Chapter Ten

Ten Years Ago

Cap and gowns littered the living room. Some hung haphazardly over the back of the couch, from the lamps. There was even a hunter green gown swinging from the ceiling fan, somehow keeping time with the thumping bass of the radio blasting hip hop music.

Bodies writhed in the middle of the room, the lights turned down low, a strobe light flashing bright white light over the wriggling bodies.

Pushing past a group of people huddling in the doorway clutching red solo cups in their fists, I peeked into the miniature bathroom tucked under the staircase.

Finding it empty, I slammed the door and continued my journey toward the kitchen at the back of the house. Pausing in the hallway, I grabbed a guy leaning against the wall.

"Hey, have you seen Jake?"

Mike Newton opened his eyes lazily and slowly shook his head from left to right. "Not for a while Bella," he slurred, raising his cup to his mouth and taking a long swallow.

"Okay," I sighed in frustration. "If you see him, tell him I'm looking for him."

Mike tipped his cup at me and nodded. "Will do."

Pushing my hair out of my face, I continued on my way to the kitchen. Scanning the people packed into the small area, I searched for Jake's face.

Where the hell did he disappear to? I thought as I came up empty.

Strike number two.

Rounding the room, I reentered the living room. The fast paced hip hop song had been replaced by something a little smoother but just as rhythmic.

Jesus Christ, where the hell could he be?

I was tired and my curfew was quickly approaching. I needed to get home before my father lost his shit, especially if I missed curfew again.

Pushing the front door open, I stood on the porch scanning the yard for Jake.

Strike number three.

Glancing down at my watch, I cursed under my breath and turned back into the house. Spotting Alice across the room, I shoved my way through the crowd.

"Hey," I called over the music, grabbing her arm gently.

Alice turned to me, her eyes glassy. "Bella!"

I groaned inwardly. She was three sheets to the wind and rapidly approaching tornado status.

"What's up?" she slurred.

"Nothing. Have you seen Jake?"

"Not for a while. Why? Can't you find him?"

I shook my head no, peeking at my watch again. I had five minutes to get across town and no way to get there. I'd have to call my dad to come get me. "I gotta go. I'm supposed to be home in five minutes and Jake is nowhere to be found. I'll see you later."

I went in search of a phone and found one in the kitchen. Picking up the corded phone, I tucked myself into a corner and dialed my number. My dad answered on the third ring with a concerned hello.

"Dad, it's me."

"What's wrong honey?" he said, panic lacing his voice.

"It's nothing bad Dad. Well, not exactly. I know I'm supposed to be home in a few minutes, but I can't find Jake and I don't have a way home."

"Where are you?"

I rattled off the address, anxiously winding the cord around my finger.

"Okay, I'll be there in a few minutes. Wait outside for me."

We said goodbye and I made my way through the crowd again. As I stepped onto the porch a voice behind me called my name over the music. Turning, Jake was shouldering his way through the throng of people.

"Where were you?" I snapped. "I have to be home in like thirty seconds, and you weren't around."

"Sorry," he mutters. "I lost track of time."

"Whatever," I retort. "My dad's on his way to pick me up."

Crossing my arms across my chest, I turned toward the street to watch for my dad's car.

"Jesus Christ, why do you have to be such a bitch?"

My head snapped in his direction, my chest full of fire. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me," he grunted.

"I was hoping I was hearing things," I challenged.

"You weren't. You can be such a bitch sometimes. I was outback with some of the guys and you're acting all pissed off because I wasn't there at your beck and call. Get off my ass. Can't I have one night without you getting all pissed off because I'm not glued to your side?"

I stepped back as if he'd slapped me, my mouth ajar as I stared at him in disbelief. "Are you serious right now? I wasn't up your ass. I have to be home. I have a fucking curfew. I'm not trying to start my summer grounded because you're off doing whatever the hell you want to do."

"You know what?" he demanded throwing his arms into the air. "I'm done."

"You're done with what?" I snapped.

"This," he thundered shoving his hands towards me. "You."

I uncrossed my arms and put my hands on my hips. "You're done with me?"

"Yes, I'm sick of this shit. It's always something with you, Bella."

"Yeah okay," I said going on the defensive, trying to hide the sound of my heart breaking in my chest. "It's me. I'm the problem. Blame me, Jake. It's easier that way isn't it?"

Jake rolled his eyes, turning away from me. "Whatever Bella. I'm done. It's over."

Headlights rolled down the street, slowing in front of the house, the engine purring smoothly from the street.

"You know what, Jake? Fuck you, okay. I'm done too. Have a nice fucking life."

Without waiting for him to respond, I fled down the stairs, fighting back the tears that were filling my eyes. Wrenching open the car door, I slid inside and slammed the door shut. "Go dad, now."

Without asking what happened, my father pulled into the driveway across the street, put the car in reverse and headed down the street.

I didn't look back. I couldn't bear it if he walked away, if wasn't chasing the car begging me to forgive him.

"Want to talk about it?" Dad asked as I sobbed quietly in the passenger seat.

"Not really," I whispered.

"Are you sure?"

"Not really," I reiterated.

"Answer one question for me at least?"

"What?" I questioned softly.

"Are you okay?"

I shook my head no as tears streamed down my face. "I don't think so."

Dad frowned, deep lines scoring his face. "Do I need to kick that boy's ass?"

I hiccupped and sobbed. "It won't do any good. It's over for real this time."

Dad squeezed my knee reassuringly. "You don't know that."

"Yeah, Dad," I said shaking my head. "I do. It's done. It's over. Whatever. Can we please not talk about this anymore?"

"Sure, honey, sure."

We rode the rest of the way home in silence; dad tapping his fingers awkwardly on the steering wheel, me sobbing quietly into the window.

When we got home, I silently followed Dad into the house, then slipped down the hall to my room. Pausing at the door, my hand on the knob I turned to him.

"Hey, Dad?"

"Yeah, honey?"

"Thanks," I whispered. "And I'm sorry."

"Bella, what've I always told you? I'm always here for you sweetheart. No matter how old you are. I drilled it into your head that if you were ever in a situation like this that you could call me."

"I know dad."

"I hope so. I'm sorry that your night had to end this way."

I shrugged, glancing down at the floor. "It's okay. I'm gonna go to bed now, it's been a big day and I'm tired."

Dad appeared torn, as if he couldn't decide if I needed consoling or privacy. He settled for a nod and said good night, slipping into his room, shutting the door behind him with a quiet click.

I entered my room and glanced around. I expected to feel different but I didn't. Graduation earlier today made me emotional, the realization settling in that high school was finally over, my childhood was almost over. Adulthood was barreling down on me. In a three months I'd be eighteen and heading to college.

Now I was doing it all alone and single.

Crossing the room, I ripped the pictures of me and Jake off the wall, throwing them on the floor. Picking up the flowers he'd given me before the graduation ceremony, I hurled the vase of across the room.

The glass hit the wall, shattering and raining down on the carpet. Sliding down the wall, I gripped my head, sobbing hysterically.

We'd been so good for two years and in the span of five minutes, our relationship fell apart. What the hell happened? What did I do? Why did he say those things?

The pain was blinding, unlike anything I've ever felt before. It pulsed in my chest, raw and aching. Bleeding invisibly, as if a butcher knife had been rammed through my rib cage and was being hammered in deeper, trying to pierce my soul. My breath came in staggered gasps, wheezing loudly in my ears.

My vision swam, the room dipping and spinning around me. Laying my head on my knees, I closed my eyes, tears dripping onto my jeans from beneath my lashes.

Sleep stole over me, whisking me to a place where the darkness was thicker, the pain a little duller. I dreamed of Jake in flashes, vignettes of the last three years together.

I awoke on the floor the next morning, my body curled in on itself. A knocking at the door thumping in my ears, reverberating in my skull.

Pushing onto my elbows, I sat up rubbing my temples. "Yeah?" I croaked.

The door squeaked open on rusty hinges like nails on a chalkboard, sending shivers throughout my body. A dark head peered around the edge, brown eyes like a melted chocolate bar filled with sympathy frowned down at me.

"Hey," Alice said softly shutting the door behind her and tentatively sitting down beside me. "You okay?"

Fresh tears stung my dry eyes. I bit my lip and shrugged as the tears slid down my face. "Not really. How did you hear?"

Alice grimaced her expression a perfect blend of anger and disgust. "I figured something happened when Jake came in alone, grabbed some red head and took her upstairs."

Sickness unfurled in my stomach, my breath catching in my throat as bile filled my mouth. Stumbling to my feet, I lurched toward the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before I threw up.

After I emptied the contents and acid stung my throat, I rinsed my mouth mechanically and went back to my room.

"Better?" Alice asked.

"Worse," I replied.

"I'm sorry," she murmured. "I didn't know if I should tell you."

"S'okay," I mumbled. "Not your fault."

"I know, but that shit has to hurt like hell."

Numbness tingled in my toes and crept up my legs, through my torso, flaming through my arms, my heart, and finally my head. "I don't feel anything," I said robotically. "I'm empty."

I leaned my head against the wall, my eyes closed. Alice sat beside me, not saying a word. I don't know how long she stayed. When I finally opened my eyes again, shadows danced across the walls and she was gone.

Clawing my way to the bed, I pulled myself up and under the covers, wrapping them around me tightly. Dad knocked at some point, asking if I wanted something to eat. I ignored him until he went away and closed my eyes.

I stayed in bed, the covers wrapped tightly around me. Alice would stop by sometimes, sitting at the end of my bed, filling me on the goings on in our circle of friends.

I zoned her out, staring catatonically at the wall until she would gather her things and leave quietly.

Dad tried. He would come into my room three times a day with food, setting a plate on my desk. At the next meal, he would whisk the uneaten food away, replacing it with a new dish.

I didn't care anymore. The world outside of my bed didn't exist. Nothing mattered except the numbness that was starting to feel less like an alien sensation and more like an old, comfortable, friend.

A few days passed.

Then a few more.

Then Dad had enough. He came into my room and instead of putting another plate of food that would go to waste on the desk, he stood at the foot of my bed, arms folded across his chest, his expression equal parts concerned and pissed.

"Bella," he said.

I ignored him, hoping he would leave me alone and go away.

"Bella," he said again, louder.

I closed my eyes.

"That's it," he thundered. "I'm done."

Reaching for the comforter, he ripped it away, sending me tumbling to the floor.

"Get up," he ordered. "You haven't showered or eaten in over a week."

I stared up at him in shock. The cool numbness started slipping away as warmth washed down my scalp, bringing emotions along for the party.

"Get up," he demanded. "Right now or so help me god, I will dump you in the shower fully clothed."

Mechanically, I rose from the floor, my limbs stiff and aching. Dad reached for me, guiding me across the hall to the bathroom.

I shut the door behind me, and automatically turned the water on, adjusting the temperature. As the water warmed, I undressed and stepped into the frigid stream, shivering.

Standing under the spray with my arms wrapped around my waist, I turned my face upwards and into the warming water.

Sweat and tears washed away, sliding down my body and circling the drain, disappearing. I washed my hair, scrubbing the hairspray and buildup away. As the last week washed away from my body, I fought the urge to think about Jake.

Finishing, I hurried across the hall to my room and struggled into a pair of sweatpants and a tank top. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I ran my fingers through my tangled curls.

Dad knocked and said, "Bella, are you dressed?"

"Yes," I croaked, my voice hoarse.

The door opened and dad peeked around the edge. "Come eat."

"I'm not hungry," I murmured.

"I said come eat. It's not up for discussion. You either eat or I'm taking you to the hospital and they shove a feeding tube down your throat. Take it or leave it."

Sighing, I followed him to the kitchen and sat at the table where he set a bowl of chicken noodle soup in front of me.

"Eat," he ordered.

Lifting the spoon handle, I stirred the soup, staring down as the noodles swirled in the bowl. Steam rose from the bowl, carrying the scent of chicken and childhood. My mouth watered and I wasn't sure if it was from hunger or nausea.

My stomach rolled, groaning loudly. Lifting the spoon from the bowl, I sipped the broth carefully, swallowing tenderly, moaning as the liquid hit my empty belly.

Taking another sip, warmth spread through me. Dad leaned against the counter, watching as I swallowed spoonful after spoonful. When I emptied the bowl, he refilled it and motioned for me to keep eating.

"You had me really worried," he said softly, his back to me.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"I am too. I'm in over my head. I wish more than anything that you're mom was still here. She would know how to handle this a million times better than me."

"I wish she was here too."

"Want to tell me what happened?" he asked, turning slowly.

I shrugged as I stared at the bowl of soup. "Not really."

"How about you humor me and do it anyway," he suggested in a tone that meant I didn't really have a choice.

"Jake and I broke up," I told him, watching noodles float in the slightly yellow liquid.

"That much I gathered. What happened?"

"I don't know," I shrugged. "We went to a graduation party and I knew my curfew was coming, so I went to find him so he could drive me home. I asked a couple of people if they'd seen him. Nobody did, so I called you. When I was on the porch he came out and just went off. He told me we were done. End of story."

Dad sighed, crossing his arms. "Little asshole," he muttered. "I knew he'd break your heart."

"I'm fine, Dad."

"No, you're not," he shot back.

"I am," I insisted. "Or I will be. Whatever. We broke up, it happens."

"Listen," he sighed. Crossing the kitchen, he pulled out the chair next me and sat. "Boys are dumb. I can't imagine what would cause this, but things in your life are getting ready to change. You're getting ready to go to college and everything you thought you knew is going to be replaced by the cold reality of truth here shortly. I want to say that maybe this is for the best, but I know you're hurting so it can't be. I can tell you, though, that maybe, this is just a door opening to something better."

"I don't want something better, Dad. I just want him." I drop the spoon and wrap my arms around my waist. "I'm always going to want just him. He's it for me. Always has been, always will be." I shrugged. "I love him."

"I know you do, honey," he said, his tone betraying his words.

He didn't get it, I thought. What Jake and I had wasn't puppy love or lust. It was this feeling of completeness and rightness. It was a smoldering desire to just occupy the same space as him. The fire raged bright and hot in the beginning, burning rapidly down to the embers that remained well after the flames died. It was a salve to my soul, something that healed all my hurts and fears. It transcended love.

"I just want you to keep in mind that there are other people out there who can take what you felt for Jake and make it ten times better. I thought the same about the girl I dated before I met your mom. When I fell in love with her, the world was brighter, the love I thought I was in before dulled and your mom, Jesus Bella, she set my world on fire. She was it for me. I never want to feel that for someone else because I know I can't. It's just not possible."

"I get it, dad," I told him even though I didn't.

We sat side by side each of us lost in our thoughts and knowing the other was lying but neither of us having the strength to call the other on it.