Chapter 10

"Here—the Hamptons house, as promised."

Kate gazed up when the writer returned to his office and handed over a small photo album filled with 4x6 pictures. She reached out greedily for it and immediately pushed the laptop to the couch cushion beside her so she could focus fully on the photos. When she opened the black faux-leather cover she gasped immediately at the expansive home with cobblestone driveway an enticing front porch and too many windows to count. "Oh, Castle, it's gorgeous—and massive!"

He shrugged and brushed off her comment. "Nah; it's just a bungalow."

She gazed at him incredulously. "Yeah right." Then, she turned back to the album and continued leafing.

The subject of his house had come up only a few minutes earlier when they'd been discussing what to order for lunch and Castle had commented about his favorite sandwich place in Southampton. Of course Kate knew he owned a home in the elite destination due to its connection to his accident, but he didn't talk much about it so she remained tentative when asking where exactly the home was located. The writer seemed forthcoming, though, and even offered up the picture book so she could, quote, "get a better visual."

"How long have you owned it for?"

"Oh um…about two and a half years—not terribly long."

Kate hummed as she continued to leaf through pictures that showed the back of the house, a few interior rooms, and plenty of gorgeous shots of the beachy back yard; it seemed heavenly. "Have you been out there recently?" she asked conversationally, not really thinking about the context of her question.

"Ah, no. I haven't been out there since the accident."

Hearing the hesitation in his tone, Kate shut her eyes and cursed under her breath. Of course he had trauma related to the crash that had broken over a dozen bones in his body; what a foolish question. She quickly apologized, but he shook his head and said, "Don't worry about it. My mother and Alexis go out there, though. Mostly when Alexis has a long weekend off from school. They always ask me to join them but I…"

"You're not ready yet; I understand."

She watched as he pushed himself up from his desk chair, skimmed his fingers over his lips and then walked towards the large windows lining one wall of the office so he could gaze out across the city—or, at least, the parts of the city he could see from his fifth-floor penthouse. After he'd come out of his shell, Kate knew the moments when the writer were silent were ones to be treasured and patiently waited through for when he spoke again, his words would be weighted down with importance. She didn't mind waiting and wouldn't push as that's what friendships were all about.

Two weeks earlier, when Kate and Castle ended up having an impromptu dinner together, she'd made herself unnecessarily nervous about how close she was becoming with the man previously known to her as her favorite author. For several days she'd kept himself at arm's length from him, trying to act only in a professional manner in hopes of keeping herself from developing further feelings for him which would ultimately lead to heartbreak. Then, just as she was feeling comfortable with her resolve, he'd suggested going on a walk to inspire an idea on how he could finish Chapter Eighteen. She agreed, mostly out of a feeling of obligation, and on their way back to his place he'd surprised her by handing her a rose. She had barely recovered from shock enough to accept the flower, having absolutely no idea how or where he'd procured it from. Castle said nothing about it, either; he just handed it to her and continued walking back towards Broome Street.

Kate was not entirely sure how to interpret his gesture until they arrived at his building and needed to open the door themselves since the doorman was busy loading luggage into a cab on the street. Castle had gripped the handle with his right hand, pulled the door open and winked at her as she brushed past him to get inside. She felt a shiver travel down her spine at his gaze and with the red flower in her hand she considered for the first time that he might actually have feelings for her, too, which seemed rather miraculous.

Over the next week, Kate looked for more signs of his interest and found them practically everywhere, from the way she'd catch him gazing at her while her fingers tapped against his laptop's keyboard, to the speed at which he offered to get her drinks or snacks when she expressed even the slightest interest. Beyond that, she enjoyed being with him and found herself actually being disappointed when she awoke on Saturday or Sunday mornings for she would not see him at all and he wouldn't have the opportunity to make her smile or laugh so hard tears formed in her eyes; those were the moments she appreciated the most.

After nearly three minutes of silence, Castle rotated his body so it was angled halfway towards her, but he could still see out the window, and said, "I, ah, it's so stupid…" He shook his head and turned back towards the window.

Kate stood slowly and approached him saying, "If there's one thing I've learned about traumatic events, both from my own experience and what I see at work, it's that all feelings and all reactions are valid."

He offered a small smile. "It's not the house, really, but the journey. I could hire a driver to take us there, of course—Mother was never much of a driver—but I've never been out there without driving myself. It was always our family thing…"

"You haven't driven since…?"

He huffed out a breath and held up his left hand with the two fingers that still curled down towards his palm. "How?"

"I think you could safely hold the wheel of a car now." Kate countered. She'd been watching his steady progress and while his right hand would have been ready probably within one month of meeting him, the dexterity in his left thumb, index, and middle fingers had really come around in the past few weeks. She had no problem as someone who enforced the law declaring him fit to drive. As he merely hummed in response, she wasn't sure he believed her, so she suggested, "We could rent one, you know. I could take you out if you just wanted to…see."

He twisted his neck to gaze at her over his shoulder. "Rent one?"

"I assume you didn't replace the one that was destroyed if you weren't driving."

"Oh." A light chuckle escaped his lips. "I have a second car; it's a Ferrari."

"Ferrari?" she echoed, surprised at first, but then given what she'd heard of him over the years with his flashy playboy tendencies, the sports car really wasn't that much of a shock.

"Yeah…it's actually not as cool as I thought it would be when I bought it."

She laughed. "You don't say? Well, I'll take you out in that if you want; I can drive manual."

He turned and tilted his head as he gazed at her, questioningly. "You just want to drive my Ferrari."

She laughed again. "Maybe. No, it's fine—I'm just offering if you want. I'll even take you out to the big shopping mall parking lot in Jersey where my dad showed me how to drive the first time."

He gave her a pointed look. "I do remember how to operate a vehicle. Its…it's the traffic…"

As his eyes clouded with uncertainty, Kate shook her head and waved her hand in a dismissive fashion. "Then just forget I brought it up."

He sighed and walked back towards his desk where his wallet rested on the edge. "No c'mon we'll go. You can drive the Ferrari."

Suddenly feeling embarrassed for making the suggestion, Kate shook her head. The last thing she wanted was for him to put himself in an uncomfortable position just because she was curious about what driving a hundred thousand dollar sports car felt like. "Castle, really-"

"It's fine." He promised her, sounding reasonably confident. "C'mon let's get it from the garage."

"Okay, here we are," Kate said as she pulled into an empty parking lot section of the north Jersey shopping mall where she'd first sat behind the wheel of a car. She picked a random spot for the Ferrari, put it in park, and turned off the engine, glad for once not to hear the steady thrum; it certainly was the most powerful car she'd maneuvered, though she had to keep it in check since their trip had involved bumper-to-bumper traffic through a tunnel, among other crowded spots.

Glancing to her right she saw the writer with his hands resting atop his knees gazing around the area with uncertainty and her heart sunk a bit in her chest. She had assured him through the duration of their trip that he was in no way obligated to drive at all. Even if he did choose to take the wheel, he could take one lap around the parking lot and be done and she wouldn't mind one bit. She didn't want him to be afraid, but understood the fear and anxiety that loomed over him. "Castle?"

"Huh? Oh yeah I'm ready." He popped the release button on his seatbelt but she stopped him as he reached for the door handle.

"You don't have to, you know."

Staring directly at her he said, "Yes I do."

Though she still wasn't certain how he'd do, Kate got out of the car and swapped seats with him, pressing the keys into his palm as they passed. Once they were both back in the car, Kate buckled her seatbelt slowly while watching Castle to the same and then rest his hands on top of the wheel for several moments, staring off towards the intersection that led into the shopping mall. She said nothing as she waited, merely folded her hands into her lap and waited for him to be ready.

When Castle finally turned over the engine and put the car in gear, he eased the car out of its space and drove towards the exit of the parking row. As he turned onto the street circling the mall, he gave the car a bit too much gas and it bucked as he rounded the corner. Muttering out an apology, he shifted gears and they moved smoothly towards the intersection.

"If you turn right there are some neighborhoods in a few blocks; they might be easier to drive through."

He grunted in response to her soft suggestion for at that moment he was pulling into the busy multi-lane intersection. She watched his fingers curl more tightly around the wheel of the car until the knuckles were almost white. When the light turned green, he turned onto the main road and had to peel his right hand off the leather surface to be able to shift into second gear. She could see the flickering of tendons in his jaw as he clenched his teeth together when one car cut sharply in front of them.

After just three or four minutes of the road Castle was able to make a right turn onto a residential street. It ended up being just a small U-shaped neighborhood because soon enough they were facing back towards the main drag. Once again he made a right turn, drove for a minute, and turned onto another street. That one was blocked by a large moving van, so they were forced to turn around using a stranger's driveway, but instead of proceeding out onto the main road again, Castle pulled the car over and stopped in front of a random house. He didn't even put the car in gear; he just sat there with his foot on the break and both hands strangling the wheel.

Kate stayed silent for over a full minute before she said in a tone just above a whisper, "If you want me to switch with you just say."

Her words evidently served as the breaking of the dam for the moment they left her lips Castle hung his head and began to sob. His foot evidently relaxing on the break, the car drifted forward for a second until he stomped on it again and Kate helped him out by reaching over and putting the vehicle in park. "I'm sorry." He sniffled out to her.

"No, no—don't be sorry; it's fine." She promised, reaching over to rest her hand lightly on his right arm.

"I never wanted to be this person, I never thought I could be I just… you don't know how much I revisit that day in my mind, how much I try to relive the moment. The memories aren't there but I just keep thinking if I'd seen the truck if I'd heard something-"

"Castle, no. There's no way you could have done anything to avoid that accident." Her hand grazed up his arm until she could squeeze his shoulder as she spoke to him. She understood that it was hard, and imagined she would have faced similar struggles were she in his position, but the accident was simply that: an accident.

"But my daughter was in the car! My child!" He slammed his right palm down against the steering wheel as a few more tears skidded down his cheeks. "I'm supposed to protect her. How do I know that next time…next time…?"

"Castle…"

He shook his head and rubbed his index finger beneath his nose, brushing away a few droplets from the end. "It's one of the reasons I left her with Mother so long. I just…I see her and I get anxious. What if I can't protect her?"

The broken sounding tone of his voice had her eyes burning with tears as her heart felt like it was being wrung by two hands. She leaned in closer to him so her hand could skim over to the back of his neck and she could rub it gently. "Oh, Castle, no. I know I haven't known you that long, but from what I've seen of Alexis I know you're a wonderful father. And, unfortunately, that's one of the realities of parenthood—you can't always protect your children. Little girls grow up and become adults. You can't shield her from the world forever even though I'm sure you wish you could."

"I've been thinking about investing in bubble wrap-lined clothing for her."

A laugh escaped Kate's lips. "I'm sure it would be adorable but she'd probably be very hot."

"Probably." He sniffed back a few more tears before rubbing his face with both hands and turning his head in her direction for the first time. "I'm sorry – I didn't think this trip would be so emotional."

She offered him a smile, gave his shoulder one last squeeze, and then leaned back towards her side of the vehicle. "Don't worry about it. It sounds like something that needed to come out. Want me to drive?"

He shook his head as he reached down to put the car into gear once more. "No. Maybe…maybe just a few more blocks…."

"Thank you," Castle said as he pocketed his keys and pressed the call button on the elevator. Gazing over at his companion he smiled. "For everything today; I really appreciate it." Though he meant them with utmost sincerity, somehow the words did not seem to convey the level of gratitude he felt for her. Without Kate's push, Castle had no idea how long it would have taken him to get behind the wheel of a car again; it could easily have been many more months. Without the stress of traffic and zooming cars he may never have been pushed to say aloud the things buried deep inside: his fears and insecurities. Having her there to console him meant the world to him and though it was the best he could do, saying thank you did not seem to be enough.

"Of course, Castle; anytime."

The elevator car arrived and they stepped inside as he said. "And thanks for, ah, tolerating my tears."

"Tolerating?" She echoed with an air of disbelief. Shaking her head, she reached out her arms to him and said, "C'mere," as she pulled him into a hug. He slid his arms willingly around her waist, pulling her close and inhaling the remaining scent of her shampoo when her hair partially covered his nostrils; she smelled like cherries.

Cradling Kate's body against his for the duration of their ascent to the penthouse, Castle realized just how much he appreciated her, just how much he enjoyed her company. She was…the best part of his day. Suddenly, setting to work on his next chapter for their remaining few hours together didn't seem like quite enough. He wanted more. He wanted…this.

When the car docked on the penthouse floor, Kate slid away from his embrace, smiled at him, and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as she stepped into the hallway. Not wanting to waste the moment, Castle scurried after her asking, "You, ah, you wanna do something else with me?"

"Like what?"

"Ah, I don't know. Something not work related."

"Like…dinner?"

He shook his head. Of course he wanted her to stay for dinner, and hoped she would at some point that week, but that wasn't exactly what he had in mind. Dinner was nice, but it was so simple. He could have dinner with a friend or a colleague. With Kate Beckett he wanted something extraordinary, something meaningful, something he just couldn't—

Ah! The idea hit him just as he unlocked the apartment door and stepped over the threshold. "No, I—oh! Hang on just a second!" He scurried towards the office, praying he'd remembered the date correctly, and snatched the invitation Gina had been pushing on him out from underneath some other documents on the desk. Bingo!

"Ah, yeah, actually yeah—I want to take you to dinner. Friday night—you busy?"

She grinned at him. "No."

"Perfect! I'll pick you up at seven—oh and the dress is black tie, will that be a problem?"

He watched her jaw fall an inch. "B-black tie!? Where are you taking me?!"

He held the invitation out for her so she could see. "A gala Black Pawn is sponsoring."

"A gala."

His brow wrinkled when the flat tone she used to echo him. He studied her face as she read the invitation and his heartrate sped at the fear of her rescinding her acceptance of his offer. "Is that a problem?"

"I…" She lifted her head and gazed at him a bit dumbly as she continued, "'ve never been to a gala."

Castle stepped forward, reached out and encircled her left wrist with the thumb and index finger of his right hand. "I'd like you to come with me. I told Gina I wasn't going but…could be fun with you." He quirked his lips upwards in an attempt at enticing her not to back out.

She offered a shy little smile. "Ah…yeah ok I guess I can find…something appropriate…ish…"

Castle's brow lurched upwards. Oh—oh! If that was her only concern than he could easily take care of that. "It is really short notice—which is completely my fault, so, here." He reached into his pocket and flipped open his wallet with little thought. Only when he began to tug at the card in the foremost slot only to have it not budge at all did he recall that he still had occasional issues with dexterity. "Ah, damn it."

"What is it?"

"Can't get this damn thing out."

"Here. Which one?" She reached out for the wallet and he passed it to her.

"The black one."

"Don't feel bad—these can be hard for everyone." She slid the card from its resting spot and held out both card and wallet to him; he only accepted the latter.

"No, keep it; your dress is on me."

She gasped as though the card had suddenly been lit aflame. "Castle I can't take your credit card."

"Sure you can; Mother does all the time."

"But she's your mother."

"And you're my date." He explained simply. She trapped her bottom lip between her teeth and he smiled. "Please; I insist. Just make sure you look really, really hot."

This comment succeeding in drawing a laugh from her lips before she playfully punched him in the arm. "Thanks, Castle."

He bobbed his head. "Of course; I already can't wait."

A/N: Reminder: next update will be on Tuesday