Chapter 10 - Six weeks and one day after the fall.
The diary of Dr. John Watson.
You bastard. You total and utter bastard. I know now. You lying, idiotic, sociopathic... Do you know what you do to me?
I am crying as I write this. I am crying angry tears of utter and total fucking relief. You are alive just as I always knew you were. I am so angry with you. Why oh why could you not tell me? Had I not done enough to earn your respect.. your friendship? Your my world.. my total fucking world and you blew it apart. You ripped the world out from under me and left me hanging.
Oh God Sherlock. Sherlock.
I saw Molly. You may have already deduced that.
Molly, the nice, sweet, innocent girl that has a crush on you. No wonder she looked so drawn, so pale and stressed and guilty.
I rang her. She was better on the phone with me than face to face. Until I asked her to lunch. I heard her trying to find a way out of it, but maybe that broken voice I put on helped her on her way to saying yes. She cares. Cares too much. Something you are not able to comprehend it seems. Caring.
I met her at twelve thirty in the speedys. She looked nervous as she walked in through the door, pushing her rain dampened hair from her eyes. Those eyes caught mine and the guilt I saw flashing before flashed again as she took me in.
We ordered coffee and I went for small-talk for a while. Let the girl settle, because when she first walked in she was jumpy and unsettled. I could almost see her looking for an exit. She did settle until I bought you up.
"Do you miss him Molly?" I asked suddenly. I saw her jump inwardly. Her eyes flashed up from her coffee and her brow crinkled.
"Of course I do John." was the almost whispered answer. Her eyes met mine, I could see her struggle inwardly. The fight that she had obviously played out in her head over and over again. "How are you coping without him?" she asked though I could tell that she didn't want to say the words. I swallowed deliberately, pretending to choke back the tears that had yet to prickle my eyes.
"It's hard." I replied "Sometimes I think he's there, watching me. I feel like I have seen him, I dream of him.. It's weird.. maybe.." I paused and allowed a tear to fall "maybe he's not.. dead?"
That was the first time I have allowed myself to say the word 'dead' in connection to you.
Molly blinked and frowned deeper. A flush crept into her cheeks.
"W.. what do you mean not dead John? You saw it.. you saw what happened.. he fell.. he.." tears pricked her eyes suddenly as the nervous words ceased and the guilt in her eyes leapt forward.
"Molly.." I said softly "I know you saw him.. at the end.." I shed another tear 'You did the death certificate right..?" Molly swallowed hard and nodded "Molly.." I fixed my eyes on her "I don't believe it was him." I saw the girls eyes widen slightly and i'll give her her due she did a good job acting innocent considering. I leaned forward towards her and grasped her wrist in my hand, counting her pulse, it had quickened. "Molly.." I continued "..I don't believe that you ever saw him laying on a slab dead. I don't believe he's in the ground."
"John.. I.." she tried, her pulse was racing madly.
"Don't lie to me Molly." I begged. Her eyes met mine, so open and almost innocent, and as another tear fell from mine she fell apart.
She told me everything Sherlock.. everything she knew. The body beneath that stone with your name on is not you, it was provided by a source unknown to her. I have a damned good idea where that may have come from then. That could well be my next stop. She signed it off as you, signed the death certificate. She then told me you were there. YOU WERE THERE. God.
As for the rest she had no idea how you pulled it off, after she had completed her part she said you left and that from that point she had lived with the guilt, that was why she had avoided me. She couldn't stand the sight of my sad face, my tired eyes, my despair.
I think I sat there in a trance for well over ten minutes, my hand still clutching her wrist. Finally she shook me out of it. I asked her why you had done it. She told me she didn't know, but that you had come to her a few hours before the fall and had told her that you thought you were going to die and that you needed her. She told me you were emotional and she told me that she thought that you were trying to save me from pain.
That gives me some comfort I suppose, but I tell you now am in pain.. more than you can imagine. She left after that, her hurried goodbyes falling on deaf ears as I returned to an almost comatose state before her.
I watched her hurry to the door and then saw her pause. She turned back to the table, her eyes catching mine. She bit her lip and then gave a sad little smile.
The last words she said I heard Sherlock, and as I write this I feel my heart soften despite my anger right now.
The last words she said...
"He did it for you John. He loved you."