"And I'll use you as a warning sign
That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind
And I'll use you as a focal point
So I don't lose sight of what I want
And I've moved further than I thought I could
But I missed you more than I thought I would
And I'll use you as a warning sign
That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind"

Amber Run, "I Found"

The thunder overhead was nothing compared to the thunder in my chest. I ran and ran, fought and fought, reaped the city clean under my hands and at the end of a bullet. It was all a blur, with nothing but the feeling of my phone buzzing against my ankle with texts I wouldn't open to determine the passage of time.

Be careful. Be careful. Be careful. Her words, more now than they ever had in the year apart, rang in my head like they were tattooed, and all I wanted was to be the opposite. I didn't want to be careful. I wanted to run into Joker and Talia head-on, finish my last business before I go into exile myself. Bruce had the right idea. Sometimes enough was enough and you had to get away.

The church in old Gotham came up as the rain started to pour, and I took refuge under the wings of a gargoyle, my back against the cold granite. I pried my helmet off, tugged my hood up around my face and curled up to the wall. There were three texts from Barbara and Roy, and a voicemail from an unknown number.

Barbara's were everything I expected. Clark just told us about Gail. Oh Jason, I'm so sorry. I would've stopped Dick from telling you if I'd known.

Another. If you need someone, you know where to find me. I'll have Alfred make hot cocoa, just how you like it. With the marshmallows.

That almost won her a smile. I was tempted, but there were other things I needed to take care of first before I hung it up for the night.

Roy's was simple. Be careful tonight, JT. Lian's super fussy and she's wantin her Uncle Jay. I'll keep the light on for you and there'll be leftovers in the fridge.

Although I'd never say so because I wouldn't hear the end of it, but Roy's been exactly what I needed. There if I need him, but when I need him, not before. He and that little girl of his have been something to hold on to. And something told me that they felt the same about me. They were part of my family.

The voicemail I was wary of, and my shaking thumb hovered over the call for a full minute before I pressed it, put the phone to my ear. When her voice started, my eyes began to burn.

"Jason, I know you're working right now, but I have to tell you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry...I wish I'd told you sooner, warned you before you came. I wish Clark would've told you all sooner. I know I shouldn't apologize, but I feel like I should. If you want to talk everything over or talk about anything, grab coffee together or lunch or just hang out, call me back-"

I ended the voicemail recording, and I rested the phone on the stone next to me. I hugged my knees to my chest, and rubbed my palms into my eyes to stem the tears.

I knew I didn't want Gail out of my life. I didn't want her gone. She was a part of me, one of the good parts. She was my best friend, even after all this time. She was my best friend, but Jesus Christ, how could I stand to be in the same room with her now? How could I look her in the eye and say I only saw her as a friend?

I froze into the gargoyle of that church, water pattering onto my toes. I had to figure this out. I had to make some sense out of this. I never planned on falling in love with her. It started as a friendship, the most reluctant kind. Then a partnership. And then...I sighed, took my phone and sifted through the contacts. Roy.

Flowers made good kindling. The car was driven into the warehouse on fortieth and King, Roy with Lian in a rain slicker beside him as the flowers elbowed each other for room in my little commute car. I had finished rigging it with explosives, and stepped back, controller in my hand as Roy hoisted his daughter on his hip.

"So why are we blowing up your car?" He asked, a wry look on his face. He bounced Lian on his hip, the little girl sucking her thumb and looking at the flowers with wide eyes.

I walked back to the car, broke the glass with my elbow to pull out a fresh sunflower and brought it back to Lian. Her face lit up, and she held it to her nose, inhaling deeply. I said, "Not like I need it anymore. I'll be out of a job here soon since I'm going underground."

"And the flowers?"

"Remember that friend I told you about? The one that used to live at the house before you?" I had trouble forcing the word 'friend' out of my mouth, and cleared my throat as I started the rundown for detonation.

"Yeah."

"She came back," I said, "And...it didn't go well."

Roy was quiet for a moment before he touched his shoulder to mine, his eyes on my raw knuckles. "I know it ain't my business, but I'm pretty sure you don't get flowers for just your friend."

"You had it right the first time. It ain't your business." I could still feel her palm against my mouth, her hands on my face. "Cover Lian."

He turned his back, and wrapped his arms around her. The explosives were planted just under the back seat, right under the flower arrangements. Petals blasted out of the windows and fell to the ground like colorful snow, still flaming as my ears rang. I didn't care. The second wave was in the engine, which I'd bled dry of gas before I rigged it. The hood blew off and landed behind it, headlights busted and bumped mangled by the time the smoke cleared and started to waft up to the open windows of the warehouse by the high ceiling.

Maybe Gail coming back with someone else was a blessing in disguise. Maybe now I could focus on what mattered. I had a chance to win my peace of mind back. I could kill the new clown, kill Talia al Ghul, and leave.

I mean, who the hell was I trying to kid? I grabbed the hot dogs from the grocery bags Roy brought with him, stuck one on the end of my knife and held them over the fire billowing out of my back window. I tucked the dog in the bun and broke it in half.

I had what I needed right here. Family. The Harpers I was feeding hot dogs too, Barbara, Dick, Tim, Bruce, and Alfred. All I needed. All I would need.

She was my friend, but I wasn't going to fool myself into thinking I could keep my hopes down around her. I'd be civil, but I wouldn't be okay.

I'd have to accept it. She moved on. Time for me to do the same.

LATER THAT WEEK

Her return brought the rain, or maybe that was just Gotham City offering its half-assed condolences. This month had already taken so much from me, and I was more than ready for it to end. November was just around the corner, but there was one thing I'd picked up in the summers here that I didn't want to let go of just yet, and that was running.

It doesn't need saying, but I knew it was a bad idea. I was supposed to be underground, waiting for Joker-like crime or any word on Lex or Talia, but as much of a homebody as I was, I couldn't stand staying in that firehouse doing nothing but sharpening weapons and playing peek-a-boo with Lian, as much as I loved the latter. So once a week, I tried to deck myself out in sweats, put in earbuds synced to my phone, strap a gun to my ankle, and go running for an hour or two.

The rain wasn't cold this morning. It was actually somewhat refreshing. I'd spent the night halfway between a nightmare and misery, and it was like a cool shower, drenching my hair to the hood. After about twenty minutes I unzipped my hoodie to let the rainwater fall onto my scarred chest, and the downpour was so thick I doubted anyone would notice.

I turned onto a back street, passed a couple huddled in the bus stop, and the sloshing of Gotham Bay kicked up sea spray onto me. The salt stung my calves. It wasn't so bad. Solitary existence had suited me well before. I could return to this.

Which meant it shouldn't have surprised me when a Subaru turned onto my street, and I recognized the style, the license plate. I didn't think she'd still have it stashed somewhere in the city, but there it was. I stopped, turned and started to go back the way I came, more of a sprint than a jog. My lungs were already burnt out, but this wouldn't be the first time I pushed them beyond their limits.

The Subaru slunk into the park lane, and the window rolled down. I tried to ignore it. "Jason!"

"Drive on, Gail," I shouted back, without looking at her. She wove around a truck to keep pace with me and it went on for another block before I gave up.

I put my hands on my head, blinked through the rain at her leaned over in her car. "Jason, get in the car. You'll catch a cold."

"Maybe I want to catch one," I said, but still took the few steps needed to get in the car, slid into the passenger's seat.

I rolled up the window and made it my mission to glare through it. I unzipped my hoodie fully, knowing she wouldn't care and put a hand against my wet stomach. I took my earbuds out, shut off the music. She hadn't moved yet, and the only sound in the car was my attempt to catch my breath, knowing it was no use with her.

I could see her reflection in the window. Hair up in a bun, a spray of bangs across her forehead, and she was in business attire. Her new journalist job was dressing her far better than she had in Gotham, and it made it easier, in a way, to say, "You remember where I live, right?"

"Yes…" She said, quiet and as she sent a quick text, to her boyfriend surely, she tossed the statement between us like a bridge. "I called you. Left you a voicemail."

I burned that bridge. "Did you want me to call you back? I'm underground after Lex's announcement…until further notice."

"My phone is secure," Gail said. "Still could've called, if you wanted to talk."

"Traditionally, that could be taken as a hint that I don't want to talk," The pang of regret hit me full-force after I said that, and she glanced at me sharply.

"You know how I knew it was you on the street?" She asked, and I shrugged. She said, "You turned and ran as soon as you saw me. What a refreshing change of pace for Jason Todd."

Damn her. I missed her so much, and damn her. Anyone else and I would've forcefed them the steering wheel, but I was biting my tongue to keep from smirking. I sighed. "What do you want from me, Abigail?"

"You were so happy to see me back at the hotel, and now you're treating me like a stranger," Gail said, and reached over for my hand on the console, which I took back. "I wanted to know if something happened. How've you been?"

"Where'd you even meet him?" I countered, my mouth curled in a grin I didn't mean as I looked at her.

I looked at her face, her bare neck where her hair didn't rest, and I wondered how much he's seen that I had. Did he look at the soft space behind her ear like he wanted to kiss it too? Had he kissed it already? Had he kissed her everywhere yet?

"What does that have to do with-"

I wasn't about to play games with this, and every smug, sarcastic word made her wince deepen as she gripped the wheel with white knuckles. "What, did he just appear? Was it the day you arrived in Metropolis? Did he handle your baggage to the apartment? Was it a week after? Office romance? Come on, Gail. Being your friend implies that I get the hot deets about your new boytoy."

"...Office romance," She said, and briefly met my eye out of the corner of hers. She was doing her best not to look at me. "He's in law school in Metropolis, took a break to accompany me because he knew this would be difficult for me. Going back home."

A break. From law school. Yeah. Not terribly committed to his studies, then, but committed to her.

"Now are you going to tell me what you've been up to?" She asked.

"My mother's dead, don't need another one," I said under my breath, my hand rubbing hard at the back of my neck. "Well Gail, are you happy with Freddy? And be honest."

"Be honest with you?" Gail said, her manicured fingernails drumming against the steering wheel. "You're demanding I answer your questions but you haven't answered a single one of mine."

"Fine, I've been spending my time killing criminals. Brutally, violently, sometimes I put my finger on the murder button for a bit too long and there's less to dispose of. Maybe a femur at most. Juicy juicy shit, Gail. You want pictures, I've got pictures." A vein on my neck popped out as I reverted back to my earlier question. "Now, are you happy with him?"

"Something I don't know, Jason. I know you kill criminals and describing it doesn't scare me away," Her jaw tensed as she turned a little harder than normal, throwing me into the door with the momentum. "Frederick and I are perfectly happy, Jason, and also none of your business."

"Apparently it's enough my business to where you feel the need to apologize for him," I shot back, cracking my knuckles to keep from bailing out of the car. Road rash would be less painful than this. "And leave me voicemails saying you want to talk. Thing is, I don't feel like talking. I never feel like talking."

"Y'know what, Jay," She wrenched the car into a back alley, locked the doors and turned the car off. Gail turned to me, her arm on the console as she laced her fingers business-like. Like she was in a negotiation. "You told me, before I left, that you didn't care if I didn't end up with you. And then you put me on a plane with a note that said you were in love with me. Head over heels, ass over teacups." My eyes widened and I shrunk into the chair as she kept going, her eyes bright and I could tell she knew she was right. "You want to deny that, too? You want to deny that when you put me down at the hotel and then heard Frederick come out of the bathroom, that the first thought that ran through your mind was the note you wrote me? You want to deny those ten seconds and the mountains of evidence to the contrary? Because this is all looking incredibly familiar, Jason...It's called running away. Like I said...refreshing change of pace for you."

She stared at me, and I stared back, deer in headlights. My chest rose, her chest fell. Her chest rose, my chest fell. Before long, we breathed together. My heart in my ears, hers on her sleeve. For the first time, I glanced at her left hand and sighed when I didn't see a ring.

"Has it ever occurred to you that I'm trying to run away for you?" I asked her, the first civil word I had said all morning. "So you can do normal. So you can have normal, but that can't happen if you keep trying to hold onto me. Because I'm anything but normal."

"What in the world makes you think I want normal?"

I countered, my eyes hard on her. "How long have you and him been together?"

"Six months," She admitted, and she said it like an admission. Like admitting to smoking or stealing an old lady's wallet.

"I thought being shot at and nearly dying would've taught you that I can't give you normal," I whispered, "I thought being shot at and nearly dying would've taught you that I can barely keep you alive, and how do you repay me? You dive back into Gotham City the first chance you get, right back to where we started.."

"Maybe if you would've called me while I was in Metropolis, I wouldn't have a reason to come back," Gail said, and I hated to notice it, but I'd forgotten just how beautiful she was. "I was so worried about you, all the time. Wondering if you were okay, if you were alone and sad."

"I was," I confessed. And although 'alone and sad' certainly fit the bill, I clarified. "I was okay. I didn't get hurt too bad while you were gone. Worst I got was a broken finger back in February." I looked away from her, just for the pain to stop a little while, and fixed my gaze on my hands. "Take me home, Gail."

"I thought you had to get rid of the firehouse," She said, turning the car back on. "To go underground."

I didn't want to tell her that I found it hard to leave the place after she left, like it was something I grew with her that I couldn't bear to part with. "I'd waste too much time moving it, and something's bound to go missing if I did."

She nodded, and drove us out of the alley. If it'd put her mind at ease, I also told her another piece of news. "...Past month, I've had a young father and his daughter living with me. Speedy, from Star City, and his three-year-old Lian."

"Isn't he the one suspected for the attempt on Luthor?"

"Yep," I said, "...He was being blackmailed by Talia, and I took them in. Helped him break their grip on him, saved his daughter."

Gail flashed a smile, patted my arm and I ignored how my skin went up in goosebumps. "Jason, that's amazing."

I wanted to tell her about seeing the clown. I wanted to tell her so much about what had happened, but it was that rabbit hole. The one rabbit hole I didn't want her to fall into the way I had. If I told her, she'd want to help. And the cycle would begin.

"Have you listened to the records at all?" She asked, desperate to fill the car with anything but silence.

"You can have them back," I said. I didn't want to tell her that they filled my firehouse with anything but silence, as much as they hurt me to do so. "I can bring them to your hotel room."

"...That wasn't what I asked."

"You can listen to them with him," I whispered, my eyes burning and I pointed them out of the window as we got onto my street. "Maybe slowdance with him late at night. Does he know about your nightmares? I imagine you're living together already, he has to know about them."

She parked in front of the engine bay door, which I'd hastily patched after she returned. The welding job wasn't my best work, but it was sufficient. The hole felt ten times bigger after she came back, like a hole in my walls. I needed it shut, I needed it closed. And then I'd sleep at night.

"He doesn't know about them," Her voice trembled, her eyes on her hands. "I don't wake him up when I have them."

I looked at her, slow and incredulous. My brows knitted and the water on my body chilled, felt cold for the first time. "...Abigail. What do you mean he doesn't know?"

"If I told him about my nightmares, I'd have to tell him everything else." She pried her fingers off the wheel and rested back against her seat, her head in her hand propped on the window. Even in business attire, she looked ragged and I saw the thousands of sleepless nights in the shadows under her eyes that she tried to cover up with concealer. "...He doesn't know anything about...who I was, what I did. He caught me in the middle of one once, screaming in my sleep and crying so hard I couldn't see," She bit her lip, squeezed her eyes tight. "...I lied and said it was something else, anxiety or some bullshit about a rough day."

"I don't think you need me to tell you that isn't healthy," I wanted to reach out and touch her, but I didn't think I'd be able to take my hand back. "I mean, Jesus, Gail, I'm hardly an authority for what's healthy and what isn't, but...I thought you'd want to come clean with someone if you…" I trailed off.

Gail lifted her head out of her hand and shot a glare at me. "Admitting to killing someone twice isn't exactly something you can get into a conversation on a first date, let alone saying that you watched your mother die. I can't be as nonchalant about death as you can."

"I never said you had to be," I leaned forward, the rain growing louder with the tension. "Just said you should be honest with the guy if you're serious about him."

"What makes you think-"

"Well shit, I was gonna give Freddy more credit, but I guess I shouldn't-"

"Stop, let me finish," Her hands up and waving. "I am serious about him, it's just that…"

"It's just what?" I asked, shrugging and scanning her for any kind of sign as to which it was. I smirked at her, retreated to sarcasm where it was safe. "Don't tell me he ain't your type, sunshine. Prim and proper straight arrow guy like that, he's ten kinds of your type."

"The hell are you talking about?" Her nose scrunched up in the cute way I liked and I decided this wasn't worth it.

"Whatever, forget I said anything. Have fun with Freddy, and have a great life, Gail." I got out of the car, strolled down the alley to my door, and when I heard her get out, I went faster.

Her heels clicked until they were right behind me, her hand grabbing the back of my jacket as I opened my door. She pushed me through, shut the door and shoved me back against it, hand on my chest. My hood fell off, water dripping from my hair and she was drenched with that short stint in the rain, her blouse slicked to her and her pencil skirt clung to her like a second skin.

"You're not going anywhere until you explain what you just said, Jason," She demanded, and when I tried to slip out of her view, she planted a hand against the door to prevent me.

"Funny," I shoved my hands into my hoodie and leaned in close enough to smell her perfume amplified by the rainwater. "You aren't too sure about being serious with him, but you're deadly serious with me."

"Because you keep making snide remarks and then running away before I can get you back for them," Gail said hotly, but didn't back down. "And I don't take you for a coward, Jason, but if you keep doing this, I just might."

A throat clearing behind her had me looking over her shoulder, and Roy was sitting in a lawn chair by the fire barrel, a sandwich between his hands. His eyes were full of amusement as he smiled and said, "You must be Gail." He waved. "I'm Roy."

Gail turned, straightened her clothes and smiled. "Pleasure to meet you, Roy. I believe it's Harper?"

"That's me," Roy glanced between us, "Need me to give you kids some privacy?"

What I wouldn't give to strangle him. Behind Gail's back, I dragged the tip of my finger across my throat and shook my head. "Actually, Gail was just leaving. I'm sure there's some scoop she needs to get for the Daily Planet."

"I'm actually hours ahead of schedule, I was just driving around the old neighborhood," Gail said to me through gritted teeth, "So if you don't mind giving us a minute, Roy, that'd be great. Maybe we can get to know each other sometime."

"That won't be necess-" I tried but Roy cut me off, standing to his full height and saluting Gail as he jogged to the stairs.

"I'm sure Jason can get you my number," Roy winked and I flipped him off as he started up the stairs.

"Add a peculiar non-platonic desire to be alone to the list of reasons I don't think you're really all that serious about Freddy," I noted, and whipped off my hoodie. The air of the engine bay hit my bare chest, comfortable and warm.

Gail glued her eyes to mine, her hands on her hips. "His name is Frederick, and I'm very serious about him."

"And how you practically threw yourself at me when I showed up in your hotel room."

Gail scoffed. "I hadn't seen you for a freakin' year, what do you expect me to do?"

I snorted, and my lips spread in a grin. "Did you just say 'freakin'? Jesus, does your Gotham City swearing make his hairspray part? Do you even remember how to swear?"

"Fuck off, Jason," She narrowed her eyes at me, and when I clapped, she rolled her eyes.

"There's the Gail I know," My grin never faltered. "I meant what I said the other night. It is good to see you." It wasn't like before, when I raked my eyes down her form to make her hate me. I was really looking this time. "...You look good. In that 'Yeah, I clean up nice' kind of way."

"Shut up," Her cheeks were flushed and shining from the rain.

"Spent all this effort trying to get me to talk and now you want to shut me up. Awful rude, sunshine," I padded over to hang my hoodie on the rack, and I felt her eyes on my backside.

"What do you want?" She asked. "What do you want me to say? How can I fix this? I've obviously hurt you."

"You haven't," So much for holding back the lies, but I could guess that she couldn't tell if my back was turned. I faced her. "You just opened my eyes. We're just friends. We were just friends before...I just didn't have the gall to be a hypocrite, to say that I'll protect you and then throw you into the fire."

"Hypocrisy has nothing to do with it." Gail said, "If anyone's the hypocrite, it's me. I condemned you, for waging a one-man war against Bruce Wayne, and I did the same thing...just in a different way and on a smaller scale…"

"You forgave me."

"I did," She looked down at her hands, fiddling with them in front of her. "And I don't regret a moment I spent with you a year ago."

"Only one moment I regret, but for the most part, nothin'." I moved to the door, and looked her in the eyes. "...I was stupid enough to let you go, and I knew you'd do exactly what I said. You'd fall in love with someone else, get serious - even if you don't want to admit it," She bit her lip at that, "...I couldn't have expected you to do any different. I mean, look at you, Gail. I knew I couldn't have been the only one with eyes, right?"

Gail fought a smile and sighed again. "Shut up."

I restrained myself from saying 'make me', and opened the door for her. I took an umbrella and handed it to her, "Keep it."

She stayed rooted to the spot. "Will you answer when I call?"

We looked at each other for a while, and at last, I said. "I'll think about it."

She accepted the umbrella, passed me and headed out into the rain again. I closed the door behind her, pressed my forehead against the metal, and whispered her name like it'd make the bad magic go away.