Emma was confused. It had all happened so fast. Now that Lucas was gone it felt odd, looking back on what had happened. It felt like she had been watching from somewhere above, wondering what that silly girl was doing, liking a boy barely knew. So what had happened?
They had kissed, she remembered that. But it felt...wrong somehow. Not like...not like before. She had felt a need, but it wasn't like before. Tancred (it was almost a physical pain to think the name) had wanted her, had held her protectively. In his arms, she felt safe; she never had to be afraid. But she was very afraid. There was something unpleasant about the way Lucas' hand crushed her body to his, how his lips forced her mouth open, how his breath turned into gasps and his hand slid down her back.
He had stopped suddenly, unexpectedly. And he didn't hold her, or look at her. He just got up, and walked out. She sat, the need rapidly lessening, till it was no more than a dull ache in the back of her mind. What was going on?
She knew what it felt like to be hypnotized, and this wasn't like that. There was no overwhelming blackness, no blackened periods of time, and no feeling of being lost. She was still Emma Tolly, but not the same she remembered or the same she wanted to be.
She sat back against the wall, her eyes closed, as she wondered what this meant. More than anything she wanted the comfort of Tancred, to feel safe, secure. To know, he was the one thing that would never change, and she could always count on the fact that he would want her. But that was gone now.
~~~***_***~~~
Tancred leaned against the cold stone of the corridor wall. He ran his hand through his static hair, feeling the familiar electricity run along his fingertips. Maloree had gone to "study"; so let her, he hated her anyway. She was only a shadow, a horrible mockery of the beauty he had once had. But he had to ruin that. Or did he, really? Could he really have held her? He saw her now, in perfect clarity, her blue eyes, like the sea, gazing at him and her blonde hair flowing gracefully over her shoulder. He had stroked it absently, and she had smiled....her smile, he could remember that also. So warm, welcome, never flinching. Acceptance. Love. It was only a matter of time before someone else saw that as well, and what could he compare? He was so prone to outbursts, loss of temper, and sudden flares of anger...she was better off.
But could he ever get over it? Could he move on? No. Never. He would always be stuck, in this horrible whirlpool of guilt and self-loathing. He groaned and slid to the ground, covering his face with his hands.
"Tancred?"
Oh, great, now he was officially insane. He didn't look up. Encouraging the hallucination of Emma actually caring for him was only going to make it more painful when it vanished. He'd just listen...her voice was enough.
"...are you okay?" she was anxious, he smiled to himself. His hallucination matched her voice perfectly, even capturing the softer aspect of it when she was uncomfortable. This was definitely worth it. "I'm sorry..." she sad, her voice hushed. No, that was wrong! She shouldn't be sad. He didn't want her unhappy. Not her. If everything in the world was wrong, she had to be right! "...I miss you." Impossible. He silently willed the hallucination to continue. "I didn't want to hurt you. I don't want to...so coming here, talking to you, isn't the best plan probably. Your girlfriend will be upset..." Tancred frowned, this hallucination was getting depressing, "...but I wanted to come." That was too much, he looked up. She was there. She was breathtaking. Her hair was pulled over her right shoulder, and there was a blush in her cheeks, her eyes were filled with sympathy. Now he was sure, he was insane. No one could be that beautiful; she was a goddess, and even that seemed a coarse way to describe it. His mouth went dry, and his head whirled. Wind ripped through the hallway, pulling her hair off her shoulder, her clothes stuck to her body as the wind pelted her. He breathed in and out for a few moments, trying to calm himself. The wind relaxed, but there was still a slight breeze.
"I guess I deserve that," the hallucination said wretchedly, staring down at the ground. Tears filled the beautiful girl's eyes. Don't cry, was all he could think.
"No," Tancred found himself saying, without deciding to speak, "It wasn't your fault. I should have known, I always knew...." he broke off. Knew you wouldn't want me for long. Knew I would hurt you. Knew I could never deserve you. She looked up, the tears spilling out of her eyes, coursing down her cheeks.
"I did too, I had just hoped..." she struggled to keep her voice from shaking. Even with her efforts it broke twice before she gave up.
Hoped I would change? Impossible. She was just so good, almost hauntingly so. He hated himself for ever making her feel this obligation.
"Listen, you don't have to say anything, I know. And it's fine..." she said saying each word slowly with frequent pauses. It sounded anything but fine. It hurt to listen.
"Emma," he finally gave a name to the hallucination, "don't be sad. Please. I want you to happy."
~~~***_***~~~