CHAPTER TEN

Kurt awoke the next morning when he felt the weight and warmth next to him leave. Slowly, opening his eyes and groggily coming back to the land of reality he took in his surroundings as the reality of last night came crashing back to his senses like a bucket of cold water. Suddenly he was more awake than he was 2 seconds prior. Remembering what woke him up, and when he realised that Sebastian had left he decided to stretch and get up.

Looking around he finally took a real look at Sebastian's room, and only then did he realise how unnervingly homely it felt. The covers smelt… of detergent and Sebastian (though he doesn't really know how he knows what Sebastian smells like) and the room was a deep rich red colour that shocked Kurt at the same time as it comforted Kurt. He had never actively thought about what Sebastian's room would look like but he was certain that this was not what he would have thought of, and this room definitely did Sebastian justice, in a way that Kurt's brain most definitely would not have.

"Not planning to leave anytime soon I see," came Sebastian's voice from the door way, if he wasn't mistaken Kurt heard the teasing element in his voice, he was just about to tell him that he was actually just planning on leaving, however he took in how he had buried himself back into Sebastian's covers enjoying the warmth.

Kurt took that that mean that Sebastian wasn't at all awkward about yesterday's events and would leave the ball in his court on whether or not they would broach the subject.

"What time is it?"

"Just gone 1, I think, you were out like a light and here I was thinking I was the one who – " anything he was about the say was cut off with Kurt's sudden string of curses and apologies as he flew out of the room muttering something about being late and calling Elliot.

Kurt cursed himself inwardly for not taking his phone with him to Sebastian's room, that way he would have woken up when the alarm went off. He was supposed to be meeting Elliot for lunch at 1. Running towards his room blindly he crashing into a figure that would have caused him to crash heavily onto his backside had it not been for said person's quick reflexes catching him off guard.

"Oh shit, my bad – oh hey Elliot" Kurt rushed out, until he noticed who it was that he bumped into, he dragged him into his room and planned to apologise until he was cut off with a sound that sound like a cross between a scream and a disgruntled groan leave Elliot's mouth. "What!? What happened?"

"What happened? Your beds not been slept in, that's what fucking happened! Is that why you're late, did you let your mini-me head think instead of your big-me head?" Elliot asked in a voice that more often than not could come across as patronising, but Kurt knew it was teasing and with that thought he realised what he had said.

"No! No, no, no – Elliot, no!"

"You sure? 'cause you look rather dishevelled if I may say so myself, and you seem a bit… y'know? Out of it. In the best way possible, that is."

"Oh no, honest, you know I would tell you if I got lucky, actually if I was planning to get lucky I would have dragged you out with me to keep me company if all else fails – anyway, back to what we were talking about yeah, I'm just a bit frazzled considering I woke up in Sebastian's bed this morning –" he was about to leave it there but caught site of Elliot's flabbergasted expression and quickly added "– fully clothed"

"Oh my, has my wickle Kurtie-kins gone and got a wickle cwush on Sebby-webby!" Elliot said laughing at the look Kurt gave him.

"First of all don't ever talk like that again, it is neither cute nor funny. And secondly, no I have not. You can say that we've more or less have sorted our difference and I came clean about knowing what I know and everything turned out better than I could even hope, and now I think we have a really good chance of building a friendship of some sorts or at least not arguing all the time you know."

"Kurt, honey, rambling"

"Sorry, still a bit… y'know?"

"Understandable, so have you guys talked, is it awkward or…" Kurt had always admired Elliot's ability to never be phased be any sort of news, he acted indifferent towards most information he came across; as though nothing that anyone said could shock him.

This was one of the many reasons having a best friend like Elliot was what made Kurt's life that much better. No disrespect to Rachel and Santana because he did love them dearly, but sometimes Kurt would wonder if he had a friend like Elliot in New York, then would he ever have even considered leaving New York. He asked himself many times if the company you keptreally did impact on your experiences in life. However, he was yet to come to a conclusion.

"Um, he sorta joked around with me this morning, then I freaked out when I realised the time and our plans and here we are. And before you ask, no I don't know if we will talk about it, I feel that we should because we've never been that good at the whole interacting thing towards each other and last night was rather intense, and I feel that we could benefit from it and if we didn't, it would only make us awkward around each other and more prone to going back to old ways, and I really don't want that. Last night felt like such a big step forward, y'know? And to ignore that could only hinder a possible friendship…"

"Okay, breathe Kurt, breathe. But yeah, fully understand what you mean. As it is basically his dilemma; the ball should be in his court but you don't want him to chuck the ball away, right? You want him to pass it back to you"

"Yeah, strange metaphor, but basically yeah, and I don't want him to revert back into himself after opening up to me, anyway enough of this why are you here?"

"Got bored waiting for you to message me back, anyway…"

Sebastian sat on his now vacant bed, thoughts running a million miles per hour, at loss of what to do. Part of him wanted to ignore everything that happened with Kurt the previous night and just wanted to go back to their petty ways as though nothing had ever happened, however a bigger part of him desperately wanted to grab onto that hand that Kurt had gracefully reached out to him. He wanted to grab that hand, to prevent him from falling further into the black abyss that was his mind, he wanted to grab that hand and never let go.

And that part scared him.

He was never one to accept help, even when it was so obvious that he needed it and he was desperate for someone to offer. He would always decline. Help showed weakness, and weakness showed the lack of control you had over your emotions. And the one thing Sebastian prided himself on was how he managed to keep his emotions controlled and intact behind his snarky barrier.

He knew his way of controlling his emotions was a bit extreme, in the expression of his heartlessness but the way Sebastian saw it was the people that really liked you for you would try to break down the wall he had in place like how Jeffery had annoyingly done or how Hunter had done, and if that also protects him from getting hurt and allows him to see which people were willing to actually be his friend and he would know they were loyal.

So yes, okay, he may hurt some people along the way but in the long run, they weren't in his life long enough for him to see the consequences of his actions (more cases that not words), and for that reason it wouldn't matter. And he was protecting himself in the process, so whatever.

However, it was at times like this and after Dave that he genuinely felt regret for the things that he had said once upon a time. It was times like this, that he would remember all the hurt he caused (causes) people to save himself. Times like this that he wanted to say sorry for all the hurt that he has caused and just shout off the rooftops that he's a fuck up and because of that he has a tendency to do shit things with the thought that he was doing what he thought was right.

Sebastian knew that someone like Kurt would want to talk about everything just for his ease of mind, but Sebastian didn't know if he would be able to do such a thing whilst sober. Even though he had sobered up pretty quickly last night, the thought that Kurt thought he was at least a bit drunk allowed him to calm down enough and just open up for the second time to the second person in his life since he was 15.

Sure, he had been friends with Jeff but at the time he was still not willing to open up about anything, the pain was still too new, still too raw for him to have dealt with, but with a friend like Jeff that actually took the time to get to know him, allowed him to get through high school. But Sebastian still kept someone like Jeff at arm's length.

It was waking up that scared Sebastian, the fact he woke up cuddled up to Kurt. Not spooning cuddling. Full on, cheek on chest, legs intertwined like a complex pretzel, and arms resting over waist cuddling. And the fact that he was so reluctant to let go, scared him enough to let go. However he felt this morning, he knew he couldn't let his drunken haze of the morning delude his conscious mind into thinking and feeling things he so obviously didn't think or feel, especially towards Kurt, so he quickly left and took the painkillers. He returned about 10 minutes later to find that Kurt had woken and was making himself comfortable in his bed, what with snuggling his grey duvet and whatnot. Kurt seemed to be doing that unconsciously if his reaction to what he had said was anything to go by, and he then ran out if the room as though nothing happened.

Sebastian was at a loss of what to do or say to Kurt when he next saw him, he didn't want things to be awkward and weird because God fucking knows how he hated walking on eggshells with people, ask his mum.

He had become so used to being in direct control of his life that finding now that he was out of his depth and therefore not in control in the situation made him consider ignoring Kurt altogether, but he knew that was futile. Someone like Kurt wouldn't let facts like that rest, though he wouldn't push, Sebastian was almost certain that given little to no attention to the elephant in the room Kurt would crack and demand they talk about it.

He also didn't want to face Kurt due to the fact that Kurt now knows certain information that puts Sebastian in a vulnerable position with him. However, if he avoided Kurt than maybe the whole subject could be ignored and avoided… But who was he kidding? You couldn't avoid Kurt after that, the Princess probably thought they were friends now or some shit like that. Not that it was a negative thing per say it was just… Sebastian had always been able to dictate who he let into his life and how long they stayed there for and what their purpose was, but with Kurt, he seemed to be this enigma that wouldn't rid itself. For example in high school, Kurt was this presence that prevented him from bedding Blaine, and he was certain that had a certain bitchy brunette not been in the picture that he would have succeeded. Then everything happened with Dave and Kurt made himself known again making Sebastian feel twice as guilty about the way he had treated people. And now here they were, fucking living together, and had made himself an ever growing problem to Sebastian's protective barrier, without even trying. And he knows about his dad's death, and vaguely about his past in Paris. A past that Sebastian had told himself that he would not be part of again, and the past is just that, the past and should be left there. But there Kurt was, surfacing memories and emotions that took him months on months to bury into his subconscious, in the time span of an hour maybe more. And yes, sure, Sebastian was probably overthinking things, but being on your own and left to your thoughts, and you're probably going to play victim to the deadly and sinful game that was overthinking.

Panicking, that's what he was doing, panicking. Panicking, because maybe Kurt will try to pry for information and probe him for days, weeks even to find out what happened in Paris. Panicking because although he was in control, he had no control over anything. Panicking because what if Kurt told Elliot and Adam or even Greg about what he found out about Sebastian and his circumstances. What if this was all part of some elaborate plan to break Sebastian down bit by bit, get him to open up and then throw it back in his face, he thought. Because, fuck if everyone knew he deserved it and nothing was stopping Kurt from doing such a thing.

Except all these thoughts were illogical, and held no substantial backing as to why they would be true and why that would happen. He knows Kurt would never do such a thing, but he couldn't help wonder, couldn't help thinking that the world is against him. It was once, what's stopping it from going against him again?

It's been long since Elliot had left and Kurt found himself closing his laptop after his recently ended Skype call with Santana and Rachel and they had mentioned how he kept spacing out, blaming it on his lack of sleep the previous night, which was a lie as he had one of the best sleeps of his life to date, and now he sat on his bed mentally going over and over the conversation of last night.

One of the things that he couldn't wrap his head ahead was how Sebastian has finally said he was 'sorry' and although Kurt didn't realise it at the time but he had been waiting for that day to come for a while now. How could have not even had realised that Sebastian had never apologised to him before? Even after he said he would change, he never apologised to Kurt personally, and that thought bugged him a lot more than he would admit. In a completely rare selfish thought Kurt wondered how Sebastian has apologised to Dave because he had tried to end his life and not to many of people – like and including Kurt – that his words had dug a lot deeper and stung more than the surface of.

Another thought that kept recurring was how Sebastian had sounded so lost and sincere when he was said 'thanks' as though he was not used to expressing his gratitude, which had Kurt thinking if he had kept everyone at arm's length his whole life? Or even since high school, had he not had one friend during his college years? And even if he had, what sort of friendship would it have been? Kurt couldn't imagine Sebastian seeing people as more than a sex object, inferior to him or and unnecessary being in his life. However, Kurt could imagine Sebastian being an extremely loyal friend to whoever he let in. Someone who pushes everyone away, and has such a thick barrier is probably someone extremely vulnerable and would cherish those in their life for however long they were in his life. For once in his lengthy time of knowing Sebastian, Kurt felt sympathetic towards him, even though he knew Sebastian would hate for someone, anyone really, to feel sympathy towards him nearly as much as he would hate someone to pity him, Kurt found himself picturing himself in Sebastian's shoes and what someone could have gone through to keep everyone away and almost hate the world and everyone in it.

However, the most potent thought Kurt had was the one he remembered falling asleep to. How last night was the first time Sebastian had called him 'Kurt' and he couldn't pinpoint how it made him feel and the feelings he had. But what he did know it was almost as if Sebastian was speaking another language last night with how foreign in sounded in place of 'Princess' which Sebastian had taken a real liking to calling him. Kurt almost found in endearing when he would call him 'Princess' when it wasn't used to a spiteful or negative sentencing, he found he quite enjoyed it and wouldn't have Sebastian call him anything else; then for him to call him by his given name was a surprise. It also made Kurt very aware of how out of character last night was for Sebastian.

Kurt found it intriguing and rather worrying how much he was reading into the words Sebastian had said to him. Worrying because many people called him 'Kurt' every day, and said 'sorry' nearly as much as he heard 'thanks' in an average day in the life of Kurt Hummel, so why was it so different when Sebastian said it? He found it intriguing for the exact same reasons, because the fact that words that he came across all the time made him feel different and look into everything because of the person that spoke them had him thinking back to the thoughts and feelings he had when other said those words to him. When Elliot had said them, when Blaine had said them, people like his father and Finn, people like Rachel and Santana and even Noah, even people who don't mean as much to him now and didn't really know like Sugar and Rory.

Most of them made him feel rather indifferent as though it was another word to him, but he remembers when Noah had called him Kurt for the first time and how he had done the exact same thing. Was this just another case of how it was just weird because he had become so accustomed to hearing such degrading names in reference to him that it just took him by surprise? He remembered how at the start of their blossoming friendship come relationship, Kurt would feel rather giddy when Blaine had said his name and said 'thanks' like he appreciated him and said 'sorry' with such conviction and utter emotion. How he felt when his dad had said 'sorry' for not being as helpful as he could have with dealing with Kurt being gay, just because he was no good at it, and how it made him feel loved and considered.

However, none of those emotions and thoughts related to what he felt and thought when Sebastian and had uttered the very same words. And that thought bothered him, because he would stress and stress until he pinpointed his thoughts and feelings.

Why did Sebastian's words affect him so?