A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been on vacation. I know, I know. No excuse. But the new chapter is up! Enjoy!
"Yeah, Decs. Staying at the hospital helped. A lot, actually." Clare lied through her teeth. Declan smiled, believing every word. In reality, however, the hospital didn't help her at all. She now weighed 108.00 pounds, feeling disgusting as ever, and all she could think about was losing the weight. She hated feeling so fat.
"Good. I'm glad to have you back, Propmaster Clare." He said, using that old, familiar nickname. Clare smiled back, trying to seem normal.
"So, uh, you want to go with me and Fiona to the Dot to get a burger?" He said tentatively, as if saying the wrong thing would set her off. She almost rolled her eyes at his cautious tone.
"Sure. That sounds great." She said enthusiastically. Act normal. Act natural. Her brain whispered to her. Declan smiled again. He assumed that the treatment really had helped her.
At the Dot, Declan and Fiona watched Clare scarf down a burger, fries, and a milkshake in under 10 minutes with wide eyes. That had never seen Clare eat like that. Well, at least not since she had been living with them. Clare's parents had agreed after much persuasion to let Clare remain living with Declan, in hopes that the strong support system would aid her recovery.
As soon as they got home, Clare rushed to her room and into the private bathroom, slamming and locking the door on her way in. She grabbed a hair tie from the drawer and tied up her hair, turning the sink on in the process.
She got on her knees in front of the toilet and frantically shoved two fingers down her throat. She gagged once, but nothing came out. Frustrated, she stuck them further down, tears forming in her eyes as the food came out.
She shoved her fingers down her throat again, until the rest of the food and some bile finally all came out. She leaned back, tears running down her face. She brought her knees up to her chest, falling to pieces right there on the bathroom floor.
Finally, she managed to pull herself together, standing in front of the mirror, taking in her reflection. She turned every which way, examining her flaws with a look of disgust. The hospital had filled her up with disgusting, fattening foods, blowing her up like a party balloon.
She dried her eyes, washed her hands until they had been scrubbed raw, and brushed her teeth twice before leaving her bathroom and laying down on her bed.
Shh... Don't cry. Isn't this what you wanted? To be skinny? You can't starve yourself down to the bone anymore. Everyone knows now. You have to throw it all up if you want to be perfect. Shh... Don't cry.
There was that voice again. That voice telling her what to do, yet she couldn't help but obey. She was a slave once again to her eating disorder, even right after a stay in the hospital. Before she knew it, she had fallen asleep, only to be woken up by someone whispering in her ear.
"Wake up, Sleeping Beauty." Eli whispered, and Clare's eyes fluttered open. She was greeted by his smiling face, his piercing green eyes that made her fall in love with him so long ago.
"Hey." She said in a sleepy voice, her eyes adjusting to the light. She was still tired from her nap, with eyes still red from crying. This was surely not how she wanted Eli to see her. Then again, he had seen her in the hospital, with IV's in her arms and tubes shoved up her nose. Anything was more attractive than that.
"Did you have a nice nap?" He asked, quite innocently, but it made Clare remember the terrible nightmares she had while she was sleeping. She shook them off before answering Eli.
"Yeah, I actually did." She lied, smiling at him. He pulled her close and kissed her, but she couldn't enjoy it, so fearful he would taste the puke on her breath, even after she had brushed her teeth twice. She pulled away quickly, shaking her head.
"No, Eli. I have morning breath." She whispered, laughing slightly when he smiled again. She loved that smile and she hadn't seen it in a while, not since everything had happened with her. She never meant to hurt anyone, especially Eli, by starving herself. She only wanted to be perfect. Now that she was out of the wacky shack, all she could think about was 'Who could possibly want to recover? I'm not sick. I'm not. I'm strong.'
And she hid her descent into bulimia so well. Nobody suspected a thing. Everyone was just happy that she was eating something, anything, even if it did seem weird that she was stuffing her face. Maybe it was because she missed food so much, forgot how it was, and wanted to taste life again. That's what they all thought. They never saw her running off to the bathroom. They only saw her run off to her bedroom, and she basked in the privacy of having her own bathroom where no one could hear her dirty deeds.
If anybody knew, they would bodyslam her back into that awful treatment center, where she would be watched like a hawk, and have to ask permission to go to the bathroom, people standing by to make sure she didn't throw up. And she would have to eat the food, no matter how disgusting it was.
Wasting
"Huh? Oh, I'm not really hungry right now." Clare said to Eli. She had just gotten done binging and purging in secrecy. She couldn't eat right now. Not with her throat so raw, her stomach so twisted. Eli raised an eyebrow questioningly.
"Are you sure?" He asked skeptically, afraid that she was slipping back into her old habits. The bad ones.
"I'm fine, Eli. Really, I am. I've been eating just fine. Don't worry." She lied and he smiled at her, his green eyes glowing with relief and happiness. It killed her.
"Okay, just making sure. But if you do get hungry, just give me a call and I'll bring you back something." He said. She was so grateful she had a boyfriend like him, who stuck by her through everything, it really did kill her to lie to him as much as she did.
On the upside, she was losing weight, and hiding it well, down to 100.50 pounds. Fiona had to weigh her every week, to make sure she wasn't losing weight, but Clare had little tricks, tampering with the scale, eating a bunch of food before stepping on the scale and then throwing it up when she got off. These were the things that got her through.
She hated the fact that Fiona, Declan, and Eli were so happy, so hopeful, and were so overjoyed that she was getting better, that she was eating, that she was keeping her weight up. And she lied to all of them. She lied to all the people who loved and cared about her. They were completely clueless.
Eli was gone, at the Dot with Adam, studying for their history exam. Declan had taken Fiona shopping. The house was quiet. She was alone. She hadn't written in her journal in so long. It hurt to much to talk about the disgusting things she was doing. But the guilt was eating her alive and she needed to let it out.
I can't stand this. The stuffing/puking pattern that has seemed to have taken over my life. I feel disgusting when I do it, but I feel even more disgusting when I don't. I can't stop eating. Eli would catch on. Declan would catch on. Fiona would catch on. They would know immediately if I started hiding my food again. They know all the signs to look for.
I wish there was some way to eat without shoving my fingers down my throat, but I need to see my bones. I need to feel the relief of everything coming up, even if I feel so bad about it afterward. I'm always so worried about Eli tasting the puke on my breath. I have gum, mints, and an endless supply of toothpaste to keep that from happening.
I just know he would leave me if he found out. But he would leave me if I got fat. No one wants to be with a fat girl. I need to stay strong. I need to keep throwing up and not let anyone find out, or else everything would be ruined. I'd lose everything and everyone...
She sighed, shutting her computer down and putting it on her desk. This was killing her. She felt like she was in hell, all these things bouncing around in her head, all these voices screaming at her, telling her not to eat, and then screaming at her to throw it all up when she disobeyed. She couldn't take it. She wanted to be set free from all this. (A/N: I was going to end here, but I thought you guys deserved a longer chapter)
"Clare! I'm home! I brought you some food!" She heard Declan call from downstairs. She got up from her bed and opened her door, walking down the staircase to meet him. He had a bright smile on his face, a takeout box in his hand, and Fiona standing behind him, arms weighed down with shopping bags.
"Where's Eli?" He asked.
"Oh, he, uh, went to the Dot with Adam to study." She said, looking at the takeout box warily. If it was pizza, she couldn't eat it. That hurt like a bitch to puke back up. It burned so bad last time she did that.
"Um, so what did you bring me?" She asked, her eyes never leaving the takeout box. Please don't be pizza. Please don't be pizza.
"We stopped at this amazing pizza place and just had to bring you back a couple slices. It's so good." Fiona cut in. Great. Pizza. She took the box from Declan's hand.
"Thanks, guys. Do you mind if I eat in my room? I'm buried with homework." She said, praying that they wouldn't catch on to what she was doing.
"Oh, sure. If you need any help with it, we'll be in the living room." Declan said, him and Fiona turning back and heading toward the living room. Clare smiled and sighed in relief. She carried the box back to her room and threw it in her trashcan without even looking at it. If she did, she would never be able to resist eating it. And then she would never be able to resist getting rid of it.
She ignored the smell of the pizza while she did her homework. She hadn't realized how much she had let it pile up. She was so busy planning her binges and purges to even think about school. It didn't matter that it occupied 8 hours of her day. Her mind was focused on other things at all times.
She didn't even realize how far things had gone. She was so caught up in stuffing her face, not even tasting the food she was eating, and then the horror of realizing she had eaten everything, followed by the frantic dash to the bathroom. She hated every minute of it. But she could never stop.
I lock the door Feeling so easy Well sometimes it burns It only hurt a bit Feeling so easy 'Cause you always win Laughin' like it works Feeling too easy, make me skin and bones It's too fucking easy, make me skin and bones 'cause you always win, and you always win, you always win
Turn all the water on
And bury that sound
So no one hears anything anymore
Mirror lie to me, tell me you can see
Maybe you won't be able to recognize me now
I know you can feel all the things you steal
And you're taking, you're taking it
Make me skin and bones
I'm always on my knees for you
You break like it's even
When you're leaving it
Thin, where the hell have you been?
Mabye I'll wash it out
It all looks so big
Never mind, I don't feel anything
I still feel like shit
And I think you won't be able to recognize me now
It's easier to quit
It's harder to admit and
You're pushing me, you're fucking pushing me!
Make me skin and bones
I'm always on my knees for you
You break like it's even
When you're leaving it
Thin, where have you been?
And you... yeah!
Bleeding like it don't hurt
Knock you off your feet
Even if you need me
Tear you apart and I hate how I need you
I'm always on my knees for you
Break like it's even
When you're leaving
I'm always on my knees for you
Break like it's even
When you're leaving it
Thin, where have you been?
I will burn all this [x9]
A/N: Sorry it took so long. I need input here. I was thinking of maybe turning this into a Declan/Clare story, but I'm not sure yet, so I need your advice on these things. I always hold true to Eclare, but I don't know. The idea just kinda came to my mind and I want to know what you think. Review and let me know! (: