Chelsea Grin (10)
Surrealism

Loki continued to visit Natasha and made a routine of reading to her until sunset. He was able to finish Crime and Punishment, reading the last line quietly, "That might be the subject of a new story, but our present story is ended."

He closed the book shut and stowed it away. "Well, that's it. What should we read next? War and Peace?"

Then he thought better and shook his head with a wry smile. "Even I would get gray hair by the time I get through the entire book. Are Tolstoy's books always that big?"

"He was a very dedicated scholar. He had a lot to say about life and the world."

"True. I admire people of that sort. Writing is what I enjoy, but I feel that whatever I have to say isn't worth hearing."

Natasha paused before replying, "You write?"

He shrugged. "Whenever I had the time. I was raised to be a prince and a warrior, not a scholar. I have a collection of short poems and drabbles, nothing more. I've never shown them to anybody. Not even to my own mother. But someday...I could bring them down here and show them to you."

'If I ever had the chance to return to Asgard, that is.'

"I look forward to seeing them one day."

He smiled at her then. He wasn't sure whether she was just trying to be polite, or she really meant it. Somehow he was determined to keep to his end of the promise. He rose from her bedside.

"Have a good evening, Natasha. How about we read something from CS Lewis next time?"

"Sounds good."

But on the next day, Thor invited Loki to have lunch with him. The God of Mischief was going to speak up about seeing Natasha when he held his tongue. He didn't want Thor to think he had some sort of attachment to her. Still, he felt bad for going somewhere else without telling her.

The two brothers entered a deli restaurant together, with Thor's arm around Loki's shoulder. A man at the booth closest to them winked. A few people stared and seemed to smile in approval. An adolescent girl giggled among her friends.

"Hey, check out that couple. They're so cute."

Loki heard this, but Thor was oblivious. Embarrassed, The God of Mischief quickly shook off Thor's arm and hunched his shoulders. Thor looked a little hurt.

"What's the matter? It was merely a gesture of brotherly-"

"I understand." Then Loki said in disgust, "But to people in this world, it means something else entirely. They are quick to assume."

Thor caught on. "That we are...lovers? Preposterous!"

"I second that. Just be careful from now on."

Other than that little hitch, lunch was a pleasant affair. Thor seemed to be fond of casual dining here on Midgard. The sandwiches were surprisingly tasty, though Loki was initially appalled at the thought of using his fingers to eat.

"How are you faring in Midgard?" Thor asked.

"I'm doing well enough. Guess what I can do now."

Loki quickly glanced both ways. No one was looking. He extended his hand and made a show of making the salt and pepper float. Thor's eyes flew wide.

"You got more of your magic back? That is great news! Father's ravens must've stopped by your place."

"Yes, they did. Though I wonder when I will ever regain the rest of my abilities. Surely the Allfather won't let me perform illusionary arts anytime soon. Or my capability of energy projection, for that matter."

Thor chewed at his food thoughtfully before replying. "You have no love for this world, I know. It must be strange to you. Perhaps Father wanted to make you comfortable here. It's a sign of his love and trust. I'm sure of it, brother."

"Love and trust me? After all I had done?"

Thinking of Odin soured his mood. He could no longer eat his dwindling sandwich. How could Thor sit before him in a restaurant, eating a huge panini and exchanging small talk as if Loki had never killed that agent...and probably hundreds of others in this city? He thought of his punishment with the snake. Odin deserved the title of Allfather, with all his unsurpassed power and wisdom. But sometimes Loki was at a loss to what Odin had been thinking. How could he be so steel-hearted to carry out the punishment? At the same time, what made him decide that Loki returns to Earth, free of his sentence and comdemnation?

'He could not have done both out of love. I just cannot believe it.' Loki thought.

Thor reached out to put a hand on Loki's shoulder. "We grew up and have gone through much together. Don't doubt for a second that I see you as a true brother, just as much as our father sees you as a true son."

"Our father..."

Loki didn't bother to correct him, nor asked him to take his hand off. He sighed and managed a weak smile. When they finished lunch, Thor paid for both of them. He followed Loki back to the Stark tower and they parted ways. Loki spent the rest of his day re-practicing magic. He was flexing his mind, more or less.

When he visited Natasha again, the first thing he did was apologize.

"I'm sorry about not seeing you yesterday. Thor took me along for lunch."

"It's all right. The Captain and Dr. Banner stopped by while you were away."

"I see. And speaking of the others...where is Agent Barton? I haven't seen him around. Not that he would enjoy the company, of course."

Natasha hesitated before replying, "I can't tell you. But he won't be back in a while."

Loki was oddly relieved to hear that. He pulled up a chair to her bedside with the CS Lewis book in hand.

"I think I'll be reading The Screwtape Letters. It is such an intriguing work. The book is written as letters addressed to a demon named Wormwood, who is being taught by his uncle Screwtape how to tempt people."

Unsurprisingly enough, Loki made a great impersonation of Screwtape. His voice was low and sinister, bordering on comical as Screwtape constantly berated his nephew for being an incompetent oaf. He looked up from time to time, observing Natasha's reaction. As usual, she listened carefully and laid still in bed. But sometimes he thought he caught her pursing her lips, narrowing her mouth into a tight line. It was brief, a shadow of a movement. Loki could've easily missed it. But it was there. It was as if she was holding back laughter, from laughing aloud if she could. Somehow, the thought of that enlightened Loki.

The Screwtape Letters was a short book. He was halfway through by the time he had to bid Natasha farewell. He went to bed that night, thinking it had been an all-around pleasant day.

He was wrong. It was back.

The darkness, the cold...the nightmare. Loki could only see the light of dying stars. The visibility of dark emptiness was frightening. Dread formed a hard, cold stone in his stomach.

'It's always the same. I'll be chased down and killed again.'

But nothing of the sort happened. Two stars glowed brighter than the rest. They pulsed and glittered, and suddenly a dreadful snarl sounded. Loki's head twinged in pain. The two stars became the eyes of a great black wolf. It detached itself from the darkness in an explosion of fur and claws. Loki turned tail and ran.

But he ran as if he was bogged down by deep, cold mud. He felt the wolf breathing down his neck. It sent chills up his spine. He feared to look over his shoulder. Ice-cold claws tore through his back, causing him to reel in agony. They took hold of him, never letting go. He felt his own blood spilling out and quickly growing cold, paralyzing him from head to toe. Loki opened his mouth to scream. But no sound came out. His throat was caught in the jaws of the wolf, and his heart lurched in terror the same time the beast gnashed its fangs together.

Loki lurched forward with a strangled cry. The wolf was gone. So was the darkness. His hand flew to his throat. He blew a shaky sigh of relief to feel his windpipe still intact. He opened his eyes, and found that the TV was still on. His hand groped for the remote. He flicked the TV off and squeezed his eyes shut as a headache pounded at his temples.

'How could I have forgotten to turn it off before I went to sleep?'

But that was the problem. Loki had intended to stay up late and watch some TV. He was in the middle of watching Game of Thrones when he...dozed off? It didn't make sense.

His thoughts cut off as he tried to soothe his headache. He laid back and let the soft pillows cushion his head. After a few minutes, the pain died away.

'I must be watching that show too much. Direwolves run in my mind as if they strayed from the television screen.'

Loki pulled the covers up to his chest and laid in bed serenely. But before he slipped into sleep, he couldn't help thinking that the nightmare seemed bizarre and unsettling.

The second time he dreamed was a few nights later. A huge black bear emerged from the darkness. Its ragged breath steamed from its slavering jaws, illuminating its dead eyes. Loki's own breath was light and shallow. He didn't know what would happen next. The bear reared up on its hind legs, towering over Loki by at least three heads. It uttered a terrible roar, but Loki could not move. Waves of pain pounded into his head. He could do nothing as the bear swung its huge paw straight at his torso.

Loki snapped back into reality, clutching his stomach. Feeling nauseated, he staggered to the bathroom. Thankfully he didn't vomit. He just felt tired as he leaned over the sink. Splashing cold water at his face relieved him a bit. But when Loki returned to bed, he didn't feel much better. He hated being caught between feeling fatigued and being unable to sleep.

'How long will this go on? If this keeps going, I won't be surprised if I'll be driven insane.'

During the day, Loki finished reading the rest of The Screwtape Letters to Natasha. It took his mind off the nightmares, and he prayed that it would go away for good.

He was wrong again. This time he dreamed of a black crow. At first he thought it was perhaps Huginn or Muninn, traveling between dimensions to visit him in the realm of dreams. Odin could make them do that sometimes. But when he called out to the bird, it didn't respond. Nor did it appear friendly. It stared back at him through pale, dead eyes. Loki shut his eyes to avoid looking at it.

'I need to snap out of this. It isn't real. Wake up...wake up!'

But nothing happened. Loki opened his eyes and the crow was still there.

Then it uttered a harsh caw and flew at him. Again, as he did with the wolf and bear, he ran. But the crow caught up to him. It pecked at Loki's forehead, its beak like a sword threatening to split open his skull. He cried out and cursed the bird. It wouldn't stop, and it felt even worse than the fangs of a wolf or the claws of a bear. Then it cackled.

Loki woke up with a ragged scream. He trembled like a wet leaf in the wind. Cold and sticky sweat coated his entire body. Above all, his head pounded and his vision swam. He fell back into the pillows, trying to calm himself down.

'Gods help me. My nightmares are getting worse and worse.'

Each nightmare was filled with more blood, death and destruction. And each time, Loki woke up with a headache more painful than the last.

'Since my first nightly visit with Natasha and up until now, I had been sleeping just fine. Why are the nightmares back?'

Loki stared out the window. He found the city lights somewhat comforting despite the unnatural brightness.

'Black...the animal is always black. What could it mean?'

He groaned in pain as he felt the headache settle in. It had gotten so bad to the point he clutched a pillow, squeezed it against the sides of his head and growled in frustration.

'When will this hell ever end? Why is this happening to me?'

Then he remembered the crow's eerie laughter. It sounded too human to resemble an animal cry. A cold chill ran through Loki as it dawned on him.

'It's the Other. He is back to haunt my dreams and find me.'

He hunched over the bedside, troubled and deep in thought.

'No...if he knew where I was, he'd be here on Earth by now, with me dead at his feet. Or is it something else? Perhaps he does know, but is simply waiting according to some other plan...some grander scheme?'

Loki didn't like to think the Other had won the internal battle. Even without his magic, Loki was well trained in the art of shielding his mind, to the point he did it unconsciously. But how long could he hold on? The Other, with his dark sorcery and through his dark animalistic forms, was undeniably growing stronger. Loki wasn't keen on thinking of anything possibly worse than the crow.

All this made him feel very frustrated and tired. It was tempting to take his mind off of it and sleep. But that was exactly what the Other wanted. Loki couldn't afford to lower his defenses.

During the daytime, he tried to occupy himself at the gym. But as he poured all his frustration and sleepless nights into a punching bag, he got so agitated that he sent it flying across the room. Loki cleaned up the sand with a wave of his hand. After that he decided to swim in the lap pool. He stripped down to what the Midgardians call "swimming trunks," and swam a few laps. Whenever he stopped to take a break, Loki would go to the deepest part of the pool. There he would submerge, sit at the bottom and remain still for a while. The water felt cool and refreshing. The pressure surrounding him felt firm and comfortable. But he knew that he couldn't stay in the water forever. He climbed out of the pool reluctantly and returned to his room for a shower.

It was through the lull of hot water and steam that drowsiness threatened to overcome him. He shook his head furiously, sending drops of water flying from his hair. A stab of pain seared through his head like a hot brand. He cascade of water didn't help. He abruptly shut off the showerhead and stepped out onto the bathroom. Hunched over and clutching the sink, he tried to catch his breath. He didn't bother to dry himself yet. The cold air kept him awake and alert.

Loki reached out and dragged his hand across the foggy mirror. His face, gaunt and pale, peered back at him. His eyes, edged with dark bruises, were filmy and dull from fatigue. He rubbed them with his knuckles and blinked several times. He finally stepped back to grab a towel and dry himself.

'I can't go to sleep tonight. It'll be a huge risk. What can I do in the mean time?'

Just as finished asking himself the question, there was also an answer. He changed into nice clothes, and teleported straight from the bathroom to the hospital.

Natasha was awake this time. She had been staring at the ceiling as she hummed. The digital notebook sat at her lap, as usual. When Loki appeared before her, she stopped.

"Please continue. You have a lovely voice."

She stiffened. "You've heard me before?"

"Many times."

A long pause ensued. Then she replied, "...I'm not sure what to say about that."

Loki actually burst out laughing. "Yes, I suppose you have good reason to be awkwardly baffled. I merely didn't want to disturb you from resting."

"Speaking of rest...you look tired."

Loki made a rueful smirk. "Hard not to notice, is it?" His eyes softened as he observed her more carefully. "You don't look so good yourself."

Her face was wry and somewhat defeated as she typed, "I tried to get out of the bed and into the wheelchair. Even with the nurse helping me, it hurt like hell. I think I sat down too hard. After that, the nurse told me not to go to the gym. So here I am, back in bed, sore all over and unable to exercise."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do for you?"

Natasha typed out a slow, hesitant reply. "I'm feeling...a little feverish right now. Could you...?"

Loki nodded in understanding. "I know what you mean." He sat at her bedside, close enough to touch shoulders with her. His arms slowly turned blue. Like winter's first frost creeping on the ground, the patterns showed up as white lines and swirls.

Her cheek was warm and soft against his hand. She closed her eyes and exhaled quietly through her nose. She did not flinch as Loki stroked his thumb across her stitched scars. His touch was light and soft, barely a brush on her skin. He didn't know what possessed him to get in that close. This wasn't the first time Natasha saw his Jotun form. Nor was it their first time of touching each other.

Loki's low whisper broke the silence. "You must trust me an awful lot to let me get this close to you."

Her eyes fluttered open to meet his gaze. Up close, they were mesmerizing. In the darkness, he couldn't tell whether they were a shade of green or blue. Perhaps they were both. He saw a storm in her eyes, constantly shifting like the tides or the winds. Most people liked to look at open, empty skies. Loki preferred looking at storms. To him, there was a certain beauty present in those roiling clouds and stirring waters. There was also power and majesty, something he also saw in Natasha's eyes.

Some would say that her gaze was unsettling and intimidating. They would quickly look away. Loki thought otherwise: her eyes were lovely and captivating.

A splitting headache suddenly broke the spell. Loki shut his eyes and winced. A peculiar feeling washed over him. As if his free hand didn't belong to him, it jerked towards Natasha. He stopped himself and veered off to hit the wall, just inches away from Natasha's face. His skin abruptly changed color, back to normal human pink. He snatched his hand from Natasha's touch and stumbled back. He tried to think of something, some kind of explanation for his behavior. But he couldn't.

"I shouldn't linger around any longer. I...I could be a danger to you. I'm sorry."

He caught her look of confusion before he disappeared from her sight. His room flashed back into his vision. He looked down at his hands in horror.

'I tried to hit her. What in the Nine Realms is wrong with me?'

He groaned and clutched both hands to his head. He remained that way on the bed for a while. Loki's head snapped up when he heard the door slide.

Tony entered the room, sporting a formal tie and suit. "Hey, just dropping by to let you know that there's a get-together on the first floor tonight. Everyone will be there. Well, except for Agents Romanoff and Barton. I'm guessing Legolas must be out for S.H.I.E.L.D. stuff, but Fury's keeping his lips sealed. So uh...if you feel like coming, dress up and play nice."

He was backing away when he reopened the door. He peered at Loki closely.

"Hey, you all right? Not looking too perky there."

Loki tried to dismiss it with a casual shrug. "Just watching too much television. I haven't noticed."

"Yeah, isn't my flat-screen awesome? Anyways, dinner tonight. Don't forget."

Tony shut the door, leaving Loki alone to decide.

Finally, he went to change into the same suit he wore when he went out with Thor, Jane and Darcy. He concluded that anything was better than sitting in his bed all night. He wished Natasha could join. But thinking of her made him think of what he could have done to her. He hated the guilt that followed afterwards. With a growl, Loki shook his head to clear the thoughts. He quickly checked himself at the bathroom mirror. His fingers brushed over his skin, especially under his eyes, as he worked some magic: to literally bring up the blood and mask his weary appearance.

The improvised effect was temporary, but it would have to do for now. Loki decided to walk downstairs. Voices drifted from below. He could hear tables being moved, silverware being assembled and drinks being poured. He could also hear Tony and Pepper talking, though they were nearly drowned out by the rap music playing at full blast.

Pepper had to raise her voice. "Tony, for crying out loud...can you change the music? I don't think our guests would want to hear Lil Wayne the entire night."

A few moments later, AC/DC's "Shoot To Thrill" reverberated across the entire floor. Hearing it instantly reminded Loki of that night in Germany.

"That's better, I guess." Pepper said. "I would prefer ambiance or classical jazz for the occasion."

Tony laughed. "Sorry, honey. Those aren't part of my musical vocabulary."

"I really wish we could invite Natasha over. She's an Avenger too."

"Yeah, but it just wouldn't work. We can't all crowd into her room and throw a fiesta. Besides, even if she could come, I don't think she's much of a party person anyway."

"There's more to her than you think, Tony." Pepper said. "She definitely knows how to dress and act classy. Better than you, even."

"Correction: no one's better than me at anything. Especially parties. That's the unspoken rule of this house...of my house."

"If this is your house, why don't you do your work?"

"That's exactly what I'm doing, honey. I'm in charge of the drinks and music, remember? Hey Happy! We need more booze over here. There's a whole cooler of Bud Lite near the fridge."

"No, Tony...we have enough alcohol. This is a nice get-together, not a rave."

"Darn, Pepper...you're no fun."

When Loki finally arrived on the first floor, Tony was turning away from Pepper and heading out of the kitchen. He lounged across a couch while Pepper kept working. Steve and Happy were already there, helping her set up the table and carrying plates of food over.

Loki hung back, out of sight. He didn't want his presence and unpredictable behavior getting in the way. He also wasn't keen on seeing if his little cover-up would work or not.

He saw Pepper making an exasperated sigh as she glared at Tony and pointed to the Captain. "Look at this wonderful gentleman, who showed up early yet volunteered to help anyway. What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm watching for the others so I can welcome them through the doors."

"Tony. The doors are automatic."

"...I knew that."

"I swear...for a billionaire genius, you come up with the dumbest excuses in all of human history. Now I say this to you in the most loving way possible: get your lazy ass over here and help me out."

Steve tried not to laugh as Tony hurried into the kitchen to obey. The billionaire assigned himself to cutting up fruit.

"Why can't you just order food for catering?" he complained. "Makes it a hella lot easier."

"I want to do it the genuine, old-fashioned way. I'd rather have people enjoy something I make than something I can afford. Besides, it would be a shame to abandon this lovely kitchen."

Steve took the dish of diced potatoes from her with a smile. "I second you on that, ma'am."

Tony threw him a withering glare. "Don't you even..."

Pepper glanced from her work and saw Loki standing off to the side. She greeted him with a warm smile. "Hey, Loki. Glad you could join us. You're just in time for dinner. I have the pasta ready, with only a little pesto sauce and lots of cilantro. Just the way you like it. Don't be shy...come on over here."

He approached with hesitation. Suddenly he was seized by a terrible, burning anger. All sorts of thoughts sprang unbidden to his head.

'Who is this lowly woman to order me around? Why am I even here? I have the magic and the power...I do what I want, whenever and whatever I please!'

He tightened his fist and a growl escaped through clenched teeth.

"Forget your pathetic mortal food!" he snarled.

His outburst startled everyone at the table. Looking up at Pepper, the feeling grew even worse. She eyed him with mixed concern and uncertainty.

"Loki? Are you all right?"

His hand flew to his face and massaged his forehead. He tried to suppress the peculiar rage and turmoil. He grasped the countertop to steady himself. He waved a hand away and muttered, "It's nothing. Don't mind me. I apologize for being rude."

Pepper smiled nervously. "That's all right. You must've had a long night. Tony told me you looked tired when he came to tell you about dinner."

"Er, yes..."

He was loath to admit how weak he had been lately. Tony and Happy resumed their conversation about the latest sport cars while Steve continued to help setting up the table.

About twenty minutes passed before more guests arrived. Thor sauntered through the sliding doors with a beaming smile wide on his face. "Hello, everyone! I look forward to a pleasant evening with good food and good friends."

Jane and Darcy came behind Thor, followed by Bruce and Dr. Selvig as they heatedly discussed nuclear physics and quantum mechanics. Soon the room was filled with exchange of warm and cordial greetings.

"Hey, mind if I join your little science talk?" Tony asked.

"Not at all." Bruce replied. "We're just talking about the possibilities of finding nuclear phenomena from outer space."

"Ooh, exciting. What a turn-on! Grab some beer, sit down and let's go."

The three scientists sat down, and Jane shyly approached them.

"Er, hi...I overheard you, and I was wondering if I could join too."

Dr. Selvig smiled warmly at her. "Of course you can."

Tony chuckled. "Yeah, this isn't a science frat or whatever." he looked up at her with interest. "I don't think we've met before. You must be Thor's girlfriend."

Jane was about to open her mouth and properly introduce herself when Darcy rushed to her side.

"This is Jane Foster, my best friend who knows everything about stars and galaxies and stuff."

Tony gave Jane a hearty handshake. "Welcome to the club. I admire smart chicks like you."

Loki distanced himself from the rest, feeling weary and gloomy. Even if they were civil with him now, he would never be a part of the Avengers and their friends. He was only an outsider and a criminal to them, a disgrace on what they stand and fight for. It was the hard truth.

Thor finally noticed his adopted brother. He grinned broadly and approached him with open arms. "Brother! What a pleasant surprise! It's so good to see you."

Loki met Thor's eyes. It was his biggest mistake. As if his body belonged to someone else, Loki snatched up a butcher knife from the kitchen counter. He felt no more than a puppet tugged by its strings, made to do some unknown bidding. Undoubtedly something horrible. He charged at Thor, the knife tight in his raised fist.

Yay, nay or okay? Or was that cliffhanger too cruel for you guys?