a nod. "That makes sense." Even if it seemed similar, it wasn't the exact same specialty. There was a chance that Arizona could have been wrong.

"Jackson, I would be wrong not to ask how your mother is doing." Dr. Lin spoke.

I let the two of them chatter back and forth for a moment as she took my blood, not wincing as I watch the needle go in. It's a little different to have your own blood taken that to deal with it as a doctor, but really, nurses did most of the work when it came to that kind of thing. I was surprised that Dr. Lin was doing it herself, but I suppose that was a part of what she meant when she said that she was going to handle everything herself. She left the room momentarily to hand it off to one of the orderlies as I changed into a gown.

"She seems really nice," Jackson commented while we were alone.

"Yeah," I agreed. "I hope that she's right, what she said. That Arizona just… wasn't entirely qualified to say what she said. I love her, I do, and I know that she's good at what she does. I just hope that she was wrong about this."

A knock on the door ceased our conversation and I invited her back in again, getting up on the table. As she does her exam, I stay quiet even with the bit of pressure that some of it caused. It was quite easy to be an annoying patient. I didn't want to pour out all of the things that I knew and had looked up about the situation even if it had been a lot. I was never good at stopping myself once I started spiraling into research. But this was her area of expertise. I wouldn't want her telling me how to do my job. I could try to respect that for her.

"So, how is it looking?" Fortunately, Jackson asked when I was being timid about it.

"Based on your medical history, it's about what I would expect." Dr. Lin started vaguely. "A normal uterine cavity and endometrial lining are necessary to conceive and maintain a pregnancy. Scar tissue within the uterine cavity can partially or completely obliterate the normal cavity and can interfere with conception or increase the risk for miscarriage or other complications later in the pregnancy. You don't show signs of Asherman Syndrome, which is good, and you put down that you have regular periods, is that still true?"

"Yeah," I nodded quickly. "I've never taken birth control and uh, now that I'm no longer breastfeeding my daughter and not on any medication, my periods have returned to normal. Light and regular, just like they've been my whole life. I've always been like a clock." I explained, speaking a little too quickly.

Dr. Lin nodded. "So, I need to wait for the bloodworm to get back to be sure, but right now, I don't think getting pregnant is going to be the problem. Based on the scar tissue, I would be more worried about being able to maintain a pregnancy from the first trimester and beyond." She explained. "Now, I have said that to couples who now have beautiful, happy children. I can write you a prescription that will try and help buff up your uterus, essentially. It's a progesterone supplementation, to be inserted vaginally, twice a day during the second half of their menstrual cycles. Progesterone has been shown to help stabilize the endometrium which helps the healthy embryo develop. How does that sound?"

All of the information was just a little overwhelming to hear and I took a moment to repeat what she had said in my head. It sounded correct. All of it made sense. But it was hard to say which was worse – not being able to get pregnant at all, or facing the idea of losing children to miscarriages while trying to get pregnant. It wouldn't be the exact same as Samuel. Both of us would know going in, it wouldn't catch us by surprise, and I wouldn't make it to nearly the third trimester, more than likely. The odds went down significantly after thirteen weeks. It would be painful, but a different kind of painful.

"You've had success with this before?" Jackson asked.

"Yes, absolutely," Dr. Lin answered. "Particularly for women struggling to stay pregnant."

"It's still the first half of my cycle," I murmured, half to myself. "Uh, I mean, if you think it'll work… it sounds like a good idea. Sorry, I'm just a little overwhelmed right now." I sat up, blinking back sudden tears. "I thought this was going to be a lot harder or you'd say there's no hope."

"It's nothing like that," she smiled sincerely at me. "There's always hope, especially for you two."

"I think I'd like to try it." I glanced over at Jackson, chewing at my lower lip and reading his response. He gave me a nod of his head. I figured in a situation like this, he was going to go along with whatever I said. When I had been pregnant with Harriet, I had made it clear enough that it was my body and my decision. Things were different now but he still seemed to respect that.

"Great," Dr. Lin replied. "I'll write the prescription officially once I get your blood work back and if anything is different, then I'll give you a call. You're free to go ahead and start trying as soon as you want to. Just be careful about following the instructions, which I'm sure I don't have to tell you."

That was a given. I'd always been a stickler about that type of thing but now was more important than ever.

The appointment doesn't take too long after that. A part of me wished that it had been scheduled for the night so that we could go home and talk about everything instead of having to carry it around in my head for the rest of the day, but at least there's a brief chance in the car ride with just the two of us. There was no way that I would have been able to keep all of it inside and I didn't want to blurt it out to anyone else until we had the chance to talk about it first.

"So, do you really think we should do this? That was… better news than I anticipated." Jackson admitted.

"I do," I answered with a nod. "I want this, Jackson. I really do."

"If it's going to be hard, though, I think there's one thing that we need to get out and in the open right now. I know how hard Samuel was for you and it was for me, too. We ended up grieving him together and if we're going to go through a rough time like that with this… we can't do that again. We won't make it." He breathed out. "If we're going to try, we need to be completely open with each other. No holding back. We're all in this together."

I looked at him, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze.

"Of course we'll be open. We're doing to do this, together."