Chapter Ten
"I… didn't want you to know," Jon admitted in a broken voice, never hating himself more in that moment. "And it really wasn't that bad when we were together," he added quickly, not knowing if he was trying to make Robb or himself feel better. "Or even before, really. It stopped being so bad once we became friends."
"But it's true," Robb growled angrily as he stumbled to the couch and sat down heavily, fisting his hair with both hands. "Fuck!"
Jon bit his lip as he stood there indecisively, not knowing if he would be welcome any closer. He had meant to ease the other man into the confession. Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference, but he could have at least tried. He was sure that he had ruined everything now.
"I'm sorry," he muttered, not knowing what else to say.
"What the fuck are you sorry for?" Robb asked, head snapping up to look at Jon with confused eyes. "You aren't the one who was too blind to notice the man he loved getting beaten on a regular basis," he ground out. When Jon didn't say anything, he groaned. "Fuck, you were beaten on a regular basis!"
"No, I'm the asshole who lied to you for years and then broke your heart because I was too much of a fucking coward to deal with my foster father," Jon snapped bitterly, tears building in his eyes as he looked away.
He didn't see Robb get up, but suddenly his arms were around him as he pulled him close to his chest. "Hey, no," he told him gently. "You were a kid who had been hurt for years and you did what you thought best."
Jon shook his head vehemently even as he leaned into Robb's embrace, letting his tears soak into the other man's shirt. He didn't deserve this comfort, but he wasn't strong enough to push it away.
Why was he never fucking strong enough to do the right thing?
"I did what I did because I was an idiot," he spat, voice coming out muffled. "You should hate me for screwing everything up.
Robb led him over to the couch and sank down with him, pulling back a bit so that one arm was Jon's back and his other hand held Jon's hand. "Why don't you tell me the whole story and then I'll decide whether or not I hate you?"
Jon worried the inside of his lip as he considered that. On one hand, he didn't want to think about his childhood very much, let alone talk about it. Especially when it had been him who had been the bad guy in the end. On the other hand, though, Robb deserved the truth.
He sighed, leaning forward to rest his arms on his knees in an attempt to get away from Robb's embrace. If he was going to do this, he had to do with without a crutch that was likely to be ripped away from him in the end.
Robb must have understood on some level, as he pulled his hands back to rest on his own knees.
"You know I was placed in the Targaryens' house when I was five," he began. He said placed because Aerys and Rhaella had always made it quite clear that they weren't adopting him, that he wasn't part of the family. That hadn't, of course, stopped a tiny two-year-old Dany from toddling after him everywhere he went. Rhaegar had graduated the year before he came, and Viserys was a moody preteen who wanted nothing to do with any of them.
Jon didn't like dwelling on thoughts of his foster family, or how warily excited his five-year-old self had been at the process of staying in a big mansion with this perfect family forever. After being bounced around from foster family to foster family, never staying more than a year anywhere, it had seemed like a dream come true.
"I'm sure most people thought it was just a publicity stunt by the Senator," he continued wryly. "'Aerys Targaryen totally cares for the poor. Look! He took in this poor foster kid.' That kind of thing. But that's not why…"
"Then why?" Robb prompted gently after Jon fell silent for a moment.
He took a deep breath. "Because my foster mother wanted to protect her real children," he replied sadly. He didn't even blame her for it, really. Dany deserved to be protected, and Viserys, despite his faults, certainly didn't deserve what happened to him. "Whenever Aerys got angry, he was supposed to take his frustrations out on me."
"You were their fucking whipping boy?" Robb asked in a tight voice. Jon glanced over to see him nearly trembling with rage. "That's barbaric."
"It wasn't all bad," Jon tried to assure him, not sure how convincing he sounded, though, when he himself didn't believe what he was saying. "The first couple of years, I had Dany, and Viserys even was sometimes nice to me. But then it was just me and the Senator."
"What happened, Jon?" he asked softly.
"The Senator caught Viserys kissing another boy," he told him. "He was so angry, the other boy had barely fled the house before he began hitting him. Rhaella tried to stop him, but he…"
Jon closed his eyes, remembering that night all too well. Aerys, raining blow after blow onto Viserys prone form. Rhaella, lunging forward only to be pushed aside, hitting the mantle with a sickening crack. Dany, crying in Jon's arms as he ran from the room to cower in a closet upstairs.
Flames, burning higher and higher into the night sky.
"They said they died in the fire that night, but they were dead hours before then," Jon whispered shakily.
"Shit," Robb breathed, looking at him in horror.
He chuckled humorlessly. "I'm pretty sure everyone knew, too. No one dared to say anything against him, though," he remarked bitterly, shaking his head. "Rhaegar took Dany after that. I'm pretty sure he told Aerys that if he didn't let her go, he would go to the press and tell them everything. Maybe he wouldn't have been arrested, but it would have hurt his re-election that year."
"And he just left you there? With an abusive murderer?!" he asked, incredulously.
Jon shrugged. "He and Lyanna lived overseas. As a ward of the state, I couldn't live anywhere but New York," he reminded. "If it makes you feel better, your Aunt Lyanna didn't know. She told me so tonight."
"I don't care if Aunt Lyanna knew or not, I care that my fucking uncle knew and did nothing," Robb snarled. "You could have died!"
"I didn't," Jon assured him, laying a soothing hand on Robb's arm. "I'm fine."
"No thanks to him," he muttered darkly.
"I'm glad he at least got Dany away safely," he murmured. "That made things a little easier to bear."
"How could I not have noticed anything?" Robb asked in a choked voice.
"I wasn't lying when I said it wasn't that bad after I became friends with you," Jon told him earnestly. "Yeah, he still treated me like shit, but he didn't hit me that often, and he never left any suspicious bruises. He was afraid your father would notice." Not that Aerys didn't find other ways to torture him, but that was neither here nor there. "He knew the General would never turn a blind eye if he found out."
Robb caught Jon's hand in his and held it tightly like a lifeline. "Why didn't you tell him, then?" he asked in a pleading voice. "You knew that he would have helped you!"
"How?" Jon snapped in frustration. "No one was going to believe some nobody foster kid over a United fucking States Senator. And even if they did, what would happen? I'd go back into the system? Get sent who knows where in this stupid city?"
"We would have taken you in," Robb insisted, hands coming up to grasp his shoulders tightly and turn him to look him in the eye. "Jon, you're family!"
"Your mother never thought so," he muttered, even if he was still confused over Catelyn's remarks at dinner. "And the State of New York didn't either."
Robb winced at the reference to Catelyn. "Was she really what drove you away?"
"No," Jon admitted, feeling guilty for using her as a scapegoat. "She just gave me an easy excuse. What your father said to me is what made me so scared."
"What?" he asked, incredulous. "But he was supported us!"
"He wanted me to tell the Senator about us," Jon told him. "Said that I owed him the truth so that a scandal wouldn't break out. I just…" he swallowed thickly and looked down. "I couldn't help think about what happened to Viserys," he whispered, blinking back tears in shame.
"Jon," Robb breathed before he was gathering him into a tight embrace. "He wouldn't have made you tell Targaryen anything you didn't want to."
"I know," he said shakily. "But I couldn't help being afraid that he'd find out anyway. I mean, we didn't tell your parents and they found out. One slip-up and the Senator would have…"
He trailed off with a shudder. Why was he so afraid still? Aerys Targaryen couldn't hurt him now. He hadn't even seen the old man in years.
"It was easier to just break up with you," he muttered, voice full of self-loathing. "I was a coward."
"No," Robb said firmly, pulling back to look him in the eye. Jon was surprised that there were tears in his eyes. "You did what you had to do to make sure you survived," he stated. "And then I treated you like crap for all of senior year and you had absolutely no reason to want to stick around. Don't you dare blame yourself for anything."
Jon couldn't help but smile a bit at that. "You know, I was scared that you'd be angry when I told you," he confessed. "Not tell me that I was blameless."
"Oh, I'm angry," Robb told him, jaw clenched. "Just not at you. Jon, I am furious that someone hurt you, and I am even more furious that people apparently fucking knew and did nothing."
He relaxed completely at that. This was a Robb that he was familiar with. The Robb that would pick fights with anyone who teased Jon at school and who would scowl whenever Jon said something self-deprecating.
"I don't care," he said gently, snaking his arms around Robb's waist as he scooted closer. "I'm okay now, and I have you and your family again. Nothing else matters to me."
"I love you," Robb said seriously, hands coming up to frame his face. "And you'll always have me. Just… no more keeping things that hurt you secret, okay?"
"I think I can handle that," he replied, before glancing at the clock on the cable box and sighing. "I've got to get dressed and go to work."
Robb made a note of distress and wrapped him in a bear hug. "No," he whined playfully. "You can't leave me now."
Jon smiled, knowing that Robb was trying to lighten the mood even if he seriously didn't want Jon to leave. "I have to," he replied, trying to disentangle himself. "I can't really take a mental health day in the middle of a murder investigation."
"You can if you need one," he said stubbornly, eyeing Jon in concern.
"I don't need one," Jon assured him, leaning in and giving him a gentle kiss, amazed that he had this again. "Trust me, I'm happier than I've been in a long time, even if I had to think about my crappy childhood this morning."
Robb frowned but let him up. "Jon?" he called before he could walk into his room. He looked back to look at him in askance. "Why haven't you gone after Aerys for your foster mother and brother's deaths?"
"Yeah, cause that would go over well," he scoffed. "'Former foster kid claims United States Senator committed murder twenty years ago.' Great headline."
"No," he replied seriously. "'Rising star NYPD detective investigates twenty year murder cover up by former U.S. Senator.' That's your headline."
Jon paused at that. The whole "rising star" bit was probably overstating things, but he wasn't some loser foster kid anymore. He was one of the youngest detectives on the force, and he was on the legendary Lieutenant Yoren's homicide squad. Maybe he could get justice for Viserys and Rhaella.
He could at least try, right?
"I'll think about it," he murmured, but leaving to get dressed. Whatever he decided to do, it would have to wait until after the current investigation wrapped up.
tbc…