Am I making a bad decision ? Is it gonna be worth it in the end ? Or will it create more chaos ?
I guess the only way to know is to try , even if it might sound as a very bad idea .
Monika still holding my hand , we make our way to my room , but from the corner of my eyes , I can see the doubt and the confusion in her green eyes , and the expression written all over her face . This will probably take some time for her to cope with all the informations she's about to absord , and there's no way to tell how she will react afterwards , which worries me a lot . How is she gonna be feeling ? Always stuck with asking more and more questions , with very few answers ? Well , that's just the way I am .
I tiredly walk and push the door of my room , and it is , it almost shine in front of me , like some sort of miracle , waiting for me to give in to the temptation . A gift sent from heaven itself . I almost shed tears of joy at the sight of the wonderfull object which leaves Monika staring at me with a mix of confusion , and realization as to why I am acting so awkward . I decide to be weak enough and let myself plop on the sweet bed who just feels like a mountain of feathers , the simple weight of my body disappearing and it is almost as I am floating on the most soft thing ever created since the dawn of time . Monika letting go of my hand before I do that , so she won't be falling on me as well, it could be leading to a really ... awkward , but not displeasing situation . I open my eyes and take a look at her . I can see the tiny shade of pink on her cheeks , giving me an idea as to what probably went through her mind if she decided to keep her hand locked in mind . I let out a little smile of my own , looking at her teasingly,and she immediately widen her eyes and and her cheeks keep flushing to a more darker shade of pink , almost red , is if she got the not so hidden message I was sending to her . And it seems that she wasn't that displeased at that , which makes me muffle a little laugh , and an even bigger smile. So far , the situation is quite pleasing , but it wasn't about to stay that way for long unfortunately , and I was slowly going back to my normal blank and tired face , which kinda caught her off-guard , But she quickly got the memo . If I had managed to make her come into my room , it wasn't for some adult matter , well , not the kind a school girl would expect with a young men . It was way darker than what she could imagine and due to how much she cried already , her eyes might very well be completly red really soon . I can't help but think as to how I am gonna do , and also , if I will be able to do some thing to help her and comfort her .
I look at her with a serious face , sitting on the edge of my bed , and tell her to sit in my chair in front of my desk , and to go on the Firefox browser , then type in the research bar on top of the window the following words , linked to a video I've been watching before coming into this world . If I was right , it was still in my history , so accessible again . She proceeds to do so and look amazed at the screen changing to the youtube interface , and the video starts to play . I suddently tell her to press the pause button , because I forgot to tell her something important .
" Monika " I start while looking straight at the girl sitted at my desk " What you are about to see , all of it , is something that is , or rather was , in the place I come from . It is pictured as a game , a simulation created by someone , and who had a huge success , but also a huge impact on people , both good and bad . Once this video will be over , I have no way to tell how you are going to feel about all of this , and it really worries me because I know now that there are some differences from what you are about to see , and the things I've seen so far . I also have to apologize sincerly , I didn't told you the whole truth because I was kind of scared as to how things would go if I did so . I simply wanted to be carefull and trying not to make mistakes , but rather fixing them . As I said , from what I saw so far , it seems that I was wrong to think that way , and no matter how many and what your questions will be , I'll answer them honestly this time . I promise it on my very own life . "
The video was still paused , and the girl was suddently taken aback by my words. She might have thought before , when I lied to her while she was carrying me all the way up here , that I wasn't telling her the truth , but this time , she let out a beautiful little smile , probably realizing how honest I would be from now on , and that perhaps , she wasn't mad at me for this , but choosing instead to trust me .
I hear her muttering a little " Thank you ! " again , barely higher than a whisper , her hair shadowing her eyes as she turns herself facing the computer screen once more , and starts playing the video .
A little bit more than an hour pass . It was traumatizing , for the both of us . I've been there before , but still , rewatching all those events , even though they were originally part of a game , taking place one after the other , the gruesome deaths , the many enigmas and awful events such as Sayori's death , the crypting and daunting dialogues and references in the various mods developped by fans , the mixed reactions of the community , some of them condamning the poor girl while some other defended her to the best of their abilities , the many theories and secrets uncovered about Yuri's book , the experimentation laboratory where humans were tortured , the Third Eye and it's powers , all of this and much more . I've been holding her hand , and even holding her in my arms , taking back her place and my chair and letting her sit on top of me . The amount of tears , well , I wonder how a human can shed so much tears in one single day , and how much water she was currently having left in her body . She was shaking like a leaf during a tornado , almost unable to control herself .I tried to calm her down with every single thing I could think about : patting her head sotfly , muttering that it wasn't real anymore , that I was by her side and here for her now , cuddling her ... Nothing had been effective so far . Still , she was snuggling and sniffing lightly against me , as if I was the only thing preventing her from breaking down , and maybe even doing something rash and unconsiderate . She was too tired to speak , move or think anymore . She was just quietly sleeping in my arms , and I couldn't help but smiling softly at her cute face , despite the dried tears . I swiftly remove some strands of hair with the tips of my fingers , and I gently give a light carress on her cheek . Even with her emerald eyes closed , I can't help but being staring at her , like if time itself had been stopped , and I wasn't complaining in the slightest about it . Sure , I was having some sort of " starting relationship " with Shizuka , but it wasn't quite the same . I had a crush on Shizuka , but it was kind of a long time ago , and as bad as it sounds , I wasn't having the same strong feelings for her as I used to have . Monika though , had made an entry more recently in my mind and my life , and so I began to be more attracted towards her rather than any other girls I had been having feelings for so far . It was the same concept as before , the same idea , but a newer version of it . I don't say that I'm some sort of modern ' don juan ' , wanting to date every single girl I find cute , and drop them off after . I never really knew what real love was , because in my previous life , in my previous world , I had next to no experience in that domain . The only thing I was able to do was to relate to a female character that I thought was cute , smart , with an interesting personality , beautiful as well , but also caring . Needless to say that there was a lot of anime/manga girls and womens I had a crush for , but in the end , you realize sooner or later that no matter how hard you think or try , they are not real , and so , your feelings kinda go to a waste . It's sad to say but it was that way , and you can't do shit about it.
So now that I've been confronted to a situation were both girls were real , with emotions , and incredibly beautiful , I was ...
Scratch that , I wasn't able to think anymore . Have you ever wondered what your reaction would be like when your dream , the thing you wanted the most in life , suddently becomes true ? Like , really ? For either a short or a huge amount of time , you aren't able to think rationally , or at all . That was what I was experiencing right now . I lift myself up from the chair slowly , making sure to not wake her up , and I let her lying down on my bed . She is so beautiful looking that way , and considering the fact that I still hadn't enough rest , I kinda was thinking about taking a nap next to her . Not to satisfy my own desires , but mostly because even if she is sleeping right now , she is still worried and kind of traumatized by what she had been seeing , and also because she never even for a single second , wanted to let me go away , clutching her fingers on my t-shirt or my arms , fearing to be left alone , with no one taking care of her . So hesitantly , I lie down next to her , and next thing I know , she once again wrap her arms around me , and snuggle her head against my chest . my face , my look , my body tense a bit before completly relaxing,
as if I was at peace . I look at her hair , and I decide to untie her white ribbon , letting her ponytail falling into a long wave of brown hair . She looks even prettier that way ... WAIT ! NO NO NO , CALM YOUR HORMONES DOWN ! Think about something ! Hmm , how is Shizuka doing with Sayori ? How am I going to explain the almost complete destruction of the literature club's classroom ? Should I really be lying here next to that beautiful and seducing young g... GAAAAAAH ! I just can't ! My mind is corrupted by sin !
I take another peek at her sleeping face , and I see a tiny bit of drool coming from the side of her mouth , but I can also feel against my body her mounds pushing and backing away due to her breathing . Even with the layers of clothing she still have on her ,
I can feel them , and it makes it even more harder ... to think of something else ! I try but I just can't !
Okay , I should be able to relax . Think about sleeping ! That's it , visualize your own body floating in your bed , focus on your breath alone , as if you were in an empty space . Yes , I can do it , just a bit more and it will be fine .
But how can you expect the unexpected ? Why do I say that ? Well simply because at the very moment when my mind was finally at peace almost becoming completly black entering the realm of dreams , I feel something ... weird . I slowly open my right eye , and that's the moment where I really start to doubt my idea of sleeping right here as a good one . Monika , still sleeping and cuddling against me , was putting her left leg on top of my own legs , as if she was in her dreams , wrapping her legs around the waist of her boyfriend and having a wondefull time filled with love with him . I gulp down a huge limp that might have been stuck in my throat for what seemed the longest time ever , eyes wide open , sweating bullets of what might come next . I don't want it to happen that way if it happens in the future . Do I even wanted to do it with her ? ABSOLUTELY ! Do I really wanted to do it with Shizuka ? Of course ! Do I care about both of them ? HELL FUCKING YEAH ! But that wasn't the right time , the right mood ...
I try to refocus my mind on sleeping again , but it keeps going even further . Now Monika slide her head on my chest all the way to my neck , and she starts... Kissing my neck ! WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING ? HOW ? WHY ? However , if I was clearly blind for now , what I heard next was giving me a whole different idea as to what was happening in the young girl's mind .
" Damian... please don't ...don't leave me ... alone ... My friends, I ... NO ! I don't want to... HELP ME PLEASE ! "
It was crystal clear . She wasn't having a nice dream , rather a nightmare where she was watching her friends die again , and probably the possessed version of herself doing that , and trying to attack or harm her . She was searching for my help , pleading me to take her away from that hell , and protecting her.
Well , that was my plan anyway , so I'm going to do it , like it or not . I gently pat her hand letting my fingers running slowly in her hair and I softly tell her that it's gonna be ok , I'll stay by her side , and I will take her and protect her no matter the cost . Yeah , I might have made a promess I might not be able to keep , but I'll stick to it , that's my resolve , and NO ONE , NOTHING will break it !
I suddently feel another weird feeling , but this time , I recognize this sensation , so sweet , so soft . Monika is kissing me , her lips on mine , a tast of mint , a flavor I love so much along with vanilla . I am so tempted to let go of my self-imposed restrictions and fully enjoy it , but I just can't . I know by now that this Monika is around 98 % the REAL Monika , the good one , the cheerful , smart , caring and responsible . But there's still that tiny 2 % of doubt in my mind . I don't want to fuck things up so to speak , this is part of the reason I restrain myself from going further , even if I crave to do so .
The kiss ends after almost a minute , and she now has a big bright smile on her face , the biggest and more beautiful I've ever seen.
She is truly magnificent like that , and I sure as hell wouldn't want to hurt her , even if she was possessed . I would try to do every single thing , even the most reckless ones , to safely remove whatever evil entity might be controlling her .
She puts back her head against my neck , and just like that , we both go to sleep , with , a thing that I didn't noticed before , our fingers entertwined .
I love her .
But what about Shizuka ? I also do love her , right ?
That's true , even if I won't admit it , because... I'm simply not one to admit it okay ? Remember who I am ? A male version of a tsundere or whatever you wanna call it . I may feel something , but I won't say it out loud neither will I show it .
But then , you can't love two people at the same time , right ?
Well , you can say that my mind is a bit , and it's an understatement , fucked . Remember when I said I had almost no experience whatsoever about love and relationships ? How I've been lacking love , the only real thing I wanted in life , the only one I never had ? Well I guess that , because of that , I developped what I would call an " oversensitive heart " , meaning that I can be able to love more than one person at the time , and give to each of them the exact same amount of love and affection . I never tried it of course , so I can very well be wrong about me being able to do that , but I want to try , even if I shouldn't . Guess it's another thing about myself I'll have to explain , dunno how it's gonna end though .
I wake up a bit more refreshed , but still not in top shape . I take a look at the clock I pull out of the drawer of my nighttable , and I see what hour it is . 9:42 P.M ! So it's night time already ? A quick glance over Monika's beautiful brown untied hair at the window , and I can see that the sky is now dark , almost completly black , safe for some few stars shining , and some lights in the street . I look back at Monika and I can see that my cute princess is yawning a bit , before realizing the position we're in , and cleaning away the tiny puddle of drool coming from the side of her mouth and making a wet spot on my t-shirt . She look at me wondering what happened , probably not remembering how we ended up that way . I decide to tease her a bit , and when she tries to lift herself up , I lift my head and give her a quick peck on the lips , then I lightly grin at her . She is taken aback , and completly stunned . Her eyes searching for answers as to why I just did that , wondering desperatly what could've been the reason for me to do such a thing . It was then that I cup her cheek with my hand , almost too big for her face , my thumb gently rubbing her skin where her tears had been falling . She don't understand why I do that , Why I would be so caring for someone like her .
Does she really think she is the same Monika as the one she had seen in the video , the one being possessed by something dark , hurting her friends and not deserving any kind of excuse , attention , help , or love ?
I can see all of this in her eyes , troubled . The bright emerald color fading to a much darker tone , as if she was undermining herself , feeling guilty of things she probably didn't even thought about , or did . It is almost as reading a book through its cover , closed . Every single word , sentence , page , chapter clear as day , while being still masked and hidden by some sort of thick layer of leather acting as the front cover . I don't want to see her like that , I have to do something .
I made a promise , that from now on , I'll be honest with her , I'll tell her everything , and that's exactly what I'm going to do.
I reach her face once again , putting my other hand on her back , I lock my lips with hers , closing my eyes , and focusing on one and only thing : giving her the happiness she deserves !
Oh don't worry , I don't forget about Shizuka , and I certainly don't forget the other girls as well , Sayori and the promise I made to her , and also Yuri and Natsuki . But for now , the one person I care the most about is the one I'm kissing lovingly .
For the first few seconds , she simply don't know how to act anymore . Petrified by the amount of informations her mind might be filling her , it was kind of expected . But after a little moment , she starts to reciprocate the kiss , and she seems to enjoy it.
We both kiss each other lovingly , the cool temperature of my room slowly rising , raging hormones craving for more ... intense action !
Several minutes later , we both look deeply in each other's eyes , panting and breathing heavily . Monika is on top of me , and from her stare , I do believe what is going on in her mind now . It is painfully obvious that she realized what was going on , and to be honest , quite difficult to hide at this point . We were both excited , wanting each other , our clothes almost dripping from sweat due the extreme heat in this tiny room . She then move her hips a tiny bit , but it's enough to make me release a small groan , and her eyes suddently shine with a wilder look than before . It seems that she was the predator this time , and I was the prey . What was keeping her away from literally jumping on me was a mystery . Perhaps she wasn't ready to go that far yet, but then why were we both excited and seemingly wanting to do it ? Was she concerned about what I said earlier , the fact that I've been lying to her due to the fact that I thought she was already possessed ? I also told her that I would gladly give her answers if she decided to ask me some questions . Or perhaps it was simply too soon . After all , this was my very first day in this world , and It's not like we've been dating each other for a long time already . Perhaps she simply wanted to do it , but just like me , didn't wanted to rush things up , then creating a nightmare if things somehow turns to worst later . I can very well understand that .
I put my arms around her waist , and with some effort , I stand up , with her putting her arms behind my neck so she won't fall off.
She look at me concerned at ask me " Hey , why did you do that ? "
" Well , it seems that we are both sweating , if the state of our clothes is any indication . So maybe we could take a shower , what do you think ? And before you say anything , it is out of question that I let you be one more minute like that, it wouldn't be nice of me to do that . And well , you might find me selfish , but same goes for me ... so due to the fact that I have only one bathroom, sorry , but we will most likely have to share it . But from what I've seen so far , you don't mind that , do you ? "
This is the honest truth , but somehow , I tell her this with a very low voice , a teasing tone and a slight smug on my face .
Oh yes , we are definitively both turned on , and who know what might happen...
" I-If you say so , I guess it's okay it it's with you then . " Is the only thing the now fully blushing , heavy panting Monika is able to say.
And just like that , I push open the door of my room ,and we go in the same position to the bathroom .
But after I closed the door of the bathroom and lock it , I have a weird feeling shortly going through my mind.
It's just a false feeling normally but , I do believe this time that ...
Somebody's watching me .