Chapter 10: Free to Be…You and Me

2 years later

Everyday, Hawkeye and Jackie would see each other, nothing stopped them. Not even Jackie's tough divorce, instead Hawkeye was always there for her. It would never stop. He staged himself through by meeting Mariah, Jackie's daughter but since it was still hard for him to deal with children, even her age, he would make sure he wouldn't get too attached. Mariah sensed that he stayed away, and it didn't bother her. Her father already was gone, so this guy didn't want to take his place. When she did see them, she would refer to him as "Uncle Hawkeye, Mommy's best friend." Course, she didn't say the 'best friend' part, which was just what her mother told her who he was.

Mariah realized that after some time her father wasn't coming back. She was five now, but she didn't need anybody telling her he wasn't coming back into her life. Her mother would promise over and over again that he would come back soon, but after months of waiting, there was no hope. Her father did write her, giving her some pictures too him also promising that he would be back soon. The thing was: he no longer lived in Crabapple Cove, but in another part of Maine.

She didn't know what was going on with her parents; all she knew was that they were in a big fight. Especially at her age, she wouldn't know the meaning of the word 'divorce'. Mariah just knew that her parents didn't want to see each other, just like any other fight. Nothing more, nothing less. But the scars she will face in that mist, will last forever...

"Hawkeye? "Jackie asked in her soothed voice as she nibbled on Hawkeye's neck in the resting area.

"Yo," Hawkeye answered, his arms around her little waist kissing her back as well.

"How much do you love me?" She paused, looking up at his blue beauty eyes. "What I mean is do you love me like you did all those years ago?"

He didn't know how to answer, either answer would be wrong. He and Jackie loved each at one point but then again, Margaret was his main woman. So why was he doing this? Affection? Desire? Frustration? "Jackie," He managed to let out. "We need to talk."

"Damn!" she muttered under her breath looking at the time on his wrist. "Can we talk later, Hawk, I gotta shift to do. I'm taking Mariah to the park later so why don't you meet us at about…. Four?"

Hawkeye had to think for a moment thinking if he had to work late. "That'll be fine. I'll meet you there."

Giving him one last peck at the cheek she said, "I'll see you later." With that she ran off. Hawkeye gave a short wave.

Slowly, he trudged along to his day ahead of him. He wished he could talk to Jackie now, he needed too; he was about to break it off with her. It has been long enough, now he realized two years later. He missed his wife. He missed her, no scientific theory, he just needed his wife. He never understood why he did this in the first place: pity, closure, anything could explain it, but not Hawkeye. He loved Jackie, as a good friend, but never as a lover. Jackie on the other hand, loved him as a lover, and wanted to stay with him. He couldn't do that. He couldn't do that now. He realized a mistake he just made.

Scanning through the hospital doors, he looked around, seeing who's who as they greeted him in the hallway with the routine 'good mornings' and 'how ya doings?'

"Well, look who's out and about this morning," His father saying as he walked towards him. "Are you ready for today?" He asked. Meaning, that for once, Hawkeye Pierce was ready to go back into the operating room.

His son nodded his head in response. For once, he wasn't nervous, but ready for it. He needed this.

Daniel Pierce noticed something was wrong. "What's wrong, son? Surgery getting under your skin?" He cocked his head to the side studying his son's facial expressions trying to read them. It was a common thing to do to a son.

All Hawkeye did was shake his head. "It has nothing to do with the surgery, Dad."

"Then what?" He prop his head back up, crossing his arms across his chest.

Hawkeye just kept shaking his head: "Nothing, Dad."

"It's this Jackie thing isn't it?" Daniel knew, like everyone else knew. He wasn't blind to love. "You ready to go back to your wife, aren't you, son?"

"Yea, Dad, I am. I didn't think you would know. Did you tell Margaret?"

"Hawk, I've been in this world for a very long time. I know when to keep my mouth shut and when to blab it onto the world. You and Jackie is between you and Jackie. You and Margaret, is between you and Margaret. That's not involving me. There are some things in this world where you don't bother asking. One of them is true love. You love Margaret, but you also love Jackie. The choice is yours, Hawkeye. I can't make it for you even if you tried. That's a time where a real man decides who means the world to him."

His son considered the words which helped him with his choice. It was clearer now. He knew what to do.

"Thanks, Dad." Hawkeye added grateful for the advice. The older man just patted his son's back for encouragement and continued on with his work.

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He scrubbed for surgery, under nails, right on palms, fingers, knuckles. All of it. A nurse assisted him. He walked into the operating room, going to stand by his patient. He looked down at him, taking a deep breath studying the area that he needed to do.

Hawkeye glanced up at the light saying a silent pray to God to get him through this in one piece. His breath came out slow; the anesthesia was given to the patient. "Scalpel," he ordered, the nurse obliged. The surgery was only beginning.

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4:00 the Town Park

"Can I go play, Mommy?" Mariah asked. She knew that Uncle Hawkeye was going to be her and she wasn't sure if they were going someplace else for the evening.

"Of course, silly girl, that's why I brought you here. Have a good time." The girl skipped her way to the playground where Jackie sat on a bench. She was wearing her best dark blue dress with blue shoes to match. It was her favorite outfit. She smoothed out her dress as her ankles crossed; she kept smoothing her dress since she didn't know what else to do with her hands. She would quickly look at her dress to make sure there was nothing on there. She was clean as a whistle.

Hawkeye came. He always came. He sat by her and she hugged him tightly. "I'm glad you made it."

He grinned. "You know I would come."

"I was scared at first. What was it you want to talk about?"

There was an unusual pause. Hawkeye didn't really plan on how he was going to say this, so he obviously had to wing it like he always did.

"We need to talk." Those four words got Jackie's attention. "I don't know exactly how to put this so you'll have to bear with me. We've been together for two years now… and I came to realization. I'm married. I'm a married man to a most beautiful woman. I'm betraying her everyday and she doesn't even know it. I regret all of this. I should have realized this sooner, but I was too blind, but now I see. I see clearly. I don't want to do this to her anymore. I don't want this; I don't want you. I'm sorry Jackie. You're my friend and my friend alone."

Shock filled the woman's face. Disgrace was her name. This couldn't be happening, he was the love of her life and now he was leaving?? No one could possibly leave Jackie. It was impossible. She was already left by someone, and has a child. Why this? Why now? "You can't! Please, Hawkeye, you're all that I have left."

"Jackie, "He started to stand up, she grabbed his arm.

"No, you can't. I have nobody. I have nobody!" Her happy eyes were now forming tears that went down her cheeks like rain. "This can't be happening!"

Hawkeye gripped her shoulders helping her to stay calm. "No, listen to me! I'm sorry, but I'm going back to Margaret. Goodbye, Jackie." He let go, storming off the direction he came.

Jackie stood there, stunned at what just happened. The love of her life left her; the one true love of her life had just left her. Tears continued to fall, rapidly like a river. Her head down figuring out what she did wrong. She turned to her daughter playing on the set, but she wasn't playing. Mariah was watching her mother's hot tears and angry face look at her. Uncle Hawkeye was gone.

He walked through the threshold. His face was triumphant with victory. He was free of the guilt and it showed. Hawkeye Pierce felt a weight off his shoulders from Jackie and was ready for someone who really mattered.

Margaret walked in, noticing that face. She hadn't seen that face in a very, very long time. She loved that face.

He approached her, embracing her in a warm hug smelling her sweet perfume. Margaret knew it was over. All she said was, "Welcome home."