I've made my peace concerning Kakashi. I refuse to abandon him even though I'm unsure of how to help him. My rival will not die. If I happen to be thrown into jail or am stripped of my title, so be it. Tsunade-sama has made her decision and I have made mine.
The door to Kakashi's apartment is dull and wooden. There is no decoration on it besides the number indicating the apartment. The wood is soft but split. Moonlight seems to highlight the small chips and scratches in the door. It probably will need to be changed soon. A single small fisheye lens is embedded into the wood. Behind the door, I sense only Kakashi.
The door is unlocked…as it is after every hard mission. I quietly open the door, careful not to startle the man. Once inside I see Kakashi laying on the floor completely still.
"What do you want Gai?" he calls out tiredly
I take a deep breath and move forward, closing the door behind me. "I want to help you."
"Oh?" His voice is laced with sarcasm as he turns his head to gaze at me. I feel myself freeze up when our eyes make contact. He has his Mangekyo Sharingan activated.
"You've been reliving that memory," I state as I sit down beside him. Surreptitiously I glance around for any weapon with fresh blood. My fear lies unconfirmed.
"You told Inochi." Kakashi's accusation stings as it is the truth, I released that knowledge to Inochi.
"You need help Kakashi."
"You betrayed my trust."
"I didn't have a choice. You've tried to kill yourself!" Emotion swirls in my voice as I reply.
"You should have let me."
I can't respond. I can't stay strong. His lack of will to live—it scares me. "Help me Kakashi. Help me help you."
"I don't want help Gai. I want to die." Kakashi pauses for a moment as he lifts right arm to pull his mask off. As he lifts the arm I see signs of deep scratching. The inflammation looks more like a rash than methodical cutting, but it's the same idea, isn't it? "Everything is my fault. I killed my father, Obito, Rin. I wasn't strong enough to save my father. I was too arrogant to save Obito. And I wasn't fast enough to save Rin."
My mouth opens to refute everything he has said but he continues. "I'm not enough to be."
I want to scream. I want to scream at Kakashi. He is enough! His existence matters! I want to pull the man into a hug and never let go. I want to show him that I care about him and love him. But I'm unsure if he would accept that type of affection. My indecision dies immediately when I try to remember the last time I saw him hug someone. I move quickly to make sure he can't stop me. I pull him up to a sitting position and gently tug his arms, careful to not jostle the scratches, to encircle my shoulders. My arms wrap around his upper back as I bring his body against mine.
He immediately begins to fidget against me, but I have him pinned. I silently hold him waiting for him to give up. In his desperation to get away, he headbutts me and yells. He calls me names and tells me to give up on him. He tells me that he's trash, worthless, and better off dead. He shouts at me that I'm wasting my time with him. He threatens to hurt me. Then he bites me. I can feel the blood trickle down my back. The pain is nothing to me. I only hold on to him more securely. He shouts again. He punches and jabs at my body trying to force me away. He yells at me that he's angry. He cries out that he done with living and then demands that I kill him. When I don't respond he grows angrier and tries to grab for something but I hold him down. And then he whispers for me to assist him in his suicide. He tells me I would be doing him a favor by helping him. My silence continues and his anger returns.
He murmurs he wishes he had been strong enough to help his father. Then he recounts how useless he was when his father committed suicide. He whispers to me about the horror of his eye transplant on the battlefield. He continues to tell me he never wanted Obito's' eye. And then I feel his tears as he murmurs the tale of Rin's intentional suicide. His voice is so soft I barely make out that she forced him to kill her because she was a jinchuuriki. He confides in me of the continual nightmares he has ever since his father's death and how they had become more intense after Obito and Rin's' death. Then he talks about Minato and Kushina. He explains how he saw the couple as his parents. He tells me how Minato cared for him after his father died. He expresses the jealous he had when Kushina began taking Minato away from him. He chuckles when he says how Kushina flipped out when she learned of his jealousy and how she immediately started caring for him so much that she almost began neglecting Minato. His chuckles disappear as he whispers to me that he once called Minato father.
There is a silence as Kakashi cautiously hugs me back. I return the hug and continue to hold him. He doesn't recount Minato's death. He doesn't whisper his hurt or his feeling of abandonment. He would never need to because he knows I understand. The two of us stay that way for hours, taking comfort in each other.
When he has enough of the silence he pathetically tries to back away from the hug he gave. I don't allow it. He gives up immediately. His voice is hoarse when he begins again. This time he explains the constant hurt he experiences when he looks at Naruto, the reminder of Minato has been too great sometimes. A smile returns to his face when he tells me how Team 7 passed his bell test and how they were a good mix all together. His voice almost disappears when he recounts the failure he felt when Sasuke left the village. He tells me about how he rejoined ANBU after the Thirds' death because he felt like he was the cause for the ANBUs' inability to protect Lord Third. He barely manages to say that he felt deep disappointment when he could not help his team because each of them had needed someone better than him. Finally, he tells me how Sakura attempted to kill Sasuke. Unable to express his emotions verbally he tightens his arms around me. I can feel his anger, shame, and excessive guilt.
I try to imagine Ten-Ten attempting to kill a rogue Neji, while I am helpless to stop anything. The emotions that rear their ugly head are too much for me to handle. As I'm caught up in my own emotions I had failed to notice Kakashi has fallen asleep. Gently I reposition him in a more comfortable manner. Once I was a bit more comfortable I join him in sleep.
I wake up to the smell of eggs and find myself on the couch with a pillow. Thoughts of last night are distant in my grogginess until I glance behind me and see Kakashi finishing up the cooking. I sit up, stretch and suddenly remember what I'm doing at Kakashi's' apartment. I grope for pills Inochi gave me to give to Kakashi but I don't find them in my pockets.
"They are on the table." Kakashi motions to the bottle of pills resting innocently on the table.
I nod and grab a seat as Kakashi brings out two plates filled with white rice and scrambled eggs. As he sets down the plates I begin to go over what had happened the previous night. Nothing like that had ever happened between the two of us. Never had he ever cried in front of me. Never had we shared that physical intimacy, that was a hug. I don't know what to do now, after the moment. How should I act?
"Kakashi about last-"
"They're from Inochi right?" He asks not even acknowledging my words.
"Yes." I go to reach for my fork when Kakashi stops me. His eyes meet mine and all I can see is hurt. He hasn't forgiven me for betraying his trust. "I didn't tell him to hurt you. These pills are supposed to balance out the chemicals in your brain a bit more."
Kakashi doesn't reply as he slowly begins eating. I wait for his signal to start eating. The silence goes on between us until he eats about half of the food on his plate.
"Why are you still here Gai?"
The question throws me off. Was I supposed to have left by now? His voice is calm with no edge attached. His lips thin a bit as he studies my reaction, his head even tilts a bit.
"You are my dear friend Kakashi and I care about you. The pains, the hurts, the memories you suffer from, I want to be there when you go through them. I care deeply about you Your existence, your very being is enough for me. I love being with you. Your company makes me happy. And when you opened up to me last night, that made me so happy how much you trust me. That amount of trust you showed me and continue to show me is priceless to me." I feel emotionally drained after I finish.
Kakashi looks confused as if I had just told him that the sun is actually the moon. After considerable thought, he makes a waving motion with his hand and begins to eat again. As I take my first bite I wonder for, not for the first time, if Kakashi has ever been validated since Minato died.
This was the last time Kakashi or I ever expressed ourselves to each other in such a raw form. I had always hoped that night had helped him as much as it had helped me.
A/N: I want my readers to understand that I am not representing Gai and Kakashi's' relationship in a homosexual way, the two of them just have a very deep and meaningful relationship. If you wish to read into it that way be my guest, just know it was not my intention as the author. I also would really appreciate some feedback on this chapter specifically as I feel this was a bit of a weaker chapter.