CHAPTER 9: MISSING YOU

Edward POV

The last two days had been the best of my whole life; human or vampire. I had spent every moment being as close to Bella as possible. I had asked every question I could think of and I still had so many more to go. I wanted to know as much about her as I could before I had to leave her.

I still wasn't sure that I could do it; that I would be strong enough to let her go but I knew that I was going to have to try. She deserved all that life had to offer and I would only hold her back. There were so many things that I couldn't give her and she should be with someone without my limitations.

It made me want to scream. Realizing that I was in love with her only made me want to give her everything; not just everything that I could but everything in the world. She talked about how excited she was when her father gave her that old beat up truck and I thought of all the different newer cars I could get her. She talked about how much she had thought about getting her GED so that she could travel with her mom and Phil and it just made me want to take her around the world. Everything she mentioned sparked a reaction in me. Someway that I could give her something tangible so that she would never forget me but I tried to not let myself think about that.

However, that didn't stop me from having a new attitude toward this trip. I threw myself into all of it relishing every minute that Bella was here. Every laugh, every smile I wanted to remember for eternity. Whenever we stopped now I jumped at having pictures. My memory was perfect but if I could have something of Bella to hold onto in the end then I would take it. I would take it and wrap my heart around it and hope that it would be enough to get me through.

The added bonus was that Bella seemed to be enjoying this trip more too. It was like she had let go of whatever had her stressed and going with whatever happened. Maybe it was knowing that we had extra gifts or having some of the mystery behind us revealed. Either way I didn't care as long as she was happy. I would do anything that made her happy.

When we had rushed out to take pictures by Old Faithful she had jumped into my arms as the geyser exploded. There was no surprise this time or worry about losing control. My only thought besides how good she felt was just to be gentle. The last thing I would want was to crush her while trying to hold her. We had of course done more shopping in Yellowstone, where Bella had complained because I paid, thanks to Alice and then headed on our way. We made it to Mount Rushmore and the Crazy Horse memorial before Alice let us know to call it a night. She had booked us to ride this train that was supposed to be from the 1880's for in the morning and she wanted Bella to be well rested.

We naturally went hunting. Just because I couldn't feel the monster inside anymore didn't mean that I was going to give him any reason to come back. Alice rented two rooms but I stayed with Bella. I didn't hold her again as I wanted to but I just listened to her talk. She talked about her mom and worried about her dad. The guilt that I felt for taking her away from him intensified. But as if she knew what I was feeling she said my name and all guilt and worry and everything else faded away. In that breath my dead heart beat again and my mind focused on nothing but my love for her.

This morning I was worried about this train trip but Alice assured me that there would be no chance of sun. Product of traveling during the coldest part of the year she called it. Still there were so many reasons this sounded like a bad idea. First it was one of the few things that we had done during the day that wasn't indoors and second I had seen the brochure and there were no windows. All it would take would be one errant cloud to move at the wrong time and Bella would see. She would see and she would scream and run and my heart would be lost forever. I wouldn't stop her because I would want her to be safe but it would hurt less to be pulled apart and burned then to have to watch her go.

"What are you thinking about all by yourself?" The object of my existence said sitting beside me. I still wasn't use to not knowing when she was coming or the fact that she always sat closer than humans normally would. There was no fear in her at all. This was something I was both glad and concerned for.

"Just waiting for you" I skirted the question. I couldn't tell her that I was trying to make sure that she didn't see me in the sun.

"Oh" She didn't say anything more for a so long that I, like always, wondered what she was thinking.

"What are you thinking?" I asked.

"That this is weird" She was looking down at her shoes.

Had she figured out the rest? Would this be my last moment with her? "What is weird?"

"That we are going out in the middle of the day." Her eyes still didn't move. "We don't really do that."

"No we don't" I didn't know what else to say. I couldn't really tell her the real reason that we didn't go out. There was no way that she would understand and I would lose her that much sooner.

"Are you nervous?" She asked.

I looked down at her but didn't know what to say. What was it that she knew? She was such a perceptive little thing. "Why would I be nervous?"

She shrugged and then looked up. "I guess it doesn't matter." She smiled. "It's not like Alice wouldn't see if something would happen." She really had taken everything that she knew so well. "And" She looked back down. "It will be nice to spend the day with you."

Did she not know what she did to me when she said things like that? How much it made me hope? How much it made me not want to let her go?

"Yes, it will." I put my arm around her remembering to be as gentle as possible. She leaned into my side and rested her head on my shoulder. I sighed without any thought enjoying having her here with me.

"No questions?" She asked.

"Excuse me?"

"The last two days you have been none stop questions." I felt the heat from her blush. "I was just wondering if you were done."

I chuckled. "Hardly" if she only knew how many questions I had left. I could spend the rest of eternity asking her questions and never get tired of her answers. But I couldn't let myself think like that. I had to let her go.

"Do I ever get to ask any?" She pulled back and looked up at me.

I wanted to tell her yes. I wanted to answer every question that she had but I knew that I couldn't. I couldn't tell her the truth. It would be too dangerous for her and the last thing I ever wanted was to put her in more danger. As it was Rosalie and Jasper where after her because they thought she saw too much. What would they do if they knew that she knew everything?

But looking into her amazingly deep eyes I knew that I couldn't lie to her. I couldn't want her trust and then betray it by telling her the lie that we had feed everyone for decades. So where did that leave me? I couldn't tell her the truth and I couldn't lie to her.

"What would you like to ask?" I heard myself say because more than anything I could deny her nothing.

Her eyes widened and she smiled at me. How could I not love her when she was so radiant? "Do you miss your family?"

Was that it? "Of course, I miss them." I smiled at her.

"Do you wish they were here?"

Were these the type of questions that she was going to ask? "Some of them; maybe all" As much as I would like to still be angry at Rosalie and Jasper for their feeling toward Bella I couldn't. I understood their concern and if it wasn't for my thinking that they would attack her I wouldn't be here with her now. Besides, I loved my family and after almost a century traveling with them I knew that they were lots of fun to travel with. I wouldn't trade my time with Bella for them but I would have enjoyed if it could be all of us and including Bella.

"I'm sorry." She looked back down.

"Why?"

"I'm taking you away from your family." She whispered. "That's not right."

Was she kidding? I was the one that had taken her away from her family and she thought that this was her fault. "Bella" I lifted her chin slowly. "This isn't your fault. My family will be just fine until I get back."

"But you should be with them." She kept on.

"And I will be but I wouldn't change this time with you." I wanted to tell her how much she meant to me but I didn't want to scare her. "I'm glad that I'm here with you."

"Me too" Her lips beckoned mine and I lowered my head, human instincts taking over.

"Are you two ready?" Alice bounded into the hotel lobby as if she had interrupted nothing.

Bella pulled away from me with the loveliest maroon on her face. "Sure are."

I personally growled at Alice. I purposefully kept it low so that I Bella wouldn't hear me. Sorry Edward but you're not ready for that and I wouldn't want you to hurt her. You would never forgive yourself if you did.

She was right. What had I been thinking? I couldn't kiss Bella. What if she came in contact with my teeth? What if I had lost control? I could have bitten her without thinking about it. I was just feeling guilty because she hadn't seen her father and mother in little over a week. How would I feel if she couldn't see them for the rest of eternity? I could have destroyed her life in one thoughtless act just by trying to show her how I felt.

I shook my head in despair. I couldn't ever kiss her. This was why I needed to let her go. She was beautiful and compassionate and warm and the most caring person I had ever met. She deserved nothing but the best. Someone that could hold her hand without worrying that he was going to crush the bones; someone that could be honest with her and not hold his breath when she began to ask question about him; someone that could kiss her and it not be a hazard. I hated that person with more passion than I had ever felt.

Edward calm down, Alice might not be Jasper but she had been with me long enough that she could tell my emotions almost as well as he could. I didn't say you could never kiss her as your probably thinking. All I said was that it was too soon. You weren't thinking and to be with Bella that way you have to have your mind about you. That's all.

She smiled as she continued talking to Bella who wasn't paying any attention to our introspective conversation. Trust me; you'll know when the time is right. I could see Bella and I in a place I had never seen before but we were in each other's arm and her lips were pressed to mine. I didn't look as if I was about to lose control or anything and Bella looked as if I was doing things right.

I smiled to myself. I had never kissed a girl before. Never thought about it until a few minutes ago and there hadn't been any thought in what I had been about to do, but I took comfort in the fact that it appeared that I was doing it right. That Bella was happy to be kissing me.

"We better get going" Alice pulled me out of my thoughts. "We have a little bit of a drive and I don't want to be late. Also I was thinking that we could stop at a few of the antique stores there before the train ride."

"You know Alice; my trunk is only so big." I reminded her.

"I spent to two hours in it Edward" She snapped at me. "Of course I know exactly how big it is." She stuck her tongue out at me and Bella laughed.

"Then you must know that we are going to run out of room if you don't stop buying things."

"But Esme loves antiques" She went on. "And if I ship them to the house then they won't take up as much space."

"And are you going to" I asked. I hadn't seen her ship anything.

"I actually sent a few things last night." She looked pointedly at me. "While you were busy." With Bella, she added in her head.

"What did you do last night?" Bella looked at me curiously.

It was a good think I was raised that you don't hit women because I could have smacked my sister right then. "Aren't we going to be late?" I ask taking Bella's hand and rushing to the car.

Nice change of subject Edward, Alice sounded smug as she followed behind us.

She didn't say anything else and neither did Bella. She looked up at me every once in a while but mostly she watched the sky. I didn't know what she was looking for and I wanted to ask but after avoiding her question I didn't feel right pressing mine.

We made it to three antique stores and naturally Alice found something in each of them. We walked through the town and I was relieved that the day was still overcast. I wanted to reach for Bella's hand and stroll with her as if we were here on a date but I didn't want to seem forward. She was so shy around everyone yet around me she opened up more. I didn't want to let myself hope that she could return my feeling even a little but just that thought filled me with a different kind of warmth.

By the time we made it to the train I had mostly relaxed about the weather. Alice was never wrong when it came to the forecast and if she had seen anything change we wouldn't be here. We picked up our tickets and waited for the boarding to start.

It was funny standing there looking at something from another century when I was a century old myself. I didn't remember this train but I did remember a train similar to it. It was a vague and foggy memory of my human life. A summer trip with my parents to the coast. It had taken longer than this trip would have even if I was driving the normal speed limits and we didn't keep stopping. I laughed to myself. The train ride had been longer than the vacation but it had been a happy memory and I was glad that I still had it.

"I wish Jasper could be here." Alice said wistfully. She hadn't mentioned Jasper in a few days and I had wondered how she was doing with that. Although Rosalie and Emmett were the more physically expressive of our family Alice and Jasper's love I always thought ran deeper. I didn't know if it was due to the fact that Jasper could feel Alice's emotions and project his feelings back to her or what but they just seemed to be connected on a deeper level than any of my other family members.

"You miss him?" Bella went to sit by her and put her arm around Alice's hard little shoulder. I saw Alice lay her head on Bella's arm as if seeking the comfort that Bella offered.

"Yes" She said quietly. "I don't do so well without him." She smiled. "But that wasn't what I was thinking about."

"No?" Bella questioned.

"No" Alice assured her and I had to hold back a laugh. "I was think he should be here because he could tell us if this train is really authentic or not."

"Is he into history?" Bella asked really curious.

"Something like that." Alice chuckled. "He's very into the Civil war era."

"Well, you could always take a lot of pictures and he could let you know when you get back." Bella tried to help.

"That's true." She got up and smiled. "Thanks Bella" She walked to the front of the train and started snapping away.

"That was very nice of you." I told her taking Alice's seat.

"I just wanted to help." She was watching Alice flit around with her camera. "She's been so nice to me and there's no way I could ever repay her generosity."

"She's not looking for you to repay it." I didn't want her to think that we were here simply because of guilt.

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Are you expecting me to repay your generosity?" She was staring right into my eyes; my heart.

"There's nothing to repay." I answered. "Everything I've done I would do again just to spend time with you."

I felt the instincts again. The pull toward her that had nothing to do with her scent or her blood. I could see Alice's vision in my head and I wanted to make it this place although I knew that it wasn't. I listen to my mind to see if the monster within had returned but I heard nothing. I kept my mind on not hurting her and I lowered my head again determined to kiss her this time.

"Their boarding." Alice popped up between us and I let out another growl toward her. "Let's go, let's go." She pulled Bella up from the seat toward the train.

I saw Bella look back and she looked just as upset as I felt. I smiled deeply at that thought. She had wanted me to kiss her. That was a good sign. Now that I knew that I would find a way to share my first kiss with Bella. Even if I had to lock my sister back in the trunk.

I saw that Edward, Alice told me. Keep that up and I'll never leave you alone with Bella.

Yes, definitely locking her back in the trunk.

AN: There you have it. So far, so good. Now all they have to do is have that first kiss and things will be right on schedule or will they? Just have to wait until next week to find out. I also have a question. I have been doing double posting once a week for awhile now and I was curious to see how everyone still felt about it. Would you like me to keep posting two chapters once a week or would you rather I posted one chapter twice a week? Let me know in your reviews or send me a private message. Either way thanks for continuing to read and hopefully enjoy.

Don't make me blue; please review.