I am disappointed
Every morning that I wake up
And I am disappointed by the feeling
Of waking up next to you
You call me up, let me know that
That my sick guilt's
So unwelcome
It's so unwelcome yeah
I hear noises in the darkness
I hear sadness in your voice
I hear noises in the darkness
I hear sadness inside you"I hear Noises" by Tegan and Sara
Coveted – Chapter 10
The drive to the sheriff's office is as dull as usual, and Emma's sleep deprived eyes struggle to stay awake and focused on the snowy road ahead. The sleepless nights and constant anxiety seem to be catching up with her. A faint horn from a few cars back, far back enough for the driver not to realize its a cop holding going up traffic, riles Emma back to life and she turns the long sedan off the main thoroughfare. The trees are bare and devoid of life, much like Emma. They are as miserable as she is. Empty shells waiting for the warmth and renewal of spring. But a rebirth seems remote in Emma's nuclear winter, and she pulls the cruiser into its regular spot before moving like a zombie into her office.
The room is still as Emma sits in her chair. It's always still. Always quiet. Quiet enough for her to think. To consider her choices and actions over the preceding weeks. Emma can hardly remember how it all started. Had it really been a simple desire to exert a little power of the mayor? A little harmless ploy meant to throw Regina off her game just enough to get herself some breathing room? Had that really been what lead her to this place? To this dark hole of self-imposed isolation. Ruby had tried to reach out to her after several days, but Emma couldn't bring herself to answer the phone or the door. She had trampled Ruby's feelings and trust, and she simply couldn't accept her kindness. She doesn't accept anything from Mary Margaret either, except for the occasional hot meal or morning smoothie, and that is usually to aid one of her ever-present hangovers. Her roommate had kindly given her a wide berth lately, understanding that Emma needed space and time alone. Mary Margaret didn't ask what was going on, but she knew it had something to do with Ruby, who wasn't looking too good these days either. The schoolteacher tried to make herself available to her friends, hoping they would reach out to her if they needed her, but so far neither seemed interested in talking.
Emma's mind wanders to Regina again, as it tends to do every thirty-five seconds or so, and a familiar ache rolls in her belly. It's the same queasiness that builds every time she thinks of the mayor - when she inevitably remembers the rage she felt the last time she had seen Regina. Emma recalls the image of the young assistant draped all over her, her beautiful face mocking Emma with that sly smile. Her hands moving and touching and feeling Regina. Her Regina. The pencil in Emma's hand snaps in half. She hadn't even realized that she'd picked it up. Emma sighs and tosses the ruined pencil in the trash. She hadn't meant to think that, and she hadn't wanted to feel the jealousy in her chest, but she is tired and her mind is weak. Emma seems to be having these slips more often these days. More breaks in the barriers against her thoughts of Regina.
The silence in the Sheriff's Office is shattered by the sound of the ringing phone. The piercing sound rattling off the walls and crashing though Emma's eardrums, making her slight headache instantly worse.
"Sheriff's Office." Emma speaks into the old black receiver. Her voice flat and uninterested.
"Hi Sheriff, this is Maggie over at the high school. We had some damage overnight. It looks like some kids must have broken a window and taken some stuff from the biology lab." The woman's voice sounds agitated.
"Alright. I will be right down to take the report." Emma responds before returning the phone to the cradle. She pulls on her coat over her leather jacket and grabs her investigation kit. She feels grateful for the distraction provided by bored teenagers - restless from the month long winter break. At least it will give Emma something to think about other than Regina Mills. At lease for a little while.
"Excuse me, Madam Mayor?" The assistant's voice over the intercom breaks Regina's train of thought.
"Yes." She responds drained of emotion and sounding almost robotic.
"I'm sorry to disturb you, but your nine o'clock is here." She says in a hushed tone.
Regina nods curtly as if the girl could see her, and stands to collect herself. She moves wayward strands of raven hair back into place. Her slightly trembling hands iron out her dark grey pencil skirt, and ease out the slight creases created by sitting down. Regina leans into her reflection. Her fingertips trace the dark hues under her eyes. They give away her sleepless nights, and immediately send Regina's thoughts toward Emma. Brown eyes close quickly, as if Regina were reacting to a physical pain. She hasn't seen Emma in weeks, but word around town is that she looks like death warmed up. Storybrooke is practically abuzz with gossip about Emma and Ruby's apparent break up, and the Mayor has managed to catch every murmur and rumor.
The uneasy feeling continues, but Regina tries to ignore it as she collects the paperwork she needs for her meeting. She refuses to acknowledge it. Simply refuses to say, even in the silence of her own mind, that she misses her. It doesn't even make any sense, how could she missher? Emma had practically tormented her, and made a fool of her. It would be insane for Regina to miss her… to feel something for her. Regina shakes her head and decides to wear her black-rimmed square glasses to hide the bags under her eyes. Regina concludes that she needs something to get her mind off this, maybe she has just been spending too much time alone.
"Hey Regina!" Kathryn answers enthusiastically.
"Good Morning dear," Regina says with a small smile. "How about a drink tonight?" She asks with little time for conversation.
"Oh," Kathryn says with obvious surprise. Regina never initiated plans like this. Never. "Ok, yeah, that will be fun!" She decides.
"Wonderful. I will pick you up at nine." Regina responds, no trace of joy to be found in her words. Regina places another call to her usual babysitter before finally departing her office to receive her waiting constituents.
The frozen air burns Emma's lungs as she runs harder. The hard cold pavement sends a shock of pain up her shins with each footfall. She pushes even harder, and her sweat freezes before it can run down her skin. Emma thinks of the nightmares, of her inability to sleep, and tries to move even faster even though her extremities already numb from the cold and exertion. Emma prays she can exhaust herself and maybe sleep tonight without the aid of a bottle of vodka.
Her legs move in a path of their own choosing. Her thighs and calves ache from the strain, but she pushes on. It is only when she is forced to stop and catch her breath that she realizes where her body has taken her, and the tears sting as they build up in her eyes. Emma feels tempted to knock, to be held and comforted.
"I'm sorry." She whispers to Ruby's door. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen." She continues, her voice cracking with emotion. "You deserve so much better than me." Emma confesses to the wooden door as if it were able to absolve her of her sins. Emma's body begins to shake with the force of her contained grief. She falls to her knees, whether it is from the pain in her body or the twisting in her heart, Emma can't be sure. "I do love you." She says even more quietly, feeling like for the first time there is no way for her to keep Ruby, not anymore. She has officially ruined everything good that has ever happened to her. The revelation feels like someone detonated a bomb under an old skyscraper, and Emma's body crumbles to the ground. Emma lays on the icy concrete and weeps. She is left in the chaos she created, and it is a while before Emma finds the strength to gather her self and return to her apartment. She lingers for a moment, her eyes trying to take the good memories with her, but it seems useless. Everything feels mired in thick blackness, like her life has been the victim of an oil spill.
The moon is half-full and provides a steady glow as Emma runs home as fast as she can. The run can't erase her pain, but maybe the bottle under her bed will.
"Mayor?" Melanie calls from the doorway to Regina's office. "Should I order you something for dinner?" She asks, cautiously taking small steps toward the woman behind the grand desk. Regina glances at the thin watch on her wrist. The time had gotten away from her.
"No thank you, that won't be necessary." Regina says standing from her chair and closing the files she was working on. She barely looks in the girl's direction, and Melanie immediately feels awkward.
"Plans tonight?" She asks despite her better judgment. Her boss had barely spared two non-work related words for her since the night Melanie had obviously crossed a line. The young assistant had been working on getting Regina's attentions back since then, but to no avail.
"Yes." Regina says with a polite but tight smile. "Don't work too late." Regina comments as she pulls on her coat on the way out. She will have just enough time to swing by her house and check on Henry before picking Kathryn up, but she is going to be stuck in her skirt suit.
When Regina is gone, Melanie gathers her things feeling more than a little deflated by Regina's treatment. She wonders where the mayor might be off to, and whether it has anything to do with Emma fucking Swan. She had heard the rumors about Emma and Ruby's apparent breakup of course, and the news had coincided with Regina's suddenly icy demeanor. She couldn't help but wonder if the two were related. If maybe Regina was no longer intrigued by her because she had Emma to play with. Melanie frowns, but decides that it can't be true. She would know if Regina were having a relationship. Her regular perusal of Regina's email and phone would have told her as much. Melanie shuts off all the lights and locks up the office. She sighs, hoping that tomorrow will be better, and maybe Regina will look her way again.
"This is nice." Kathryn comments as they walk through the restaurant. The place had recently been redecorated, which didn't seem to happen to often in their sleepy little town.
"Good evening Madam Mayor, would you like your usual table?" The hostess asks when they leave their winter garb with the coat check attendant and reach the podium. Kathryn never went to fancy places like this unless she was with Regina, and she secretly liked the VIP treatment every now and again. It made her feel almost like a princess, as silly as that was.
"How about something at the bar." Regina suggests with her Mayor Mills smile. Regina had every intention of getting drunk tonight, and it would be a lot subtler at the bar than at a table.
"Certainly." The hostess says with a nod and guides the duo to a long bar, where a number of people are already enjoying dinner and drinks. The girl seats them near the end and Regina quickly orders them appetizers and drinks before Kathryn has even finished sitting down. Regina doesn't notice the blonde sitting at the far corner of the bar nursing her third jack and coke.
Muted blue-green eyes are intent on the mayor. Of all the fucking places to go to tonight, Emma thinks unsure if she is chastising Regina or herself. Emma had planned on just having a beer or two and heading back to her apartment, but something had kept her here longer than she expected. Perhaps it was her choice to drink hard liquor, or maybe it was the suffocating loneliness of her room, or the sheer lack of booze in the house. She was starting to suspect that Mary Margaret was throwing it away when Emma left for work. Whatever it was, Emma was starting to regret her choice.
"Maybe something to eat Sheriff?" The bartender suggests, causing Emma to divert her stare from Regina.
"Sure, how about a burger." Emma responds, her words slurring only slightly at the end. She wasn't in the mood to pay twenty bucks for a cheeseburger, but there were only three places to get alcohol in Storybrooke. Granny's was out of the question and the liquor store closed at seven, leaving Emma no other options but to pay for overpriced drinks and food. At least no one was bothering her here. It seemed as everyone had thankfully received the memo to leave her the fuck alone.
Emma's gaze returns to Regina, and her mind races with thoughts of her. She had been so sure just moments ago that she should try to win Ruby back and forget Regina but now, as her head goes fuzzy and her heart starts pounding, nothing seems to make sense. She knows that she shouldn't be feeling this – whatever it is – for Regina, but the knowledge does nothing to change her reality. When Regina genuinely laughs at something the handsome bartender says, Emma feels a familiar sick feeling shoot up from her belly. She takes two long sips of her drink until nothing but a couple of ice cubes are left rattling around the glass.
"One more." Emma says pushing her empty drink forward toward the bartender when he makes his round to her side of the bar. He looks at the sheriff and then around the bar hoping no one else was keeping track of the sheriff's intake. "Don't worry." Emma says sourly, "I'll take a cab." She promises. The man nods and returns in a moment with another drink, this one consisting of more soda than alcohol.
Regina feels more herself than she has in months. It feels good to laugh and enjoy the ambiance - to feel the bustle of people, and the warmth of libations in her belly. Even her subtle flirting with the bartender is helping her feel more like a person again. It had been a long winter, and maybe her misery was starting to thaw.
"I'll be right back." Regina says excusing herself and making her way to the restroom.
The bathroom is small and both stalls are taken, so Regina decides to freshen up her make up while she waits.
"You have got to be fucking kidding me." Emma says blankly as she steps out of one of two stalls in the bathroom.
The sound of Emma's voice sends Regina's heart plummeting. She sees the sheriff in the mirror's reflection and she slowly continues reapplying her mascara as she tries to appear unfazed.
"Good evening to you as well Miss Swan." Regina comments evenly. Emma responds with an odd laugh and stands next to Regina to wash her hands in the sink. Emma's perfume lingers in the air, and the proximity of her body causes a warm flush over Regina's skin.
"Fucking bathrooms." Emma mumbles as she reaches for a paper towel to dry her hands. It would be fitting that she had been able to avoid Regina for almost a month, but the moment she enters a public restroom – there she was.
"What's that Miss Swan?" Regina asks, not having understood whatever Emma had muttered under her breath.
"Nothing. Enjoy your evening. I'm sure you and the bartender will have a lovely time. I hope your little girlfriend isn't the jealous type." Emma has no idea what she is saying. It seems to be erupting from deep inside of her like a dormant volcano rumbling to life. She can feel an anger boiling inside of her, and there is nothing she can do to contain it, not when she has been drinking this much.
Regina feels the familiar power of the upper hand just as a young woman emerges from the other stall. Sensing the tension, the girl quickly washes her hands before bolting out of the restroom. No one would want to stand between two charging bulls. When the door closes softly behind her, Regina and Emma are left alone in the enclosed space.
"Why Sheriff Swan, are you jealous?" She asks with her slow words dipped in not-so-well-hidden surprise.
"I couldn't give a fuck what you do Regina." Emma says with a strange laugh, but her anger and continued presence in the bathroom betray her real feelings.
"I doubt that very much." Regina responds, her eyes are dark and dangerous as they focus in on Emma standing before her like an angry teenager. Emma doesn't move away for fear of looking weak, and so when Regina stops walking she ends up only inches from her face. "I think you do indeed," Regina pauses and leans in closer, her lips almost grazing the shell of Emma's ear "give a fuck." The whispered curse sends a surge of heat down Emma's body. She takes a small step back but Regina follows, her own heart thumping so hard in her chest she fears it will burst.
"I don't." Emma says weakly closing her eyes and reveling in the scent of Regina's skin. She wants to feel the mayor under her clothes. Their bodies and souls honest and bare.
"I don't believe you." Regina whispers, her lips grazing Emma's jaw and the lightly pressing against her cheek. Emma is caught off guard by the other woman's tone, which is completely devoid of pretense. Regina's hands cautiously take hold of Emma's waist, and her lips begin their delicate assault on Emma's neck.
Emma's eyes remain shut, and her body trembles in response to Regina's light touches and gentle kisses. She has never felt the weight of contact with another person so intensely. It feels like Regina has somehow connected to her soul. As if this is what her body had been made for - to receive the affections of her only real enemy. She wants to feel Regina's lips against hers. She wants to have Regina inside of her and all over her. Emma's thoughts are hot and sticky and hardly make any sense.
The moment has swept Regina up too, and she knows what she is doing is insane but she can't bring her self to stop. Regina finally admits it to herself. Emma had been right all along. Regina wants her. All of her.
"Regina." Emma whispers, but she's not sure why.
"Yes." Regina responds, pulling herself away from Emma's body to look into dark green eyes like a stormy churning sea.
Emma is shocked to find Regina's expression seems sincere and almost hopeful. Another trick, she tells herself quickly. Another tool of manipulation. It is the only thing that makes sense to Emma's inebriated brain. She can't accept any other reality. It would be too dangerous. Regina doesn't have any real feeling for me or anyone. Everyone is a tool for her. The voice inside Emma's head is getting angry again, and she rips herself from Regina's grasp. Regina's hands recoil up to her chest as if releasing something scalding hot. Her face has turned to horror and embarrassment as she turns away from Emma. Regina's pulse is still racing and now an ache has replaced excitement in her chest.
They stand silently for a moment until Emma turns on her heels and walks out of the bathroom in wide hurried steps. It's only another few moments before she settles her tab and disappears into the night. Her mind is a knotted mess of confusion. She wasn't ready for that kind of encounter with Regina. She had almost fallen for her bullshit. No. She tells herself again. Impossible. She frees herself of the wild notion that she had shared an honest intimate moment with Regina Mills. It was payback for her own twisted games and she knew it.
Regina returns to her seat minutes later. Kathryn had been so engaged with the bartender she hadn't noticed how long Regina has been gone, and for that the mayor was infinitely grateful.
"Ready?" Regina manages without revealing her distress, and pulls out a large bill to cover their food and drinks for the evening. "Keep the change." Regina says with a tight smile, and the bartender eyes go wide.
Kathryn scrunches her eyebrows in mild confusion, but she agrees and follows her friend out to the parking lot.
"Are you alright?" Kathryn asks when they arrive at Regina's car.
"Yes." Regina responds in one syllable for fear that anymore and her voice will crack. She needs to keep the mask from slipping off her face for just a little bit longer.
In the silence of the black sedan, Regina tries to convince herself that she was just toying with Emma. That she was merely regaining the upper hand. She hadn't really felt anything, it was just the wine having gone to her head. But the notions ring false even in her own mind, and the sick feeling conquers her chest until she drops Kathryn off and finally crawls into her own bed where she can fall apart in peace.
Sleep had evaded Ruby all night, and so she had no trouble hearing the faint knock at her door. Somehow she knew, even before looking in the peephole, exactly who was on her doorstep in the middle of the night.
As soon as the door creaks open Emma second guesses her decision to come here.
"I'm sorry." Emma starts to say while turning around to head back to the street, when she feels Ruby's hand at her elbow.
"Shh, just come inside before you wake Granny." Ruby whispers leading Emma into the tiny apartment inside the inn.
Ruby shakes her head when Emma tries to speak again and places a finger over her lips to signal her to remain silent. Granny had the ears of a German Shepard, and if she caught Emma here at this hour and drunk, they would both be in for it. Ruby leads Emma to her bedroom and helps her climb into bed after removing her coat, jacket and boots and unbuttoning her skinny jeans. Emma tries to protest, but is ultimately too weak and goes with whatever Ruby does. She drinks the water and aspirin that are offered, and Emma falls asleep almost the moment her head hits the pillow.
The chair in Ruby's room reclines and it doesn't take much to make it comfortable. She settles in and watches Emma sleep. There is no denying the girl looks like shit. Ruby feels guilty that she is partly responsible for her agony. She wonders what Emma has been thinking about in their time apart. Ruby notices that Emma seems smaller somehow, and almost fragile. These are words she never thought she could associate with Emma, and it makes her feel even worse for her distance and lack of effort since their fight.
Ruby sighs, giving in to the love she still feels for Emma, and acknowledging that she has indeed missed her. The leather jacket tossed on the floor near her chair catches Ruby's attention, and she extends her arm to reach for it. Ruby's long slender fingers run over the cool material of Emma's sleeve, and Ruby closes her eyes to recall how many times she had embraced Emma wearing this very garment. Ruby's hands grip the jacket and bring up to her face almost automatically, she breathes in the scent trapped in the collar and her eyes spring open. It wasn't just Emma's scent on the leather. It was Regina's. Ruby's eyes narrow at the woman sleeping in her bed.
A/N: Oh my girls are such a hot mess, aren't they?
Thank you for reading, and I'm sorry for the long delay! This story is hard for me to work on - and I feel like I have to get in a bit of a dark place to write it well, so I'm sorry that it took so long. I hope you enjoy. I have about 6 or 7 more chapters planned out, so I hope you stick with me. Please leave a review if you're so inclined ;)
All mistakes are mine, and even tough I read it for errors I'm sure I left some, so please excuse my typos.
Impecibledis0rder - if you read this send me a message! I was so proud to finish this for you, but you left Tumblr and I'm sad!