In order to understand why James is like he is, this chapter talks a little about his past but also about what he's thinking after Dani tells him that Rachel has feelings for him.

Chapter 10

Rachel cared about him. Since Dani had floored him with that comment earlier in the day,during her epic smack down of him; James hadn't been able to get her out of his head. Admittedly, Rachel was generally in his thoughts most of the time recently, but it was different now; thinking about her in a way that he had been frightened to face up to. I care about her too.

Until this morning, he had managed to convince himself, or try to convince himself that Rachel was just a friend; he only cared about her as a friend. He'd been smitten with her from the moment they met as she helped him in the diner kitchen, but it had been easy to pass that off as I enjoy spending time with her as friends. Until recently he had done a good job of keeping anything else he felt for her out of his head.

Rachel was his friend, of course he cared for her; maybe a little, a lot, more than he did about any of his other friends but as he sat there on the couch transfixed by his thoughts; a single question popped into his head, Why did it matter so much about the fact she apparently has deeper feelings than that about him?

Because she's more than a friend; so much more than a friend and you know that you feel that way too. James sighed as he thought to himself.

It had started off as friendship with Rachel; really it had. He hadn't gotten into that friendship with the aim of sleeping with her, unlike the other girls he had known while in New York; Rachel had represented something good in his life, a person he could talk to and enjoy spending time with as friends.Her view on the world was beautiful, the positive outlook she had on everything and that unique theatrical personality of hers was something he'd found refreshing; he'd been drawn to her because she was so different, because she was just this perfect thing.

He'd felt real anger and a strange sense of a need to protect her when she'd told him about Brody, the fucking douchebag. How could anyone have hurt her? Rachel was perfect, she was this amazing girl and James couldn't understand how Brody hadn't seen that and done what he'd done. There were other ways to get money but instead the fucking douchebag had done something hurt Rachel.

James knew that he didn't really have room to judge Brody, after all he was hardly the poster child for celibacy; but there was just something so infuriating about what Brody had done, he had hurt someone as perfect and pure as Rachel. As she'd stood there telling him about what Brody did to her, he'd wanted to gather her up in his arms and never let her go; to keep her safe from the world.

He'd done a lot of horrible shit in the last four years, and James was very aware of what his lifestyle was; how much of an asshole it made him look like. He'd moved past letting what people think of him bother him, but when he'd met Rachel; something strange had happened.

When he'd told Rachel, James had expected her to judge him; to hate him because he was exactly like Brody in his eyes. But Rachel hadn't done that; she hadn't judged him. James knew that she wasn't exactly pleased that he slept around and drunk too much; she saw past it and saw who hereally was and wanted to be his friend regardless.

It touched him that Rachel was able to see past the personality he'd molded for himself in that last four years and truly see who he was underneath. Rachel called him a kind, caring good person and it meant more to him than he could ever tell her. Dani had been the only other person who had been able to do that and for reason, some strange unexplainable reason; it made him want to be a better person, a person deserving of Rachel's friendship.

They spent more time together as the weeks went on, getting to know each other; building a true friendship and he couldn't remember a time when he'd been happier. James loved that for the first time in a long time, he was having a positive effect on someone; gladly seeing how she blossomed, growing in confidence as they spent more time together and James loved watching as she seemed happier and happier; she'd even begun to stand up herself and he couldn't have been more proud of her. He wasn't exactly proud of his swearing rubbing off on her but if meant that she didn't let people push her about any more, he was more than willing for it to be the case.

James felt himself opening up as well, for the first time in four years, to someone who wasn't Dani. There was just something about Rachel that made him feel at ease, as if he could trust another person again. He'd lived the last four years of his life depending on no-one but himself and Dani, but being around Rachel made him feel so at ease and safe that he didn't mind making himself vulnerable. Not to her.

He'd always been protective of himself and his feelings, but there had been a time during High School where he was open with more than two people. Of course outside of his friends he acted like a tough guy, he was a fucking star on the football team in high school and he was one of the most popular guys around. People knew not to mess with him or he'd fuck you up; but if you were cool with him, he would be cool with you; no matter who you were.

In New York, James trusted only himself and Dani; Rachel if you count in the last three months. He had plenty of friends but truly of those, there were only three people who he really trusted. Cobi was one of them but even him, who he'd known for ten years, was someone he was wary of opening up to; even if they'd known each other for so long, James was wary about letting him too close.

James wasn't proud of his lifestyle, he was very aware of how people around him looked at it; Dani hated what he did and he knew she wished he would stop the drinking and the one night stands. He'd always appreciated how much she tried to look after him, she really was like a sister to him and while he tried to keep her happy; something had changed in him and he just couldn't help himself from filling that void of happiness that had arisen with meaningless flings.

He was very aware of the fact that his parents knew about his lifestyle and James knew that they hated it. His parents had brought him up to have a respect for woman and to treat them right and he had done for a long time in his life. 17 year old James would have called 22 year old him a fucking asshole and tried to kick some sense into him. But 17 year old James didn't know the shit that older him did.

Ever since he was 15, James had been very aware of the attention he got from girls. In High School when he had been popular; the reward being that he'd had girls wanting him. He'd turned down all of them; he wasn't brought up to treat woman as play things, both his mom and dad had drilled that into him.

Chris and Allison Richards had been married since they were twenty and had never split in the thirty odd years they'd been together. His father was an extremely successful investment banker in New York and despite that, had always stayed faithful to his wife even with the fact she was at home in Boston with their two sons; he never used it as an excuse to cheat.

He'd always looked up to his Dad; how could any guy not? His Dad was a fucking legend. Worked hard to pay himself through college and made it big as an investment banker, making a fortune and a name for himself along the way. He was an idol to his sons, especially James who he took to every Patriot game; home and away. James grew up with the ideals drilled into him; work hard and be loyal to the woman you love. These were the key principles that Chris Richards based his success on.

Apparently somewhere along the way, Scott Richards forgot about everything their father had taught them as boys and that had been the reason James had started to change.

Scott was five years older and until James has turned eleven, the two brothers had been close. Things had started to fall apart between them about the time Scott was in High school.

James didn't know if it was the fact that Scott never wanted to be like their Dad; that was his role, James the son that would follow in their fathers footsteps, the favourite son. Scott was never as popular as he was, he was a troublemaker in school; someone who used his father's wealth to deem himself better than everyone else. James hated that and despite the fact he was from money, never used it to put people down; he worked hard to create his reputation and earn the respect of his peers. James knew that Scott was jealous of him, but they were brothers right? Brothers didn't fuck up their siblings lives.

In his life, James had loved one girl; Natalie Carter. She'd been his high school sweetheart; a cheerleader, but not your typical bitchy self-obsessed girl that most of the others seemed to be. Natalie had been caring, she'd been incredibly smart and James loved the fact they could sit together and talk for hours about the state of the country or global affairs. She was as smart and as aware of everything as she had been beautiful. James thought that he'd found his soul mate and the two of them were going to move to New York, go to college together; maybe get married after graduation and live happily ever after. That had all come falling down one day in his senior year when everything he'd thought he'd known about how life should be had come crashing down thanks to the one person he thought he'd be able to count upon not to fuck up his life.

He'd gone home from football practise and heard moaning coming from upstairs. Mom and Dad were in New York at some conference and he'd invited Natalie to stay over for the week. He could still remember how his heart had pounded in his chest as he'd ascended the steps and walked towards his bedroom as the noise got louder. Clenching his jaw, James had opened the door and found himself looking at the single most horrifying thing he'd ever seen; his girlfriend, his Natalie on all fours being fucked by his brother Scott. James had stood there, unable to move for several seconds until his Natalie had saw him standing there and had screamed out in surprise. She'd pulled away from Scott quickly and wrapped her body up in his quilt as she tried to explain but all James could see was the smirking face of his brother sat on his bed.

James hadn't even looked at her as he turned and walked out of the house, barely recognising Natalie's crying sobs as he left that house and got into his car, driving away as fast as he could.

James had spent hours sitting in a park, watching the lake as the ducks swam around; letting his tears dry out as his world came crashing down around him. It hurt him, so so fucking badly to be betrayed like that by the two people who were supposed to be closest to him than any other. His heart broke at knowing the girl who he loved, who he had thought was his soul mate and just cast him aside.

As he sat there, he assured himself that he was never going to let anybody hurt him like that ever again. Nobody was ever going to have that ability to crush him completely and utterly; no one would get as close to him, aside from Dani, ever again.

When he'd finally managed to stop crying; Dani had found him. She'd heard what had happened by a sobbing Natalie who had asked his best friend to check he hadn't done something reckless in anger. Dani had come and sat with him and hugged him tightly to her body as he started crying again; just like he had done so many times, she was being strong for him.

Dani was the only person he talked to about that day and what he saw, though it didn't take long for it to travel around school. He didn't speak to Natalie aside from telling her they were done and spend the rest of his senior year making sure that nothing could hurt him. Dani was the only person he could trust not to hurt him and that was how it was going to stay. He hadn't hit Scott, he hadn't even seen his brother until a couple years later when they'd been brought together for a family reunion for their cousins wedding. Despite what had happened, James had never hit his brother; he wanted to show, to prove, that he was the better man.

He'd graduated later that year top of his class; MVP for the state championship game, Valedictorian and heading off with a scholarship to NYU. His friends went to different parts of the country, only Cobi going with him to New York and Dani had made him promise to be good. James had smiled and nodded at her, saying he would; but even he didn't know how things would turn out.

...

Like he'd said earlier, James had always gotten the attention of girls; but there was just something about being in this city away from what had happened back home that meant he couldn't resist the temptation. After what had happened, he loved the attention and indulged completely in drinking and fucking all these girls that essentially threw themselves at him. It became a sport at first, between him and his new friends to see who could sleep with the most girls in their freshmen year and after that; it just become "their thing" to continue doing it.

He'd tried to cut down on the drinking since he'd known Rachel. Like he said, there was something about her that made him want to try and be a better person; someone worthy to be friends with someone as perfect as she was to him. James had cut down his drinking, rather than getting drunk most night; he only went out with his friends two or three times a week. He started spending more time with the three from Ohio, letting Dani convince him to come over with her and he loved the fact that Rachel beamed at him, that beautiful huge fucking grin she wore every time she saw him at the apartment. It made him feel special.

He'd been aware of the fact that things had maybe started to move past friends with her, albeit vaguely. They held hands, and she would sit and cuddle next to him. Alright maybe he was the one to cuddle next to her, but honestly it felt right to be close to her. He wasn't aware of just how far things had moved until she'd come to him that day and told him what Brody had said about her; he'd felt fucking infuriated that the douchebag could say that about Rachel and he had been ready to do the bastard serious harm. Then she'd broke down in tears again and he promised to himself that he would try his hardest to never see her hurt again; he would do whatever it took to make sure Rachel was happy. Then she'd kissed him.

He'd thought about pushing her away for a split second, before it hit him just how right it felt to have her lips touching his and he hadn't been able to stop himself from kissing her back. He'd kissed a lot of girls, but not anything as amazingly perfect as what he felt in that short few moments with Rachel. James was very suddenly aware of the fact that they had crossed a line and honestly, he wasn't sure he wanted them to go back even if they could.

But how could he be with Rachel? Despite how he'd started to feel about her, how he'd opened up to her; he was very aware of the fact that he was a fucking asshole and she was too good for him. Rachel was perfect, and he was anything but that; he could risk hurting her, he couldn't hurt her. He had these feelings for her, but he didn't know if he could let himself act on them.

Letting out a frustrated groan, James threw himself onto the couch and led on his back; trying to get some sleep but not being able to get Rachel out of his head.

..….

Later that day and he's in a bar. This is the same fucking thing he always does when he's got a problem; Drink. He spent the best part of the day in that fucking apartment, letting his thoughts linger on her and it was doing his head in. He'd argued with himself about whether or not he could himself admit these feelings for her and when Cobi had called asking him to go drinking, he couldn't say no; he needed to relief some stress.

He's very aware it's a fucking stupid idea and he should have gone to speak to Rachel about it but fuck, all he knows is that things seem easier when he's got about five drinks in his system, laughing and fucking about with his buddies. Speaking of buddies; where the fuck is Cobi? He hasn't seen the bastard in about twenty minutes as he stands at the bar drinking a glass of whiskey; its strong and right now he needed it to get his mind of her.

"You come here often?"

James hears a sweet voice next to him, turning his head and sees the smiling face of a pretty red head. She's standing right next to him and he runs his eyes over her, silently judging whether or not she's worth the time.

He really is a fucking asshole when it comes to girls; but she's hot and judging by what she's wearing and how she's standing; she wants one thing. He runs his eyes over the tight little dress that she's wearing, lingering at the plunging neck line that shows off her sizeable cleavage. Whoever she is, judging by the way she's leant to one side to shows off her body, he knows that she knows exactly how hot she is.

James can't help the smirk that crosses his face as he feels her other hand gently moving over his waist at the top of his jeans while he stands leaning against the bar.

Another Friday night, Another hot girl wanting a hook up He thinks to himself as he picks up his scotch and downs the rest of it, licking his bottom lip as he maintains eye contact with her. When her eyes dart to his lips, James smirk returns. This really is too easy sometimes.

"I might do" He said playfully towards the latest girl that was hitting on him. When she smiled at him, he extended his hand and introduced himself, knowing she'd love the gentlemanly act. "I'm James"

Perfect He thought to himself as she blushed a little before taking his hand and shaking it softly; "Rebecca"

"Would you like a drink, Rebecca?" He asks, leaning forwards slightly as he moves his hand up her arm, stilling just next to her elbow. There's a voice in his head but it's overwhelmed by the fucking whiskey he's been drinking and its little more than a whisper.

"That depends if you have one with me" She teases, biting her lip at him flirtatiously.

"With a beautiful girl like you?" He asks, squeezing her arm gently while he smirks at her again. "Try and Stop me. What would you like?"

"A vodka and coke" She replies.

James turns to the barman and orders her drink along with a beer for himself. After he pays he turns back and smiles at her. "What are you doing here in New York then Rebecca?"

"I'm a musical theatre student at NYADA" She replies, taking a sip of her drink as the barman puts them down in front of them.

James who was halfway to putting the bottle to his mouth, freezes for a second; the smile dropping off his face as he hears a familiar description. Gulping, he finishes the action and takes a drink; licking his lips as he looks at this gorgeous red head again, feeling his mind being drawn to another certain musical theatre student.

"Singer or Dancer?" He asks, smiling weakly as he tries to push her out of his thoughts. That was the whole reason he came out tonight, to get drunk and free the pressure of his mind. Instead he's got the voice in the back of his head trying to drag him away from the bar and towards her.

"Dancer" She replies, biting her lip again. "What about you?"

"NYU; Economics major" He says, trying to stop the pressure building in his head; telling him how wrong this is. He's done this plenty of times why is so hard this time? "I'm actually graduating in a few weeks"

"Really?" She asks, shifting her body closer to him. He nods at her and she smiles shyly. "So I might not see you around in a few weeks?"

He smirks again, this isn't the first time that a girl has reacted like that when he's told her he'll be graduating; the idea that the guy chatting them up is leaving town is apparently a huge turn on for some girls. A chance to be one of the last bits of enjoyment they have in the city. "Maybe not. This might be the only time we see each other"

She licks her lip and James watches as her eyes drift down his body again. After a few seconds they return to meet his gaze as he stares at her smiling. Rebecca leans closer to him, her breathe on his ear as she whispers "Maybe we should go somewhere a bit quieter and really get to know each other"

James grins and breathes in through his nose, ready to tell her that he's more than willing to go somewhere, anywhere else with her and "get to know each other". The idea that she's a performer turns him on a lot as he remembers the times he's had sex with dancers and just how flexible they can be. That all leaves his mind the moment he smells her hair for the first time. It's so familiar that it causes him to freeze as the smell of berries drift through his nostrils; the exact same scent that Rachel's hair has, he'd recognize it anywhere.

What the fuck am I doing…you can't go with this girl; remember what Dani told you this morning. Closing his eyes, James takes a deep breath to control himself from letting tears fall from his eyes at the fact he's doing something so stupid.

"You okay?" He hears Rebecca's voice again and it snaps his attention back to the present.

"Yeah, sorry I'm fine"

"You look like you could really use to go somewhere quieter"

"Not tonight" He replies gripping the bar a little tighter. "I'm sorry"

"Alright…" She says and he can tell she's disappointed. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah" He hates himself a little bit right now, leading her on with every intention of doing this girl; until he had smelled that fucking amazing smelling shampoo that she fucking uses. Fuck her seriously.

"Why don't I give you my number; who knows we might see each other again?"

"Sure" He smiles slightly, taking the piece of paper from her and sliding it into his pocket. Leaning forward, he squeezes her arm "Thanks for the drink"

He doesn't wait to hear what she says, instead turning and walking quickly towards the bar door; desperate to get some air. Pushing the doors open he takes a deep breath before heading towards the curb and sitting down, holding his head in his hands.

FUCK, FUCK ,FUCK, FUCK. FUCK! He screams in his head, pounding his forehead against his clenched fists. Why the fuck did he have to be so affected by her fucking smell. All he wanted was to come get drunk and fuck some girl so that he didn't have to think about her.

Because you want it to be her. He thinks to himself, digging his knuckles into his forehead. Why did Dani have to tell him that she fucking likes him. Things were great between him and Rachel; they're really, really, really fucking good friends and he was fine with that; he was fine with being fucking ignorant of how he feels about her. She had to fucking kiss him and then looked at him with fucking adorable smile of hers.

He didn't have to worry about hurting her while they were still friends. Sure he'd realised that in the last few weeks there was something else between them; he felt a draw to her, that maybe he wanted to be something more than friends but he could ignore that, he was more than happy to just be friends and care about her without worrying about what it could mean.

Sure it had been a simple kiss; but it had felt so good. It felt as though he was meant to kiss her, that everything was right as they had shared a short kiss in that fucking diner. That's where everything had started to get fucked up, that stupid diner; he'd met a really sweet girl and ever since all he could think about was how fucking amazing a girl Rachel was. He knew that she had a little crush on him, she'd look at him all beaming and happy and shit that was obviously more than friendly but he didn't see anything wrong with that. The fact now that he knew she liked him, or at least Dani thought she did was driving him crazy.

"Dani could be wrong"He murmurs to himself quietly, clenching his eyes shut. He feels someone sit down next to him on the curb as a thought drifts through his mind; you know she's not; you know what you want.

"Where you been?" He asks, staring at Cobi who is smirking at him.

"Chatting some girl up" Cobi replies "Don't pretend you were missing me"

"Me miss you? You wish asshole"

"What the fuck are you doing out here" James looked up at Cobi's amused expression.

"Thinking" He replied clenching his jaw.

"Thinking? Dude that hot red head was totally gonna let you nail her and you're out here thinking?" Cobi said chuckling gently. "What the fuck is wrong with you"

"I got a lot on my mind alright, so ease up on the fucking inquisition" He groaned resting his head against one of his clenched fists again.

"It's that Rachel chick right?"

"What?" He asks, eyes snapping to his best friends. Cobi smirks at him and raises his eyebrows pointedly. Cobi is a fucking asshole….but at least he knows me well enough

"Come on Dude, I saw you with her yesterday" Cobi replies with that stupid fucking grin on his face. "You're into her"

"Fuck you, no I'm not"

"You're so full of shit dude" Cobi said rolling his eyes. "Come on man, level with me"

"Fine; yeah it is" He sighs,

"You fuck her?"

"No"

"But you want to?" Cobi asks, smirking.

He can't really argue the point or tell Cobi to fuck off. He has definitely thought about it, probably too many times since he's known Rachel. Sure she's like, one of his best friends, but without a doubt; Rachel is still an incredibly beautiful girl who has an amazing body. The image of what she could do with her mouth, or with her hands and what her body would feel like has definitely been a source of comfort over the past few weeks. Instead of denying it, James closes his eyes and nods his head.

"So go fuck her"

"I can't" He replies, still keeping his eyes closed.

"Why the fuck not?"

"Because I care about her; I want more than that but I can't" He says, opening his eyes and turning to face Cobi's bewildered face. "She's one of my best friends"

"So? What does that have to do with it?" Cobi asks. James hates to admit it, but maybe he's right; just because they're friends doesn't mean he can't be with her. Plenty of couples start off as friends, right?

James looks forward again, staring at the street as he bites his lip while he thinks. He's had sex with plenty of "friends" before today, and nothing bad has happened because of it; sure a couple of girls don't talk to him now because they wanted a relationship and not just a hook up but there isn't really anything stopping him. You fucking care about her idiot; that's why you don't want to, you'll think you'll hurt her and ruin anything that you could have with her.

"I think I'm falling for her" He admits quietly a few minutes later.

"Holy shit; you love this girl?"

"I don't fucking know alright" He snaps, raising his voice. Cobi raises an eyebrow at him and James just sighs. "I don't want to hurt her"

"Why would you hurt her?" Cobi asks, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Because we both know how much of an asshole I am; I'd fuck up and have sex with some girl one night when I get drunk and I…." James explains, breaking off as he feels tears coming to his eyes. "I can't hurt her, I can't"

That's the real reason I can't even think about talking to Rachel about how I feel, or how she might feel about me. I'm a fucking screw up and despite how much I might care about her…I'd end up breaking her heart.

"You weren't always an asshole" Cobi replies after a couple of minutes "Maybe you don't have to be like this anymore"

"What are you saying?" He laughs. "That the love of a good woman might make an honest man out of me?"

"Maybe Dude" Cobi says with a smile, squeezing James arm. "All I know is, you should talk to Rachel; obviously you care about her a hell of a lot. Or at least talk to Dani"

"Dani says the feelings are mutual" He admits in a soft voice again.

"Do you believe her?"

"I don't know dude" He replies, sighing. James wants to believe Dani, wants to believe that Rachel cares about him because he's really sure that he feels that way about her. The problem is him, he's can't be the reason that Rachel ends up getting hurt; he's not sure he could ever live with hurting her.

"You know what I know?" Cobi says, standing up from his seat next to James on the curb. "We're acting like a pair of pussies talking about our feelings; we're going to go inside and get fucked wasted. Alright?"

James can't help but laugh, clasping Cobi's hand as his friends help him stand up. "Thanks Dude"

"Don't mention it; come on, first rounds on me" James can only smirk as he follows him back into the bar, shoving his hand into his pocket; feeling the piece of paper that girl gave to him earlier.

…..

Don't hate me! This chapter explains a little what James is feeling; how confused he is about not only Rachel but about letting himself feel this way again and why he is so reluctant to feel that way about her.