Hard to Remember, Impossible to Forget
Chapter Nine
Sleeping with Damon every night for the past six days only made things more difficult for Elena. She was becoming dependent of him but not in an emotional way. Well at least not the way most women become dependent on their partners. Elena needed him to put a smile on her face when her world seemed about to fall apart. The incident in her house before they headed to the carnival never happened again and they pretty much just made out and talked until they fell asleep. Although he was one of the biggest reasons why she was hurting so much he was also the only good thing she had going on.
The past week had been very emotionally charged for both her and John. They visited Katherine and the memories of that day still made her cry.
Elena had always hated hospitals. She didn't like the way they looked or smelled but she especially hated how hopeless some people there looked. Of course there were happy people because their loved ones recovered well or because of the many babies born every day. But not once had she been to a hospital and not seen people who couldn't be comforted any way. She had never been seriously sick nor was her mother but they had the occasional visits to the ER with simple things and those had been enough for her to be in contact with the sterile environment she hated. And now, as she followed the doctor through the maze of hallways and doors she hated it even more. She didn't go to the hospital the day after Damon sent her the flowers. She didn't feel prepared for seeing Katherine yet and it wasn't until two days later that she let her father know she was finally ready.
She had been absolutely wrong. She wasn't nearly ready to see and hear what she did that afternoon. But as she sat by Katherine's side holding her motionless hand she wondered if she would ever be ready for that. That was it. Her old dream of having her sister was nearly dead as much as Katherine. The doctor started explaining how the latest tests they ran showed that Katherine was actually brain dead. The small activity her brain had been doing on its own for the past three weeks finally stopped and the moment the machines were unplugged she would be dead. At first it was just a deep comatose state but now she was already considered dead except for the respiratory and cardiovascular functions the machines kept going on. John had been devastated and after a while Elena stopped hearing the two men were saying.
She looked at Katherine's pale skin. John said they were absolutely alike and for the pictures she saw in his house and in Damon's Katherine had the same beautiful, flawless skin Elena had. But now her sister looked too pale with huge purple bruises on her face, that were still slightly swollen and on her exposed arms. There was still a curative around her head, covering her forehead from the surgery they'd done once she was admitted. It wasn't a matter of if anymore. It was about when and it only depended on when their lie was going to stop. Katherine would never wake up and all the things Elena still hoped were gone.
She prayed every night and morning for her sister. Sometimes Damon thought she was already asleep but she was silently pleading for God to save her sister, to give them a chance to be sisters and to give Damon a chance to be happy. She knew Katherine's condition was crucial but she also knew for sure that there was nothing impossible for God. She also went to church whenever she could, especially after she dropped college. She was thankful for the vesper services and for the easy location. The insurance claim had been finalized and John got her a car. It was helpful to pray for her sister. It made her feel better about all the bad things she'd been doing since she went to New York. The occasional talk with Isobel also helped but still it hadn't been enough to save her sister. Of course Elena wanted Katherine to recover because she loved her sister and because she wanted to have a chance to really be her sister but not once when she prayed and hoped for Katherine's cure she hadn't thought about what it would mean for Damon. It would make him happy, it would give him and Katherine a chance and honestly… it would help her with her conscience. But now her hope was gone.
Still holding her sister's hand, John asked the doctor to leave them alone with Katherine. Elena had been wearing giant sunglasses and she had a scarf around her hair. They told the doctor she had an irritation in her eyes and the light, especially the very bright light of the hospital, was making it worse. When the young man finally left, Elena got rid of the objects that while didn't hide her features completely, they allowed her resemblance to the patient in the bed not to be so obvious.
Her eyes were red and puffy already and John sat by the other side of the gurney. He rested his arms by Katherine's side and lay down his head on them while he muttered things Elena couldn't understand. She couldn't make them out because she was lost in her own thoughts. She wondered what Katherine would say once she woke up. Many times those days she wondered if her sister would hate her or be thankful for what she did. If she would be resentful or glad to have Elena there? She had a chance to talk to Giuseppe a couple of times since their first conversation and the general idea she got not only from him but her father and even Damon was that Katherine was more than just collected. She was cold but not in a mean way, just detached sort of cold. It was crystal clear for Elena that Katherine didn't let anyone in but still she hoped it would be different with her. Of course she feared Katherine would be even colder towards her because of the farce but she also knew Katherine would do anything for John and it had been his idea to have Elena there. She tried to keep herself positive that at least her sister would forgive her about everything. She was positive the damage done to Damon wouldn't be fixed by anyone and she was sure he would never forgive her. But everything would be worth it if Katherine gave her a chance. That was the illusion that kept Elena going through those days and now that illusion was gone. The cruel reality was that she was going to lose her sister and the man she was in love and she was sure she would lose so much more with it. She would lose her dreams of a happy family with her father and sister, she would lose her hopes of living the love story she had always dreamed about, she would lose her heart and she just hoped God would be merciful enough to forgive her and give her another chance at happiness. She knew herself too well to be sure she would never be able to forgive herself for the pain she caused to him and in her worse days, as already crossed her mind, she wouldn't be able to forgive herself for the disappointment and disgust Katherine would feel if she ever woke up. As much as her close relationship with God and Damon's constant attention and love had allowed her to have more positive than negative moments it didn't mean she didn't have it really bad some days.
But the reality proved to be much worse than she could have imagined. Of course she was quite aware that Katherine wouldn't ever wake up or would even die, of course those possibilities had crossed her mind more times than she could count. That was the worst case scenario. Even if Katherine, Damon and even herself hated her because of her lies it would still be better than having Katherine dead. But the real thing had been much more devastating and painful than the many times she imagined what it would be if the worst happened.
Maybe Katherine would never be ready to have Elena in her life but Elena also would never be ready to lose her sister forever. And while she mentally asked her sister for forgiveness, hoping that maybe she could feel it through the close bond twins shared, she also asked God to give her family and Damon the strength to deal with Katherine's departure. She would never have a chance to really ask Katherine to forgive her or to explain her reasons. She would never have a chance to confide in Katherine the way she confided in Isobel and maybe dare to share the few things she kept from her mother, not feeling absolutely comfortable to share such intimate things with Isobel. She would never have a chance to show to Katherine that not everyone would go away and let her behind hurting. She would never have a chance to prove that love was more than a reward it was also a blessing. She would never have a chance to say how lucky Katherine was for having a man like Damon be in love with her not only because of the kind of man he was but also because of the nature of his feelings, she had never seen such a strong love. But all the dreams Elena had in her mind died the moment Katherine's brain stopped working by itself.
That had been two days ago and Elena still felt those emotions running wildly through her heart. The guilt, the lack of hope, the constant pain and the relentless feeling of loss. It only made it worse that she lost the sister she never really had. And to keep all those feelings from Damon made the time they spend together more difficult. She couldn't tell him about her sister dying. She had this plan in her mind and she needed him to take a few days after finding out about Katherine before he found out about her. She made sure to say more than once that her ill sister was younger than her in the hope he wouldn't make the connection before she put her plan in action. If everything went according to her plans, and there was a big chance it wouldn't, she would give him some days, maybe just a few or too many, to recover the best he could from losing Katherine. It wasn't fair that in the summit of his pain he also found out that he had been lied to and deceived.
But now she was heading to his house earlier than he was supposed to arrive because she wanted to talk to Giuseppe about when they should let Damon know about Katherine. The doctors assured John that Katherine would be kept on the machines for as long as he wanted but that it was just a waste of time and resources because her chances were zero. John said Giuseppe should be the one to decide it as he had already been mourning his daughter for the last three weeks. It was hard for a man like John to have the faith his friend and older daughter talked about. He was skeptical and thought he really didn't have a reason to believe God wanted to spare his daughter when he allowed her to be in such a tragic accident in the first place. Now he knew it would be totally different for Damon and he thought after everything he did that it was for the best if Giuseppe and Elena decided when to stop with the lies.
Elena called beforehand and Giuseppe said he only had a routine visit to the doctors at two in the afternoon and probably an hour later he would back at the house but it was already three forty-five and he was yet to show up. She said to the head maid she would wait for him but before she made it to the couch Caroline and Stefan entered the living room.
"Ele…" Stefan started and his girlfriend actually had to nudge him with her elbow. "Katherine, nice to see you again," Stefan recovered from the physical abuse from the blond and properly greeted the brunette.
"I know," Caroline muttered to Elena and instead of comforting her that she was lying to one less person she felt like she was betraying Damon even further. It was like everyone around him knew what happened except for him.
"You can trust her," Stefan muttered as he hugged the woman who pretended to be his future sister-in-law. Although Elena and Damon had slept most nights together it was the first time Elena met Stefan since he found about who she was. She spent all nights in Damon's bedroom instead of her own but Stefan was either out with Caroline and came home after she and Damon headed to his bedroom or he didn't come back home at all, also having sleepovers at his girlfriend's house.
"Are you waiting for Damon?" Stefan asked checking his watch and thinking it was actually too early for Damon to come home.
"No, Giuseppe. He said he had a doctor's appointment and should be here little after three but I suppose it was extended," Elena explained while Caroline also approached her and greeted her with a kiss on the cheek.
"So why don't we go to the balcony wait for him? I'm starving and Stefan has been promising me some of Rosa's snacks for a while now," Caroline pouted and Elena actually had a small smile as she nodded to the bubbly girl.
"I'm going to ask Rosa to fix something for us to eat, you girls try not to kill each other in my absence," he said playfully and left towards the kitchen. Caroline led the way to the balcony.
"How is Katherine?" Caroline whispered as they walked.
"Dead," Elena answered robotically. The news was still devastating and she couldn't control her emotions about it so she was just blunt.
"What?" Caroline stopped in her tracks, shocked by the information.
"Not entirely but she was declared brain-dead two days ago. Which is why I'm here to talk to Giuseppe. The sooner Damon knows the better," Elena explained as they sat around one of the tables.
"I never really liked Katherine but I don't think she ever deserved it," Caroline offered and Elena only nodded.
"She had a thing for Stefan, before and after we started dating. Before I went out with him she treated me like she treated everyone, politely collected and nice but then when Stefan and I started dating, she changed with me. She didn't put a lot of effort into being nice anymore; actually she rarely spoke to me since then. I don't know if she blamed me or something. Stefan also had a crush on her but everybody knew she was the ice queen and no boy dared to ask Kat out," Caroline started her remarkable rambling. The girl talked a lot and she thought Elena needed an input from people who didn't worship the ground Katherine walked by, like John, Giuseppe and Damon and even Stefan.
"Was she that bad?" Elena asked surprised but not so much.
"That's the thing, she wasn't bad. She was a very nice person; unless you dated the guy she had a crush on. She just didn't let people get in and she didn't do boys. It came to a surprise to everyone at college when she started dating Damon. Of course they don't know her reasons but Damon became a legend there. Katherine never hid who she was. She never pretended to care enough to make real friends. She was polite, if you needed a favor she would probably do it for you but she kept people at arm's length. And after she dismissed so many boys who wanted to date her and girls who tried to be her friend, people realized how she was," the blond honestly clarified her feelings towards the other brunette.
"Are you sure she had a thing for Stefan? If everybody thinks she was with Damon so they could join the Gilbert's and Salvatore's businesses, why wouldn't she be with the brother to whom she actually felt attracted?" Elena asked curious. She was really surprised to know Katherine felt something for Stefan, regardless of the intensity and still dated Damon instead, especially when Stefan also had a thing for her.
"And risking being hurt? I suppose that was Katherine's biggest fear. With Damon things would always be safe. She would never love him and consequently she would never be hurt," Caroline shrugged. Stefan and she had talked many times about his brother's girlfriend avoidance. They came to the same conclusions, especially because Damon and Caroline were quite close. Caroline was one of his closest friends and of course she worried about him. Katherine could be comfortable knowing she would never be hurt by Damon because she would never love him but she worried about him. The other Gilbert girl had the potential to break him, maybe even beyond repair, but the few times she tried to open Damon's eyes about it, she nearly damaged their friendship. And that was why she talked to Stefan instead. Damon had been the one to tell her about the reasons why he thought Katherine was with him and Stefan was shocked to know his brother had no problem knowing that her first priority was to safe her family's business.
"That's just sad, you know? Everybody keeps saying how she didn't let herself love anyone else other than John and I just can't imagine how it could be. There are so many people I love in the world, people that I can't imagine my life without. Of course I love my parents, but my best friend and my closest friends at church are people that make my life something good, you know?" Elena was so focused on her words that she didn't realize when Caroline mimicked for Stefan to go. She was curious about Elena and she wanted to know what the girl planned to do about her best friend. She had been worried enough about Damon with Katherine. She wanted to know by herself, not what Giuseppe told to Stefan, who then told it to her, what Elena's plans were and that was the opening she needed to talk about it.
"I know. And that's why I've always treated her nicely. First for Damon's sake, especially because I never told him about Katherine's crush on Stefan but also because I felt for her. The life she chose to live because she had been hurt when she lost Jenna was just sad and miserable and more than once I felt pity. She's so smart and beautiful. She could easily find a guy to love her and make her happy. Correction, she did find a guy that more than loves, who adores her but even though she was aware of how much Damon cared about her, I guess she never opened her heart to the possibility of falling for him. He's been so confident that someday she'd love him back and when they first started dating I believed him. Damon can be really charming and lovely when he wants and I know it's hard for any girl to resist him but then I started knowing more and more about Katherine and I realized she would be the one to resist him," Caroline said definitively.
"Yeah, he can be really charming," Elena confessed and this time it hadn't been a slip. Caroline seemed so open and honest, that she wanted to share with her the situation she was in. In the few minutes they'd been talking she realized Caroline knew well Damon and her sister's relationship. She wondered how close to Damon Caroline actually was as she was positive Katherine hadn't been the one to share the details of their relationship with her. It could have been Stefan too but Elena imagined it to be hard for Stefan to talk about the girl he used to have a crush on and who still had a crush on him with his current girlfriend, that although nice, seemed quite possessive too.
Caroline looked at Elena appraisingly. She didn't say those words as a fact or joking. She said them almost melancholically and she wondered if the girl in front of her didn't find herself lost in her future brother-in-law's charms.
"Do you know what you're going to do about him?" Caroline asked bluntly. Elena didn't seem to mind her honest opinion about her sister and she really wanted to know what Elena's plans were.
"I know what I have to do…" Elena offered vaguely but before Caroline could ask her to be more specific one of the maids made her presence known, excusing herself and serving them the afternoon snack.
"When I get married to Stefan I'm totally stealing Rosa from Pepe," Caroline said almost absentmindedly while she was still chewing some of the baked goods.
"Yeah, this is delicious," Elena answered politely while she ate and as she did so, Caroline paid closer attention to the girl across to her. She seemed just as sad as Katherine used to look.
"So, you know what to do about Damon… why do I get the impression that's not that you want to do or what you'll do at all?" she asked after a few minutes.
"I know what to do and I will do it somehow… it's just…" Elena sighed, "I would do anything not to hurt him. I know how much pain he'll be in when he finds out about Katherine because I've been being her for the past two weeks and I can see how much he indeed loves her. I wish there was a way for me to spare him the pain."
"Like taking her place forever?" Caroline asked and although her tone was almost playful both girls knew she meant it.
"At first I thought about it but then I realized I couldn't live with a lie for the rest of my life," Elena explained and although she was honest Caroline was also surprised by the answer.
"So being with a man you don't love wouldn't be a problem?"
"If that was the case, probably," the brunette offered a small smile and for the first time since they started talking she seemed on verge of tears and Caroline finally had the confirmation about Elena's feelings towards Damon.
"You're in love with him…" the younger woman thought out loud.
"I was in love with him one week ago; right now I just plain love him, which is crazy because I've known him for two weeks," Elena whispered as she worked hard to keep her tears in their ducts but failed to hold back one or two, that stubbornly ran down her face.
"Damon and I are great friends. Well at least we were until Katherine came in the picture. She wasn't a bad person per say but you wouldn't like some hot girl like her having a thing for the boy you're trying to seduce, right? And it only becomes worse when you see that she has the potential to hurt the guy you care about as a brother, so obviously my opinion about her caused some conflicts between the two of us. We've been a little more distant than we used to be but I still care a lot about him so I also don't want him to be hurt and it's great that you care about him too," Caroline tried to justify her position and show where her stakes were.
"So maybe you can help me to find a way to hurt him less," Elena offered hopefully.
"Well what's your plan about him and your feelings?"
"To tell him the truth about Katherine and me," Elena summarized.
"So you're willing to let him know you replaced his fiancée for a few weeks?" Caroline asked for confirmation and Elena only nodded.
"Do you think that's really necessary?"
"I wish it wasn't. But I already sacrificed a lot for my father and for him too. Telling him the truth is something I'm doing for myself even though he'll hate me. A few days after I came here John talked to Giuseppe about what was going on and they decided it should end but wanted me to break up with Damon before telling him about the accident. I opposed but not as strongly as I should. I should have said to them this farce had to end by then. But although I knew this way Damon would hurt slightly less I couldn't bring myself to do it because I kept trying to find a way to make it hurt him less. I keep prolonging this because I don't want to hurt him but that isn't really an option. I will hurt him and as each day passes it'll hurt him more and more and it kills me," her words were filled with such pain and caring that it was Caroline's turn to hold back the tears. There in front of her was someone that could finally make Damon happy like he deserved, someone that cared about him enough but although he could love Elena, she wasn't the one he truly loved.
"I don't think Damon will hate you, to be honest. Of course he'll be hurt at first and I know he can be stubborn and it might take him some time but he'll come around. I'll let him know that you did this for your father and then latterly for him. Except for Katherine, for obvious reasons, he has always trusted my view on facts and situations because I'm always absolutely honest with him. I've always said him Katherine wasn't the girl for him and that no matter how much he loved her she wasn't the woman who would make him have what Cecilia and Pepe had but I think that maybe you would. Of course, I don't know for sure if you could but the fact that you care so deeply about him already makes me feel that you potentially could," Caroline moved from her seat across to Elena and sat on the one by her side, moving her arm to the brunette's shoulder because she felt like the girl needed it.
"That's not what Giuseppe thinks and honestly I think he's right not only because he's his father and knows him better than anyone else but also because I know how betrayed Damon will feel," Elena replied. She didn't feel confident at all about what Caroline was saying and she didn't want to keep her hopes up.
"Yes, but Giuseppe is telling it based on his own experience. Well, not really experience because as far as I know Cecilia never lied to him but they're Italian, Elena. They're impulsive and easy to hurt because of their big hearts. They feel everything intensely. They fight a lot but they forgive also a lot the small things but the big things always take a toll on them. Giuseppe is thinking of what he would do but he didn't think ahead of his initial reaction. Damon will react the same way Giuseppe would and that would be to despise you for a while but he'll come around, at least to some extent," Caroline offered and she truly believed that was how both of the Salvatores would react even in such a touchy situation.
"And why is that? I don't see how it's possible, Caroline."
"Listen to me, Elena. I just told you why. He has a big heart. Giuseppe thinks forgiveness is something hard for Damon mostly because he's afraid of being hurt again. Damon became much more defensive since Cecilia died. He doesn't handle loss well and I think he'll be more hurt because of Katherine than you. I'm not saying he'll forgive you and be your best friend. I'm saying he'll understand what you did and why you did it at some point and leave it behind him. I hope to have a chance to talk to him after you let him know the truth. Ever since he lost his mother I'm still trying to have a real conversation with him but then he was absolutely closed up to everyone, then Katherine happened and I couldn't talk to him. I'll be there for him this time and I'll ensure he'll know the whole truth about you and this situation because things get worse," the blond was starting to look tense because for the first time she was really imagining how Damon would feel when he knew the truth about Katherine. It would be hard on him and she was positive he didn't grieve for Cecilia properly.
"Get worse? How can this get worse?"
"I'm sure he'll fly. He barely made it when his mother died and he only did it because he had to be there for his father and brother but when he finds out Katherine is living because of machines he'll just fly away. He needs this time since Cecilia passed and I think losing Katherine will be the last straw but with time and maybe a long time, he'll accept it and he'll be over it enough to know you were a big victim here to. He'll never approve of your actions but he'll forgive you for doing what you did for your father. He'd do the same for Giuseppe," she finally concluded and Elena was silent thinking over the things Caroline said. As much as she didn't want to get her hopes up, the blond seemed to really know Damon and be close to him as she claimed to have been before Katherine. What if with time he indeed forgave her? What if he had the nobleness and forgiveness in his heart to understand she only wanted to help her father? She couldn't count on it, that was for sure but maybe she could keep this very small hope in the bottom of her heart.
"I can't say that he'll ever forget about what you had together and give it a chance between the two of you but I'm positive he'll be at least civil to you at some point if you decide to stick around," Caroline added after a few minutes and Elena only nodded. But that was enough for her. If Damon ever looked at her without feeling disgusted or betrayed, she'd be happy and thankful.
"Thanks, Caroline, for hearing me out, for saying those things, I'm sorry I'll bring so much pain to someone you care a lot for," Elena offered before she stood up to properly hug the woman by her side.
"I don't approve of your actions, Elena, but I know what I would have done for my mother. Damon was her intern a few years ago and that was how we got close. She got sick and he was around a lot. It was very hard for me when she finally died. I know John isn't sick but the feeling is the same, you feel like you would do anything to save your parents, whether they're dying physically or emotionally. He'll need you a lot. Now that Katherine is definitely dead, John will be devastated. As long as she's kept there, as much as he knows the truth, he won't feel everything, he won't feel the loss. My mom stayed in a hospital bed for six months and since the first day I knew there was no going back, I knew she would never go home again but still just when I finally put her out of her misery I felt the real impact and hurt properly. I'll try to be there for Damon, but nobody will need more comfort than John," Caroline explained and Elena nodded. She knew it would be hard on her father, much harder than on her and even Damon but she'd been so focused on Damon's pain that for a moment she forgot that her father needed her more than anyone else.
"My two favorite girls in the world," Giuseppe announced before Elena had a chance to leave. She had momentarily forgotten the reason why she was there in the first place and that was to let Giuseppe know about Katherine's new condition and to establish with him when they should tell the truth to Damon.
"Pepe," Caroline stepped away from Elena towards the man that was like a second father to her, "How was the appointment? Why took you over an hour more than you were supposed?" she asked as they hugged.
"The doctor wanted to run all sort of tests under the sky. There were too many people there and I had to wait more than I wanted to have everything done," he explained looking at her and at Elena who was also approaching him.
"But what did the doctor say? Does everything seem to be alright?" the brunette asked as she also hugged him, though much more briefly than Caroline did.
"My heart and doctor will never agree to the amount of pasta I eat but other than that I'm sure I'm okay," he smiled to the girls in front of him and for a small moment he wanted those to be the girls that would marry his sons. The way they seemed to care about him was more than he could ask for.
"You have a strong heart, I'm sure it'll handle all the carbohydrates you throw at it," Caroline winked and he laughed while Elena offered a small smile.
"Well I know the two of you have a lot to talk about, I'll let you do it. It was a pleasure to talk to you, Elena," the blond offered and hugged Elena quickly.
"My pleasure, Caroline," she smiled genuinely and hugging her father-in-law, Caroline left them to talk.
"So, what brings you here for me and not my son?" Giuseppe tried to break the ice as he could clearly see that Elena was struggling to start their conversation. She took a few deep breaths and tried to recover some composure. She had just admitted it to Caroline some minutes ago, she wasn't ready to say again that she had lost her sister but that was what she had to do so she tried to gather enough strength for that.
"Katherine, Giuseppe. She's dead, she was declared brain-dead. There's no way back, we need to let Damon know about the truth and finally allow my sister to rest," the girl finally said and the elder actually fell into his seat to absorb the news.
AN: I know no DE in this chapter but I thought it didn't fit and I wouldn't throw a moment between them just for the sake of it. I'm sorry I killed Katherine too, I know some of you wanted her to live and I tried to find a way for it to happen but in my original thought for this story she had to die and I couldn't find a way to work around it :(
So with Kat dead it had finally came to time to let Damon know about his real fiancée's condition. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter (I LOVE Caroline and I wanted Elena to have a friend through this hard time she's been through). Thanks a lot for the reviews, hope you have more for me. Thanks a lot to my amazing beta, Avecia.
xoxo
Babi