Chapter 10: In which the Author is Not Dead
Alice lifted the odd glowing box to her face.
All eyes were on her, as Shikamaru struggled to catch his breath, and Tayuya watched incredulously.
It was the perfect opportunity for a ninja to launch a sneak-attack.
So naturally, Temari took advantage of it.
Seconds later, Tayuya was out cold, Shikamaru was looking sheepish, and Temari was looking extremely smug.
Alice was looking oddly relieved.
"Thank you, stranger. I wasn't looking forward to going madder for a while. Red just isn't my colour," she said, dropping a slight curtsey. Temari just gave her a somewhat confused look, but nodded her acknowledgement of the thanks, and then turned to Shikamaru.
"I see you're still fighting girls," the blonde Sand-nin said to him.
Shikamaru just rolled his eyes skywards and muttered "Troublesome" under his breath. He made a few handsigns, and then sealed Tayuya's unconscious body into a scroll. That done, he shoved the scroll into a pocket and scowled. Women. Always causing him problems.
"Why are you even here?" Shikamaru demanded.
"Heard you Konoha nin might need to be bailed out of a bit of trouble," Temari said. "Haven't you Leaf kids learned not to bite off more than you can chew?"
To her surprise, he just waved dismissively at her. "No, no I know why you are here. Obviously Tsunade-sama decided to test the worth of the alliance. And if Suna sent your team then they're probably serious. Or hoping that if your brother decides to go back to the insanity, only Konoha-nin will get hurt. But seeing as you look considerably more relaxed than the last time I saw you, I'm going to go with option 1. Which is good for you, because the price of rice in Suna is going to drop by fourteen percent because of it, and it's good for us, because we're going to need your help to drag that Uchiha bastard back from these Sound assholes. Whatever weird shit Orochimaru has been grafting into them has made them a little tougher than anticipated." Shikamaru stopped for a breath, and Temari did her best not to gape. Damn. It wasn't like she thought that he was stupid- his out-manouevring of her in the chunin exams was proof enough that he was smart- but shit she was still underestimating this kid.
Shikamaru acknowledged her surprise with a lazy eyeroll, and then continued. "I was asking her what in the name of the nine tailed beasts is she doing here, when I specifically said she was not requested for this mission? Alice, why are you not still in Konoha?"
Temari raised an eyebrow. Shikamaru sounded pissed. Though to be fair, Temari would be pretty annoyed if someone had butted in on one of her missions, as this Alice chick seemed to have done.
The Alice chick however seemed completely unperturbed by the uncharacteristic tones from the Nara kid. She brushed some dust away from her apron, and then smiled eerily. Temari tried to ignore the creeping sensation of the hairs on the back of her neck standing on end.
"Something told me I would be needed," Alice said simply. "And I always listen to Something, because she tends to be right. You would have managed without me, but then you would be broken, and take too long, and Naruto would be late for tea." Her grin widened. "I like Naruto. He's got a ragemonster inside like mine. Except that it isn't his like mine is mine. Someone else put it there, and it's a miracle he's as sane as he is, but he isn't as sane as you all seem to assume he is. Odd. You ninja have such very odd standards of sanity." Alice cocked her head suddenly, and turned to Temari. "Where are my manners? My name is Alice Liddell, or as you ninja seem to prefer, Liddell Alice. Though I don't think I'm very Liddell any more..."
"Alice!" A tall, grey, emaciated cat stepped out of the shadows, causing both Temari and Shikamaru to automatically assume defensive postures. The Cat sneered at them both. "Aren't you forgetting something? Several comrades fighting for their lives perhaps? Time is a terrible thing to waste, especially when it is other people's," he half purred.
Alice snapped to attention, and then suddenly, a portal had appeared on the tree next to her.
"Cat," she nodded her slightly chagrinned thanks, and stepped straight through the slightly glowing dark orb. The Cat looked at Temari and Shikamaru questioningly. "Are you not coming? I thought you might want to keep both eyes on the mad woman."
Shikamaru's eyebrows raised. "Aren't you her Summon Cat-san? Most summons have more loyalty to those who hold their contracts."
The Cat made a derisive noise. "Please. Have you ever known a cat to come when called? Alice and I have no... formal agreement. I gather that here, creatures not entirely unlike me... donate their services in fighting your enemies, so long as the..." the Cat grimaced as though he had eaten a lemon, "...Summoner meets their standards. Alice and I have an entirely different relationship."
Slowly, the Cat faded out of existence, until only his grin was visible. "Well come on then, brave warriors," the grin changed subtly until it was a sneer. "On my honour as a Feline, this portal will lead you to a madwoman, two demon-possessed and a boy in green spandex. And those are the people on your side. The portal will close in thirty seconds, otherwise you're going to have to catch up on your own."
Temari looked askance at Shikamaru. He seemed to have at least a clue as to what was going on here. Though the Cat did sound like he was offering help, as back-handed (back-pawed?) as it seemed.
Shikamaru's expression cleared to his habitual boredom, and he just shrugged, before stepping through the portal.
Moments later, Temari jumped in after him.
AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVA
The portal dropped them all out in the middle of a field, overlooking a spot that Shikamaru and Temari instantly recognised as the Valley of the End. To their left, there was a stand of trees.
Shikamaru and Temari turned to Alice, who was standing, waiting, staring intently at the treeline. In her hands was an item that looked like the unholy offspring of an enormous teapot and a shrine guardian statue. It was golden, it was spiky, it had a clock with bizarre-looking numerals on the face, embedded in it, and it was emitting red steam.
Temari, despite her years of practice at keeping an unconcerned expression no matter what she was faced with, goggled.
"What is that?"
Shikamaru's eyebrows were both raised at the sight of the weapon, but he had what he felt was a more pertinent question.
"Why are we here?" he demanded. "Your Cat said that the portal would bring us to my teammates."
Alice didn't turn around, but replied. "He's not my Cat. Cat's own themselves. Sasuke and Naruto will come out of that stand of trees in three... two..."
Suddenly, a dark-haired figure in blue came leaping out of the treeline, closely followed by a blonde in orange.
"SASUKE!" the blonde roared.
Alice braced herself, and then suddenly a shrill whistling noise came from the weird contraption in her hands. Sasuke turned to look, but was immediately distracted by one of the ten kage bunshin that Naruto had sent after him, who had taken his moment of distraction as an opportunity to try and kick him in the face.
Almost negligently, Sasuke popped the kage bunshin with a kunai blow, and then turned to check what that noise had been...
Just in time to get hit directly in the upper arm with some sort of heavy missile that burned, and smelt very bizarrely of over-stewed tea.
Uchiha eyes might be special, but their bones would break the same as any other ninja's given the same stress. Sasuke's humerus fractured immediately.
His scream of agony echoed off the Valley rocks.
Shikamaru was already running forward to snare the Uchiha in his shadow, but he could see already that he wasn't close enough.
Naruto on the other hand, was.
With a shout of rage, he dove forward and bodily tackled his team-mate, mercilessly grabbing onto Sasuke's broken arm.
Sasuke screamed, and struggled, but Naruto was heavier than him, and had a tight grip on his injured arm. Any movement on Sasuke's part caused shooting pains that were impossible to ignore- he had broken bones before in training, but they had usually been healed by medical ninjutsu within minutes, after careful splinting that had not jarred them any further... everyone was careful with the health of the "last" Uchiha.
This pain though, was at least as bad as the pain from the seal had been when Orochimaru had first bitten him. And unlike that time, he was not given the luxury of falling into unconsciousness. Every time it was pulled, it felt like his arm was being torn off. Going by the claws that Naruto had sprouted at some point, for a split-second Sasuke wondered if that was not indeed the case.
About the point where Sasuke was trying to grit his teeth and half-form plans to get Naruto off him, a new, sharp pain suddenly hit the side of his head, and everything mercifully went black.
AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVA
"Damnit!" Naruto roared. He rounded on Shikamaru, who jumped back instinctively at the blast of killing intent.
Naruto stood over the body of his best friend, incandescent with rage.
To all appearances completely oblivious, Alice moved sedately until she was standing in between him and Shikamaru.
"Are you planning on letting out your ragemonster, neighbour?" she asked him politely. Shikamaru noticed, because he couldn't turn the noticing off, that the bizarre contraption that had launched the missile that had knocked down Sasuke was gone, and instead Alice was carrying what looked like some sort of club, with an odd bird-shaped head. Shikamaru shook his head and did his best to focus on the more imminent threat, of Konoha's jinchuriki looking like he was about to flip his lid.
Temari on the other hand stayed right the hell back. A lifetime of experience with a jinchuriki who was always a half-second from being openly homicidal had conditioned her to not step in front of one who had defeated him in battle.
She figured that the Alice girl was suicidal.
To her utter surprise however, Alice's words seemed to work, and Naruto visibly worked to calm down. A few moments later, and Temari and Shikamaru breathed a sigh of relief, as the killing intent dissipated.
Alice simply stared at Naruto for a few moments, and then nodded, unconcernedly causing her club to vanish into thin air.
Temari blinked. Damn. She wanted to know that trick.
Shikamaru took a deep, stabilising breath.
"Right. Alice, can you get the Uchiha back to the village via one of your... portals?"
"No, I cannot." Shikamaru opened his mouth to demand why, but Alice pre-empted him. "The portals come from Chesire Cat. He might, if we ask him nicely. Or he might not, because he's contrary that way. Honestly, anyone would think he grew silver-bells and cockle-shells in his garden."
The Cat suddenly phased into existence a few feet away from them. The ninja did their best to not jump straight out of their skins, whereas Alice merely smiled and asked the Cat if he would allow a ninja to travel with the Uchiha back to Konoha through one of his portals.
"I might," said the Cat.
The ninja waited for him to continue, but he just sat there silently, calmly grinning at them all with his suspiciously human-like teeth.
Unsurprisingly, Naruto broke first. Surprisingly to Shikamaru at least, when he shouted, it was actually something useful and to the point. "What do you want?" the jinchuriki demanded.
The Cat's grin widened. "I want what I have always wanted. I want Alice protected."
…...
A/N: Still Alive, Still Posting. Eventually.