On Thursday, Castiel found himself with Sam at Sam's hotel room. They had been doing their normal stuff that they did. Eating, watching movies, except that this time, Castiel would be wrapped in Sam's arms. Castiel liked it better that way anyway. It was better than the two awkwardly sitting there, usually with a bowl of popcorn between them. Castiel liked being in Sam's arms. They were warm, and he felt like it was the perfect fit. He would rest his head on Sam's shoulder, his muscular shoulder, and then Sam would rest his head on Castiel's. Castiel didn't ever think he'd like to cuddle, but with Sam, he did.
Once the movie was done, Sam stood up. Castiel groaned softly, not wanting Sam to get up. They were fine the way he was, and he didn't want Sam to randomly get up. Even if the movie was over, they could still sit there and cuddle. Castiel just loved to cuddle.
"You have to be home in a half hour." Sam said to him, looking over at the clock.
"Yeah? So? We still have a half hour. Get down here, I was comfortable." Cas said to Sam.
"I know...but, I'm getting the urge right now, and I know you don't like it when I smoke near you." Sam sighed. Castiel did hate it when he smoked. He hated the whole smoking thing in general, it really upset him.
"Oh." Castiel said softly, "I do hate it when you do that."
Sam sighed again, walking into his room to get his cigarette like he normally did. He smoked all the time around Cas. It really made Castiel wonder. How much did he smoke when Castiel wasn't around? Was it worse? Or was it just some kind of effect Castiel seemed to have on Sam that gave him the urge to smoke? Castiel really hoped that it wasn't the second one. He would hate to be the one to give that effect to Sam.
Castiel really hated how Sam never told him anything. He felt like he knew Sam, but didn't know him at all. Sam was so secretive about his life before his singing career. Castiel knew that Sam hated his past, and that he wanted to forget it. But still, Castiel didn't like the fact that Sam was so secretive about it. If they were going to date, eventually Sam was going to have to tell him. Castiel wouldn't force it, he'd make sure Sam was ready. He didn't want to know everything, just the main cause for all of the smoking. Some people didn't need a cause, but Sam definitely had one. Castiel guessed it had to do with a brother. Whenever he was mentioned, Sam would rush to smoke. It was something that Castiel was really concerned, and interested in finding out what it was about.
"I'm sorry, Cas." Sam said softly.
"About what?" Castiel turned his head to the side a bit, confused.
"Smoking near you. I know I've said it a lot...but I'm really sorry about it. I've tried to quit, but it's hard. It's so fucking addicting, and I hate it. Instead of going to anything else, I go to smoking. I'm surprised the media hasn't found out yet. My reputation would be murdered. A lot of kids look up to me, and I don't want to end up being like Justin Bieber. I know that I am really the worst role model, but, I don't want kids to end up as fucked up as me. I like my public profile to be clean. I'm very sneaky about it." Sam said. Castiel nodded in understanding.
"If it can get past my sister, it can get past everyone. Seriously. She claims to know everything." Castiel said. Sam took another puff at that. He probably hated whenever Castiel brought her up too. Castiel couldn't blame him for that one.
"So, anyway..what can we do to pass the half hour we have left? I can't really think of much that we can do in only a half hour." Castiel said, shrugging a bit. Sam shrugged as well, showing that he didn't really know what to do either. Castiel sighed. He felt really boring, though he knew that Sam didn't usually have that much time to sit around and do nothing, so maybe it would be nice for him.
"We can just sit on the couch and cuddle or something? I love to cuddle with you. You have nice, big, strong arms" Castiel told Sam, who replied with a little smile.
"I guess we can. In a couple minutes though." Sam said, "I wanna finish this." He took another hit of it. Castiel sighed, crossing his arms.
"What?" Sam frowned.
"It's nothing." Castiel looked away from him.
"Cas. Tell me. You look upset. Is it because I'm smoking instead of cuddling with you?" Sam asked, "Yeah, that's it isn't it? I'm sorry about that. I really am. I'll be done in a second, I just need to calm down a bit. My nerves are really getting to me right now. You don't understand. " Sam sighed. He looked like he was thinking really hard about something. Castiel tilted his head a bit.
"It's fine. I guess." Castiel said. But it really wasn't. Sam was always so different whenever he smoked. Castiel was starting to get sick of it. He really wanted to know now. Screw waiting until Sam was ready.
Sam walked into his bedroom. Castiel got up and followed him.
"Cas. I want to be alone right now." Sam said, turning away from Cas.
"No." Castiel walked over to Sam and grabbed the cigarette from his hand, and put it in the ashtray that Sam had next to his bed.
"Hey! What the hell?" Sam said angrily.
"Sit down." Castiel pointed to the bed. Sam looked at him, confused, but did as Castiel said.
Castiel sat down next to Sam, "Tell me. Tell me why you smoke. I want to know why you always get so angry and aggravated whenever you smoke. I don't want to hear the whole, 'You wouldn't understand.' crap that you always give me. It happens every time that I come over. I'm not trying to sound like a n asshole. I'm worried about you. This isn't healthy at all. I don't want you to get hurt. So. I want you to tell me why. Don't hold back. Tell me everything."
Sam looked at him, shocked. "I already told you that I don't want to. You're not going to like me anymore. I can't lose you from this. It's only been about two weeks, but I don't have anyone this close to me and I don't want to be alone."
"Sam. I'm not going to think any different of you. I just want to know. I promise."
Sam sighed, "Fine. But. You can't say anything until I'm done."
Castiel nodded.
"My mother died when I was only 6 months. We had this house fire. It started because, well, I was crying, so my mom went to go check on me. We had a power outage, so we had a bunch of candles out. While she was doing that, she went to check on me, and accidentally knocked one over in my room. It caught the room on fire, and she caught fire and couldn't put it out. Now, I was young so I couldn't control myself, but I still feel guilty about that. Well, that's not the real reason why I smoke. My dad came to save me, and my brother carried me out. Now, my dad didn't take it too well. Neither did my brother, Dean. My dad became a firefighter. He was so determined to make sure it would never happen to anyone else. He started training my brother and me. We'd always have to go through these stupid courses. I hated every single second of it. But my dad kept telling me, 'Oh, but don't you want to stop the thing that killed your mother' But, personally I always found it stupid. Like, it was as if he was expecting nothing else from us. And he was such a drunk that he really didn't care what we'd have to say. My brother also practically raised me because my dad would always be out on his job. We moved around a lot too because he was almost always being transferred. My brother was the closest thing to me growing up. I didn't really care for anyone but him. I loved my brother. He was my best friend, he always helped me, and he was always by my side. Well, most of the time. He was really passionate about working with my dad. He always tried to make Dad proud. He would listen to almost every god damn thing my dad said. No matter how fucked up it would be. My dad was really not the greatest father. He was so fucking horrible. When I was 17, I started to skip the classes my dad taught. I didn't want any part of it. I was miserable. So I decided that I wanted to become a lawyer. I always wanted to be one. It was this huge dream of mine. I never really talked about it. Until one night, I told my dad. I told him the truth. I didn't want anything to do with what he wanted with me. I told him I wanted to be a lawyer, and that I already submitted an application to Stamford. All I needed, was an interview. He looked me dead in the eye, and told me 'I'm disappointed in you. You don't even give a shit about your family. You only care about your impossible dreams.' I wanted to cry. I never really liked my dad, but to hear that, it destroyed me. And my brother was right there. And you know what he said? Absolutely nothing. He always stood up for me. But he didn't then. It was almost like he agreed with him." Sam sighed. He wiped his eyes. Castiel didn't even notice him tearing up a bit.
"And...that's not the worst part. I went to my interview. I had to sneak out, because...well, my dad would not approve of me going. He told me I would regret it if I went to it. But I was so determined to go. I went home, and it seemed as though I made it safely. I nailed the interview. They really loved me. They told me my grades were perfect, and that I was really fit for the their school. I was so happy. I told my brother. I told him about how happy I was that I'd be going to Stamford for the next four years, and become a lawyer. My brother was usually proud when I made achievements. Though, when I told him this, he just looked at me. He didn't even say anything. He sighed, shaking his head, and walked out of the room. This was even worse than what had happened before. I was like my brother in the sense that I just wanted him to be proud of me. I wanted Dean to be proud of me. I always felt like I failed him, and just this once I wanted him to be proud of me. But he just simply walked away. I may seem childish, but it was stuff like that, that really just got to me. It seemed like every time he would look at me, he'd just seem angry, and sad. He didn't look at me like he used to. We started to fight. A lot. Little things I would do, Dean would get pissed at me. I started to get really upset with him too. Every time he was pissed at me, I would start to write. That's where my first song came from. I made it sound like a break up song. I made it sound like that just in case my brother found it, I would just say my girlfriend was making me angry. He never actually found it." Sam bit his lip, sucking in a breath. He looked like he was really about to break down. He looked at Cas for a second, then looked down again. He sighed, then continued.
"Then, I got my acceptance letter. Sadly, I wasn't the one who got the mail that day. My dad did. He ran over to me, and started screaming. It was so obvious that he was drunk. I don't even remember what he was saying. It was all a blur to me. I do remember, he told me that if I go, I better not come back. If I was going to go to college and leave them, there would be no use in coming back. I already disappointed them enough. I looked at Dean, to have at least a little bit of reassurance, but I didn't get anything. He just looked at Dad and nodded in agreement. My heart shattered then. I always failed him. The look on his face, was like I wasn't even important anymore. I felt like shit. I was kicked out that night. I was kicked out because I just wanted to go to college and not be forced into something I really didn't want to be in. I lived with my friend for a while. I couldn't go to Stamford, I had absolutely no money for it. I ended taking a video of me with that stupid song I wrote. I uploaded it to youtube. I didn't expect it to get popular at all. Dean found out about it. He found me and started talking to me about it. He seemed really ticked off. He also seemed upset, and kept asking me why I felt like that. So I told him, "Fuck off. I honestly don't care about what you think anymore. You never stood up for me, so why should I tell you anything any more. I'll just keep letting you down and you'll be some asshole who's being brainwashed by his own father' Then I just ran. I went back to my friend's house. And that was the last time I ever saw him. I hated myself for saying that to him. I just...I didn't really mean that. I was angry. I didn't mean all the shit I said about him. He was still my brother, and I still loved him, even if I was tired of some of the shit he was giving me. I always wanted to talk to him again, but I'm always too afraid to be let down again. After a while, I was given that whole record deal. My friend was pissed off at me, I can't remember why. After that, I kept living in hotel rooms, going on tours. I started to smoke, because I know my brother used to. I would smoke every time I thought of him, or anything about my childhood. After a while, it became a horrible addiction. I stopped sleeping. Dean would always tuck me in bed, or sleep beside me if I couldn't sleep. Once I was on my own, I found it so much harder to cope with shit without someone there. I still find it hard to sleep. But...when I'm around you...I feel happy. Because now I have someone to tuck me in bed and to sleep next to me whenever I feel upset. I know you hate it when I smoke, and I try to stop. I really do. I just...need help with it. I know it's cheesy...but you're the only thing I really have going for me right now. That's why...I'm just trying so hard not to break down in front of you because I can't get the thoughts of my past out of my . I said it. I said it all." He stopped talking then. He continued to look down.
Castiel was registering everything that Sam had said in his brain. He was expecting it to be sad, but not like this. "Sam..." He said softly. Sam looked up at Cas.
"I'm sorry Cas."
"You don't have to be. Not at all, Sam." Castiel said softly. He looked at Sam for a while.
Castiel cupped Sam's cheek with his hand, and pulled Sam's face closer to him. He kissed Sam, softly, their lips barely touching. Sam gasped softly, then pushed his lips into Cas's more. Sam put his hands on Cas's shoulders gently.
Castiel closed his eyes. He moved his lips slightly, deepening the kiss a little bit. He could hear Sam hum a bit, it was cute. He wanted it to be sweet the first time they kiss, and it really was.
After a couple minutes, Castiel pulled away. Sam smiled softly, then hugged Cas. "Thank you." He said softly, stuffing his face in Castiel's shoulder. Castiel hugged back, "You're welcome, Sam."
Sam stayed in Castiel's arms for a while. Castiel decided to call his mom and ask her if he could sleep over. It took a lot of convincing, but she finally said yes. Sam got a lot of sleep that night.