Wiress and Beetee had spent the week preparing me on how to handle my victory tour, to read out from the cards, and just how to cope with it.

Eventually the day I had dreaded came. I was woken up by my stylists who had annoyingly come to district 3. They scolded me for the dark circles under my eyes, and for my lack of haircare. At one point I could not help but chuckle a little at them. Because did they actually think that I cared about that stuff? For two months I could not stand on my own, or barely feed myself. And they were worried about my haircare. It was almost absurdly funny.

I did get some weird looks when I started laughing halfway through my scolding.

They did me up but not too much I wanted to look natural as well. Cinna came and gave me a beautiful black dress. It reminded me of what I had worn for my first interview. He told me he was gonna keep bringing me black dress and I loved it. It also hit me that it was a funeral colour, which fit the tone of this experience perfectly.

Eventually Tiffy led me outside and I had to smile and wave to the cameras. I had to act happy and talked to Ceasar through a satellite. We talked for a small while, luckily before I knew it the lights and cameras turned off and I was dragged off to the train station.

Once back on that train I stayed pretty silent. I actually managed to enjoy parts of the ride. It was a long ride to district 12 where I had to start. But I spent most of my time in the back of the train starring out the big window at the beautiful scenery that passed me by.

I lived up a little on the train too, I had a lot of fun annoying Tiffy but stealing things from her here and there. It annoyed her to great lengths, and even though I gave it back after a little fight I was kind of fun. She never really got truly angry though, probably just glad to see me laughing a little again. She had seen me after the games and if I remember it right she actually looked at bit concerned for me.

Or she was concerned for her always fleeting schedule, which could be ruined by a breakdown.

I got to district 12 and gave a small speech about the tributes from there. I had to look out at their families and apologised that their children had to die in order for me to live. I felt very numb as I gave the speech. I had to eat dinner with the victor from the districts every night. Luckily Beetee knew them all and most of the victor I met on tour understood my slight withdrawal every now and then.

I liked Haymitch the victor from 12 very much. He said things straight to you and I respected him for that. We bonded over a shared cynicism I had gain after my games. I might have gotten better, but that did not mean I did not despise the capitol for putting me through it. He also introduced me to the wonders of drinking. It was nice to feel a little free and forget your problems. While I did get scolded the day after by my style team. I did not care, I liked the feeling. Beetee warned me that I could develop a habit but I assured him I could keep it under control. Or at least I tried to.

I liked most of the victors I had met through the tour, as we moved to districts where I had actually killed their tribute, I could barely look at their family. I could see their hurt and angry eyes. I understood, I had killed their son or daughter. It was not fair that I got to live and not them.

I also woke all of the train every night when I woke up either yelling or screaming. Beetee like back home, came and comforted me. Cradled me when I was rocking back and forth. Told me it was not real.

If it was under different circumstances I might have gotten a scolding from the capitol stylists or Tiffy for waking them every night. But they somehow never mentioned it. Either they had some respect for what I was going through, or someone most likely Cinna or Beetee had scolded them if they tried.

I dreaded going to district four. I had to face Charlies family. On the way too town-hall Beetee tried to comfort me.

"I already discussed it with the others. And after dinner you get to honour your promise and go down to the sea." He said and I nodded.

I was looking forward to that. I felt pretty good about it. I wanted to honour Charlie, I wanted to do right by her.

But up until there it was gonna be the hardest district to talk to. Everything felt like it was going in slow-motion as I was welcomed on stage. I saw the other Victors sitting to the side. I then looked up to see a big picture of Charlie. I felt like crying then and there. I saw her brother and sister and parents. They looked so sad, I wanted to comfort them, but I had no idea how. I also got a weird feeling, they all looked sadly up at me. But not angry. Why weren't they angry? I had accidentally killed their daughter. They should be furious. They should hate me. I did not deserve the look they game me. They should despise me. I hated myself for it, they should too.

I gave the speech, like I was supposed to, but I actually did mean everything when I talked about Charlie. I ended it by looked at their sad face and telling them how sorry I was. There was a small but comforting smile on her mothers face. It would never make up for it, but I felt better them knowing how sorry I was.

I walked into dinner in yet another dress. Today Cinna had spiced things up with a dark blue dress. But thankfully I still had my leather jacket and boots. I greeted an elderly lady who was called Mags. She did not talk much but she was very kind. The way she was around me, I imagined that what it was like to have a grandmother. My father had been disowned for marrying my mother, and therefore wanted nothing to do with me. My mothers family I had no knowledge of either. What I also liked about her, she knew when to comfort me. Every time the district 4 escort was a little too capitol mannered and said something about the games. I felt her hand on mine gently telling me it was gonna be okay.

Finnick was not around, in the capitol on business apparently. I had no idea what business he had, he could just live off his winnings. But I payed no further attention to it. We ate and talked lightly. I actually enjoyed it this evening. While I still preferred my not so well mannered boys and Loke's not so fancy cooking. They had managed to keep it simple and not as fancy as you would expect of a career district.

After dinner we all took a walk around town and then down to the beach.

Beetee smiled kindly at me as we walked there. The sea and beach looked much different from I had expected. The sand was cold and dark, but I liked the sensation of it in my hands. The sea was loud and I liked the way the dark crashed in with white foam. I walked closer to it the darkness was contrasted with the total clearness of it.

I could see myself in the reflection of the sea. I looked much older than I had before, tired almost.

From behind me I heard Mags who had started humming. I reached out to touch the water. It was much colder than I expected, I had no idea why I expected that. However it did feel nice on my skin.

I enjoyed the sensation, the slight music from behind me. Sitting there, looking out at the sea, for the first time in a very long time, I felt at peace. I felt like I at least for a little while could let go of it all.

I could only close my eyes for a moment, once I opened them it hit me harder than before. I looked at my reflection but suddenly all I could see was Charlie with a stake in her stomach. I slapped the water to make it go away. I also just now noticed it was the song I had sung for her that Mags was humming. Once I crawled away from the water I had just smacked horrified Beetee was at my side immediately. He hugged me and shushed me telling me that it was okay. Mags also came over and tried to comfort me. I knew she had meant nothing by humming that song, but I could do nothing but start crying then and there. If it had been under any other circumstances I would have been embarrassed that I had cried in front of all these people. But right now I did not care. I had killed people for their amusement, they could watch me cry about it afterwards.

Eventually they calmed me down and we left the beach. I could hear the escort from here and the major walk behind us, talking slowly about how "uncanny" and "Overdramatic a reaction that was." I as about to turn around and smack them. They had no idea what I was going through, they should not try and patronise me. Beetee noticed my change from sad to angry but pulled me further looking back at them harshly. I knew I would get into a lot of trouble if I had smack him or something. But it did not make me want to do it any less. I was still a little angry when we got back to the train and went into the gym and started beating a boxing pillow till I was literally about the collapse on the floor. How dare they think of me as weak, I cried for one of their tributes. It only made my disdain for the capitol grow. It was also kind of nice, both this feeling of exhaustion, but also anger. At least I was feeling something other than numb and sadness. Anger felt really good right now.

I was a little happy when we had to go to district 2. When we were leaving district 4 I hugged Mags goodbye who padded my head gently. I was sad to see her go, but she said that she would see me as a mentor next year. To which I smiled and nodded. I politely shook the hands of the major and the escort from four before going into the train. Beetee smiled at me and padded my shoulder.

"You're doing great kiddo. Only two districts left. Then the capitol, and then home." He said and I nodded smiling slightly.

Thankfully this was finally about to be over. I was tired of dresses, having to give a speech each day, and having to eat that fancy food every night.

I was also thankful that I never again had to look at all those families whose children had to die in order for me to live.

I went to bed just wanting to get the next three days over-with. I went to sleep in the comfortable bed on the train.

I was running in the forrest laughing with someone. Suddenly I had a knife in my hand, but instead of stabbing some tribute I did not even know the name of I was stabbing Beetee. I yelled to myself to stop. He said nothing he just lied there. I could not stop but why was I doing it. Then it turned into that girl I had spared the first day, but she had not been as lucky the next. I saw the light fade from her eyes.

Suddenly I was sat there bloody knife in hand. There as no body beneath me, however all of those people I had killed, their families. They gathered around me blood still visible on some of them.

They kept asking me, how I could have done it, why I had killed them.

I kept telling them that I was sorry.

I was yelling how sorry I was when Beetee came in and finally was able to wake me. He hugged me as I cried silently for a little while.

"I understand, I get them all of the time too. Nobody blames you." He said gently.

Once I had calmed down and he made sure I was okay. He left me to try and sleep again. I knew I would probably be up again in a few hours. Either from having to actually get up or another night terror. But I did my best to sleep, I needed to be well rested. Some things they could not cover with make up.