A/N: Thanks so much for your kind reviews on the last chapter! I wasn't sure about it since the tone was pretty different from the rest of the story and I didn't want to meander too much, so hearing your thoughts definitely meant a lot to me.

Here's the next chapter. It's on the longer side. I hope you like it. And as always, thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

"Derek," Addison chokes. "What is it? What is it you're not telling me?"

They're sitting on the couch in his office. His arm is wrapped around her waist. His eyes are misty and sunken in.

She knows whatever he's about to say is bad.

"Addie, it's about Vivian."

"No," Addison breathes as tears spring to her eyes. "No. Derek. She's okay, right? She has to be okay. Derek, what happened?"

"I … I got a page." He swallows thickly. "911. I rushed to Vivian's room as quickly as I could." He shakes his head sadly. "She'd had a seizure. A really bad one."

"What?" Addison gulps in disbelief. "No." Her fingers desperately reach for his as she clings to him closely. And he clings back. "Derek, is she …?" But she can't get out the rest. "Is she …?"

"The doctors and nurses in her hospital room said she was too far gone. And she signed a DNR."

"No," Addison whimpers, burying her head in his scrub top, her hot tears soaking the flimsy fabric. "But I never got to … She wasn't supposed to … She can't …"

She can't complete her sentences. There are no words for something like this. All she can do is cry … loudly and ungracefully.

"I ignored it," Derek whispers.

She looks up at him, her eyes red and raw. "What?"

"The DNR. I ignored it."

Addison swallows thickly as she takes in what Derek is saying. "Is she …?"

"Alive," Derek fills in quietly. "Yeah. She is."

"Really?" Addison asks in disbelief.

"Really."

She collapses in her husband's arms and buries her head in the crook of his neck as a wave of fresh tears begins to fall.

"Thank you," she whispers, her arms encircling his neck. "Thank you so much, Derek."

He nods mutely as he pulls her closer. It doesn't feel right saying you're welcome.

"It doesn't look good, Addie," he admits after a minute. "Vivian's alive, but …"

He finds himself unable to finish that sentence. He delivers this type of news to patients and their families day-in and day-out without even flinching. But delivering this type of news to Addison … it's a completely different story.

She doesn't say anything. Just clings to him desperately as she continues to cry into his scrub top.

"Addie?" he prods gently.

"I'm okay," she mumbles into his shirt.

He can literally feel her shaking against him. "No." He presses a kiss to her hair. "No, you're not."

She shakes her head in defeat. She's not okay. She reluctantly pulls away from her husband and meets his eyes. She's shaking and nauseous and literally feels like she might collapse at any moment.

"You ignored the DNR?" she asks quietly, struggling for some semblance of composure.

He nods. "Richard's furious with me, but … I had to."

"Thank you," she whispers, tears and mascara staining her cheeks.

He nods. Again, it doesn't feel right to say you're welcome.

Sure, Richard is angry with him, and Derek gets that. But he'd do it again in a heartbeat. He wasn't about to give up on Vivian without a fight. And the look in Addison's eyes makes Richard's anger totally and completely worth it.

"Once she regains a little strength, we'll run some tests. And we'll—"

But she cuts him off, crashing her lips against his, kissing him deeply and pulling him on top of her.

"Add—" he struggles.

"Please, Derek," she begs, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him in closer.

He kisses her back. He knows he shouldn't. But he does anyway.

He can feel her trembling against him. He can taste her salty tears on her lips.

He pulls away.

"Derek, please." She wraps her arms around him and desperately tries to pull him back on top of her. But he doesn't budge.

"I can't," he says quietly. "Not like this."

He can see the hurt in her eyes. She looks broken, devastated … so vulnerable. And that's exactly why he can't do it.

She's hurting. And when she's hurting, she doesn't think clearly. And he doesn't want to take advantage of her vulnerability.

That's something Mark does.

And he needs to believe his own relationship with Addison is different.

He's oversimplifying things and he knows it. But right now he can't handle the nuances of Addison and Mark. Because if he starts down that path, he'll most likely get angry. And right now he can't be angry. Right now, he needs to be able to comfort Addison. He wants to be able to comfort her.

He gently pulls her into his lap and wraps his arms around her. Intimacy without sex—another difference between him and Mark. He can give her that. He likes to think Mark can't.

"I ruined your shirt," she mumbles, gesturing to his tear and mascara-stained scrub top.

"Don't worry about it," he answers automatically. The last thing he needs her worrying about right now is a stupid scrub top.

His eyes travel down to the envelope she's holding in her left hand. He hadn't noticed it until now.

"What's that?"

She gulps back a wave of fresh tears. "I'm being sued. I just got served."

"What?"

She nods her head in defeat.

His ears are ringing. He can literally feel the blood coursing through his veins.

"Seriously?"

She's too focused on choking back tears to respond. And without thinking about what he's doing, he springs up from his couch in his office and races through the hallway, leaving a stunned and confused Addison behind.

He doesn't know how he knows that Sean is in the hospital. He just does. And he doesn't know why he knows to go directly to the cafeteria. Intuition, he supposes.

But when he arrives at the cafeteria, in record time, he sees Sean sitting there, picking at a salad. He only met her briefly, and it was years ago, but he recognizes her. And he wastes no time storming over to her.

"You've got a lot of nerve, you know that?"

She looks up at him in confusion. "Excuse me, do I know you?" she asks mildly.

"You're suing my wife," Derek retorts. "For doing exactly what you asked her to do."

"Is that what she's telling you?"

"She doesn't need to tell me anything," Derek shouts. "I was there. I was there when she performed the surgery. And I was there when you thanked her profusely."

"That was five years ago," Sean points out. "A lot can change in five years."

Derek can't deny the truth in Sean's statement as he instantaneously thinks about him and Addison. Their marriage has certainly changed over five years. Maybe Sean has a point.

"It doesn't matter," Derek persists, taking an aggressive step toward Sean. "Addison did exactly what you asked her to do. She did what no other doctor was willing or able to do. She saved your daughter's life!"

"That's debatable," Sean says coolly. "My daughter will never have a chance at a normal life. Your wife failed to mention that. She failed to mention that Gwen's spina bifida would tear our family apart, drive my husband away, and make every day a challenge. So, I'm sorry, Dr. Shepherd, but when you say your wife saved my daughter's life … well, I have a hard time agreeing with you there."

"She gave your daughter a chance," Derek screams back. "Which is more than you can say about anyone else." He glares at Sean hatefully. "I'm sorry your husband left. And I'm sorry that Gwen's life and your life didn't turn out the way you planned. But that does not give you the right to make up these bullshit lies and try to damage the career and reputation of the one person who has tried to help you since day one. Since before day one, actually," he seethes. "So if I were you, I'd march your sorry ass back to your attorney and—"

"What the hell is going on down here?"

Derek turns, breathing heavily. "Chief?"

"I said what's going on?" Richard demands. "Do you know how many noise complaints I've received?" He looks at Derek pointedly. "I could hear you yelling from my office. Now I'm going to ask you one more time, what in the world is going on?"

"It's private," Derek mutters, still out of breath.

"It's not private," Sean counters. "I'm suing his wife for wrongful birth and he freaked out."

"Because there is no lawsuit!" Derek shouts back. "Addison did exactly what she wanted her to do." He glares at Sean hatefully. "You're being opportunistic and you know it. And I'm not freaking out."

"No," Richard mutters, rolling his eyes. "You're the picture of calm." He turns to Sean. "I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."

"It's Sean," Derek inserts. "Sean Petrucci."

"Sean," Richard says, offering her a reconciliatory smile. "Why don't we talk in my office?" He turns to Derek. "Shepherd, why don't you take a few minutes to compose yourself?"

"I'm calm," Derek insists.

"Right. Of course. Why don't you take a few minutes to yourself, then? To, um … enhance your calm."

"Fine."

He watches Richard and Sean's retreating forms, still shooting daggers at Sean as she walks away. He's about to go find Addison when he feels a light hand on his shoulder. He turns and sees Meredith standing there in front of him.

"You're not okay." Statement not question.

"I'm fine."

"Derek, you're yelling at everyone who crosses your path. This isn't you."

He sighs and turns her words over in his head. She's right and wrong. McDreamy doesn't yell. Derek does.

You don't wanna yell? You?

You could yell if you want to. I can take it, I'm ready.

He pinches the bridge of his nose. "That woman is a horrible mother," he mutters, purposefully changing the topic. "And a miserable human being."

"Sounds a lot like my mother," Meredith shrugs.

Derek feels his throat tighten at that. It's not the same and he knows it.

From what he's heard about Ellis Grey, he knows she wasn't a gold-star mother. But she's not in the same league as Sean. And the comparison is kind of insulting.

Ellis Grey never tried to exploit her daughter's very existence for money. Quite the opposite, actually. Meredith is living in her mother's house, rent-free. Because of who her mother is Meredith has the financial stability that most medical interns don't. (And he'd venture to guess that the trip Meredith took across Europe was also financed by Ellis Grey). While he, of course, knows that money is no replacement for love and emotional security, it's also pretty clear that Meredith has had no qualms with enjoying her mother's wealth.

Maybe he's off base. But he suspects he's not.

But that doesn't even scratch the surface of why it's unfair to compare Ellis Grey to Sean Petrucci. Ellis Grey isn't attempting to ruin his wife's reputation just because her own life didn't work out the way she'd planned. Again, quite the opposite. From what he's gathered, Ellis' personal life wasn't what she'd dreamed it would be. But she went to work every day and saved lives. She inspired surgeons.

He feels the anger building in his throat and he knows he needs to walk away before he says or does something that McDreamy wouldn't do.

"I should have some lunch," Derek mutters. "I get short-tempered when I'm hungry."

Meredith nods. "Food's always a good thing."

He shrugs halfheartedly. He's actually not drastically affected by hunger. As a surgeon who spends hours on end operating on patients, he can't be. But Meredith doesn't know this about him. And he kind of likes that.

Fresh start, clean slate.

"Eat with me?"

She looks at him warily. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Why not? We both need to eat, don't we?"

"I guess, but … No, I guess you're right."

Derek smiles in satisfaction. "I usually am."

And as he and Meredith eat lunch together, he can't help thinking about how easy things are with her. How uncomplicated things are.

Of course, this thought immediately spawns another thought. A thought he wishes he could forget, but can't.

He knows Meredith is saying something, but he's somewhere else completely. Somewhere far away. Elven-plus years away, to be exact.

~ I hear the clock tick and think of you ~

"You've been married a while, right?"

Derek's mentor, Edward, looks at him in surprise. "Twenty-one years."

"That's a long time," Derek nods. "Did you write your own vows?"

"No. We didn't. It was a very traditional ceremony."

"Oh." Derek runs a hand through his hair. "Addison and I are writing our own vows."

"How's that going?"

Derek shrugs. "It's harder than I thought it would be. These could very well be the most important words I ever say to Addison. And I … I want to get it right."

"Do you want my two cents?"

"Always."

"These won't be the most important words you ever say to Addison. They're important, yes. But weddings are happy occasions; it's easy to say and do the right things when things are going well. I've found that it's what you do and say when things aren't going well that matters most. The good times are easy. The bad times, less so." He sighs. "Traditional wedding vows may not be the most inspired things in the world, but they do a nice job reminding us that marriage isn't just about committing to the good times."

"For richer, for poorer. In sickness and in health," Derek recites quietly.

"Exactly," Edward nods. "Anyone can commit to the good times. But it's what you do and say in the bad times that really show your true colors. Do you shut down and walk away? Or do you stay and fight? Do you make everything about you? Or do you try to see things from the other person's perspective?" He shrugs lightly. "That's probably more than you wanted to hear."

"No, no," Derek insists. "I should be taking notes. Thank you, Edward. That was …" he swallows thickly. "More helpful than you probably realize.

~ Confusion is nothing new ~

He didn't have much of an appetite before, and he certainly doesn't have one now. Not with the guilt and nausea that are curdling in his stomach.

I, Derek, take thee, Addison, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until death do us part.

But what about adultery? There's no stipulation for that in the wedding vows.

Still, he can't help thinking about his mentor's words. Do you shut down and walk away? Or do you stay and fight? Do you make everything about you? Or do you try to see things from the other person's perspective?

When he's being totally and completely honest with himself, Derek knows he's not fighting for his marriage.

But he's also not sure it's worth it.

But maybe it is.

Because when he's being totally and completely honest with himself, he knows he and Meredith are still in the honeymoon phase. He's still on his best behavior around her. They haven't overcome any monumental struggles together … like med school or his sister's addiction or the deaths of their relatives.

Hell, he hasn't even told her about his dad.

Maybe it's because, to her, he's McDreamy … and bad things don't happen to McDreamy. Or maybe it's because the most raw and vulnerable pieces of his life still firmly belong to someone else.

"Derek, you're not eating," Meredith says, cutting into his thoughts.

Derek looks up from his salad in surprise. "Huh?"

"I thought you said you were hungry."

"Oh, I …" He fiddles with his salad a bit before giving up. "I guess I'm not."

Meredith looks at him closely. "Derek, I know you're not okay. But you need to be okay, you know? Because you're sitting here and stuff, but it's like I don't even know you."

He makes an attempt at a rebuttal. But it's weak, at best. Because deep down, he couldn't agree more.

xxxxx

She's making her way toward Vivian's room, but when she sees that Vivian already has a visitor, she decides not to go in. Instead, she lingers in the doorway, close enough to hear everything, but far enough away to go unnoticed.

Vivian is lying in bed, sedated, and Richard is sitting by her side talking to her.

"You're the only one around this place who knows them as well as I do," Richard begins. "So, you'd get it." He shakes his head. "There's something about Addison and Derek Shepherd that makes them public interest stories. It was like that in New York, and it's like that here." He sighs. "Of course, in New York, it was relatively harmless … idle gossip … mostly people betting on when she'd get pregnant. But here," he continues, looking down at his hands, "here's it's not so lighthearted. Here it's vicious." He runs a hand across his face. "Derek lost it on a woman who's suing Addison," he confides, chuckling slightly. "I had to act like I was angry with him … just like I had to pretend I was angry with him for ignoring your DNR. But the truth is I'm proud of him. I can't tell him that, but … well, you know how that goes. It's just … the Derek Shepherd who moved out to Seattle isn't the Derek Shepherd I remember." He rolls his eyes. "The interns call him McDreamy. And he lets them. But today … when he defended Addison, it was like old times." A small smile forms on his face. "Hey, do you remember that time when …?"

Vivian, of course, can't answer. But Addison knows exactly what Richard's referring to.

And she can't help remembering.

~ I fall behind ~

"Haven't we waited long enough? When are you going to give us some information?"

Addison looks at her patient's husband. "I know the wait is hard, Kevin," she begins sympathetically. "We're just waiting for a couple more tests to come back, and then—"

"Then what?!" the husband demands, cutting her off. "This was supposed to be a routine checkup. We've been here for hours. My wife has taken seven different tests, she's had three different ultrasounds, and we've met with two different Dr. Shepherds," he concludes angrily, gesturing in Derek's direction for emphasis.

"I know," Addison says compassionately. "And I'm sorry. I know this is hard."

"Oh, do you?" Kevin retorts sarcastically. "I bet the fact that you're getting paid to be here makes it a lot less hard for you, huh? Listen," he continues, taking an aggressive step toward Addison, "We've been waiting here for hours, and you are literally the most incompetent, idiotic per—"

"Shut the hell up!" Derek thunders, stepping in between his wife and Kevin. He glares at Kevin hatefully. "Look, Kevin, I can't imagine how hard this is for you. But I've been practicing medicine for a while … and usually when a doctor orders seven different tests and performs three different ultrasounds, it's not to give you a good prognosis. So, if the labs come back, and your son needs medical attention ... which I'm fairly confident he will … it's probably not the smartest idea to insult the doctors you'll need to save his life."

"But I—"

"And just so we're on the same page," Derek continues dryly. "If your definition of the most incompetent, idiotic person you know is a double-board certified surgeon and one of the most highly sought out doctors in the country … well, then you must know a lot fucking-smart people, Kevin. So, why don't you quit harassing my wife and start comforting yours?"

Kevin rolls his eyes. "Double-board certified," he sniffs. "Only because she slept her way to the—"

"Say one more word like that about my wife, and I'll put you in a permanent coma."

"I'd like to see you try. I'd like to—"

"Derek, come on," Addison says, taking her husband's arm, before a fight erupts. "He's not worth it."

She drags him out into the hallway before he has time to argue. She can be surprisingly strong when she wants to be.

"You should have let me deck him," Derek mutters.

"And risk your career? Absolutely not."

"Well, how about the way he disrespected you and your career?" He shakes his head. "Addison, you worked really hard to get where you are, and I'm not going to let some asshole try to take that away from you."

A small smile spreads across Addison's face. "Thanks, Derek. That … means a lot. But what about your career? You worked really hard to get where you are too. You love medicine."

Derek shrugs. "I love you more."

"Derek."

"It's true," he insists. "Addison, I'm your husband. I'm not going to stand there and let someone hurt you. That goes for our patient's jerk of a husband … and anyone else. They have to go through me first."

"Der—"

"And I know … I know you can handle yourself. Trust me, it's one of the many reasons I love you. But, you also have someone in your corner," he says, pressing a kiss to her temple. "Always."

Addison can't help the smile that's forming on her face. She firmly believes she has the greatest husband in the world, and moments like this only strengthen her conviction.

"Always is a long time," she tells Derek, her voice thick.

"I know," he smiles. "Every day until eternity."

~ The second hand unwinds ~

"I was so proud of him," Richard admits, ripping Addison from her thoughts. "Especially when he threatened to put the patient's husband in a permanent coma." He shakes his head. "Again, I had to pretend to be angry at him. But how could I be? And I'm telling you, Vivian, when I saw Derek in the cafeteria today yelling at Sean Petrucci … I felt like I was being transported back in time." He lowers his voice as though sharing a secret. "I think he still loves Addison. I know he does. And deep down I think he knows he does too. I think he's just too scared to admit it. Too scared or too proud or—"

But he cuts himself off. Vivian is stirring. She's waking up.

"Vivian?" Richard says softly. "How are you? Take your time," he advises gently as she acclimates to her surroundings. "Your body has been through a lot. Take your time."

"You're right," Vivian mumbles groggily.

"Excuse me?" Richard asks in confusion.

Vivian yawns. Her voice is exhausted, but perfectly comprehensible. "Whatever you were saying before … I didn't catch the gist of it … actually, I didn't catch any of it. But you sounded serious. I've known you for a long time, Richard, and whenever you sound that serious, you're usually right."

Richard chuckles, but he quickly grows serious as he thinks about Addison and Derek. "In this situation I suspect I'm right. At least, I hope I am."

Vivian nods and gives him an exhausted smile. "I hope you're right too."

From her spot in the doorway, Addison feels a shiver run up her spine. Vivian is awake and alert—that in itself is monumental enough.

But Vivian is also optimistic about her and Derek. When Weiss was optimistic about their marriage, Addison dismissed it.

But Vivian's different.

Hearing Vivian say positive things about her marriage—despite the fact that Vivian has no idea what she and Richard are talking about—makes something in Addison shift.

For the first time in a long time, she feels something different. Something she hasn't felt in a long time. Something that isn't quite hope, but closely resembles it.

And right now, maybe that's enough.