Author's Notes: Another letter. There will only be one more (from Alfred) before the real story starts. No one said anything about my Canada letters so I'm doing it.

READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTES AT THE END PLEASE!

Disclaimer: I don't own Axis Powers: Hetalia.

Dear Alfred,

Arthur Kirkland is my real pirate name. You are an idiot.

Being a "gangsta" is not what it's all about. Neither is being a ninja. I'll agree with you about the pirate thing though. That's what it's all about.

I don't think anyone finds you attractive. Especially not me.

Really? Australia? I'll have to have a talk with him about this. He's got the same amount of brain power you do though so it might be a little difficult. The two of you should never meet each other…ever.

The clothes I gave you were uncomfortable because you became to fat for them.

Oh really? No awkward moments whatsoever? Need I remind you of your first crush and the events that followed?

Would you shut up about my age already? I'm not old. "The fist step is admitting it." Isn't that from some twelve step programme to help people stop drinking? It doesn't really apply in this situation.

I don't care that you know a little Spanish, most of the world knows another language you ignorant fool.

Not all Asians look young forever. You really know nothing about the rest of the world do you?

Yes, you are dim-witted. The alphabet has nothing to do with whose name should come first. My name should be first because I'm more mature and obviously in charge of our wheelchair race team. Sigh…fine. If I ever get sent to a retirement home you and I will be a wheelchair race team. We'll be lucky if we can find anyone who would race against us.

If I was Mexico I'd be ticked off with you too. That law is derogatory. It's encouraging racial profiling. If I was you, I wouldn't be too proud of Arizona right now. You need to teach your children to behave. You're hiding under your desk? That's what you get for being a blockhead and not considering other people's feelings when you pass laws. I hope Mexico gets you and you're too out of shape to fight him off.

You are the only one who cares about the condition of your feet.

You can't just think about being mature! That's not how it works. "It's the thought that counts" only applies when you get a gift you don't like. Like last year at Christmas when you have me a gift card to McDonalds. I hated that gift but it was the thought that counted. Sort of.

At least I have friends. Real or imaginary. I could tell that was sarcasm, I didn't need you to clarify.

Yes, you may be more powerful but where has that power gotten you? You weren't my favourite (there is a "u" in favorite "dumb-face" [that's the best you could do?]).

I'm glad you know what an oxymoron is. Why the sudden boost in intelligence? And fairies are real.

You're not lying? I guess you're pretty truthful most of the time so I'll believe you. I just can't imagine how that annoyance came out of…where was it…Canada. He was always so calm and well behaved when you were children. I hardly noticed he was there.

Are you kidding? You don't know where Australia is? Bloody Americans. It's…uh…located next to… Germany. Yep, Germany. That's the truth. Make sure you introduce yourself and call him by his proper name (Australia).

New Zealand isn't weak. That kid is just a freak of nature. You have to admit, even you were a little scared when he first showed up.

It is your fault he's as big as he is. Didn't that Justin Timberlake fellow (an American) help him get popular? He could have stayed a nameless Canadian forever but you had to butt your nose into it.

You know geography? Who's the one who had to ask where Australia was?

That's not how a balanced meal works. It has nothing to do with scales and weighing your food.

I'm pretty sure pen pals actually like each other, and enjoy receiving/sending letters to each other. We are not pen pals.

You do realize the Mayans vanished thousands of years ago right? You can't ask people who don't exist to change their calendar. Maybe you could ask Mexico (if you can get a word in without him sucker punching you in the stomach first. If he does that, make sure you get it on tape so I can laugh at you for years to come. Not that it matters if you don't, I'm sure you'll do something brainless in the future I can laugh at).

You will be a ghost. And I'll laugh at you.

Yes, heaven forbid you be stuck with dirty feet for the rest of your life. What will you do?

I have to admit, the cowbell thing was pretty good. I'll give you that.

There is no bloody way I'll kiss that disgusting, horrible, monstrous, inappropriate, win-addicted, unintelligent, brainless, frog. No bloody way. Get someone else to do it.

The last place I want to be is your mind (if you even have one). You could rent that empty space where your brain should be out to help your failing economy.

What part of me having a fake tongue because my other one fell out is logical? You are the one with the accent (and what an atrocious accent it is).

No, eating your food would be torture. Do you get some sick satisfaction out of insulting me?

Your dictionary is stupid. I spell all words correctly.

Sincerely,

Arthur Kirkland

P.S. You are not in the mafia. You couldn't pull off being a pirate. What do I know about it? Are you pulling my leg? You made that movie, Pirates of the Caribbean; notice how none of the pirates are American? I thought so.

AN: Arthur really doesn't want Alfred to meet Australia which is why he told him it was near Germany. And he wanted Alfred to look like an even bigger idiot in front of Austria. Poor Alfred. ;)

IMPORTANT:

I'm starting a new fic. It's a challenge for all readers/writers/Hetalia lovers.

It involves letters from Alfred!

Please check out my story titled "Alfred's Letters to the World " for more info if you are interested or to tell me it's a stupid idea. :D

Thanks!