Chapter Ten:

Crying is so exhausting.

That was one of many things I had learnt in the short time I had met James again.

Like a zombie, I paid my fare then crawled pitifully into my apartment to weep away the sorrows. It was irrational Lily again, but I didn't want to keep track anymore. The slightest of movements were tiring.

My bed beckoned to me and I gratefully flung myself onto it, the tears already seeping out from under my eyelids. I hadn't bothered turning on the lights or drawing my curtains, so a sliver of moonlight collapsed across my bed. I snuggled into the covers, feeling the hammering of my dying heart and the tightening in my stomach. I didn't feel alive. Being alive shouldn't be so painful.

In a trance, I slept away the night, a dreamless slumber overtaking my suffering mentality.

The morning had to come sometime, and I woke with a gasp, feeling desperately around for my alarm clock.

I was going to be late.

Gathering up my sadness and heaving it out of my mind for now, I scrambled for suitable attire and spent five minutes attempting to hide the swollen redness of my eyes with make up. It seemed to work.

I had three minutes to spare when I flew into the Ministry, my hair swinging wildly behind. People stared at me and some rude girl giggled. I straightened and composed myself, willing rational Lily to enter me once more. I was at work now. This was my domain. I could do it.

Curtly, I nodded to those I knew, fearing to speak should a waver betray my insecurity. The walk to my office was one of the longest I had ever taken. True, this was the first time in my whole career that I was looking like this and nearly late. I suppose people had suspicions, but I chose to ignore them.

I had had enough of suspicions and accusations to last me a lifetime.

At this, James' outraged words last night drifted back to me. I impatiently turned my back to it. Thinking about it more was bound to make me cry and ruin the carefully concealed eyes I had made up in the morning.

I was doing pretty well, until my secretary timidly knocked on my door, her frizzy brown hair sticking out from behind my door.

"Miss Evans? Some friends of yours for you…"

Friends?

My mind had barely enough time to comprehend her words before Evelyn threw open the door and stalked inside, a peaceful-looking Jenny gliding in after her. My poor secretary quickly scuttled out again at the sight of the two beautiful women. I couldn't blame her for feeling out-matched.

"Lily! Are you all right? Why did you go so quickly yesterday? I kept calling but no one answered. We were worried sick!"

Evelyn plonked herself onto a couch, stockinged feet dangling elegantly on the threadbare carpet. Jenny perched warily on the edge of my desk, her bright blue eyes burning a hole in my head.

I faked a laugh.

"Oh, I was just… a little overcome with emotion…"

"You're lying" whispered Jenny. "It's not hard to tell when you are."

Evelyn jumped up and walked over to sit on my desk as well.

"Did something happen between you and James?"

At the mention of his name, I hurriedly arranged some papers that didn't really need arranging. "Oh no, we're fine."

"Aha!" Evelyn pointed an accusing finger two inches away from my face. "I knew it! Something serious must have happened! I mean, you scrambled out so fast and looked so upset! Then James came with a face like thunder, muttered some lame excuse and left too! Tell me, what went wrong with you two?"

Jenny placed a hand on Evelyn's shoulder. "Evie, stop bombarding Lily. Can't you see she's on the verge of tears? Be more considerate, please!"

Evelyn had stopped her torrent of ramblings, but was chewing thoughtfully on a stray piece of her hair. "Lily, what actually happened all those years ago? It's all occurred so fast these couple of days… meeting you again, drinks, the Order. We never got around to asking you that question."

I avoided her gaze. The silence was suffocating me.

"Lily?" Jenny gazed even deeper into my forehead.

"I can't tell you."

Jenny sighed. "See, Evie, that's what I said she'd say. But you wouldn't listen to me and insisted on tromping down here yourself. Look at the state she's in! Why are we still doing this to her? I'm sure Lily has her reasons."

Another tear dribbled off my chin. I hastily wiped it away, forgetting about the thick layer of concealer I had applied earlier.

"Shit!" I reached for my bag and rummaged through.

This day just couldn't get any worse and it hadn't even started.

By now, I was crying hysterically again under the pretense of searching through my bag. Maybe they hadn't noticed?

Evelyn tenderly took one arm and Jenny took the other.

They noticed.

"Come on Lily, let's get you cleaned up."

And with that, they dragged a sobbing me out of my office.

If the looks I had received this morning were strange, then these looks were just foreign. I never cried… ever. Overlooking the stares and whispers, my wonderful and absolutely angelic friends flanked me on both sides and frog-marched me out of the Ministry.

Absently, I considered what would happen to my job. Then, I decided, screw it! I needed to live a little. I shouldn't be rotting away in a tiny office, slaving away for what made me incredibly unhappy.

They led me to the same café Sirius had taken me to the day he "attacked" me. I crumbled into a chair and waited for the sobs to subside.

I really was crying too much lately.

We sat in silence, comfortable in the fact that we'd found each other again.

Then, Jenny reached across and took my hand.

"Lily, it's okay. You don't have to tell us if you don't want to."

I nodded miserably, certain I couldn't look like a bigger idiot.

Our coffees arrived and we sipped them slowly. There was no gossip, no chatter. We weren't awkward with one another, but they understood I needed some peace and quiet.

I needed to be left alone.

After an age, after my sadness had gone back to sleep and my friends had made sure I was all right, we parted with endless hugs and promises of phone-calls.

I found that I had no desire to return to the disgusting place I called my office, and instead wandered around until I reached a local park. There was an ice cream van there.

Running purely on spontaneity (maybe Evelyn was rubbing off on me) I marched over and ordered a banana caramel frost cup. The man smiled at me, and I smiled bravely back.

Later, I took my frost cup and meandered to a bench, sinking down on it and admiring the leaves fluttering in piles, treating myself to a calm atmosphere.

I thought about all the sadness and pain and heartbreak I had endured. I thought of James' angry face when he confronted me. I thought of how much more ache this would bring me.

Slowly, I finished my frost cup. It tasted better than anything I had eaten in a long time.

I realized the only way to put me out of my misery was to face it and conquer it.

James and I may never be able to return to the happiness we once shared, but we could try to move on and maybe (just maybe) try to be friends.

And at that moment I made up my mind to make James forgive me.

AN: Wow! I cannot believe how fast I updated! But an idea's an idea and I just had to write it down. Anybody wonder how Lily's going to make James forgive her? It'll be interesting, anyway. Review and I'll update again! Hint, hint.