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Liara was too unsettled to do anything. Her idle wandering of the ship, looking for somewhere quiet to process, had ended in Life Support. Upon arriving in the small room, she immediately closed the panels in front of the enormous light source. Only one monitor, mounted on the left wall over the lone desk, spread a faint orange glow. Liara reached up and shut it off, plunging herself into complete darkness.
She stood absolutely still in obscurity with only her rampant thoughts for company.
Liara was unprepared for such an adverse reaction to being back on the battle field. She thought the humans might have a clinical term for what had happened—James had even implied that what she experienced was not unusual among soldiers, but Liara would not accept that kind of weakness from herself. There was far too much at stake.
She just needed time to decompress. If she assessed what had happened and managed to get to the root of the problem, she would be able control her responses the next time she was engaged in a firefight. Try as she might, however, she couldn't brain her way through it. The bottom line was that Liara was an archeologist, not a soldier. The last few years of training herself to be distant and calculating had finally extracted their toll. This time she had suffered a substantial regression. Under all the stress, the thick skin she had constructed to protect herself had become malleable.
The worst part, she realized, was that she could no longer blame Shepard. Years ago, Liara's decisions had been made with the commander's survival at heart, but she could have gone on just as the rest of the original Normandy crew had. She could have mourned Shepard and continued to live her lonely life. Of course, she would have resumed trying to persuade the council that the Reapers were a genuine threat so that when they hit maybe the galaxy could have stood a chance.
The thought sent cold shivers through her. That existence was as incomprehensible now as it had been back then. Despite the havoc they inflicted upon one another's emotional states with the disturbing dance they were engaged in, Liara knew she and Shepard were destined to be equal parts of a whole.
If Liara died, Shepard would be lost. With that realization, the strength in Liara's legs gave out and she sank down to the floor, drawing her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them to create a protective cocoon of limbs.
She shivered uncontrollably and remained that way, numb, until the doors of the room swished open and someone came in. The person stood behind her for a moment, only moving forward when they realized that Liara had no intention of acknowledging their company. The newcomer turned on the small lamp on the desk before the doors closed and retracted the light.
Eventually, Liara lifted her head to look into Samantha Traynor's wide, kind-hearted brown eyes. Her lips trembled as she saw what Traynor carried in her hands: a soft-looking blanket and cup of something that steamed. Unable to help herself, Liara let out a strangled sob and tucked her head back down, curling into an even tighter ball. Every ounce of distress Liara had been bottling away now flooded through her and she broke down because of Traynor's benevolent, bracing presence.
"Hey. Come on. Hey now, it's okay." Traynor spoke softly, as she carelessly placed the cup of liquid on the desk before taking the blanket and throwing it over Liara's shoulders. She sat down next to the asari and gathered her in her arms, rubbing Liara's back lightly while muttering unintelligible, soothing words.
It seemed like an eternity before Liara regained her composure enough to form her own words. Although when she opened her mouth to thank Traynor the words would not come out. She smiled instead and carefully disentangled herself from the young human's embrace.
"I thought you might like some tea," Traynor ventured as she stood up, offering a hand to help Liara. "James, uhm, told me what happened. He was discrete, don't worry, he just thought you might like someone to talk to. I guess I'm the only one on the ship who is auspicious. I assume that's why he approached me, anyway." The human wrinkled her nose and frowned a little. "Sorry, I'm babbling. Here, it's peppermint. It helps to settle an upset tummy. I thought… well, I thought if you were upset maybe you could use a little soothing. Your tummy."
She held out the cup for Liara and when the asari took it, she wrapped her hands around Liara's so that the asari felt warmth on both sides of her cold fingers. When Traynor let go, Liara brought the tea close to her face and sniffed, captivated by the wonderful aroma of the beverage. She had never had peppermint tea before and the first sip was like rapture. She eagerly took a second sip.
"This is delightful," Liara said. "Thank you."
"Sure," Traynor said as she bobbed her head. "Is… are you all right, Liara?"
Taking another sip, Liara replied, "I apologize, Samantha, I'm not really up for a conversation right now, if that is okay?"
"Of course. Yes." Traynor spoke quickly and Liara didn't miss the hint of disappointment in the specialist's voice. She felt a pang of guilt. It was clear that Traynor was extending her hand in friendship, on her way to genuinely caring for Liara. But the asari was not in a place where she could emotionally invest in building a new friendship. Maybe if she could sort out the mess with Shepard, Liara could regain enough of herself to offer a piece to Traynor. Goddess knew the woman deserved it.
Liara set the cup down on the desk, and began to remove the blanket from her shoulders with the intention of returning it to the specialist. Samantha merely put up a hand, palm out. "No, please, keep it until you feel better. You can return it later."
Liara didn't speak as the specialist smiled and walked around her toward the door. Halfway to the exit, Traynor turned back. "Don't hang out with darkness, Liara. It's not good for you."
The door slid open as the young woman approached it. To Liara's surprise Shepard entered from the other side and leaned against the jamb as Traynor saluted, then quickly passed through. The commander watched the specialist until she disappeared, her arms crossed over her chest. When the young woman had gone, Shepard turned her focus to Liara. She pushed off from the door frame.
Liara's stomach dropped. She didn't know if she could handle another confrontation with the commander. Not when she was this raw.
"Shepard," Liara said, clutching the blanket about her shoulders and drawing it tighter.
The commander said nothing as she walked around Liara. She held the asari's gaze, though, as she hopped up to sit on the desk. She picked up the cup of tea, sniffing it as Liara had done. The commander took a sip and smiled. "Has Traynor been taking good care of you, Liara?"
Liara couldn't judge by her tone of voice if Shepard meant something more than what she said, so she merely shrugged. "The specialist would make a good friend."
"Or more than a friend?" Shepard enquired.
Liara sighed. There it is, she thought. "Would it matter?" Shepard stared. "Goddess, you cannot be serious." Her words were flat. She was too depleted to become vexed at the human's idiocy.
"Why not?"
"You had your chance."
"Does that mean there is something between you then?"
"There will never be anyone but you," Liara whispered harshly, finally exasperated. "Even if we are too twisted to make something of this—whatever it is—Shepard, I will never love anyone else. There is not time to find actual happiness."
"Do you still want to make something of this?"
As a blatant betrayal, Liara's heart picked up its pace. In an attempt to remain safe, she said, "We can't seem to stop being angry at each other long enough."
Shepard slid off the table and approached the asari. "Liara, as little as the words are worth, I am sorry. You were right," she admitted, astounding Liara to the point where her mouth unhinged and fell open. "I should have made sure you were okay."
"Shepard—"
"No," the commander held up her hand, "let me finish. You know I'm not used to worrying about anyone other than myself outside of my command requirements. I've been avoiding you because you— this scares me, Liara. There isn't much I'm afraid of, but this could be my undoing. Not the Reapers. Not goddamned Cerberus." Shepard waved a hand between them. "Us." She poked a finger at Liara's chest. "You."
Liara looked down, blinking, startled. She rarely heard Shepard string so many words together all at once. The woman truly must have spent a long time pondering their situation. That Shepard had agonized as much as Liara made the asari feel slightly better, as though she hadn't actually been alone in her suffering.
Shepard hooked a finger beneath Liara's chin and tilted her head up so that she could see the lovely blue of Liara's irises. "Has my chance truly passed?"
"Goddess, forgive me," Liara mumbled. "No."
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