The Trial
of
Stanley Jaa-Ruuk
(He's flying downwards through an endless cave lined with shiny crystals, a cold wind gently passing his scales. Calm yet uncertain)
Hello Stanley. You are different, you realize? One of two male offspring conceived by Sylvia Ssi-Ruuk and Squishy the Jawa. A most unnatural selection, downright impossible in any other universe. Along with that, you seemed to lack any defining skills or characteristics to make you truly stand out. It appeared you were on a set course to obscurity and total erasure from human memory.
But something happened. Something unexpected… Unforeseeable...
Stan: What?
You fought. Months ago, you faced the harbinger of Death with immense fire in your soul. Though you ultimately lost the fight, you still sought retribution regardless of your safety. You turned from an extra to tragic hotblooded hero in an instant. An event that demands reconsideration of your worth in a more positive light.
Yet I can't be too hasty. There's still something that bothers me about you.
Stan: What's that?
Despite sudden flash of defiance in the face of death, you still cling to your old behaviors. You continue to hesitate, act cowardly, and play the buffoon, purposely marking yourself as the weaker of your siblings. By my reckoning, these are all symptoms of self-confidence issues. When not filled with rage and vengeance, you play the role of comic relief a majority of the time. A simple, uncomplicated one you can easily coast through. One which is already in overabundance in your universe.
Stan: Uh-huh. Your point?
This complacent attitude severely inhibits your potential. Drastic measures are needed to address it while there's still hope for you. Therefore, rather than testing your strengths first, you will confront your weakness head on, and hopefully regain that determined mentality. The question is, can you overcome that which is yourself? Put in the effort to improve, or remain idle and wither: Make your choice. Let the games begin.
(Things go black. Now Stan is in some decrepit old room of wood planks and shingles. It's cold and the furniture is either really old or torn up. There are holes in the walls and floor)
Stan: Where am I now?
(A sparkling new phonograph turns on nearby)
Jigsaw: This is your wake-up call, Stan: The time to prove yourself. Over by the open window is a sniper rifle. Pick it up.
(Stan hesitantly goes over to the window and picks up the rifle. It has a wood stock and an old-fashion scope on it)
Jigsaw: Now, look out the window.
(He looks out the window and beholds a great gray city square. It is in the shape of a rotunda beneath an overcast sky of gray. Around the square are many tall and squat buildings of various ages, but the one directly across from Stans' looks like a great temple/fortress. Hanging on pillared sides are banners of red with some strange black cross in a white circle. Gathered before the steps of the building is a great gathering of people, and rolling up to the steps is a black limo with miniature flags of the strange cross)
Jigsaw: The man in the limousine will bring untold suffering to countless people. This is your chance to stop all that, and be a hero to all. Hesitate, and you will fail. Viva La Resistánce.
(Someone steps out of the limo. Stan brings up the rifle and looks through the scope. In his sights is a short man in a brown coat and cap with dark hair and a bizarrely small mustache. He is smiling and shaking hands with members of the crowd)
Stan: Him? He doesn't look bad. What exactly is it that he will do?
Jigsaw: No time for questions. Take the shot.
(Stan brings up the rifle again. The man is now kissing a baby and hugging people. Stan shakes and taps the trigger a bit. After a while the man nears the top of the steps, but Stan drops the rifle and sighs)
Stan: I can't do it. Not without knowing why he deserves a bullet to the—
FAIL!
(The building Stan's in collapses to pieces, sending Stan falling and yelling to a horribly jagged death)
(He opens his eyes to find himself intact. Also, he's wearing Western wear in some desert town)
Stan: Huh? What just happened?
(A tumbleweed talks)
Jigsaw: You failed by hesitating. But here's another chance: Defend yourself from the bandit. Shoot first or else.
Stan: What?
(A bandito appears before him)
Bandit: Alright, slim! I'm calling you out!
Stan: Wait! Can we talk about t— (Gets shot in the chest) Gack! (Clutches wound, falling over losing consciousness)
FAIL!
(Stan dies)
(He's now on a boat motoring for some war-torn beach)
Stan: Oh what now? Oh god, getting sick….
Jigsaw: Twice now needlessly complicate things. Let's try again. You're in the midst of battle, and your boat can win the war. Steer it to shore to survive.
Stan: Hold on, I don't know how to drive a boat! (Hits a sea mine)
FAIL!
(There is a massive watery explosion)
(He's now running across a large green field dribbling a ball with his feet)
Stan: Huh!?
Jigsaw: This is your big night. Score the winning goal. Make your motherland proud.
Stan: Hold on a—!
(Gets tripped up by some guy, making him knock the ball off into the stadium. When he gets up another guy runs his whole shin up between his legs with immense force)
FAIL!
(His head explodes from the pain overload)
(Now he stands before an orchestra)
Jigsaw: Conduct as if your life depended on it.
Stan: Uhh… Okay…
(Waves a baton but creates discord among the musicians. He's pelted by vegetables and gets a carrot through his skull)
FAIL!
(Falls into crowd below)
(He's in a fighter jet)
Jigsaw: Shoot down the enemy pilots.
Stan: Wait! Which one's are the enemy!? (Gets riddled with bullets)
FAIL!
(Jet explodes)
(He's in a classroom)
Jigsaw: Make a fart noise and disrupt the class.
Stan: But that's rude.
(Gets ruler through the head)
FAIL!
(He's in a diving chamber)
Jigsaw: Push the button.
Stan: Why?
(A shark eats him)
FAIL!
(He's ice skating)
Jigsaw: Do a triple lindy.
(Stan tries but flops and a spotlight falls and crushes him)
FAIL!
(He has his claws out before some Asian guy)
Jigsaw: Avoid getting slapped.
Stan: Huh? (The Asian guy slaps his claws, ripping them off creating blood fountains) EEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA— (Head gets sliced off)
FAIL! YOU FAIL!
(He's in the desert squatting next to a land mine)
Jigsaw: Deactivate or die.
Stan: Okay! (Gets to work) Hey, this won't take long.
Terrorist: Praise Allah! (Jumps on mine, detonating it)
FAIL!
(He's standing next to some guy lying on the ground)
Jigsaw: Finish off the SPARTAN.
Stan: But why? He looks pretty dead.
(The guy sticks a sign to him which reads "I ripped this flash." Stan's whole body becomes covered in laser pointers)
Stan: Hey, what the— HOLY S***T! (Gets sprayed with gunfire)
FAIL FAIL FAIL!
(Body hits ground in pool of blood)
(He's on a golf course)
Jigsaw: Hit the ball.
(Stan swings the club, misses, and gets struck by lightning)
FAIL!
(He's in a guillotine)
Jigsaw: Spinach.
Stan: Fruit! (Gets decapitated)
FAIL!
(He's on a diving board)
Jigsaw: Jump.
Stan: But it's so deep. (Gets run over by a car)
FAIL!
(He's in a kitchen)
Jigsaw: Ready the oven.
Stan: Fine. (Turns knob) Wait, what am I cooking again? (There's a supernova)
FAIL!
(Now he's in the stadium from Gitaroo-Man. He's dressed like him before a packed audience)
Jigsaw: Last chance. Play the tune to soothe the masses.
(Stan takes the gitaroo and tries to play, but hits a real sour note. The whole place erupts in boos)
FAIL!
FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL
FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL
FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL
FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL
FAAAIL!
(Stan grabs his head as the world revolves around him, bombarded by the boos and incessant fails, spinning faster and faster until)
Stan: STOP IIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
?: Or what? Is wittle baby gonna cwry?
(Descending on a floating platform comes Zowie in his battle armor)
Zowie: Hff! You're worthless! You just keep holding back and asking questions, never acting on anything. You're no use to anyone!
Stan: Shut up! Stop talking or I'll—!
Zowie: What'd you say, punk? Was that a threat? Ha! Your hesitant self can never intimidate anyone, much less someone like me. Not even in— (Close up) Never-ending. Eeeeternity.
Stan: You, youuu!
Zowie: So tell me: What can you do?
Stan: I can do it!
Zowie: What: Defeat me?
Stan: If that's what it takes to clear this trial!
Zowie: Not in a million years!
Stan: I so can!
Zowie: You can't do squat!
Stan: If you'd just let me do it already!
Zowie: You're pathetic!
Stan: No!
Zowie: Always running.
Stan: No!
Zowie: Always failing.
Stan: No!
Zowie: Failing all things.
Stan: No!
Zowie: A real f**k-up!
Stan: Shut up! (Starts to glow) I'm getting sick of you dissing me!
Zowie: The baby cries again, I see.
Stan: Quit calling me that!
Zowie: Or what?
Stan: I'll, I'll mess you up!
Zowie: Liar! You can't do jack s***!
Stan: Yes I can!
Zowie: No you can't!
Stan: Yes, I, can!
Zowie: You're bluffing!
Stan: I will do it!
Zowie: You're stalling!
Stan: I will do it!
Zowie: Then show me what you got!
Stan: You asked for it!
Zowie: Have I? Are you finally going to do something?
Stan: YES! (Gains a flaming aura)
Zowie: What makes you think you can?!
Stan: I can do it because—
Zowie: What is it?!
Stan: I can do it because—
Zowie: Why, you little b***h? What makes you think you can do it?
Stan: Because, because, because—
Zowie: Say it!
Stan: Because, because— (Floating up)
Zowie: Say it: Because WHAT?!
Stan: Because…. Because… Because…. (Snap) Because I'm STANLEY JAA-RUUUUUUUK!
(In a great blast of light the world becomes a trippy realm of swirling red, yellow and orange. Stan has donned a skintight trash bag suit with an enraged look as he floats. All around him dozens of short old Asian mean in yellow robes drop in. A flaming head comes up to Stan)
Mugatu: Then prove your worth by KILLING THE PRIME MINISTER OF MALAYSIA!
Stan: HEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!:c:c:c!
(Stan flies at the men as "Bounty Hunter" from Advent Rising plays. He goes primal and nuclear, outright tearing open a fuel tanker of whoop-a**, going kung-fu on the little ministers with kicks and punches that send them flying apart in pieces. He grabs onto them, snapping their necks and swinging through a multitude of them just to repeat the same murderous action. At one point he tears off one guys head and tosses it with enough force to punch a hole through four others. He eventually taps into his inner Force powers, radiating kinetic waves that send peeps flying and the blood raining down. With the power of repressed frustration being unleashed he kicks people in half, rams them through one another and so on, until everyone has been reduced to chunky salsa. With the music gone and the colors of the realm fading, Stan stands alone amidst the carnage, his wardrobe splattered in blood and gore. He breathes heavily, opening and closing his claws and salivating from simmering fury)
Stan: I'm… not... WORTHLESS!
(He rears back and gives off a tremendous roar like a T-Rex on steroids. All reality wavers and ripples around him as he continues to roar a roar of primeval power, liberation, and triumph. When he finishes, all goes quiets. Stan exudes a coolness never before seen. Suddenly a ball of light appears in the air before him, which hovers a bit before making a few circles in a loop and then zeroing in on Stan, which he absorbs)
You have gained the vocals of Chester Bennington
(As Stan looks at his claws, reveling in his victory, the area dims into pure darkness)
Well done; you pulled through. I had a feeling you were gonna make it.
Stan: Yeah. That was… unreal. Even though it got aggravating toward the end, just doing all that. So freakishly empowering.
You have broken through your hesitance at last and gave in to the violent warrior within. Reluctance no longer has full control over you. The world is your oyster.
Stan: Oh man… Is this what Rick felt when he killed all those people? No no, he was mind-controlled. Just gotta keep my head. (Deep breath) Woo, it's so weird...
Maintain your focus, young Stanley. There's still one final task to complete before you can stake your claim in the universe. Channel this newfound energy and leave a lasting impression. Show them that you're more than raw might. Make the viewers scream with your message. This is your victory lap; set it aflame...
(Music starts to play, and we're in a music video depicting the events of the 8th trilogy. Stan is dressed as the lead singer of Linkin Park)
Mem-or-ies con-sume
Like opening the wound;
I'm picking me apart again…..
You, all, as-sume
I'm safe here in my room,
Unless I try to start again.
I don't want to be the one,
The battles always choose.
Cuz inside, I realize,
That I'm the one confused.
I don't know what's worth fighting for or
Why I have to scream! (Shows Steezy getting bashed by Financer)
I don't know why I instigate and
Say what I don't mean!
I don't know how I got this way;
I know it's not alright.
So I'm Breeea-king the Haaaaa-bit!
I'm Breeeeea-king the Haaaaaa-bit,
Tonight!
(Jawa Home hits Mon Calamari, and in the resulting explosion)
Clutch-ing my cure… (The Jedi in bad moods)
I tightly lock the door;
I try to catch my breath again…
I, hurt, much, more,
Than anytime before.
I have no options left again.
I don't want to be the one, (Republic fleet approaches Financer)
The battles always choose.
Cuz inside, I realize,
That I'm the one confused.
I don't know what's worth fighting for or (Financer decimates fleet)
Why I have to scream!
I don't know why I instigate and
Say what I don't mean!
I don't know how I got this way;
I'll never be alright.
So I'm Breeeeea-king the Haaaaaa-bit!
I'm Breeeeeea-king the Haaaaaa-bit,
Tonight!
I'll paint it on the Waaaaaalls!
Cuz I'm the one at Faaaaaaaault! (Faces off with shadowy Financer)
I'll never fight Agaaaaaaaain!
And this is how it EEEEeeeends!
I don't know what's worth fighting for or (Fight in air)
Why I have to scream!
But now I have some clarity to
Show you what I mean!
I don't know how I got this way;
I'll never be alright. (Great spinning clock behind Stan)
So I'm Breeeeeea-king the Haaaaaaaaaa-bit!
I'm Breeeeeeeea-king the Haaaaaaaa-bit!
I'm Breeeeeeeeeea-king The Haaaaaaaaaaa-bit!
TONIGHT!
(The music winds down and Stan is left standing in darkness. As he turns, he stops to find a billowy shade some yards before him in the shape of a man. A man that wore a familiar pair of glasses, a familiar coat, and a familiarly malevolent smile)
Shade: Nice set of pipes there, Stanny Boy. Definitely gives you a leg-up. Bet it feels real great tearing into "me" and a bunch of unarmed civilians in an enclosed space, detached from consequences and moral integrity. (With scorn) No doubt refreshing, giving in to the mindless animal inside.
(Stan hesitates but a microsecond, then begins walking purposely in the direction of the sneering shade)
Shade: While it's a nice break from your usual meek sniveling self, can you honestly say this more "raw" side of you can overtake me? One thing to face "me" in a music video, but what about in real life? Could you really beat me in a rematch? Or will it just play out the same, even down to the whimpering finale?
(Stan stops beside the shade, looking at him)
Stan:...Even if it does play out the same, you won't get the satisfaction of hearing me scream. Ever again. (Resumes walking)
Shade: Tch. We'll see how that holds up. Should we meet again, that is.
(Stan keeps walking straight into a portal that swallows him away, leaving the shade to dissipate)
End Trial