Warning! This chapter is - intense.

Chapter 9- Going back

I was writing at my desk, a story where we rescued Bella from James after he had kidnapped her and tried to make her his mate. I had just reached the point where I was wrapping my arms around her for the first time in almost ten years, when my cell phone started vibrating across my desk, making more noise than my actual ringtone. I looked at the screen, saw Alice's name and automatically answered.

Alice spat out, "Edward, we need you at the main house- now! There is going to be trouble."

I didn't bother responding, but ended the call, changed into fresh clothing and ran to the main house. The rest of the family was convened at the table for a family meeting. They were all carefully blocking their thoughts from me. I was somewhat curious and walked in to take my place at the large table.

The moment I sat down, with no preamble Carlisle said, "Edward, we are moving again. Alice has seen something that is coming."

I looked at Alice and said, "Alice, is it the reason for your visions blanking out?"

Alice nodded, still blocking her thoughts.

"Would someone like to give me the whole story?" I snapped.

Alice nodded and then said, "Carlisle, this will be better coming from me."

Carlisle nodded and then Alice took my hand. Whatever was going on was going to be bad. Their thought blocking and Alice's caring gesture told me as much. It was beyond frustrating.

Finally Alice softly said, "Edward, the Volturi guard are coming for us. Carlisle is going to Volterra to try to head them off, but we know it won't work. The only advantage is that Aro will send a small contingent instead of coming himself with the full guard and the wives. Aro is coming to break up Carlisle's family. He has decided that we are too large. Last month, Peter and Charlotte arrived in Volterra. Aro forced Peter to shake his hand. Two hours ago, after long deliberations, our fate was decided. Aro will force you, me and Jasper to serve in the guard while he kills the rest of the family. Right now, his plan will mostly work."

I couldn't take it anymore, and said, "Alice, what does mostly work mean?"

Alice whispered, "I think the reason you disappear-"

Blankly I finished her statement, " – is because I don't make it out of the battle alive."

Alice nodded, Esme began to cry and I was numb. It was what I had wanted for so long. I was ready for this existence to be over. Living in a world without Bella was just too painful.

Alice finally said, "Edward, there is one more thing. This isn't going to happen here. We are moving to a new place. I don't understand why, but we are going back to Forks."

I walked out of the room, found the couch and collapsed into a ball and felt the gaping hole get bigger. Forks was the one place I never wanted to go back to. The house held far too many memories. Everywhere I turned, I would see Bella. It was like my own personal hell, made just to torment me. I wasn't alone for long. I felt Esme's arms wrap around me and cradle me to her. She really was my mother in every way that counted. Eventually, the rest of the family joined us and after quite some time I was able to continue the conversation.

"Alice- are you sure that going to Forks is necessary?" I forced out, using all my strength to remain in control.

Alice's thoughts were quite clear. The only way we had any chance of those flashes that she had seen of the rest of the family was to go to Forks. If we remained here, we would all die, there was no room for interpretation, and everyone disappeared for good.

The only thing that even remotely mattered to me was keeping my family safe. I knew that if I could help them, it was my duty to. I was going to die, what was a bit more torture to make them safe. I could go to save their lives. It was the only thing that could force me to go back there. It would also give me a chance to say a final goodbye before the battle, one more chance to catch a whiff of her scent. One stop at Charlie's before it was all over.

Carlisle said my name to get my attention, "Edward, I have to leave with Garrett in twenty minutes. He is my excuse for going to Volterra. He wants to let Aro know of his decision to join the Denalis. Before he met Kate, he was considering joining the guard. He feels honor-bound to inform Aro in person. Alice sees that part of our meeting going well. I am sorry to have to burden you with this son after you have suffered through so much."

In a very father-like gesture, he hugged me to him like I was a small child and held me a moment. Then he kissed Esme goodbye, hugged the rest of my siblings and left.

In no time at all, we were packed and driving towards Forks. Every mile closer felt like the hole in my chest was growing. When we passed the pull off that led to the meadow, the pain overwhelmed me. I pulled over, unable to go further. After a moment, someone opened the door, picked me up, put me in the passenger's seat and got in the driver's side. I had never allowed anyone to drive the Vanquish before, but I was too hurt to care. All I could do was stare out the window at the familiar scenery. As we drove through the town, almost every building brought up something of Bella in my memory. The worse moment, was driving past Forks High School. We had to stop because school was just ending and there was a long line of cars waiting to leave the parking lot. Some of the teachers and students noticed the cars and most were shocked to see such expensive vehicles. One young teacher's thoughts were particularly loud. Angela Cheney instantly thought of our family when she saw the cars, which made her think about Bella, causing her eyes to tear as she remembered her friend. I finally made the connection that she was the same Angela that we had go to high school with and that she must have married Ben. They had the life I had dreamed of for Bella and I. I whimpered and Alice rubbed my shoulder in comforting circles, knowing that being here would hurt. As we sat and waited, every moment with Bella replayed in my mind. From the first day in Biology to the last day- the day she had agreed to wear the promise ring and marry me someday. After an eternity, we were finally able to move away from the school slowly, stuck behind all the student traffic.

When we finally pulled into the drive, which had been cleared for us by a nearby landscaping company, I dreaded the moment the house would come into view. All too soon, I was staring at the place where everything had changed. The last place I had seen my Bella conscious. We were stuck here. It had been too long and not long enough since we had lived her last. Too long to still pass for the ages that we appeared to be and not long enough for the people of the town to die off. We were going to have to keep to ourselves while we were here or go far enough from Forks to keep from being recognized.

That night, I left and went into town. Alice knew and I assumed that when she didn't stop me, that my trip would be safe. I opened the door to the Volvo for the first time in ten years and was assaulted with the sweet agony that was Bella's scent. Somehow, after all these years the upholstery had retained her smell. It was even stronger than it had been in my room. I took a deep breath, savoring it as my mind went back to the first time I had her in my car, after the near disaster in Port Angeles. I turned the key and somehow the car started without protest and realized that Rose had not been working on her car today but the Volvo. Her scent was faint but distinguishable on the steering wheel where she had gripped it to start the car.

I drove though the sleeping little town; avoiding the normal route I would have taken. I left my car parked behind the pharmacy a mile from Charlie's. I walked quickly, knowing that there was no one awake in the area who would see me. The moment Charlie's house came into view, I froze. So many memories came flooding back to me, especially as I focused on the window over the front door that looked into her bedroom. I went to the tree, climbed it, noticing its slight growth in the passing years and then I was looking into her room. Nothing had changed. It was waiting for her just like the day she must have left, the DVD I had sent to end it, still sitting by her computer. The moment I lifted the window was like being hit by a semi. Her scent was almost as strong as being around her. Every inch of the room was still permeated with it, only mixed with a faint note of Charlie and copious amounts of dust. Charlie rarely bothered to clean it, which in this case I was thankful for. I stayed there all night, until I heard Charlie begin to wake. I knew I could not risk coming here often but I was glad I had the chance. Just before I climbed out the window, I did the one thing I had never done before and whispered, "Goodbye my love, my Bella."

I gently moved out the window, lowered it back into place and walked back to my car, feeling the pain with a slight solace of peace at my chance to say a permanent goodbye.

When I got back, Alice was blocking me from her thoughts completely. Something had happened but she was refusing to let me know. I called out, "Alice, what are you hiding?"

Alice retorted, "Something you don't need to know brother of mine, stop worrying."

I growled slightly and then went to my room. I could hear Esme's joy at the slight bit of life in our short conversation and was reminded once again that I was really a shell of the person I had been and that my family was still suffering Bella's loss as well.

The next few days, Alice was actually joyful. There wasn't a single hint of sadness left in her. A large part of me resented it. Bella had been her best friend. A smaller voice reminded me that, time does heal wounds. The only one who was not going to recover completely was myself. I was glad that she was able to have joy, even though the rest weren't there yet. I wondered if she was trying to enjoy the last few weeks she would have me with her and then decided that it didn't matter.

The next day Carlisle was finally set to return. Esme was happy because she had missed him. The moment he came into the range of my ability, I could tell that something was wrong. He was thinking at me that I needed to prepare myself to hear something very difficult. Alice gasped and ran from the house as a flash of something came to her. I sat on the couch somber and focused. Carlisle was convinced that the information he was forcing himself not to think about might even be worse than losing Bella had been for me. I was floored and was hoping with everything I had that he was wrong. The moment he walked in the door Esme ran to him, threw her arms around him and kissed him. She wanted to disappear into their room like they usually did after an absence, but Carlisle sadly shook his head and walked toward me.

He sat on the couch and took a shaky breath. Then he showed me the image of a strange girl who appeared to be around my age. She looked almost like a vampire except from Carlisle's memory she had a heartbeat. I looked at him desperately and quickly whispered, "Carlisle, what is she?"

Carlisle wrapped his arm around me and gently said, "Son- she is a vampire – human hybrid. Her mother was human when she was conceived, her father was a vampire."

I stared at him uncomprehendingly for a split second before it sank in. I breathed out, "Carlisle- that's impossible."

I was determined that it was some cruel kind of joke or a trick on the Volturi's part. Sadly Carlisle said, "Son, there is no doubt. Aro confirmed it showing me his picture documentation of the girl growing up and told me that there were other cases they had found after investigating the phenomenon."

The awful realization began to sink in and I screamed as Esme and Carlisle held me, both crying with me. Bella had lied to Kate. She hadn't slept with anyone else. The baby girl she had been carrying when her body was found was mine. I began to chant, " No, no, no, no, no," over and over again.

After a moment, Esme whispered over me, "Carlisle, I don't understand."

Carlisle began, "It took me a while to come to the conclusion that Edward has Esme-"

I held my hand up to stop him and in a dead broken voice said, "Bella lied. There wasn't anyone else. The baby was mine."

I heard Jasper, Alice and Esme's thoughts the instant my statement registered with them. I called out, "Jasper-" and almost instantly my brother was in front of me, sending me every wave of lethargy, comfort and numbness that he could as I tried to drift away from the pain.

After a few hours of the numb abyss, Jasper slowly began to remove his influence at Carlisle's request. There would not be a repeat of the Tanya incident. I now knew why I would be lost in the fight. I was going to let myself be killed. I was not going to be able to recover from this. I needed to get away from them. I needed to be on my own to think. I abruptly shoved them all away and ran from the house, not caring where I was headed. The moment I left the sphere of Jasper's influence I almost fell, from the sheer pain and heartache. I ran until I found myself in sunlight as recognition dawned on me that I had gone to our meadow.

I screamed as I sank to the ground, scaring every form of life away from me as fast as it could move. Then moments later, Rose and Emmett's thoughts began to invade mine, recognizing the voice that was screaming. They ran to the clearing and were in front of me in seconds, abandoning their kills mid-feed, not caring about their hunt for once. Rose grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look at her as she asked, "What's wrong Edward?"

I knew they needed to know. I brokenly said, "I'll tell you if you promise to leave. I can't take being with others right now."

Rose and Emmett nodded, suddenly very worried for me. "Carlisle came back today. He met a young girl in Volterra named Nessie. She is a vampire-human hybrid. Her mother was human when she was conceived, but her father was a vampire."

Before I could say it, horror spread across Rose's face as she let out, "Bella lied to Kate. The baby- oh God, Edward!"

Then Emmett caught on and bitterly spat out, "God, can't he get a break- he can't handle anymore! He's already been through more hell than anyone should have to deal with. He doesn't need this too!" uttering the first prayer I had ever heard pass my brother's lips, which I would have found interesting if I could think about anything else.

Gently, they both wrapped their arms around me in the attempt to provide comfort. After a few moments I choked out, "I'm sorry, but please leave. I need-"

Rose kissed my forehead gently, grabbed Emmett's hand wordlessly and they ran towards the house both telling me through their thoughts that they understood.

For the first time in the past decade, my thoughts were consumed not with Bella but with the child, we had both lost when Bella's life was taken. The hole was now so big that I was only a shell of myself. There was nothing left. My hope was finally gone. I was thankful for the pending fight. I would not have to suffer much longer. I stayed in the meadow for two days before I heard something growl and a familiar awful stench filled my nostrils. The wolves had no idea we were back. A russet colored wolf entered the meadow on extreme guard. His mind was intense and fascinating. He could hear the thoughts of the whole pack at once. Then he stopped suddenly at the order of his alpha and shifted to reveal Jacob Black.

Gruffly he said, "Cullen- what are you doing here?"

I knew I had to explain for my family, although part of me desperately just wanted him to rip me limb from limb. In a monotone drone I said, "The Volturi are coming and we are to fight them from our house here. Please feel free to send representatives to our house. Carlisle will be more than happy to explain. I need you to go now, Jacob."

Jacob looked at me and correctly assumed that there was something seriously wrong with me and ran from the meadow, shifting as he hit the edge of the trees.

I lost track of time, the days and nights blurred together. Jasper came to check on me occasionally but otherwise the family let me be, which I was thankful for, until the day before the fight when Carlisle came. He sank to the ground with me and wrapped his arms around me. Then he said, "Oh, my son. If I could, I would take this hurt on myself for you. You have been through so much."

His thoughts were remembering the pain of watching his own human children grow up and eventually die from a distance all without their father. It was the closest thing he could use to relate to what I was going through. He had watched his human wife, Catherine, die in the arms of another man.

Of our immortal family, only Carlisle and Esme had been married while they were human. He knew the pain of losing a wife and children. Although he eventually had found Esme to replace his long dead wife and the rest of us to replace his human children, he would always feel the pain of losing his other family. I knew from Esme's mind that there was no true recovery from the loss of a child. She found comfort in the rest of us, but her arms still ached to hold her baby.

I stood and walked from the meadow, towards the house. I was ready to face the Volturi. I was ready for the pain of this life to end. I only hoped that Carlisle was right. I wanted heaven. I knew what was waiting for me there.

*hides behind my computer chair*

Kind of nervous about how everyone is going to react to this chapter. I really want honest feedback on this one please!

Review please?