I am the bitch of this show
Steel is my body and fire is my hair
I have bitched over a thousand times
Unknown to love, nor known to be nice
Have withstood pain to create many awkward moments
Yet, these hands will never hold anyone's
So as I pray, Instrumentality Bitch Works.
The Product of an Insane Mind
Gendo Ikari stood outside the room filled with pillars, waiting for any further sign of movement. He had considered ordering a contingent of disposable workers to move several pillars, but SEELE would have found out all the sooner about the awakening and seized it before anything could be done. Eventually his patience ran out, so he left the empty room behind him and began the long walk to Terminal Dogma.
"I'm home dear."
Gendo turned in shock, no one had possessed enough suicidal tendencies in the past ten years to say that to him. She was standing in the doorway, wearing the same clothes she had worn that day. The pink sweater he'd bought for her as a joke that had gotten totally out of hand, the lab coat she'd had monogrammed shortly after their wedding, even the shoes were identical. The only thing that wasn't the same was the unearthly white glow surrounding her.
"She's lonely, you know." The ghost with the face of Yui continued, capturing his attention easily. The spirit sauntered over to him, changing with every step.
"I cannot see into the heart of gods." She now wore the face of Dr Naoko Akagi.
"But I can see into hers." Now it was Lorenz Keel, head of SEELE.
"She's waiting for you." The apparition cupped his cheek with Rei's gentle hand.
"What of Unit-02? Is she waiting for her savior?"
"I told you," Shinji's voice told him, "I can't see into the heart of gods. You should speak to the other one about that."
With a spin, the apparition vanished.
...
It was readily apparent to Shinji the moment he entered the Geofront for a debriefing that something was odd. It might have been the frankly ridiculous amounts of heavily armed guards jogging through the corridors or the lack of canned coffee in the vending machine they passed, but he was pretty sure it was the coffee.
No wait, make that the guards, his Father just walked up to the group surrounded by heavily armed guards jogging through the corridors. His father stopped directly in front of their path, but thankfully and obviously everyone had realised what was about to happen and thus stopped walking. The two groups regarded each other for a pensive moment.
"Aida and Suzuhara will be debriefed elsewhere. The rest of you, follow me."
Two guards hustled Toji and Kensuke away back down the corridor, much to Toji's protest, but the two men carrying large guns weren't in the mood for any backtalk at the moment. With the butt of his rifle, one of the men began to push against Toji's head, slowly pushing him back down the hallway. Despite the wanton display of cruelty, Shinji's father turned on his heel and walked back the way he had come.
...
The NERV debriefing and presentation room they were lead to was the same as every other NERV debriefing and presentation room in the entire Geofront except for the giant steel doors leading directly to the Eva cages. The emergency shutters had been opened upon the recovery of Unit-02, so there was an excellent view of Unit-00 ratcheting into place in its cage. Any other day, Shinji would have watched the giants slide into place with a serene grace, but his father seemed insistent on a proper consideration of the battle. It turns out that he didn't even need to be there, it was just his father talking to Dr Akagi and Misato about repairs to Unit-02 and potential tests for a dual-pilot system in future Evas. Eventually they let the Children leave, if only because the adults had begun to discuss more and more classified things.
Shinji made his way to the train that lead out of the Geofront with Asuka and Rei following.
"You two don't take this train do you? I mean, Rei you live over in the development area and Asuka, you-"
"No, I don't have anywhere to live assigned to me yet, so you're going to entertain me until then, Or I'll tell everyone in this city about your taste in women's underwear."
With very little protest, Shinji was dragged onto the train that led directly away from the apartment. At the very least, he thought, if worst comes to worst he could offer to walk Rei home if Asuka got a bit too - what was the word? - horny.
And so, ignoring the fact that the rumours Asuka would be spreading about him were likely to be false, Shinji embarked on a shopping trip the likes of which he would probably see again. Seriously, they just hung out at the mall, not much shopping happened.
...
Asuka dragged them all around the nearest outdoor shopping district, talking so much that neither Shinji or Rei got a word in edge ways. Which was fine for Rei, she didn't really have anything to say, but Shinji wanted to get Asuka alone somewhere and accost her for what she had attempted out at sea. Shinji knew, though, that he wasn't the sort of person to get into confrontations like that; surely if he just acted like it had never happened then maybe Asuka would forget about it too.
"Hold this Shinji, I need to buy these shoes." Asuka handed off a bag to Shinji, but Rei knocked it out of his hands to the tiled floor.
"Shinji is not your pack mule, please stop treating him as such." Rei's voice was soft and neutral, but it was easy to see the steel in her expression.
"What's it matter to you First? He your boyfriend or something?" Asuka cut deeply into the matter, still demonstrating an absolutely scathing wit.
"No, but I have heard that you should only utilise a person in this manner if they are your friend; from what I have seen we are not your friends."
"Uh, Rei, you don't really need t-" Shinji began, but Asuka cut him off with a sharp jab to the ribs.
"This no longer concerns you Shinji, Wondergirl here things you belong to her."
"I do not believe that, however I do believe that you should not abuse your working relationship with him in this manner."
Shinji tried to split the two up, but he gave up rather quickly when it just made it worse; Asuka would keep poking him in the ribs and Rei would become more and more irate as he got poked. Though with Rei he couldn't really tell if that was anger or just mild frustration. The world answered his prayers in the form of a be-freckled angel.
ANGEL? WHERE? SHIT MAN, I'M IN THE SHOWER, IF YOU WANT SOMETHING WITTY THEN WAIT MAYBE TWO HOURS, I GOT A JOB INTERVIEW LINED UP.
Angel? What are you talking about, it's just Horaki.
YOU CAN'T READ THE NARRATION? IT SAID ANGEL AND I THOUGHT WE WERE UNDER ATTACK.
There's narration? How many other things do I have in my head?
IF THE PART OF US THAT IS YOU CANNOT READ THE NARRATION THEN I WILL NEITHER CONFIRM OR DENY THE PRESENCE OF OTHERS.
That is unnecessarily vague and I hate you.
WHATEVER. THERE'S A GIRL TALKING TO US NOW. DON'T FUCK UP, WE COULD CONVINCE HER TO JOIN REI AND US IN A 'MANA TRANSFERENCE RITUAL'.
"Ikari, you wouldn't happen to know what happened to Toji and Kensuke would you? I went by their houses after school and their parents said they'd be with you." Horaki said sweetly, her smile so obviously fake that even Rei would understand the impending violence.
DON'T. FUCK. THIS. UP.
"Well," Shinji began, trying to skirt around his inner voice(s) and Horaki's feelings, whatever they may be. "There was a low-security NERV thing and I was allowed to bring Toji and Kensuke for some reason."
"And why are they not with you right now then?" Horaki asked, still as sweet as she could be. Shinji recognised this voice as the voice that preceded conniptions centered on the class timetable.
"There was an Angel attack so th-"
"What kind of hero are you then? You can't even save your best friends lives when it's your job to save everyone?" Horaki screamed, gaining the attention of Rei and Asuka.
"They're still alive! They just need to be debriefed by NERV!"
Horaki tilted her head slightly, unnerving Shinji with the fluid motion of her vertebrae.
"That's a little better, but do tell, who is this?" Horaki said, turning slightly to face Asuka. Shinji thought for a moment. It was clear that rumours of the Pilot's identity were well and truly circling by now, at least in parts not totally owned by NERV, but to bring up such sensitive information in public was-
"I am Asuka Langely Sohryu, designated pilot of Evangelion Unit-02." Asuka gloated, hand placed delicately against her collarbone.
POINT ONE: YOU FUCKED UP
POINT TWO: SLAP HER AS SOON AS IS REASONABLE
"That's wonderful Ikari; with another pilot you won't need to keep involving Toji with your battles."
Rei interposed herself between Shinji and Hikari, a small red phone held against her ear.
"Miss Horaki, Suzuhara and Aida will be returned to their homes by the end of the day." Rei stated plainly.
Horaki blinked suddenly; Rei had never directly spoken to her before. "Oh, alright then, I'll go wait for them if that's the case."
"Please do, this is now a secure conversation." With a short wave and Shinji's faltering reply thereof, Horaki left. Rei's conversation was still ongoing, but she herded Shinji and Asuka off to one side of the large shopping centre. What followed was a short, one-girl chorus of 'Yes Ma'am's, 'understood's and a single 'I see', positively pregnant with slight disappointment. With nothing further to say, Rei handed the phone over to Shinji. Holding the phone up to his ear, the boy realised this was a Special Super-Secret NERV Call and he should thus act accordingly.
"Hello, Ikari speaking." He whimpered into the red phone. NERV sure do love red.
"No need to be so formal Shin-chan, it's just me." Misato voice crackled through into his ear.
"Oh, then why are you calling us?"
"Well," Misato began, for once thinking before she spoke. "Asuka needed to be assigned housing, so while Irons was in a huff organising all that, Rei slipped in a request to be moved too."
"Who's Irons? Is he one of the people in NERV I should know about?"
"Of course not Shinji, you only need to worry about your superiors and equals. William Irons is just the head of Housing and Logistics. You met his secretary when she handed you your housing assignment." Shinji cast his mind back to his first few fateful days in NERV, wondering where in the many religion's hells he was and why he'd ridden inside a giant robot unicorn to destroy what amounted to Cthulhu. "But anyway," Misato continued, "based on my own approval and the Commander's orders, Asuka will be moving in with us and Rei will be next door to us."
Shinji gave Asuka a sidelong glance. "Can we maybe change that?"
"Unfortunately not, I already signed all the papers and it takes three weeks of bureaucracy to change it."
"That's ok, I'm sure I can deal with it."
"That's a very adult thing for you to say, Shinji." Misato said, for once also having an adult opinion that did not revolve around 'adult' materials. "By the way," Misato added, drawing out the third word, "the Commander received orders from the U.N. to go public with your identities. And since the U.N. went ahead and released that information anyway, the press have had at least four hours to write up a nice little story." Misato fell silent after saying that; the U.N. had gone behind NERV's back to release confidential NERV information that would become known to the public of NERV's city.
"I don't like the way that sounds."
"I don't either, but that's the way it is. You may want to get home before the news comes on." Misato warned, then corrected herself. "Ignore that, we've got the news feeds running down into headquarters and all the channels have your face on them. Find your security detail and get back to the apartment with Rei and Asuka, much as people don't like giant monsters, they like it less when the people sent to protect them step on a house."
...
It was, understandably, a shock when Asuka arrived in his class the next morning and openly declared herself to be Unit-02's pilot in the chirpiest voice imaginable. The shock was mitigated somewhat by Misato's announcement the previous day that NERV were placing all the Children in the same place as often as possible. That surprise was reduced because Shinji had really come to expect that sort of thing from his father. Or reality, he wasn't sure which. His father seemed to be going out of his way to be as distant and confusing as possible, and reality, while busy making sure giant robots weren't idealised as in anime, didn't appear to get out much since it was watching children's robot shows for 'research'.
All in all, he felt it would have been more likely for Rei to strip naked in front of the class and lead them in the macarena.
Whatever the macarena was, he'd heard Misato mention it once while absolutely drunk, but didn't know what it entailed.
Asuka immediately appropriated the seat behind Toji, exclaiming her great pleasure at finding both Short Round and Rambo in her class. Horaki looked at Asuka as though the new girl had ruined every plan she had ever plotted, but when her gaze passed over Toji and saw the look of absolute terror he wore, she resolved to just yell at Shinji again. The day ended with Asuka, Rei and Shinji sharing a train to the Geofront for a Synch Test.
"So, Ayanami, you ever think about Shinji late at night? All alone in your bed, no one to hold you." Asuka hugged herself theatrically.
"I do not understand. Is there something to be gained from thinking of someone?" Rei tilted her head in confusion.
"Gott Verdammt, Ayanami. I'm talking about mas-tur-bation, silly." Asuka pushed her face in very close to Rei's, allowing Shinji the opportunity he needed to change seats to somewhere well on the other side of the carriage.
"I see." Rei replied. "Is there then something to be gained from masturbating with a particular person in mind?"
Asuka just shrugged. "I don't know there might be but I haven't heard anything about it happening like that."
"Then your opinion supports my own views on the topic; I have not experienced any positive results from the act." Rei looked away from Asuka to signify that the 'conversation' was over, but Asuka was determined to have something approaching the last word.
"Hey Shinji, you hear that?" Asuka called out across the thankfully-empty carriage. "Rei thinks about you when she's giving herself one."
"I don't even want to know." Shinji moaned, hands firmly over his ears
...
Misato took Shinji aside after the Synch Test, ostensibly to talk to him about the new living arrangements.
"Shinji, your Synch dropped by five points today, but it was nearly at ninety-four when you piloted with Asuka." She bent down to his level and placed a hand on his shoulder. "If living with Asuka is so much worse than knowing her for an hour, you can tell me and I can make changes to the living arrangements, maybe swap you and Rei over."
Shinji couldn't meet Misato's gaze; Asuka's frequent changes in the topic of conversation were very embarrassing. "Asuka's alright, it's just what she talks about that makes me feel strange being around her."
"Is she telling you things that she should only really tell another woman?"
"Y-yes, and she's saying things to me about uh, sex." He stammered, not wanting to take the chance that the conversation could be recorded. In reply, Misato held up her other hand in which there was a small phone with the words 'On Call - Ritsuko Akagi' crawling across the screen.
"Did you get all that Rits?" Misato said, bringing the phone up to her ear. "He looks so cute when he's embarrassed!"
As Shinji squirmed more under the weight of Misato's laughter, she continued to talk.
"No, I'm not trying to seduce him, I'm his superior officer. And no, it wouldn't change if I wasn't, so stop making me out to be the bad guy."
AN: I'm going to toss my piss-poor excuse of a chapter 11 on the end here because it makes no sense to do otherwise and waste a chapter when I've compounded several other chapters. So yeah.
Israfel, Twin Angels of Song and Dance. Also known to less informed fans as 'those two DDR angels'. Now, I write fan fiction, so the sanctity of the original work does not matter to me, but I'm having trouble with this chapter. Mainly because my vision for it has nothing change except for a couple of lines between characters. And that isn't what I write for, I write to come up with new twists on the story, to provide thrills to my readers that I know nothing about. Seriously I know none of you. In short, I'm not writing a redundant chapter. Go watch the actual episode again or something, I'm going to go play games and stuff because I am an adult and that is in no way a bad decision.
None of this is because I dislike Asuka; I find her an interesting character that can be used in many different ways.
None of this is because I don't want to ship Asuka-Shinji; in a bit you'll get a whole new story just about dedicated to the stuff.
All of this is because I am a lazy man that watches too much porn.
The Next Chapter will still be chapter 11, just skipping over Israfel because reasons.