For the first time in four months, Chuck Bass was at a party and did not feel the need to slip off into a separate room to get high. This was mainly owing to the woman standing about a foot away from him talking to Nate. Blair, his legitimate girlfriend, even he could not quite believe that he was committed to someone so completely and was not feeling stifled, trapped or the need to drink his way out of it. She turned her head slightly and caught his eye and he smiled at her, pointing to his empty glass and moving towards the drinks table.
It was the Friday night before he had to head up to Oxford for his weekend of induction and then the interview on the Tuesday. To say he was nervous was an understatement, he would never have cared enough about anything before to become nervous and it was an utterly new feeling for him. He reached for the whisky bottle and sniffed at it, wrinkling his nose at the cheap smell that wafted up to him. He put the bottle back on the table and examined the wine bottles, trying to find something that would not cause him to gag in disgust. He found a decent bottle of red and poured himself a generous glass, turning back to gaze at the crowded room.
Dan Humphrey appeared from the crowd and picked up the same bottle, pouring himself a drink and following Chuck's line of sight until he too saw the figure of Blair. "She's taking it surprisingly well don't you think?" he said in a conversational tone. Chuck turned to his philosophy partner in disdain, "Taking what well Humphrey?" Dan looked at him in confusion "Being rejected by Oxford, I mean in her place I'd have gone to pieces, everyone thought she was a shoe-in." Chuck almost dropped his glass, but managed to compose himself "Why would she have told you that Humphrey, you're hardly a friend of hers." Dan grimaced "Oh, well I, er, overheard her on the phone to her mother after rehearsals on Thursday. I haven't told anyone, don't worry, I ugh..." he trailed off as he saw the glare on Chuck's face. "I'd keep it to myself if I were you Humphrey" he said in a menacing voice and walked away from him to where Serena stood.
He gripped her by the arm and pulled her away from her conversation with a nod to the guy she was talking to. She turned to him in surprise, but that expression left her face when she saw his frown. "Is it true?" he asked in a quiet voice, she looked confused and he continued, "If she told anyone, it would be you. So, is it true Serena?" The blonde gulped and nodded "Chuck she's going to tell you herself, you have to let her do that. Me and Nate wanted -"Chuck cut her off "Nate knows? How?" Serena looked slightly scared "Well he invited us to join you on the night you celebrated and I had to say no for that reason, it just slipped out." Chuck shook his head in disbelief "I'm her boyfriend Serena, even if I wasn't when she found out we were close enough that I should have been the first person that she told." The blonde nodded "Trust me I get it Chuck. She said she would tell you in her own time and would not give me the real reason for being like that." Chuck took a long swig from his glass and looked at Serena again "So do I speak to her?" She smiled "Do what you think is best Chuck, it's your relationship."
He turned away from her and looked over at Blair, who was still talking to Nate. They had decided to tell only their close group of friends about their relationship and as such had to behave as though nothing had changed at events like these, but Chuck felt himself rebelling against this rule. He had suggested the privacy; maybe she thought he was not all in? How else could he explain her withholding such momentous news from him? He pushed through the crowds and slid his arms around her waist. Heads turned as people registered what he was doing. Blair turned in his arms and looked up at him quizzically. He smiled at her and brought his lips to hers, kissing her gently. She pulled away quickly and frowned slightly "What are you doing?" she breathed. He moved his mouth to her ear "it's time people saw how much I care about you Waldorf, so shut up and kiss me." She laughed and pulled his lips to hers again. The turning heads had become an attentive audience now and it was getting to the point where a ring was being formed around the kissing couple, but Serena interrupted by shouting "Get a room!" at the top of her voice. They broke apart and laughed, turning back to Nate who was looking completely dazed and confused.
Chuck took Blair's hand "I need to talk to you, somewhere quiet" she nodded and followed him out of the crowded rooms and up some stairs until they found an empty bedroom on the top floor. He pulled her inside the softly lit room and turned to her "Blair-"but her mouth cut off his words with a feverish eagerness. Her tongue found his and her hot mouth pressed harder to his. She moaned into his mouth and began pushing him backwards until he fell onto the large bed in the centre of the room. She fell with him and straddled him as they gained purchase on the heavy quilt. Her mouth intoxicated him, her scent filled his nose and he could feel himself losing control as she bit down gently on his bottom lip. They had not had sex for a week now and he had been running on empty for little less than 6 days, but he needed to talk to her.
He turned his head away from hers and she sat up, resting her hands on his chest and looking down at him. He shifted under her until he was in a sitting position against the headboard and looked at her. She was frowning slightly "By my reckoning Chuck, we haven't had sex in a week, what with rehearsals and interview prep. This leads me to my question, what the hell is wrong with you to be passing up this opportunity to get rid of some of your stress?" He laughed gently "So you've been counting too?" she smiled gently but said nothing, obviously waiting for an answer to her question. Chuck took a deep breath and looked at her searchingly "is there anything that you want to talk about? Is anything wrong at all?" She smiled softly and shifted gently on his crotch, which seriously impaired his concentration. Leaning in so that their mouths were barely millimetres apart she whispered, "It feels to me Bass like talking is not what you came up here to do. So, no nothing is wrong and I do not need to talk. What I need you to do right now is..." She did not finish her sentence as her hands tangled in his hair and as with another excruciating rub against him, she brought their lips together.
Paddington Station was not busy the next morning as they stood gazing at the departures boards. The train to Oxford flashed up and Blair turned to him a smile on her face, "Well, good luck, I suppose. You know you don't need it though." He took both her hands in his, feeling a pang of guilt as he looked down at her. They had not talked last night, not even when they had got back to his house. That was not to say he had not tried, because he had and each time she had lured him away from talk with a slightly conflicted smile and her intoxicating body. He bent to kiss her now and tried one last time "Blair, are you sure that there is nothing that you need to tell me?" This time he actually saw the internal battle in her eyes but she conquered whatever emotion it was that told her that she needed to tell him and shook her head. "Just make me proud, Bass." They kissed again and he turned towards the platform as the final call for his train rang out across the station.
Blair turned away from the retreating figure and walked towards the cab rank, she managed to keep her face impassive until the cab had reached the Euston Road and then she felt herself cracking. The tears fell silently down her cheeks and she did not bother to wipe them away. A week of putting on the brave face. No, a week of acting her heart out had finally taken its toll on her. Now, Chuck was out of sight for the next four days she could deal with the feelings that had been brewing and bubbling in the pit of her stomach. The feelings of failure, loss, inadequacy and yes jealousy. She shuddered at that she was jealous of Chuck, of her own boyfriend, who had ruined her chance of making it in order to succeed in the one area she needed the most. She had let it happen though. She had let it happen, because she loved him. For, that was the other feeling that she had be suppressing for a long time, one that had lain buried under all the other conflicted emotions that surrounded him. She loved Chuck Bass.
The cab pulled up to her house and she paid the driver quickly before running up the steps to her door. She unlocked it and almost tripped over her feet in her rush to get into her room. She was grateful for once that her parent's highflying careers meant that they were absent more often than not. She threw her handbag in the corner of her room and kicked off her shoes, standing barefoot by the window. The gardener was bending over one of the flowerbeds in the back garden and she saw the housekeeper walk out to him with a cup of tea. They stood and talked for a few minutes and Blair found herself feeling almost jealous of the simplicity of their lifestyles. Yes, they had to work incredibly hard, but they did not have to deal with any of the pressure or expectation that parents or one of the top private schools in the country brings.
She turned to her desk, gazing at the pile of Oxford related papers in the middle of it. She continued gazing at them and delved into her pockets pulling out cigarettes and what revealed itself Chuck's lighter. She lit up and examined the silver implement. There was a half-formed idea in her head, one that seemed to combat directly her feeling of anger in the pit of her stomach. She rolled up the sash window and called out to the gardener "John, I want to light a bonfire. Can you gather together the leaves for burning please? I've got some papers that I need to get rid of." The gardener looked up at her in surprise, but nodded and began to move all the garden cuttings into a pile. Blair closed the window and turned back to her desk, stubbing out her cigarette in an ashtray. She filled her arms with the papers and carried them out into the garden where flames were beginning to lick round the dead plants and threw them on top.
The yellow, gold flames curled around the printed words of the sheets, she saw her own handwriting and that of Chuck turn into glowing cinders. The heat started to roll off the burning pages and she basked in the idea of her failure being obliterated, reduced to a pile of grey ashes. She turned away from the fire as it began to settle into a steady burn and smiled at the two servants that were watching her in slight awe. "Thank you, I really needed to get rid of those" she said in a laughing voice and ran back inside the house.
As her wet feet hit the tiles of the kitchen she registered that she hadn't put shoes on and as she saw her reflection in the mirror she saw just how bad she looked. Her makeup had run down her face, her cheeks were flushed from the fire and here eyes looked slightly crazed. This appearance did nothing to calm or subdue her mood, instead she laughed at her expression and continued on her path up to the bathroom. She sat on the edge of the large bathtub and turned the taps on. The medicine cabinet was above the sink and she opened it to find some makeup removal wipes, but her eye was caught by a small bottle of pills on the top shelf. She took the wipes out and then reached up to take the bottle. Her mother's supply of Valium lay in her palm and she put it down on the edge of the sink. There was a creeping temptation in the back of her mind, but she turned away from it as she undressed and immersed herself in the hot water.
She lay back against the hard bathtub and gazed at the ceiling. Now, those feelings, the ones that had kept her awake at night when Chuck lay sleeping peacefully in his own bed. How was she going to get round the fact that he had won where she had lost, but that he had only won because of her. He'd said it himself the other day "You know Blair, I would be nowhere without your help, without you." She had laughed then but she had known he was right, the Chuck Bass of a year ago would never have pushed himself enough to get as far as he had managed now.
Blair dipped her head below the surface of the water, her eyes closed tight. All she could hear now was the thundering of the water as it fell into the bath and this noise succeeded in drowning out her thoughts for a moment. Then, as she felt the need for oxygen tug on her lungs a new thought entered her mind lazily. What if she just stayed here, under the water, her thoughts would be drowned out by the pounding of the taps and then it would fade and she wouldn't have to think anymore. Surely that was the best option? There was really nothing else going for her, there was another tug at her lungs in need of air and she expelled some bubbles. Yes, she would stay here, it was by far the best option. Oblivion was really all she wanted.
Author's Note: So there we go! Thanks for all the reviews! Tell me what you think of it, be brutally honest...