A/N: Here is the tenth chapter! I'm sorry it took so long to write but here it finally is. And here is the part we have all been waiting for! I hope you guys like it and please give any feedback that you may have. Please enjoy~
Today was the last day for the war debriefing, this was the one that Admiral Xen was invited to. The eldest Admiral, Rann, decided that it would be best for Xen to be involved in the hearing so she would know what to expect during the raid.
"I got word that Shepard is going to be here tomorrow, so we need to go over some kind of strategy." Tali spoke to the Admirals, though it was apparent that something about the youngest was off at that moment. It could have been the fact that she knew that the battle was coming up and she was getting cold feet. It would make sense for that to be the reason.
Admiral Garrel was the next one to speak up, "We already have a strategy, it's already been decided." He spoke arrogantly, his idea was a direct attack that would leave many dead before they would get to Rannoch. Fool.
Admiral Rann shook her head objecting to the idea, "No. It's too dangerous. We need to distract them by taking out the weaker points to catch them off guard. A frontal attack would be suicide." She explained knowing that the arrogant admiral would ignore her words and go along with his own plan.
"I'm admiral of the heavy fleet, and what I say goes." That was Garrel's only reply, it was the only reply that he needed to make everyone else shut up.
"That's something that really needs to change quickly." Xen thought sitting back in the chair watching and waiting for another argument to break out.
"Aren't we going to have to go through ground assaults as well when we reach the homeworld?" That was Rina's voice and Xen didn't even notice she was in there. She must have been out of it to not notice the familiar enviro-suit among the rest of them.
"Yes, we are going to need ground troops as well," Admiral Rann spoke up before Garrel had the chance to cut in, "what about it?" she questioned.
"I volunteer to go with the rest." Rina spoke up raising her hand to volunteer for the dangerous job earning Xen's ire. Is she out of her right mind?
"Absolutely not," Xen spoke up rejecting the little quarian's offer to assist with the war, knowing that she would probably be obliterated by the geth within seconds.
"Why not?" Rina's question was directed at the youngest admiral, who refused to even hear out her reasons for wanting to do so.
"Rina, you have no combat experience let alone the sense to duck. Do you even know how to use a weapon or would you die from infection from shooting yourself in the foot?" Xen pressed, in full set panic mode. She was aware that she was making matters worse, but she wasn't thinking right now. She couldn't think of anything else besides Rina getting herself killed on Rannoch.
The twenty-two year old didn't say anything after that and Rann was quick to cut in, "Either way, Xen. A lot of our people are going to be in danger with this war going on, participating or not. A lot of people are going to get killed." She explained trying to convince Xen to let Rina participate if she really wanted to.
Casualities of war, my foot. Xen didn't say a word as she stood up from her chair to leave the war room. She didn't have anything to say after that, she couldn't bear the thought of losing Rina to this war. It was too hard for her to accept or let alone hear something like this. Maybe this is what she meant when she told me Zorris was going to war, what she was supposed to feel? It was a good thing that she didn't up feeling this way, it was one of the worst feelings ever.
Xen headed straight for her lab, it was the one place where she felt at peace. The only place where she can process her useless thoughts and feelings, the only place that mattered. And there was an engine that needed to be clean, if she recalled correctly.
Hours passed after that. Xen was still in her lab cleaning the engine that was nearly complete, and she forgot all of her worries for the time being. This is why she adored her engines dearly, they made her feel complete whenever she felt empty and now they help her forget her stupid petty emotions for that stupid girl.
There was a small knock on the door and Xen could feel all the emotions from before hit her like a tenfold, "What is it?" she called out unable to tare her eyes from her engine. She knew exactly who it was that was on the other side, and she didn't feel ready to face them quite yet.
"Admiral?" The serene voice called out, and she let out an eternal sigh the moment it hit her. Xen slowly turned her head to see Rina walk in carrying a small box in her arms, "I was hoping that you were in here. I didn't want to miss the chance to give you this." the young girl motioned her head in the direction of the box.
"What is it?" Xen questioned eyeing the box in the girl's arm with curiosity, finding it strange that Rina would come in with gifts after the tense encounter they had earlier.
"A peace offering," Rina chimed before walking over toward the dissection table to place it down, "I made it a while ago and I wanted you to have it." She stated twirling her fingers together shyly.
Xen was feeling flustered as she crossed her arms strictly pretending that receiving the piece offering didn't mean anything to her, "Why are you trying so hard to get killed? Do you truly believe that your life means so little?" she questioned cutting straight to the chase. She wanted answers and she didn't feel like sugar coating her concerns.
Rina was silent as she took a seat on the chair, she probably realized that she wouldn't be able to get away with leaving everything unanswered this time. "I don't want to die." She reassured Xen's worries, but didn't give any explaination.
"How do you expect me to believe that? Why else are you willing to throw it away?" Xen pressed for more answers, not satisfied with Rina's tip toe answers.
"Because I'm tired of sitting around and watching like a waste of space," Rina finally answered confessing her inner feelings to the cold Admiral, "I never did anything to help anyone else. I didn't do anything when my mother left me or when my friends all died on my pilgrimage. All I did was sit around and made myself believe that everything was going to be okay and it's not! I'm tired of it all, I'm tired of being stupid useless reckless Rina who can't do anything right!" her voice was starting to crack like she was starting to cry as she stood back up and she actually rose her voice for the first time.
Rina. Xen couldn't find the words as she watched the young girl break down in front of her with her true feelings. She never imagined what kind of feelings could be lurking around in Rina with all of her confessions that she was finally spewing out after being bottled up for so long.
"We have such a sad and screwed up history, there is never any joy being a Quarian. We get spat at, harassed, and are forced to relive the mistakes of our ancestors. What's the point of being alive if all we have is our misery to live on? I ask myself that question so many times and I force myself to be happy..that's why I am that way. Stupid. Useless. Trash. I make myself believe that everything is fine and there's no need for improvements..I'm so stupid." Rina whispered pulling off her face mask once more to reveal the mess of tears streaming from her big red eyes.
Xen felt her own eyes water with the grim scene unfolding before her. There were so many things running through her mind at the moment. Rina was going to get sick again from her foolish behavior, but that wasn't the only thing eating at Xen. She never knew Rina felt this way, she always assumed she was truly the happy fool that she's had the displeasure of encountering many times over. She didn't knew this Rina even existed.
"Rina," Xen called out to the younger girl who was now holding her face in her hands, "Shut your mouth and look at me." The woman snarled as she roughly grabbed Rina's arms to yank them away from her face.
Rina stumbled back from the surprising pull from the admiral and slowly looked up at her with sad eyes, "There's nothing that you can tell me that I haven't told myself already." She clarified shaking slightly from Xen's force.
"Yes, there is. You are stupid, you really are. There are many times I looked at you and thought to myself, 'who in the right mind can be this stupid' and no other answers came up except for you." Xen really didn't know how to deal with these situations at all, "More importantly, you are stupid for keeping all of these feelings to yourself when I told you that you can talk to me if you had anything bothering you. But instead you wait until the very last moment to rip off your mask and start sobbing like a buffoon. Are you out of your damn mind?" Yes, Xen really went there.
Rina couldn't bring herself to say anything to the harsh words and her bright glowing eyes veered down at the ground as the admiral went on.
"You're stupid, but you're not worthless or trashy in any sense. You just make the worst decisions of all time," Xen moved one of her hands to cup Rina's chin to make her look up at her, "Still, I can't bring myself to stop thinking about you. I try every day and night to get rid of this awful feelings you cursed me with, but I can't. I can't forget about them or you, for that matter. Why did you do this to me for so long?" she questioned, her tone was softer this time. Longing.
Rina's facial expression changed from the mopey stage to full-on shock, she wasn't expecting any of the words that the admiral was saying, "Y-You?" she whispered in disbelief.
Xen released Rina's wrist to move her hand over to her own face mask to take it off as well to get a better look at her, "From the moment I had the displeasure of accepting you into my crew after that awful pilgrimage gift, I've felt strange. It certainly didn't get any better with you rubbing that idiot in my face every chance you had. It was difficult for me to fathom." She confessed staring into Rina's glowing eyes with her own, fully exposed.
"W-What are you saying, Admiral?" Rina questioned, flustered and in shock as her cheeks flushed to a bright pink color.
"I can't get rid of you. No matter how much I want to or I try, you're something that I can't let go. You stupid fool, what have you done to me?" Xen whispered, before finally closing the distance between them this time.
If anything were happen to you, it'll kill me worse than any airborne infection ever could.