A/N sorry for the long wait, had a bit of writers block with this one, I think were coming to the end of the story! Eep my first complete story! After this I was thinking of doing one for suite life on deck, Max comes as the sub candy counter girl for a month as Zack caused the current one pain, and relationship blossoms between them after a bumpy start...would anybody read it? Review and tell me please.
My vision became impaired as I looked down at yet another negative pregnancy test. I bit down on my lip begging the tears not to escape my eyes or the sobs escape my lips. I took a few shaky breaths trying to compose myself, before stumbling towards the bath and starting to run the water into the tub.
I had promised myself, I had promised Nate, heck I promised our new born, golden Labrador Blondie, that I wouldn't do this again if we tried one more time. I knew Nate found it hard to see me upset like this, especially due to the fact that there was absolutely nothing he could do to control the results of the pregnancy tests. Nobody could.
I sat staring numbly at the falling water from the tap and down the drain, wishing my troubles would swirl down the drain along with the water.
"Caity?" I heard Nate's voice call out from the hall. I instantly raised my hands to my cheeks swiping away any evidence that I had been upset and taking a few more uneasy breaths.
"Bathroom," I called out, hoping he wouldn't notice the slight jump in my voice.
"Hey Caitlyn...why are you sitting on the floor of the bathroom?" he asked confused before he followed my gaze to the bath "And It usually helps when you put the plug in the plug hole" he chuckled turning of the water before turning to face me again, and that's when I lost all self control and the tears were let lose and the sobs escaped so fast they seemed to roll into one.
"Hey," Nate said softly sitting down beside me pulling me close to him, kissing the top of my head "tell me what's wrong, and I can help you, huh?" he said rocking me slightly. His body stiffened as he reached over me lifting the cause of my bizarre behaviour.
"I thought we were going to do this together Caitlyn." He said through clenched teeth. I could tell he was trying to keep his temper in check, and I could understand why, we had agreed that we were going to take the test together.
"I-I k-know, but I was so sure t-t-his t-t-time, I was convinced I was pregnant Nate and I just couldn't wait, I n-n-eeded to find out! But I was wrong" I finished lamely; I could hear Nate's breathing returning to a regular rhythm and his body easing up. He kissed my temple pulling me closer to him, "It's not fair Nate, It's just not fair, Mitchie and Shane have one, Ella and Jase get one, Peggy and Andy, Lola and Baron, have one, Tess gets freckin' two thanks to sperm donor 1098, why cant we just have one, that's all, I want just one!" I asked sniffling and rubbing at me cheeks vigorously.
"I know, honey, I know" he murmured softly into my hair. I squirmed my way out of his arms and pushed my self off the ground.
"You know what? You don't know what it's like Nate," I stated in frustration, I almost felt guilty as I seen the hurt expression spread across Nate's face, that was until a look of anger quickly replaced it.
"Wait a minute caity," he said in a hushed tone as he slowly rose to his feet also, looking at me with determination in his eyes. "Are you seriously telling me I don't understand how you feel?" he said through gritted teeth.
"Well, do you?" I asked crossing my arms across my chest, squinting my eyes into a glare. "You don't have to be surrounded by them day after day!" I screeched throwing my hands up in the air "hearing Mitchie talk about how Charlie just did the funniest thing the other morning, or see Ella coo over Maisy, or how Lola taught Laila her first dance move last week!" I stated taking a calming breath before continuing "Or see your sister and one of your best friends give birth to their babies' mere weeks after you miscarried!" I sobbed out starting to cry all over again.
Nate's anger visibly disappeared at the mention of the miscarriage. He stretched out his arm to pull me close to him, wrapping both around me, letting me sob into his chest as he made soothing noises.
"Exactly caity," he said softly "You just had a miscarriage a few months ago, and you didn't take doctor's advice and wait a couple of months before trying again," he added before stroking my hair as he comforted me.
"But the doctor said" I started only to be interrupted by Nate once again.
"The doctor said he didn't see any problem with us getting pregnant again after a few months Caity, not a fortnight after losing the baby," he corrected "Caitlyn, you're not emotionally ready to get pregnant yet, you haven't given yourself enough time to grieve, and not getting pregnant is your bodies way of telling you to stop," he whispered "And I know it sounds cheesy, but maybe it's God's way of saying we're not ready yet" and that's when I snapped.
"You just don't get it do you?" I growled, pushing myself away from Nate's body and storming through the bathroom into our bedroom and stopping and staring out the window in our bedroom. It really did have the most breath taking view ever, but at times it felt like you were staring out on stretches of nothingness
I closed my eyes tight, and I was brought to another world, I could hear the sea hitting of the rocks and rolling into waves, I could feel the warm sand beneath my feet, the soft wind cooling my face and helping laughter fill the remote beach, then I could see Nate, he was chasing after a little girl, a large grin spread on his face as he caught her and twirled her around. I slowly let my eyes flutter open and I was brought back to the misery of reality.
It was like the recurring dream I had ever since the miscarriage only, my dream didn't stop there. It was more of nightmare than a dream, When Nate lifted up, who I presumed to be our daughter, he would walk further away from me and closer to the sea, a rush of panic would flush through me as a wave would go over their heads and I could no longer see them. Fear would build up in me as I called out their names desperate to find them and that's when I would wake up. Nate holding me in his arms, worried expression wiped across his features as he rocked me back and fourth before he would sing me to sleep.
Nate came up behind me, turning me around forcing me to look at him.
"Why don't I understand Caitlyn? Please help me understand, I want to understand" He pleaded with me, gripping my shoulders, desperation in his eyes.
My mouth opened and closed a couple of times, trying to describe to him what I meant, what I was feeling but nothing came out.
"Do I not understand the guilt you feel is that it Caity?" he asked me helplessly, the pleading look still visible in his gaze "Because if it is, you couldn't be further from the truth Caitlyn," he sighed loosening the grip on my shoulders "Do you not think the guilt isn't eating away at me every time I think of the 'what ifs'" he continued arching his eyebrow at me " what if I had been at home that night instead of on the stupid tour, Caitlyn It was an extra date that I had the choice to turn down, it was a free gig for fans," he searched my for an answer in my eyes with his "I could have been home with you got you to the doctors sooner." He finished "or the guilt I feel every time I hear you scream my name in the middle of the night clearly distressed, scared and panicked!" he asked me, I started at him in awe, once again with out anything to say. "Do you really think I could forget the mind numbingly silent ride home from the hospital, the empty look spread across your face and the cold gaze as you stared out the window answering me in only one word sentences? Or the whimper that erupted the room as soon as the doctor gives us the news?"
"Or is it the fact that I don't show how much I'm breaking inside, how much my heart hurts for you and my baby, Caitlyn it's not just you who lost the baby I did to," he said as his eyes started to glisten with tears he squeezed them tight trying to control the tears from falling. "Just so you know Caitlyn, it's not me trying to keep my masculinity, it's me trying to be strong for you, I don't think we would have lasted if I had let myself become completely vulnerable, I've no one singing lullaby's to me caity, I'm struggling just as much as you are caity but you can't save me just yet," he croaked out, I didn't think he was going to be able too last much longer.
"But I think the real reason you think I don't understand is because I'm just the guy, just the father of the baby," My breath hitched, my eyes grew wide and it was obvious he had hit a chord with me "Caity, I grew attached to the idea of having another member in the house, I looked forward to arguing over who had to do the night time feed and whose turn it was to change the diaper" he stated letting a slight chuckle slip through his mouth. "Caitlyn while you heard Mitchie tell stories of Charlie doing funny things, I was there when it happened, I seen Shane teach his son how to play the first essential chords on the guitar. And it made my heart ach, you may have seen Ella coo over Maisy, but I seen Jason bonding with her and making her smile for the first time, and I had to make an excuse to leave because angry tears were forming in my eyes because I was jealous, Jealous because they were experiencing the things I was meant to experience with our baby," he revealed to me for the first time " So Caitlyn don't dare say I don't understand" He finished coldly before dropping his hands from my shoulders and raising his right hand to pinch the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes tightly, trying to control his emotions, before he turned on his heel heading towards the door.
"Nate" I whimpered out softly in a begging manner, He turned around to face me shaking his head slightly, eyes still glistening with tears.
"Caitlyn...just...I...just leave it" he stammered over his words before storming out of the room and slamming the door.
333
I wrung my hands together tightly, taking deep breaths, as I walked into the room were Nate was laptop under my arm.
I sat my self beside him, legs tucked underneath me, my feet rubbing together nervously.
"Hey" I whispered out dryly, but Nate didn't move his blank stare away from the TV "Nate hello, are you there, Nate I'm going to apologise, I don't do it very often so you better listen up." I stated in frustration.
"I'm watching TV" he said in a monotone. I felt my anger boil up as I slanted my eyes at him before glancing at the TV.
"The Bold and The Beautiful, really Nate?" I asked quirking my eyebrow at him "You can't talk to your wife because you're watching the bold and the beautiful?"
"Jason and Shane are always raving about how good it is," he answered
"Yeah because Ella and Mitchie make them watch it!" I stated grabbing the remote of him and switching it of.
"Hey, Thorn's getting married to Brook but Brooke's only marrying him so she can stick to Stephanie!" he said sarcastically looking at me with fake enthusiasm.
"OmG, really, I don't care!" I snapped crossing my arms across my chest.
"So what have you been doing this whole time?" he asked trying to feign some sort of interest.
"Well," I started "I tried writing a song" I smiled sweetly at him.
"How'd that work out for you?" he asked me
"All I got was Nate you really suck, your such a dumb f..." I started only to be interrupted by Nate.
"Yeah, Yeah I get it" he said holding up his hands in surrender, revealing the photo he had gripped in his hands, he noticed his mistake and immediately brought his hand down in the vain hope I hadn't seen it. I slipped my hand through his, prying the photo out of it. I looked down and it, smiling slightly at the squiggle being passed of as a 3 month scan. I let the tips of my finger run across it slightly.
"I know I shouldn't still be carrying it round with me, and I'm just prolonging the grieving process, but I just don't want to forget about it, forget about him" He muttered slightly looking down at his lap. I bent over the side of the sofa, lifting up my hand bag and pulling out my purse, opening it up and showing him the flap that held the same photo.
"It's okay to want to hold on to him Nate, it's not like he never existed, we just need to find a better way to do it than carrying around old scan pictures" I smiled slight, removing the photo from the flap and stetting it on the coffee table in front of us, along with his. "Nate, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you" I whispered, Nate looked at me with a horrified expression shaking his head vigorously trying to object "Nate, there's not point in denying it I got all self obsessed worrying about my lose and not thinking of yours "
"You miscarried Caity, It wasn't your fault," I looked down at my twisted hands again before continuing.
"And I didn't mean to say you didn't understand, how could you not, you were the father of the baby, just because it was me who physically lost the baby doesn't mean you weren't hurting just as much and I should have realised that, and I guess I'm just so sorry!" I finished rushed. Nate grinned at me before pulling me into a hug telling me it was okay and not to worry about it.
"And Nate," I started as we settled back into the couch "You don't need to feel guilty it's not your fault and maybe your right, maybe we should wait a couple of months before trying again, or, I was thinking, maybe we could try adoption, I mean there's a lot of children out there with out families and needing to be loved and we have a lot of love to give." I reasoned, distractedly playing with the fray in the knee of his jeans. I felt Nate's chest vibrate against me as he chuckled.
"We'll talk about it when the time comes" he reasoned leaning down and placing his lips on me, I smiled against his lips, readjusting my position as I slid my hands to the back of his neck pulling him closer as I deepened the kiss falling backwards on the sofa. Nate Scrambled on top of me eagerly, pushing his hands under my shirt, spreading them over my hips. He moved back after a couple of minuets, moving his hands above my head slightly, sticking his tongue out in concentration before pulling back and smiling in satisfaction.
"What on earth are you doing?" I asked confused.
"Fixing your halo, it was looking a little crooked" he joked before going back to nibbling my hear causing me to squirm and giggle, and let out a squeal of laughter as we fell of the sofa and Landed on the wooden floor, before I scrambled on top of him and continuing were we left of.
And for the first time in ages we didn't have sex because we had to we made love because we wanted to.
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So is everybody catching to why I renamed the story? Lol
I'm not too fussed on the ending but I was fed up with it so I just put it up the way it is.
Review please?