1 Year Later…

Dear Daddy,

It's been a year daddy. I can't believe so much time has passed. I can't believe a lot of things that has happened. This is the first time I've written to you in a while because I… I couldn't sit down and write a letter to you anymore when I knew you wouldn't be able to read it. It hurt too much to know that you'd never pick this up and read what's on my mind. The reason I'm writing now is because I find it easier to right my feelings out then express them. You know me, I'm just like mommy. We keep everything inside because we don't know how to express it. Mommy found a way to push aside her feelings. She uses James, my baby brother. You're son. The son you only met once. I wish I could be like mommy, but there's nothing I can do to help me with my problems. I try to talk to Uncle Bruce, but I couldn't. I physically couldn't talk to him about you; it was too hard for me. He understood, everyone did, but no one can help me. They try, they try so hard daddy. Right now, I believed that you, mommy, James and I would be at the tower with the others celebrating James' first birthday. But we're not because… you're gone. You died. You died the night of James birthday. I remember that day like it was yesterday and it was the best and worst day of my life…

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"Come on Natasha, one more push and you're son is going to be here." Bruce encouraged from in between her legs.

"I can't do this, I can't do this." Natasha chanted, shaking her head as her body laid limply on the hospital bed. Her hand gripped tightly onto Steve's hand as she panted heavily.

"Yes you can Nat, you did it once before and you can do it again." Steve assured her, using his free hand to wipe the hair off of her forehead. "You're strong and you're a fighter. You can do this."

"Come on mommy," Sarah chirped from her other side, her little hand squeezed tightly in between her mother's sweaty hand. But she didn't mind it because she honestly didn't feel anything. "Daddy and I are right here. Just one more and it'll be over." She encouraged softly as she planted a kiss on her mom's forehead. Her eyes met Natasha and she smiled brightly. "We're doing this together. The three of us."

Steve chuckled, "Technically four." He nodded his head towards Bruce.

Natasha laughed, but it quickly turned into a wince. "Don't make me laugh." She groaned, leaning forward instinctively.

"Brother's almost here mommy. He's almost here. Think of him." Sarah whispered softly, using her other hand to cover Natasha's. "Do this for him."

Natasha didn't need any more encouraging, and she looked over at Steve. "Help me. Please, grab my legs. I-I… cant." With Steve's help, Natasha sat up straighter and her legs were hiked up higher on the stirrups. She nodded at Bruce once she was ready.

"Next contraction, push as hard as you can Nat." Bruce said.

Almost immediately after, a contraction ripped through her body and she screamed loudly as she pushed. Natasha could feel the shoulders squeeze through her birth canal and it's only 10 seconds after she started pushing that she feels them slip free, along with the rest of the body. She slumped back against the bed in relief. When the loud cry is released into the quiet room, she almost begins to cry in relief. "Natasha, you did it. Meet your son." Bruce said as he stood up from where he sat in between her legs. In his arms was a tiny, red, wailing child wrapped in a blue blanket, his fists clenched in fists and eyes screwed shut.

Sarah advanced upon her brother immediately, rushing to Bruce's side so she could see her brother. Her breath caught when she did. "He's beautiful." She whispered, her eyes welling up. Tentatively she reached out to touch the baby's fists and instantly his fists unclenched and clenched again, grabbing one of Sarah's fingers. She began to cry. "He's my brother… I have a brother."

Bruce looked over at Natasha and Steve before looking back at Sarah. "Would you like to hold your brother?"

She gazed up at Bruce hopefully. "Can I?"

"'Course. Take him to meet your parents." Bruce, carefully and delicately, placed the screeching child in Sarah's arms. It took some adjusting before Bruce backed away letting Sarah hold her brother for the first time, on her own. For a minute or two, she just stood there staring at the baby in her arms, still trying to process the fact that he's here. He's alive and in her arms. She had been looking forward to meeting him since her mother had announced her pregnancy. Right now didn't seem real.

"Um, sweetheart. I think your mother wants to meet your brother." Steve says softly from the bed.

Sarah shakes her head to get herself out of her trance and looks over at Steve and Natasha who are looking at the baby expectantly. "Sorry." She blushed walking slowly over her to her parents.

"Nat, he's so beautiful." Steve whispered in amazement as he stared down, in awe, at his son in Natasha's arms. "He has your eyes," he reached out and touched the corner of the baby's eyes, "your nose" he quickly poked his son's nose causing him to blink and scrunch up his face in dissatisfaction.

"And my scream," Natasha interrupts cringing as the baby begins to wail loudly, it's little head turning red and searching insistently for food. "Help me?" She asks shifting forward so Steve can unhook her bra. Easily removing it, Natasha gets the baby to latch on and unlike with Sarah, she doesn't jump when he grabs on roughly and begins sucking vigorously. She smiles down at him and looks up when she sees Sarah shuffle closer. "Wanna tell daddy the name you came up with?"

She smiled proudly, "You helped mama." Natasha shrugged modestly and nodded towards Steve. She waited patiently with a curious glint in his eyes. "Momma and I came up with James Joseph Rogers. After Uncle Bucky and Grandpa Joseph."

Steve's eyes grew somber for a quick second at the mention of his best friend and father, but he cleared it up and smiled lovingly down at his daughter. "Come here sweetheart." Sarah skipped up to Steve and scrabbled into his lab. Steve hugs her tightly to his side, "It's beautiful, I love it. So would Bucky and my dad."

Natasha looked down at James. "James meet your daddy." She coos softly at him before passing him over and taking Sarah into her arms. Sarah gives her mother a huge kiss before settling into her side and admiring the sight of Steve holding his son for the first time.

But sadly his last…

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You died that night daddy. You carried James for an hour, but you suddenly got dizzy and you're pupils dilated. You gave me James and went to lie down. Mommy and I didn't think of it because it had been a long and tiring day. I sat down next to you so you could still see James. You gave us a weak smile. Another hour passed before you began to doze off. I gave you a kiss and held James up so you could give him a kiss. You said you loved us before you fell asleep. I was tired too so I gave James to Uncle Bruce when he came in the room and snuggled into your side waiting for sleep to take me. Momma had already passed out.

Only when I woke up hours later, I woke up to momma screaming and I was in Uncle Clint's arms. You were still and not breathing, your skin pale. Uncle Bruce and Tony were trying to get you to breathe. I was too disoriented to do anything, except watch. I didn't know what was happening at first. It wasn't until the sound of your heart monitor finally broke through my hazy mind that everything began to fit together.

It was the longest three, agonizing hours of my life. I couldn't do anything, but sit in Uncle Clint's arms as he comforted me. Only the funny thing was… I wasn't crying. I just sat there and watched, numbly, as mommy cried in aunt Pepper's shirt and Tony and Bruce worked furiously to get you to breathe and wake up. Everything was in a slow motion to me and all the sound had vanished leaving the room silent, even though I know there are sounds. The only sound I register is your heart monitor as it continues to flat line and… a baby crying. James' crying. I turn my head around to look at momma's bed where James lays in the incubator beside the bed crying softly. So softly that no one notices that he's even awake. But I did and I quickly jumped out of Uncle Clint's arms, startling him. He gives a start, about to grab me back, but when I quickly move out of the way and head towards James. Before anyone could tell me otherwise, I grab him from the incubator and begin to rock him as I walk to the corner, my back turned to everything behind me. I couldn't think right. I couldnt even breath properly. I'm was in a mental state of consciousness and unconsciousness where I am aware of going on, but I can't seem to comprehend anything that's happening. James, at the moment, was the only thing bringing sanity and keeping me grounded. I held him closer to my chest, being careful not to smoother him, and place my head lightly on his stomach. The rest was history.

It took Bruce and Uncle Tony another 20 minutes before they realized that they lost you. Your brain went without oxygen for about an hour, there was no way to bring you back without you having a brain damage. When they apologized to momma and I, I couldn't believe it. I didn't believe it. I denied it. I tried to anyway. I passed James off to Uncle Thor and ran to you. In a state of denial, I slapped you and shook you. I hadn't realized I had begun crying until Uncle Tony grabbed me and wiped my tears gently. I had also begun yelling, but I hadn't even noticed. I just cried. I cried for you. I cried for mommy. I cried for James. But mainly I cried for me. You were dead.

You were dead.

I wouldn't stop screaming or crying so Uncle Bruce had to result to sedating me. I woke up days later in a different hospital room, not yours. I was so confused when I woke up, but luckily Aunt Pepper and Uncel Tony were there to explain everything that had happened while I was asleep.

First, you were dead.

Second, momma became hysterical and Uncle Tony had to sedate her as well.

Third, Pepper and Tony had taken James into their care while the sedative wore off on momma and I.

Fourth, Uncle Bruce and Tony had called SHIELD and Uncle Fury had agents sent your body to the morgue.

Fifth, many different SHIELD agents came to visit me while I was asleep; including Aunt Maria and Uncle Coulson. They're visits were more often and longer then the other agents.

Sixth, Thor went back to Asgard to arrange a funeral in your honor.

Aunt Pepper held me as I cried because the true realization that you were gone had suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldn't breathe. She convinced Uncle Tony not to sedate me again and let me grieve, but I would had preferred it if I was sedated. At least while I was unconscious I wouldn't have had to feel the pain of losing you. I wouldn't be able to cry. I'd be able to feel numb and stay that way. But aunt Pepper wouldn't let me. After Uncle Bruce announced visiting hours over, Aunt Pepper and Uncle Tony left after promising to visit me tomorrow. I was too lost in my own mind to ask if mommy would visit me soon. I didn't want to see her. I felt guilty immediately after thinking that, but I couldn't see her. I had to be strong for her and I couldn't be strong at the moment. That night, I laid in bed and cried. I didn't sleep at all and when Aunt Pepper and Uncle Tony came back down, as promised, I didn't even acknowledged them. They had even brought Uncle Clint. I stared straight ahead, didn't speak, didn't eat or move. I just stared. I heard everything they said, but I couldn't find the energy to reply or do anything. Uncle Bruce declared me catatonic after three days of not speaking. I was beginning to wonder if my family was giving up on me when they didn't come to see me the next day. I spent that day alone, again not speaking or eating. Uncle Bruce was pumping nutrients into me, and all I found myself doing each day was taking little naps in-between hours and then laying awake all night. I was finally about to crack one day when the door opened and I reverted back into myself.

It was mom.

It had been two weeks since your death and mom walked into the room, groomed, showered and healthy. Unlike me. I haven't showered since the day you died. I still have blood caked into my nails from James' birth, but I couldn't care less to keep up my hygiene. My hair is greasy and notted and I'm pretty sure I have bags under my eyes and my skin is pale. But still mommy didn't cringe when she saw me. Her eyes softened and she just walked up to me and pulled me into her arms. I was confident that I smelled terrible too, but if she was bothered by the smell, she didn't say anything. She just held me. When I was engulfed by her familiar smell and warmth I broke. I tried to hold it in, but I couldn't.

I broke down and sob as momma held me. She didn't judge me, she only comforted and spoke in a quiet whisper. "Oh my baby… I know, I know."

"He's gone momma. Daddy's gone." I had said as I sobbed into her chest.

Tears sprung into her eyes and she nodded as a tear ran down her cheek. "I know baby. I'm so sorry." She kissed my hair and we both cried together.

It felt good to be with momma again. After she visited me that night and after some convincing, Uncle Bruce said she could stay the night with me. That was the first night, in over two weeks, that I finally slept all night. When I woke up, I felt refreshed and so much better. When everyone came to visit me, even Uncle Thor, I actually spoke. My voice was hoarse from not speaking for days, but it quickly warmed up. My body was stiff and momma and Aunt Pepper had to help me bathe the grime from body. It took an hour for mommy to pull all the knots from my hair and another to just brush through it. But after my little makeover, physically I looked better and mentally I felt a little better too. Uncle Clint and Bruce convinced me to eat something, but my stomach had shrunk down to the size of a peanut from days of not eating and I could only handle a few spoonfuls of soup, but they didn't push me because they were glad that I was actually eating. They took what they could get and I delivered all I could give. Uncle Bruce released me from the hospital and mommy wheel chaired me back to my room (My legs were still weak from two weeks of no walking). It was the first time I had been back on our floor in over a month. I had spent all my time downstairs with you when you woke up that now my room seemed foreign. Mommy laid me down and sat down next to me. For the next couple of hours we just talked. We also cried and laughed. She told me stories about you and I told her stories that happened between us. Somewhere in between, aunt Pepper had brought James into my room and handed him over to mommy. She left us alone afterwards and we weren't bothered by anyone.

It took a while before mommy and I were okay daddy. Your death was really hard on us. We spent nights, not sleeping, but just crying. I would wake up from nightmares in the middle of the night and crawl into mommy's bed. She would be awake breastfeeding James and afterwards, hold me until I fell asleep. Sometimes I cry myself sick. It took months before we could go a day without crying. It took months before our bad days slowly started to become fewer and fewer. On mommy's bad days, she would stay locked in her room and just lay in bed. When James would cry, she would attend to him, but that was it. She wouldn't attend to herself. On those days, I would go and stay in the room with her. I would hold her and kiss her and feed her the food I brought in so she could eat. But mainly I would talk. Mommy said my talking distracted her from her dark thoughts and so I talked and talked and talked about everything. About you, school (which I had gotten my grades back up), dance lessons (I take fewer lessons then before), and about James. Mommy didn't talk on those days, she didn't smile and she didn't move. Sometimes, when she naps, she'll begin to thrash around and scream. By that time, I would take James out of the room and play in the living room with him after calling Uncle Clint and Uncle Bruce. They would take care of you because I knew that you wouldn't want James or I near you when you began to act like that.

My bad days are similar to yours except I would leave my room. Only my mood swings acted up and I lashed out on anyone that would speak to me. Mommy had more bad days then I do, but now we only have them once every two months. Mommy and I became each other's rocks. Everyone else were our shoulders to cry on, but we mainly depended on each other when we're sad.

There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of you daddy. Sometimes I'll sit at my desk and pick up a pencil so I could write you a letter, like I did when you were asleep, but then I would put it down and walk away. I couldn't do it. The pain was still too fresh. Mommy always talks about you. We haven't forgotten you. James had said his first word a week ago and guess what it was?

Dada.

His first word was dada. Mommy and I got so excited, but then it hit us that you weren't there to experience it with us. And we both began to cry. James so confused and oblivious, but he just crawled right up to us and climbed into my lap. He held onto me and grabbed mommy's hand as we cried. It was bittersweet moment, tainted by the fact that you weren't there. You would've been ecstatic to know that James' first word was 'Dada.' Even though, James doesn't remember you, he knows you daddy. Maybe it's because we talk about you all the time, but he knows you. I was holding a pick of you one day and James came into my room. I picked him up to put him on my bed and he pointed at the picture I was carrying. "Dada" he said immediately afterwards. You would be proud. Also James kept your features. He has your blonde hair, laugh and smile. He has momma's green eyes. His personality is a combination of yours and mommy. He is a very easy and sweet baby. He loves to give kisses and hugs and is a perfect angel. But he can also be fiery and has a bad temper when he's cranky. He gets that from mommy.

He's such a beautiful baby and he has a great personality. A perfect mixture of you and mommy.

Like I said before, today James turned one. We aren't celebrating his birthday today or in midguard. Today has too many memories and midguard, as Thor likes to call it, will just remind us that you aren't here to celebrate James first birthday with us. We're traveling to Asgard in a few days and celebrating out there. It'll be good for us and James would love it. Also, Grandma Frigga and Grandpa Odin have been dying to meet James.

The media has left us alone. At least for now. The big news of your death has traveled throughout America and we've been given our privacy. The media had found out about James, but hasn't pried into our lives. For that we're all grateful, but it'll be soon when they'll be demanding answers. Right now, we're happy we're just left alone. We're happy that everything seems to finally be alright. After months of crying and sadness, things finally seem to be looking up for us.

This will be the last letter I write to you daddy. Of course, I will come to see you every chance I get, but this will be the last letter you get. Everyone and mommy helped me put together this letter so this is from all of us. Our last present to you. Everyone wants you to know that we love you and that we hope you're waiting for us when it's our time to go. I won't be seeing for you a while daddy and neither will James because right now, our lives are here. I have things that I wish to accomplish and James needs to live his life. I promise to take care of him and mommy. They're my main priority and will always be. Also, I promise to be good and respect to my aunts and uncles like you taught me. This is my last gift to you. To follow the way you've raised me and keep your legacy living. I will tell James all about you when he's old enough and I promise to share at least one story a day about you. I won't run out of stories, but I will run out of days. There are simply too many to tell. James will know about you, I swear to it. It'll be like he actually knew you before you passed.

I love you so much daddy. You're my everything. I can't wait to see you again. Please wait for me… when it's my time to fall asleep and join you. You're the best daddy in the entire world. I will never forget you. I hope you never forget me.

I love you.

I miss you.

Goodbye.

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With Love, Sarah