James was sitting in the tavern, sulking on his favorite chair near the fire.

Wormtail walked over, a beer in his hand.

"Who does she think she is?" James spat. "That girl has tangled with the wrong man!"

Wormtail shook his head in wild agreement. "Darn right!"

James slammed his fist on the chair's arm. "No one says, "No" to James!"

James lowered his head, covering his eyes. "Dismissed! Rejected! Publicly humiliated!"

James sighed. "It's more than I can bear."

"More beer?" Wormtail asked.

"What for?" James said, his voice anguished. "Nothing helps, I'm disgraced."

Wormtail widened his beady eyes to James. "Who, you? Never!"

Wormtail put a hand on James' shoulder. "James, you've got to pull yourself together!'

'Gosh, it disturbs me to see you James,'

'Looking so down in the dumps,'

'Every guy here'd like to be you, James,'

'Even when taking your lumps,'

'There's no man in town as admired as you,'

'You're everyone's favorite guy!'

Wormtail waved towards the other tavern customers, who raised their glasses in agreement.

'Everyone's awed and inspired by you,'

'And it's not very hard to see why!'

'No one's slick as James,'

'No one's quick as James,'

'No one's neck's as incredibly thick as James''

'For there's no man in town half as manly,'

Wormtail waved his hand towards a painting of James that hanged over the fireplace.

'Perfect, a pure paragon!'

'You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stanley,'

'And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on!'

'No one's been like James,'

'A kingpin like James,'

'No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like James!'

James grinned broadly. 'As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating!

'My, what a guy, that James!'

'Give five, "Hurrahs!"'

'Give twelve, "Hip hips!"'

'James is the best and the rest is all drips!'

Wormtail swung his beer around, accidentally throwing it in James' face. James retorted, punching Wormtail so hard in the face, it made him land on one of the tables, knocking all mens' beer everywhere, causing a small fight on one of the tables.

'No one fights like James!'

'Douses lights like James!'

'In a wrestling match nobody bites like James!'

'For there's no one as burly and brawny,'

James stood up on the table. 'As you see I've got biceps to spare!' showing off his arms.

Wormtail stood next to him. 'Not a bit of him scraggly or scrawny!'

'That's right!' James winked. 'And every last inch of me's covered with hair!'

'No one hits like James,'

'Matches wits like James,'

'In a spitting match nobody spits like James!'

'I'm especially good at expectorating!" James spat.

'Ten points for James!'

James stood in front on the bar, juggling eggs.

'When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs

Every morning to help me get large.

And now that I'm grown, I eat five dozen eggs

So I'm roughly the size of a barge!'

'My, what a guy, that James!'

James took his wand out, hitting a barrel of beer four times.

'No one shoots like James' sang the four men who were getting free refills to their drinks from the shot barrel.

'Makes those beauts 'like James,'

'Then goes tromping around wearing boots like James!'

James threw himself onto his favorite chair. 'I use antlers in all of my decorating!'

'My, what a guy, James!'

Everyone clapped and cheered.

Just then, the tavern door was thrown open, Petunia staggering in, her hair windswept.

"Help! Someone help me!" She screamed. "They have them!"

"Petunia?" some said, confused.

"Please, Please, i need your help!" Petunia yelled, yanking people from their collars wildly. "They have them!"

"Who?" One tavern customer said.

"My Dad and Lily!"

"Woah, woah, Petunia, slow down." James said, adjusting himself in his chair. "Who has Lily and your father?"

"A horrible Beast of a man and his servants!" Petunia bellowed. "I only barely go away, and Lily should be back from now! My mother is worried sick!"

Everyone laughed. "A beast, was he?" One said. "Was he hideously ugly?"

"He was horrible!" Petunia said dramatically. "Surely, they must of been Dark wizards!"

"Alright, Petunia," James said, his elbows on each arm of the chair. "We'll help you out."

Petunia smiled. "You will? Thank you, Thank you-"

Some the the tavern customers grabbed her, dragged her by her arms, and threw her out into the street.

"Crazy old Petunia…" they said as they walked back into the tavern, shutting the door. "She's always good for a laugh."

A thought came over James.

"Crazy old Petunia, hmmm? Crazy old Petunia…"

James looked over to Wormtail. "Wormtail, I'm afraid I've been thinking…"

Wormtail looked shocked. "A dangerous pastime."

James nodded. 'I know,'

'But that whacky old coot is Lily's sister,'

'And her sanity's only "so-so"'

'Now the wheels in my head have been turning,'

'Since I looked at that loony, old girl,'

'See, I've promised myself I'd be married to Lily,'

'And right now I'm evolving a plan!'

James pulled Wormtail close, whispering into his ear.

"If I . . . "

"Yes?"

"Then we . . ."

"No! Would she . . ."

"Guess!"

"Now I get it!"

James and Wormtail put their arms around each other. "Let's go!"

'No one plots like James,'

'Takes cheap shots like James,'

'Plans to persecute harmless girls like James,'

James smiled. 'Yes, I'm endlessly, wildly resourceful."

'As down to the depths you descend,'

'I won't even be mildly remorseful,'

'Just as long as I get what I want in the end!'

'Who has brains like James?'

'Entertains like James?'

'Who can make up these endless refrains like James?'

'And his marriage we soon will be celebrating!'

'My, what a guy,'

'JAMES!'

Petunia stood outside of the tavern. "Idiots." she mumbled to herself.