The chapters are short and pretty uneventful, but I hope that two chapters in two(?) days will be good enough anyway.
Next chapter, things will probably start rolling a bit more. Don't know when I can get that one up and running, though.

Until then.

Chapter Ten
The Fine Art of Breathing

X

Fuck.

That was the only word repeated in Boris' head. It was all he could think of, as well as the only thing needed to be said. And it was a good word too. In just four letters you could describe the state he was in when he awoke the next morning.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

The food Rei had made yesterday had tasted like he imagined God's would. Coming back the way it came though, was another story. The hot spices he enjoyed just hours before were now like grating irons against his throat, and he wasn't sure if the blood was from that or from the acids. It stung like hell though, and his stomach was cramping from trying to turn itself inside out so much it stuck like that.

Tears dripped down his eyelashes but through the blurry vision he could still see the vomit glare angrily back at him. It wasn't a bright red colour this time, but instead an almost blackened shade of crimson. He gagged between the breaths, the nausea coming on in leaps an bounds.

It wasn't because of a hangover, though. He'd been sober the previous night an that, he suspected, was the main villain in the ordeal. This was something he was used to. Going too long without his drug – or even sometimes as a side effect of the pills – he would spend the day by the toilet seat. Either vomiting his bones out or having terrible, explosive diarrhea.

Yeah. Being Boris Kuznetsov was not as great as one might first think.

And as a bonus, his body had given him a massive headache. If his stomach didn't explode, he was sure his head was going to. Which was quite a shame, actually. He didn't think Rei would be too happy to clean Boris-splatter off his shiny walls. Boris only hoped he hadn't woken the man up with his extreme heaving and pained groans.

If he was quick about this he might just be able to get rid of the stench of stomach contents before the other got up.

Crinkling his nose and snorting back the snot into his nose, he steadied himself on the porcelain, not trusting his shaking legs to carry him. The Russian spat in the basin, flushed the toilet and turned the faucet on. He let it run as he just couldn't gather the energy to wash his face just yet. The most hygienic thing would be to take a shower in bleach.

Fuck.

Groaning again, out of exhaustion this time, he eventually started to move. But he only had to cast one look at the mockingly gawking toilet to abandon the idea of washing anything altogether. The smell would have to stay. Besides, if he was going to shack up with Rei this was guaranteed to become a regular event. The sooner Rei got used to the smell, the better. Eventually it was just going to be impossible to get out. Or perhaps he had been hallucinating that too.

This was insane. How had things gone so wrong so quickly? He almost wanted to laugh at his own bizarre stupidity. At one time he had thought he could control this. No, he didn't have a problem. He was fine, he could manage himself. So what if his liver failed? He could take care of himself. Boris wasn't an alcoholic, he just liked to drink and he had no problem doing so.

Fuck, he was so stupid.

If his current state was the definition of control, he did not want to imagine what a situation without it would look like. Sighing he soon slithered back into bed almost as if boneless. This wasn't even sane anymore. It was too late for him to keep the blindfold on. This couldn't continue. It just couldn't.

It wasn't normal to throw up every third or so days. It especially wasn't normal to throw up blood. To not know if the food he ate would stay inside of him for an entire hour. To see and hear things that weren't real. The murderous headaches. The cramps that made him want to jump in front of a moving truck. To forget days or how he ended up in one place instead of another. He was acting like a schizophrenic, demented 90-year-old.

Whatever greatness he ever thought himself to withhold, it wasn't evident in any of that.

No. Boris wasn't a winner anymore. He was a loser. A messed up wreck who was so far out of line he wasn't even on the map. His life was destroyed. His body was decaying. His brain was giving up on him, and he wasn't even thirty yet. The thought that came next was one he'd blocked out for months, even years. He didn't want to listen to it as it was the final blow to his pride that he couldn't afford. Boris squinted through the dots of light before his eyes, trying to see through the haze of pain and the person lying there.

Rei lay quiet, his breathing slow as if asleep. It seemed peaceful and for a moment Boris felt a sting of jealousy because of that.

Damn it. The stupid voice in his head was right. He'd lost Rei once because he couldn't admit his own mistakes. Now when there was the slimmest chance of redemption, he didn't want to let it slip away again. He couldn't. He wouldn't. Not after all they'd been through. It was time to finally face the brutal truth.

He needed help.

Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Just about to try to sleep again, he instantly felt the squeezing push in his abdomen. Rushing out of bed quicker than a blink, he took half of the bed with him as he rushed out the door. Rei sat up immediately as his covers got ripped away from him and in turn – being tangled in them – dragged him out of bed. Landing on the floor with a loud thud and a lot of pain, his brain couldn't compute what was going on.

When he heard the sounds of retching though, the pieces fell into place.

Begrudgingly, he managed to climb up to his feet and despite the brave attempts his sheets made to trip him, he got out of the room alive and relatively unscathed. Treading on light feet he entered the bathroom, stopping in the doorway at first since he didn't know if he dared go in there just yet. If Boris noticed him or not it didn't show. The man was busy gripping the toilet seat like he wanted to rip it out of the floor, his spine sharp and ugly as the stark bathroom light made it look even more protruding.

Then Boris said something. But it was broken and incoherent as it got drowned in the new flood of spewing. Rei frowned.

''What?''

The Russian coughed up the rest, breathing heavily.

''I said'' he croaked. ''Good morning''

Rei couldn't quite hold back the bitter smile at that.

''Do you want me to call the doctor?''

Boris shook his head.

''No, I think that was the last of it. There was no food in it, at least.''

''Are you sure?''

Boris wiped his mouth and got up. He looked so weak flushing the toilet it made the worry in Rei's face stand out too much to be able to hide. The Russian stretched slowly, then turned sluggishly to look at the other.

''Yeah. Dr. Prick says it's normal.''

Rei rolled his eyes at the nickname.

''Why do you hate him so much?''

''I just don't like him. He's shifty.''

Boris' narrowed his eyes while Rei raised his brows.

''Shifty?''

''Yeah. And he's always given you strange looks.''

The Chinese's smile grew just an inch.

''You're jealous?''

Boris just looked at him. He didn't feel up to talking about this, even teasing felt like too much work. So he just let out a deep, brittle breath and started dragging himself to the door. All the while Rei kept his worried eyes on him, frowning in what could have been fear. He put a hand on the Russian's wrist just as they were next to each other. It took a while, but eventually Boris turned his head towards him, giving him a questioning look.

''Are you...'' Rei hesitated for a second. ''Alright?''

The grey haired man just gave him an ugly smile. Rei always hated when he smiled, since he never did it out of joy. And it always made the situation even sicker.

''No, kitten. I'm not.''

He then proceeded to leave the room only to disappear back into the bedroom again. He needed rest if he was going to survive this day. At least, if he pulled through there was a chance that maybe tomorrow would be easier. Rei considered going after him, but wanted to make some tea first. It wasn't much, but he had one brand that was supposed to calm upset stomachs. Yes, it was meager. But at least he tried.

As he was rummaging through the kitchen for the needed items, he could hear his cell phone ring. Rei leaned his head back with a sigh. The phone had been quiet for days, he'd really been hoping they'd stopped harassing him by now. But maybe it was stupid of him to hope.

Still, having nothing to do while the kettle was boiling he moved over to pick the thing up. He needed to call his boss anyway, to explain why he wasn't going to work. Which didn't need much explanation if the man owned a television, but it was important for Rei to tell the story in his own words. What struck him as odd though was that for once a familiar number flashed on the display. Quickly, even if a bit sceptically, Rei answered.

''Rei Kon''

''Uh, hullo Rei. It's me, James from – ''

''I know who you are, James. Is everything all right?''

There were no reasons he could think of for the man to call him. They had no friendship like relationship, and as far as James knew Boris was living on his own so it couldn't be anything about that. So the only thing left Rei could really come up with, was for something bad to happen. Feeling his heart sink he anxiously awaited the answer.

''Oh, yes, yes!'' but to his surprise, James didn't sound like he carried any bad news at all. ''Actually I wanted to see if you were up for a job''

Rei frowned. Okay. So this took a strange turn.

''A job?''

He could almost see the man nod enthusiastically at this.

''Yes! Well, I heard you work with holding certain seminars?''

''I'm... listening.''

''Well'' James laughed a bit modestly, but carried on. ''What do you think about coming here, to the AA I mean, and hold one for our therapy session?''

Rei opened his mouth but had a hard time finding the words. It was safe to say this was unexpected, and he felt surprised. But pleasantly so, and he was quick to smile.

''Sure, James. I'd be happy to.'

''Oh, great! When will you be able to swing by?''

''Well... whenever, I suppose. I've not got much to do around here.''

James was quiet for a moment, then gave out a thoughtful sound.

''Ah, mm. Yes. I heard about that. I'm sorry the press is being a bunch of blood thirsty jerks as usual. Hope it's not too hard on you.''

''Thank you for your concern. But don't worry. I've got good friends to help me.''

And saying that out loud drew some light into his chest, and breathing was suddenly a lot easier. It was true. Even if life was a major suckfest at the moment, he did have great people around him. Even if they were few, and his losses were many, he had something good. And that was more than most people.

''That's something to hold on to, right there.''

Rei smiled.

''Yeah.''

Then there was silence again. And not just any silence, but the kind where one person is trying to build up the courage to ask something very personal. Rei knew what it was going to be even before James managed to spit it out.

''And uh... how is... uh... How's Boris?''

As on cue, Rei could hear the Russian rush to the bathroom again.

''Not...'' he bit his lip. ''Not good. He just keeps throwing up.''

''Is he drunk?''

There was almost a hopeful inquiry to the question, and he seemed to draw a breath of relief when Rei answered.

''No. I think it's the abstinence.''

''Well, then that's sort of good. Have you spoken to a doctor about it?''

''Yeah, and I thought the pills he's receiving for the addiction were supposed to help but...''

''Alcohol is one of the hardest things to get clean from. His body is just reacting to the abuse. This is normal. Just make sure you keep him as comfortable as possible.''

''But I'm worried... he's lost a lot of weight.''

The sounds of vomiting ended as quickly as they started, but Boris was yet to get out of the bathroom. Noticing the kettle was warm, Rei started preparing the tea, holding the phone between his shoulder and head until his neck hurt.

''He's bound to. Just hang in there and, well... you know where I am.''

''Thank you'' and he really meant it, it was a certain sort of bliss to know that whatever happened all doors weren't closed on you.

''It's okay Rei. You need to talk to. It's not just the addict who needs help dealing with things.''

''I know. But I've got that handled.''

Crap. He needed to call Dr. Peony too. He didn't even want to imagine what she was thinking since he hadn't turned up to their latest sessions. In all the stress he just hadn't had the time to inform her. He snorted. She probably thought he'd killed himself by now. Poor thing.

''So, will six o'clock tonight be a problem for you?''

''Hm? Oh! No, not at all. I'll be sure to show up.''

James laughed quietly.

''Great! Well, I'll see you then.''

''Yeah, I know where to find you.''

He laughed again, a bit louder this time. The sound spread like a soft little glow in Rei's own chest. It felt good to hear someone laugh for once.

''Take care, Rei.''

And with that, the man hung up.

X

Boris didn't know how he ended up on the floor, or when standing up had become too difficult. But that was the situation now, and he had to admit that it was quite comfortable feeling the cool clinkers against his clammy skin.

He felt like hell.

''Boris?''

It was Rei's worry that got through his foggy thoughts. He wanted to turn to look at the man, but his muscles screamed in violent protest so he stayed put. It probably wasn't a goo idea to give Rei a heart attack but he really couldn't help it. Soon he could feel the other drag him up into a sitting position and it was with some sort of self-satisfied glee he realized that he was leaning against Rei's chest. It was even warmer than the floor, and with that also even nicer.

''Are you..?''

''I'm alive'' Boris voice came out like sand paper in his throat. Talking probably wasn't such a good idea either. ''Just felt tired.''

Rei didn't say anything. Instead he fought with getting them both up on their feet. It felt like a regularly occurring task by now, and he'd even started to work out a technique to lift the larger man. Thinner or not, there was still a difference in mass and Rei's muscles were too tired to complete this task with ease. So it was with a lot of stumbling and an increased headache for both of them that the Chinese managed to drag the lump of flesh that was the Russian into the bedroom, before Boris sagged down on the bed. The covers were lifted over him leaving him in a cosy softness. Perhaps he should collapse more often if it gave him this kind of treatment.

''I made you some tea, for your stomach. It's here if you want it''

Boris glanced at the bedside table, but disregarded it to bury his head further into the warmth. Rei sat by the bed watching him for a moment, feeling the energy he woke with drip out of him. Without another word he crept into bed as well, welcoming the softness to his aching body. Boris buried his head into his neck, letting out a putrid breath. They lay there in the silence, feeling no need to speak as nothing of worth could be said. Somewhere along the stillness, Rei had started fiddling with silver locks. It was with slight fascination he noticed Boris' hair reached his shoulders now.

''And you say I need a haircut''

Boris snorted, but didn't answer. The tea was probably ice cold by now, but no one made a move to grab it. Boris' stomach was calming down either way. It still hurt like squeezing a porcupine out of his rectum, but it was more manageable now. The touch of Rei's fingers through his hair was strangely soothing and if he could choose, he wouldn't get out of bed for the rest of the year.

''Thank you'' he murmured with a slight slur.

Rei looked curiously at him.

''For what?''

''For doing this.'' he scoffed bitterly. ''It must suck to be my babysitter when you have your own shit to deal with.''

Rei just sighed. He didn't know why he reached out and pulled the other close. It just felt like the right thing to do. They weren't lovers anymore, no. But maybe it just felt like it was his turn to be the warm embrace this time, instead of the other way around. All the cold nights when the two of them were barely even friends and Boris had chased after him, brute and blunt but still there. In times of need one little supporting gesture could be just what you needed.

''Of course I'll help you, Boris. I just want you to feel better.''

Boris bit his lip at that. There was a nasty lump in his throat and the nausea briefly grew. But it wasn't vomit pushing at his throat this time, but words. Closing his eyes he knew he was going to regret saying this.

''I'm... sorry.''

Rei didn't know what to say to that. So he decided to say nothing at all. He didn't ask what he was sorry for, he already knew that. He didn't even feel the urge to ask where this apology came from, and why now of all moments. He just took it for what it was and was happy with that. Just a few meagre words could hold so much importance to themselves sometimes.

''Try to sleep. You'll feel better.''

Boris didn't quite believe that, but his eyelids seemed to close on their own accord. Soon he was drifting off into a soft, dreamless slumber, hoping Rei would still be there when he woke up.