CARRY ON WAYWARD ROAD

THE WEB WE WEAVE

CHAPTER 10

"Good morning, sunshine." Sam said as he walked down the stairs and saw Dean awake, "feeling any better?"

"Yeah, a little, I guess." Dean answered.

The fact he could give a coherent, clear answer was a good sign. Beth had woken up when the boys started to talk.

"Sleep good last night?" Dean asked Sam.

"Yeah, you?"

"The best sleep I've had in a long time, of course I'm sure the pain meds the doctor gave me helped with that." Dean replied as he grunted pushing himself to a seated position.

He looked at his arm, where the IV was inserted, then followed the tubing up to the bags of fluids hanging on a coat rack beside the couch. He turned his head and looked at Sam with a confusing look.

"Dude, how am I supposed to use the bathroom?" he asked, holding his arm up to expose the IV.

Sam just let out a small laugh, "need help?"

Dean rolled his eyes at that. He was perfectly capable of using the bathroom himself, usually, and he wasn't sure how it would go once he was in there, he was losing a lot of blood whenever he went, but all the fluids they pumped in him had him needing to pee bad.

"Yeah, whatever." Dean replied annoyed.

Again, Sam just laughed at him as he helped hold the bags so Dean could make his way to the bathroom.

"Hey, Dean, if you're losing blood, will you leave it? Don't flush so I can see how much you're losing?" Sam requested.

"Dude, gross" Dean felt the need to reply but he knew the reasoning behind it.

He hung the fluid bags on a towel hook near the toilet so Dean could have some privacy. He was still weak so he didn't want to go far, so he stood outside the door and waited for his brother to finish. There was still blood, but it was getting better, or so Dean said. Sam helped him back to the couch and Dean laid back down. He was worn out, just from that short walk to the bathroom. He was in pain, but overall, he was starting to feel better, not so sickly.

Nancy came from the kitchen, neither of the boys realized she was in there, cooking breakfast. Beth had bounced upstairs to her room to change and shower for the morning.

"How you are feeling today, Dean?" Nancy asked.

"A little better ma'am."

"You hurting?"

Dean nodded his head yes. She went into the kitchen and came back out with a glass of water and some pills. She placed her hand on his forehead to check if he was still hot. He felt a little warm but not near as hot as he was when they arrived.

"Here Sam." she said, handing him the pills and glass. "Help your brother take these. One's a good pain medicine, one will help finish bringing that fever down, the other is to help with any nausea you may be feeling."

"Thank You" Dean replied.

Nancy just nodded her head and went back to the kitchen to finish her cooking. Dean had taken the pills and laid his head back down. Sam could tell he still felt like crap but had no doubt he was feeling at least a little better.

"Breakfast is ready!" Nancy shouted from the kitchen, "Sam, Beth, come and get it while it's hot."

"You gonna be okay?" Sam asked Dean.

Dean nodded his head "Yeah, fine, go eat."

"You want any?" Sam knew he wouldn't but wanted to ask anyhow.

Dean just shook his head no and closed his eyes. His world was starting to spin and he was so tired of vomiting, he wanted to stop the spinning before it got worse. Nancy, Beth, and Sam were all sitting at the kitchen table, eating and talking.

"So, Beth, you been to the doctor yet?" Sam asked, trying to make small talk so he wouldn't worry so much about Dean.

"Yes!" She said in her bubbly way. "They said the baby's healthy and I'm farther along than I thought I was! I only have 2 ½ months left! Oh, and it's a boy!"

Sam smiled to see her so happy. She wasn't the same girl he saved in the house she was being kept at.

"Sam, how are you doing?" Beth asked.

"I'm doing okay. Exhausted, thankful for you and your mom, for helping me and Dean. I just didn't know what to do, or where to go for help. But I'm doing better now that my brother is getting the help he needs."

"You saved my baby girl, and my grandson, it's the least I could do for you." Nancy chimed in.

"Thank you" Sam repeated, this time to Nancy.

It didn't take too long, and Sam heard Dean vomiting again. He leaped from his seat and was at Dean's side in a moment's time. He was still throwing up blood. The look of desperation on Dean's face was enough to stab a knife through anyone's heart, but especially his little brother's.

Dean was so tired of feeling this way. He just wanted to get back on his feet. Even though he felt comfortable and safe where they were at, they were still in someone else's house, and this is not the way you act in someone's home.

"Sam, what the hell?" Dean said as he collapsed his upper body back onto the couch.

"It's okay, Dean, it's just going to take a little time to heal, okay? You'll be back to being a pain in my ass before you know it." Sam joked.

"Bitch." Dean replied, followed by…

"Jerk." from Sam.

Dean spent most of the day in and out of consciousness. Thanks to the medication he was getting the rest he was needing to heal. The doctor came by and brought some blood for him. Explained to Nancy how to give it to him.

Sam couldn't just sit around, he wasn't used to that. He helped fix things around the house that needed a man's touch. Beth wanted to make the guest room into a nursery, even though Sam was staying in that room he helped her work on painting it and moving some furniture out of it.

She didn't have a crib yet anyhow so they left the bed in there for Sam to sleep on. He had kept himself busy, even mowed their yard. Dean woke, needing to use the bathroom again. It was important he not walk on his own, not while getting blood, and it was equally important they keep track of his blood loss.

He hadn't vomited since breakfast time. He hasn't been up since then either. It was getting late in the evening. They had already eaten lunch and supper. Dean didn't even know he was getting blood till he woke enough, while walking to the bathroom with Sam, to notice the red in one of the tubing. He used the bathroom, blood loss was getting less. He felt like if they weren't giving him fluids he wouldn't even need to get up, but those damn fluids make anyone have to pee.

Sam didn't leave him this time. Dean was thankful for that. he couldn't stand, he had to sit on the toilet, he leaned forward and rested his head on Sam's stomach, he was feeling better but still so weak. He wasn't sure if it was from the medications but he felt foggy and drowsy.

When he was finished, Sam helped him back to the couch. He wished his brother could sleep somewhere more comfortable, like the bed, but knew there was no way he would make it up the stairs. Dean gently laid back down.

"Sam?" Dean looked up at his brother, who had sat in the chair beside the couch.

"Yeah?" he replied.

"I don't know where we are." Dean was honestly confused. He had seen Beth and knew he had tubes stuck in his arm, but wasn't sure what was going on.

"We are at Beth's mom's house. I didn't know what to do. You were getting worse. I was scared, I was honestly scared, I thought I was going to lose you, man. I called Beth, to ask for some advice and found out her mom is a nurse. Her mom, Nancy, told me to bring you here, that she would help."

Sam wasn't sure why but he had a moment of panic that his brother was going to get upset that he had reached out for help. "She has this doctor friend who's been taking care of you. That's why you have fluids and blood going into you. You've lost a lot of blood, had some internal bleeding and severe bruising. I think the blood loss is getting better, it's less than it was before, and you've gone since this morning since you've thrown up any blood."

Dean nodded, telling Sam he was able to follow what he was saying. "You also had an infection, they said it would have killed you if it wasn't taken care of, so they've had you on some pretty strong antibiotics and pain meds, to help you feel better."

Dean was surprised at the info his brother just gave him. He didn't remember any of it. "The last thing I remember, we took Beth to the bus station then we got a motel room. And it gets a little foggy after that. I know you and I had some school girl moment"

Sam chuckled at that.

"And I remember, I think I remember, Beth calling me and I know she said she was okay. But, I don't really remember anything else."

"It was probably because of that infection you had" Nancy joined in their conversation, "that and you were in enough pain that I'm surprised you were even functioning." Nancy felt his forehead again, it felt like a normal temperature. "You feeling better now?" She asked.

"Yes ma'am, I'm starting to, I think. I still feel weak, and hurt, but not as bad." Dean replied while taking long blinks, his eyes wanting to drift shut but he was fighting it.

Beth came bouncing in the room. "Dean! You're awake" she said happily as she carefully gave him a big hug. He attempted to return the hug but could barely manage laying one arm over her back.

"Beth, Sam, you two need to let Dean get some rest, okay? He should feel a lot better in the morning, but right now he still needs to rest." Nancy said as she changed out a bag of fluids that was almost empty, preparing him for the night.

She then looked at Dean, then Sam, then back to Dean. "Tomorrow if you're feeling better, we need to get you in the shower, you've sweat a lot with the fever you had and we gotta keep any wounds clean. We don't want that infection setting back in. You'll also need new bandaging, so we'll take care of all that tomorrow, for now, you need to take some more pills and finish getting rest." She said as she handed out the pills and a glass of water.

Dean tried to push himself up so he could take it from her but he couldn't seem to manage it, Sam rushed over and helped. Dean held the glass, but his hands were shaking so much that Sam had to help with that as well. Dean felt helpless. He hated feeling this way, but he was thankful for the help right now. Sam lowered him back down on the couch.

"Get you some rest, it's safe here, I'll see you in the morning" he said to Dean as he turned off the lamp that was on the table beside the couch.

Beth gave him another hug and a peck on the cheek, "Night, Dean." she said.

The house went dark, Dean's eyes fluttered shut and didn't reopen. Sam had laid in his bed, he had a long day, keeping himself busy around their house, it didn't take him long to fall asleep either.

Morning seemed to come way too soon. Sam was still tired, he had slept all night but felt like he needed more sleep. He got up and went downstairs to check on Dean.

Dean was still asleep, his normal light snores filling the silence. It was a comforting sound to Sam. He sat in the chair, that happened to be a recliner, he let the foot rest out, reclined it back and quickly fell back asleep with the comforting sound of his brother sleeping.

Nancy had some things to do in town, she talked Beth into going with her when she saw the brothers both sleeping in the living room. She had placed a blanket over Sam, left him a note in case he woke. And the girls left, leaving the exhausted brothers resting comfortably.

"SAM! Sam?" Dean had woken in a panic, quickly waking Sam with the call of his name.

He leaped to his brother's side. "Dean, you okay?"

Dean's breath was fast, he was unable to take in deep breathes. Sam wasn't sure what was going on. Wasn't sure if his brother had a nightmare, or something else.

"Sam?" Dean repeated.

"Dean, Dean I'm right here." Sam said, sounding slightly panicked now. "Dean, what's wrong?"

"I…I don't know." Dean said, a confused look on his face.

"Did you have a nightmare?" Sam asked.

Dean just slowly shook his head, he wasn't sure, he didn't know what was going on, why he called Sam's name or what woke him, "I don't know, Sam, I don't know." he finally answered.

"It's okay. You're okay, Dean. You're safe right now. We're safe. It's okay." Sam tried to reassure him.

He slowly nodded his head as he was beginning to understand, and come back to his senses. He had laid his head back down, curled into a ball with his arms wrapped around his stomach.

"You hurting?" Sam asked.

"Yeah" Dean replied, "but, I'm okay, it'll go away." he added.

About that time Nancy and Beth had returned.

"Yay! Dean you're awake!" Beth exclaimed. She quickly sat the bags she was carrying on the kitchen table and ran to give Dean a hug.

Sam and Nancy both noticed the grimace on Dean's face when she hugged him, but he would never let her know she just hurt him. "You feeling better, Dean?" Beth asked.

"You look better, a whole lot better. We got you some food, pudding, jello, soft stuff like that if you wanna try to eat something. Because, you know, you gotta eat something, eventually. But we also got you some stuff to drink, like Gatorade, to help get all your electrolytes and stuff back the way they are supposed to be. So, you wanna try something? Want anything to eat? Or drink?" Beth was blabbering 1oo miles per hour. She hadn't even stopped to give Dean a chance to reply to her.

"Beth!" Nancy stopped her, "calm down. You're gonna cause the poor guy anxiety as fast as your mouth is moving. Put the groceries away and give him a chance to breath."

Nancy smiled at Dean and he returned the smile, a way of thanking her. Once Beth was out of the room Nancy sat at Dean's feet.

"How you feeling today?"

Dean just nodded his head, a way of saying he was okay.

"You think you're up to getting cleaned up? Your brother can help you. You'll need him to, trust me. I don't expect you to be very steady on your feet yet."

She had stood and disconnected the blood tubing. The bag was empty. He was finished with that. she also removed the antibiotic bag that was finished. Throwing both of those in the trash she came back and unscrewed the tubing to the fluid from the IV cath that was in his arm.

"I'll reconnect the fluids when you're finished. You're gonna need those until you're able to start eating and drinking enough."

Dean, again, just nodded his head. He felt like his body was trembling. He wasn't sure what was going on with him, but maybe a hot shower would help. He tried to get up on his own but failed. Sam helped him off the couch and kept him steady while they walked to the bathroom.

"Sam" Dean said shyly, "I… I don't want… I can do this… I can take a shower myself." He lowered his head, ashamed.

"Dean" Sam replied, "I know you can, but I also know right now, you're weak, you're wobbly on your feet at best. I think I need to help you. Look man, I know this can't be easy, but I'm telling you, for your safety, you need to let me help you this time."

Dean was not at all happy about that, but couldn't disagree with his reasoning. Once he stepped in the shower, he braced himself against the wall in front of him. "I got this Sam, you can go somewhere." Dean insisted.

"Fine." Sam replied, "I'll sit on the toilet and wait, I'm not leaving you."

"Whatever." Dean replied, irritated at the whole situation.

Once Dean was done Sam helped him out of the shower and with his clothing. "Feel better?" Sam asked.

"Yeah." Dean replied.

"You smell better, that's for sure." Sam joked.

"Because you have room to talk?" Dean shot back at him.

A little hint of the old Dean shining through. Dean needed to shave, he had way too much stubble on his face. He rubbed it with his hand, but decided he didn't have the strength for that right now. He was feeling worn out from what little he has done. He also didn't want to lay back on the couch. He needed to get up, to move.

Nancy was in the kitchen, getting lunch ready. Dean made his way into there with her, he sat in a chair at the table, that lasted about 2 seconds. As soon as he sat on the hard wood surface he was back to his feet. He forgot how sensitive his injuries were. He cursed himself for being such a girl.

Nancy didn't say anything. There was a chair nearby that had padding on it, she just walked over and sat it beside Dean, giving him the option to sit in something a little more comfortable to him. He welcomed the cushion and sat in the chair.

"You want something sweetie?" Nancy asked.

"No ma'am, just tired of the couch." Dean replied.

"Well, since you're sitting at the table, how about you try to eat or drink something?" Nancy suggested.

"Yes ma'am." he replied.

"How about we start with a Gatorade?" she suggested, opening the lid and handing it to him.

He thanked her, his hands still trembling, making it hard to hold without spilling it. Sam was standing nearby, he wasn't going to leave his brother's side if there was a possibility he needed him.

"Here Dean let me help." Sam suggested.

Dean, irritated, pushed Sam's hand away "I got this." he replied.

"Hey Sam, out in my garage I have a light that doesn't want to work, I'm not sure if it's the wiring or just the bulb, would you mind checking that out for me? And Beth has some stuff she needs to do in town, if you don't mind going with her. Don't worry about Dean, I'll watch him" Nancy stated, giving Dean a little wink.

Sam got the hint, "Yes ma'am" he said as he left the room.

"Thanks" Dean said.

Nancy just smiled again, sitting in a chair across from him. "You're welcome, I figured, between the two of them, you could use a moment to yourself."

"Yes ma'am." Dean replied, thankful that Nancy was able to see his discomfort.

Dean sat in the chair, sipping on his drink, trying to keep his stomach settled. He was so tired of feeling sick. So tired of vomiting.

"So, how are you feeling?" Nancy asked.

"Better, thank you."

"Okay," Nancy answered, not satisfied with his answer, "there's no one else in here but you and me, so how about you be honest, Hun? How you really feeling?"

Nancy asked with her eyebrows raised and a look on her face saying she wouldn't accept anything but the truth. Dean hasn't had a mother figure since he was four. He wasn't used to this kind of treatment, or compassion.

"I'll be fine." he replied, hoping that was answer enough.

"I didn't ask how you think you'll be, I asked how you are doing right now, at this moment." Nancy replied, getting an eyeroll from Dean.

She reached across the table and placed her hand on Dean's hand, calming the trembling. Dean swallowed hard, he felt like he wanted to break down in tears, but also felt the need to keep up the tough act, to protect her from the truth. He knew he couldn't, she wouldn't allow it.

"I…" Dean started with a shaky voice, and unsure of what he was going to say or how he really felt. "I don't know. I'm tired of feeling weak. Tired of feeling sick."

Dean was being the most honest he had ever been with anyone besides Sam. "I'm tired of this pain I feel. I… I just wish it would all go away. I want myself back."

Nancy continued to hold her hand on Dean's, allowing her caring compassion to radiate from her to Dean. He could feel it. Once he started, he couldn't seem to stop. He had so much built up, it was feeling good to be able to talk to someone besides Sam.

"I… don't like this feeling. I feel like, I don't know, I feel like I'm in someone else's body. This isn't the first time… that something like this has happened. I know the feeling, but this, this is different, I don't know why, maybe because I'm older? Maybe everything I felt before is being mixed with the present? I've… I've been dealing, with a lot, the last few months. I've found myself spiraling down, a dark road. I held a gun to my head."

The tears started dripping from his eyes. "I actually held a gun to my own head. Sam stopped me. I don't know if he knows it or not, but he did. I don't know what he knows and what he doesn't I've been feeling so lost lately. Sometimes, especially right now, I've been wondering why the hell I didn't just pull the trigger. I don't want to do this. I don't want to keep dealing with this."

Dean wiped the tears from his face. "It's like… it's like my life has looped back around. Life has repeated itself. But not the good, only the worst of the worst. I've worked so hard… to keep myself strong, to not feel… but right now, it's like all that was for nothing. I feel, not just physically, but mentally weak." Dean stopped to dry his eyes again, giving Nancy a spot to reply to what he had said.

She had sat quietly listening to him, allowing him to let out what he needed. "Sweetie, you need to realize, the reason you couldn't pull that trigger, is because you still have a purpose in this life. You're not finished yet. Your brother needs you, and you saved my Beth. That's two things right off the top of my head that I can be sure of."

She gave Dean a reassuring smile. "I'm not sure why what happened, happened. I don't know why there are such evil people in this world. But, I do know you're strong enough to handle this. You're a fighter, that's for sure. I saw the condition you were in when you first got here, and honey, I don't think you would have still been alive, or doing as good as you are right now, if you weren't one hell of a fighter."

Dean gave her a quick, fleeting smile. He was thankful for what she just said.

"So," she continued. "Tell me, what's going on in that head of yours?" Dean took a moment to collect his thoughts.

"We didn't exactly have a normal family, we didn't have a normal upbringing. Our mom, she got killed, in a house fire, when I was four and Sam was just a baby. Our dad, he raised us. Well, actually, I raised Sammy. Dad didn't know… well he wasn't exactly always around. He couldn't handle his emotions, either. But, everything he felt, it came out as anger, you know."

Dean shrugged like it was common knowledge what he was saying. "He didn't like to show any emotions. I don't know if he realized what he was doing. But, he wasn't always the nicest. I know he loved us. And, I made sure Sammy was safe, he didn't hurt him. And, I know Dad got lonely. He, I don't know, he looked to me to help him with that too, like everything else."

Dean lowered his head. "I didn't tell anyone, not until a few months ago, while I was in my dark place. I told Sam, he's the only one who knows. He didn't, you know, have intercourse, or anything. But other stuff, yes." Dean paused, hearing a noise, making sure his brother, or Beth wasn't around them.

"It's okay, sweetie." Nancy reassured.

Dean continued, "When Sam, he had enough of our dad. He turned 18 and left, they had a huge argument. And, like always, Dad blamed me for letting him go. He… he cared more about his booze than me."

Dean had a hint of anger in his voice. "He, traded me for his bar tab." Dean's tears were falling harder, he was trying to hold them back but wasn't having much success.

"Dean," Nancy replied, "it's okay to have emotions. It's okay to feel angry, to feel hurt and betrayed."

Dean gave her a look, like he had never heard that before. He was never told it was okay to have emotions.

"I… I am" he said, "I really am, I'm pissed, I feel like he should have been there for me, but instead he… he tied me to the bed, and left me... he left me with guys he had just met. Guys who offered an unlimited bar tab for… me."

Dean's anger in his tone was raising. His trembling became harder. He pulled his hand away from Nancy's and pushed himself away from the table with anger filling him.

"Dean."

Nancy's voice was so calm and caring. She walked over to where he was standing. He was holding onto the table with both hands, bent over, trembling, crying, angry. She put a gentle hand on his back.

"It's okay to be pissed off. You deserve to be able to express your anger, your frustration. This conversation, it stays right here, okay?" she reassured Dean. "This is a safe place to express yourself. Your brother, Beth, they don't have to know we even had a conversation. As far as they know, you are sleeping right now."

Dean was more comfortable with that information. "Can we… go to the living room? I need a little more comfortable chair. I'm kinda hurting, a lot." Dean still wasn't sure about expressing his true feelings.

"Of course, sweetie." Nancy said as she helped him into the living room. He was tired of the couch so he sat in the chair, he could sit at an angle, making it more comfortable.

"So, does your dad know what happened that night?" Nancy asked.

Dean nodded his head, "He… he made sure I was not dressed, and he tied me to the bed. He knew. He wasn't stupid, maybe drunk, but not stupid. Besides, I wasn't awake, but I'm sure he was the one who untied me. He didn't even care. He…" Dean started stuttering, he couldn't continue, he was speechless at this point.

"So, how many, guys, did, your dad leave you with?" Nancy wanted Dean to be able to release everything he was holding inside.

"Two." Dean answered, sounding a little calmer than before. "He left me with two, but more came. I don't know, I can't be sure, but there was 6 or 7, maybe more? I'm not sure. It… it was hell, it… I, I thought I was going to die, I mean, literally. I hadn't ever been in that type of… a position… before. And, I remember, just being scared." Dean had to stop again.

"How old were you?" Nancy asked.

"22, but, I've never been a kid, never had a chance, so age doesn't matter, it's just a number." Dean replied.

He knew she was going to say he was young, but Dean hasn't been young since he was 4 years old.

"Can I give you my opinion on something?" Nancy asked, "an observation?"

Dean nodded his head yes but was too busy drying his tears to answer her.

"Sweetie, this is what you've told me… you said that the first time, in the place where Beth was, you were tied to a bed, right?"

Dean nodded again.

"And, you also told me that the night your dad spent at the bar, he tied you to the bed. I'm sure the emotions you're feeling, they are connected. There's too many similarities. I don't know if you understand anything about PTSD, but it would only seem logical that you have a touch of it. And, being what happened, recently, is a huge trigger, setting off all kinds of memories and emotions."

She paused and pulled a chair in front of Dean, taking both of his hands in hers. "You need time to heal. Healing doesn't just mean that lacerations and broken bones heal and bruises go away. It also means you have to heal on the inside. Your emotions have to heal. Your heart has to heal. And something tells me, you never allowed yourself to properly heal, from anything in your life."

Dean, looked up at her, his eyes filled with tears, the look on his face told her that she was right, but he had never seen it before. He had never had anyone with the knowledge she had. No one to care, like only a mother can. She wrapped her arms around him, embracing him in a loving hug as he continued to cry and let out every emotion he was feeling, everything he was holding in. At that moment, he wished, more than anything he had his mom. He had never wanted a mother more than this moment.