WARNING: a little of angst but compared with the previous chapter this is rather light :P
"And that's our story"
When Lailah finished talking, none of the boys said anything. Sorey simply enclosed an arm around Mikleo's lower back, deep sadness showing on his usual lively expression, and even if Mikleo's face couldn't be seen because his head was pointing towards the ground making his bangs hide his expression, it was evident that the boy was crying for the way his shoulders were slightly shaking.
"Now I understand why Dezel can't do that show", Sorey muttered, "then, the hat that he is always wearing…"
Lailah nodded with a sad smile.
"Yes, it was Lafarga's"
At that moment Mikleo sobbed softly and after rubbing his eyes discretely he finally raised his head to look at Lailah.
"And what happened with the rest of the people that was with the Windriders? Why neither of them remained with you?"
"Well, after the incident and Zaveid's leaving, the fame of the Windriders began to decrease, so did our benefits. Consequently, we began to have more and more difficulties to keep paying the staff of the circus and eventually that caused the people to abandon the circus until just Rose, Dezel and I remained. Besides, in just a year the Calamity Circus began to become famous, so a lot of people that used to work with us decided to join them instead"
Mikleo nodded and averted his eyes while his hands turned into fists with impotence, making Lailah settle a hand over them with affection.
"But there is something that I don't understand", Sorey said with confusion, "why Zaveid doesn't tell Dezel the truth? If he told Dezel the reason for which he left I'm sure that Dezel would immediately come back with him"
Lailah smiled resignedly.
"Yes, I think that he should tell him too, but according to Zaveid even if he had motives to leave, the fact that he abandoned Dezel and made him suffer is still there, so he considers unfair to use his leaving as an excuse. Besides, Zaveid is right when assuming that Dezel would blame himself as well for his leaving, and that's something that Zaveid definitely doesn't want. So please, promise me that you are not going to tell Dezel anything"
After interchanging a look, Mikleo and Sorey exhaled a frustrated sigh at the same time before nodding with certain reluctance, causing Lailah to chuckle softly.
"Don't worry", Lailah said with confidence, "my intuition tells me that not much remains until Zaveid and Dezel are together again"
Dezel woke up from his half-asleep daze when someone knocked at the door. He incorporated until ending sitting on the bed, momentarily confused when feeling that the bed where he had been lying was different from the one of his caravan until remembering that he was at the inn of Pendrago.
When a couple of more knocks sounded again Dezel sighed and dried the remains of the tears that were still on his cheeks. Damn, he wouldn't have minded to keep sleeping a little more. At least like that he didn't have to remember the reason of his escape from the camp.
"Yes?", he asked with a purposely impatient tone, trying to indicate the annoying person out there that he was being bothered.
"E-Excuse me, sir", Dezel felt a little guilty when hearing the apologetic voice of a woman, "but there are some personal data of your register that we have to verify so please, could you open the door to confirm that everything is correct?"
Dezel frowned while standing up from the bed an approaching the door. He didn't know what personal data could be wrong. When renting the room he had just said his name and nothing more.
"Alright", he said with a resigned tone while opening the door a little.
Or at least that was his intention, because suddenly the door was opened completely and a figure that clearly wasn't feminine practically stomped on the room.
"Thanks a lot, honey, you've been a great help"
Dezel froze when recognized that voice, and he could just hear the girl muttering some kind of hurried apology before the door was closed as rudely as it had been opened.
"Damn, Dezel-chan, you could have told us where you were going to be. Pendrago isn't precisely small"
"What the hell was that about?", Dezel snapped, his heart still beating a little more than normal because of Zaveid's sudden visit.
"Oh, do you mean the register thing?", Zaveid scratched the back of his head, "weeell, let's say that I had the feeling that if I had announced my presence directly, you wouldn't have let me enter"
Dezel clicked his tongue.
"You've guessed perfectly right so could you leave already, please? You should be training for tomorrow show instead of wasting time looking for me"
"Oh, don't worry, I'll train", Zaveid said with an enervating calming tone, "but not without you"
Dezel, who had been about to push Zaveid out of the room again, stopped in his tracks with an astonished expression on his face.
"What?", he said, thinking that he hadn't understood right.
"You've heard me, Dezel", this time Zaveid's tone sounded determined, "I'm not going to leave this room without you"
Dezel snorted.
"Are you kidding right?", he crossed his arms over his chest, "I thought that I had made myself clear when saying that I don't want to do that show"
"No, what you've said is that you can't do that show"
Dezel gulped. Damn Zaveid, why did he always remember the most inconvenient things?
"Tsk, is there any difference?", Dezel muttered, turning his head to the side.
"Yeah, and a really important one", Zaveid settled a hand over Dezel's shoulder, "because if you didn't want to do it, knowing how stubborn you are I couldn't possibly convince you. However, if you can't, that just means that we have to work together to make it possible"
Dezel snorted again.
"Oh yeah? And do you really think that in just a day you can achieve what I couldn't do in a whole damn year?"
Dezel removed Zaveid's hand from his shoulder, and since the gesture was ruder than he had intended he made sure to use a softer tone when speaking next.
"Look Zaveid, thanks for wanting to help me but it's not going to work. I tried it. I really tried, but it's useless. And no matter how little the distance from the rope to the ground is: the moment I place a foot on it, my body just blocks and doesn't obey me, so it's impossible for me to…"
"It's not impossible, Dezel. You just have to stop blaming yourself without motive and that's when you'll be finally able to do it again"
Dezel had been about to protest for Zaveid's interruption but when hearing the other man's words he stopped what he was going to say, a frown appearing on his face.
"Without motive?", Dezel repeated.
"Yeah, without motive", Zaveid repeated again, and Dezel was surprised when hearing a hint of irritation on Zaveid's usual calm voice, "what happened five years ago wasn't your fault. Nor Lafarga's death, nor Eizen's state either, even if you keep insisting on the contrary despite Lailah's attempts of convincing you"
Dezel exhaled an empty laugh.
"Come on, do you really want to believe that Lailah don't think like that? And Edna?", he said with bitterness, "maybe they don't admit it aloud because they are kind enough not to accuse me directly, but I'm sure that they both would have preferred that Eizen wouldn't have saved me..."
Obviously, Dezel didn't see the hit coming. In fact, he realized that Zaveid had just slapped him when he felt his cheek stinging, and even if the pain was rather sharp he knew that Zaveid hadn't used much force because otherwise he would have been lying on the floor by then.
"Don't ever say something like that again", Dezel couldn't help to gulp when realizing that Zaveid's tone was lower than usual, indicating him that his last comment has pissed him off, "I know that you don't really mean it, but saying that is as if you were accusing Lailah or Edna of not caring about you, and they don't deserve to be doubted like that"
Dezel suppressed the urge of rubbing his cheek and managed to adopt a more or less decent firm voice when speaking again.
"I don't doubt them. And I know that they care about me. But I also know that there's no way that they don't blame me for Eizen's state. With the years I've accepted that there was nothing that I could do to save Lafarga, but it doesn't matter how much you try to convince me: what happened to Eizen was my fault, because if I hadn't been paralyzed after seeing Lafarga die, if I had reacted sooner, maybe I would have managed to reach the pillar in time and consequently Eizen wouldn't have needed to fall with me to save me"
"And if Lafarga had checked the installation better, none of that would have happened wither"
Dezel's mouth fell completely opened, not expecting that reply at all.
"What?", he simply asked, hoping to have misunderstood Zaveid's comment, but when the older man kept speaking he realized that he hadn't understood anything wrong.
"I say that if you want to blame someone, you should blame the old man"
Dezel gritted his teeth when hearing Zaveid's completely unbothered tone.
"Oi…", Dezel grabbed Zaveid's by his collar, his hands trembling with a mix of disappointment and anger, "…what the hell is wrong with you? How can you accuse Lafarga so nonchalantly?"
Zaveid didn't make any attempt of pushing Dezel away, and when he spoke again his tone was even calmer than before, as if he was trying to annoy Dezel more on purpose.
"I'm just telling the truth. I love Lafarga. He did for me what no one had ever done. He decided to accept me by his side without hesitation, and thanks to him I was able to find my passion for the circus. He was a man who never thought ill of anyone. A man who always looked on the bright side of people. And precisely that adorable innocence was what made him unable to suspect Symonne in the least during that day five years ago. He was the one who took the responsibility of making sure to check the assembly of the installations in order to assure that everything was right, but because of his blind trust to that girl, he was unable to see Symonne's true intentions and consequently he let her sabotage the show…"
"Shut up!"
Dezel managed to throw Zaveid against one of the walls of the room while keeping grabbing his collar.
"How can you say that you love Lafarga and say such things about him?", Dezel practically snarled with anger, his face so close to Zaveid that their noses were almost brushing, "if he is the one to blame because he couldn't see through that damn woman, in that case not just him but all of us are at fault because neither of us was able to discover her true intentions either!"
Dezel was about to keep shouting, but then Zaveid settled a hand on his cheek in such an unexpected tender gesture that Dezel forgot what he was going to say.
"Exactly, Dezel. Exactly", Dezel was surprised when Zaveid used and extremely soft voice, "Neither of us was able to see through it, so if there is someone that we have to blame it's not you. It's, as you've just said, all of us"
Dezel's anger gradually evaporated until just confusion remained.
"But you've just said that Lafarga was the one at fault…"
Zaveid surprised him once again when chukling softly.
"Yeah, I did. And what's your reaction been when saying that?", Dezle felt the smile on Zaveid's next words, "to defend the old man tooth and nail. With the same vigor that we all use when defending that you are NOT the one at fault, even if you stubbornly keep believing that"
"But it's not the same!", Dezel protested, "first of all, even if there was nothing that I could do when the tightrope broke, that doesn't change the fact that if I hadn't been up there, Lafarga wouldn't have needed to sacrifice himself to save me"
"Dezel, if you hadn't been in the tightrope I would have been the one replacing you, and the result would have been the same. Or maybe different, because maybe in that case I would have been the one in…"
"Don't complete that sentence!", Dezel shook Zaveid while shouting with a desperation that surprised even him, "if…if you had been the one in…"
Dezel's voice broke just at the end because of the lump that had just formed on his throat when the image of Zaveid replacing Lafarga during his mortal fall appeared on his mind. He gulped and tried it again, but then Zaveid embraced him, one of his arms surrounding his back completely and the other one settling on the back of his head, effectively cutting the little chances that Dezel had of being able to reply something.
"Sorry, I shouldn't have said that last part", Zaveid apologized, even if his tone sounded somewhat happy for Dezel's almost hysteric reaction, "but I'm just trying to make you understand that you have no motive to blame yourself. Lafarga just did what he had to do: to protect one of his precious children, and I'm sure that wherever he is right now he doesn't regret to have died like that at all"
Dezel bit his bottom lip, but when Zaveid began to stroke his hair with tenderness he realized that he wasn't going to be able to keep his cool anymore, so he decided to let himself drown into that always suffocating but satisfying warm, using his arms to surround Zaveid's lower back tightly and letting out all the tears that he had been trying to hold back not just since that afternoon, but since that day five years ago when knowing what had happened to Lafarga, and to Eizen, and to his eyesight. And especially, since the moment he discovered that maybe Zaveid had disappeared from his life forever.
"And about Eizen", Zaveid continued, "what you've said about you being the cause of his current state for not being able to react faster is wrong. The tightrope practically broke the moment you began to move so I'm afraid that nothing would have changed….No, that's a lie. Something would have changed", Zaveid embraced him more tightly, and Dezel was surprised when Zaveid took a deep breath before continuing, his voice sounding a little ragged when doing so, "that probably you would have fallen before giving Eizen time to catch you. And damn, if that had happened I would have been the one unable to forgive myself"
Dezel gulped when detecting fear on Zaveid's words, and since that was something that he definitely didn't like to hear on Zaveid's always cheery voice he immediately exhaled a purposely loud snort.
"Oh, so you are allowed to blame yourself but I am not…"
Dezel was relieved when feeling Zaveid relaxing again while exhaling a short laugh when hearing Dezel's ironic tone.
"No, you aren't", Zaveid said, releasing him just the necessary to be able to look at his face but keeping his arms around his body, and Dezel was glad when hearing that familiar mockery back on Zaveid's voice, "after all, a crybaby shrimp like you isn't allowed to blame himself"
"What the…? Who do you think you are calling shrimp?! Now you are only taller than me by two centimeters!"
"Oh, but you don't deny the crybaby part, hah?"
"…Seriously, Zaveid, you are…"
The older man laughed again when hearing Dezel's tone before flicking him on the forehead playfully.
"I know, I know: I am exasperating, right?"
Dezel didn't say anything. Yes, but you are also amazing, Dezel would have liked to say, because even if he couldn't help to feel that he was in part at fault for his master and friend's fates, at least the horrible feeling of guiltiness and self-hatred that had been accompanying him during all those years had vanished a little.
Dezel suppressed a defeated sigh. Definitely Zaveid hadn't lost his ability to comfort him with his confidence and kindness. And damn if that wasn't making him want to act in a way that he had desperately trying to avoid during the almost three weeks that Zaveid had been with them. A way that implied to break the promise that he had forced Zaveid to do, and that implied the older man to end with a black eye in case of breaking it…
"So…", Zaveid speaking suddenly again made Dezel's heart jump inside his chest because of the thoughts that had been rounding his head, "…are you finally going to stop acting as a depressed shrimp and help me to recover our old show? Or am I going to be obliged to tie you up with my pendulums to make that happen? And hey, now that I think about it, to use the pendulums to try out some bondage could be extremely hot…ouch!"
"Show more respect for your pendulums", Dezel snapped while Zaveid rubbed the side of his head where Dezel had hit him, although for the way Zaveid laughed Dezel deduced that the man had noticed the smile that had been about to appear on his lips, "and about recovering our show…", Dezel's expression turned serious again, almost solemn, "…I'm still not sure about being able to do it by tomorrow night but I'll try. With all I have"
Zaveid smiled with satisfaction.
"That's the spirit, Dezel-chan", he said before finally releasing him, "and now that you finally seem to have come to your senses let's go to see the rest. They were really worried about you leaving like that"
Dezel gulped and nodded while recovering Lafarga's hat from the night stand. Damn, he didn't know how many times he had worried Lailah and Rose because of his attitude, so even if it was probably too late he had to apologize.
"And Dezel-chan…"
"What?", Dezel asked, confused when hearing Zaveid's apologetic tone, and again he jumped a little when Zaveid caressed tenderly his cheek.
"I'm sorry about the hit"
It took Dezel a little to understand Zaveid's apology, and when he did he couldn't prevent a snort from escaping.
"Please, Zaveid, what do you think I am? A delicate flower?", Dezel asked with irony, "maybe I'm not as strong as you but I can perfectly stand a slap of yours without breaking. Besides, have you forgotten the punch that I gave you when we first met?"
Zaveid chuckled but there was still hesitation on his voice when speaking again.
"No, I haven't, but at that time I deserved it since I kissed you out of the blue without even asking"
"Well, I deserved the hit too for being such a stubborn shrimp so we are tied", Dezel said with a cutting tone, trying to push back his blushing when remembering how damn good that brief kiss had felt after so many years, "so stop apologizing stupidly and let's go"
Zaveid chuckled before following Dezel out of the room.
"Okay, stubborn shrimp. I follow you"
"Zaveid…"
"Hey, I'm not being the one in calling you that so you can't complain"
Zaveid just chuckled again when Dezel exhaled a purposely loud resigned sigh, but when they finally left the inn and Zaveid enclosed an arm playfully around Dezel's shoulder this one didn't make any attempt of pushing him again.
They remained in that position during all their travel towards the Windriders Camp, where they found Sorey and Mikleo packing several things.
"Oi, where are the ladies? They haven't come back yet?"
When hearing Zaveid, the two toys immediately stopped what they were doing to approach them.
"No, but Lailah has asked us to begin to move some things to the main plaza, since we are going to mount the big top there", Sorey explained.
"Tsk, we could have gone there directly", Dezel regretted, and then the unnatural tense silence that followed made Dezel deduc successfully that Sorey and Mikleo were staring at him while suppressing the urge to speak, "and relax already: this idiot has convinced me to try to do that show even if I'm pretty sure that I'm going to fail"
When hearing his words Sorey and Mikleo let out a loud sigh of relief that caused Zaveid to begin to laugh.
"That's great!", Sorey exclaimed with such happy tone that Dezel couldn't help to feel a little overwhelmed. Damn, he had just met that kid three weeks ago, how could he be so genuinely happy for him? He was surely a really good kid.
"Yes, although be careful: Edna has the intention of hitting you with her umbrella the moment she sees you", Mikleo added with a warning tone.
"Tsk, that's nothing new", Dezel said with a resigned tone.
After that, Zaveid and Dezel helped Mikleo and Sorey to carry the rest of the materials, and after making sure that the animals were were resting and there was no risk that they provoked a ruckus while being left alone, they entered the city again in the direction of the main plaza.
They arrived barely ten minutes later to find the big top practically installed, since Sergei had offered the girls some of his knights to help with the installation, and when Dezel heard the unmistakable cheery voices of Rose and Lailah together with Edna's monotone voice from the inside he gulped. Damn, after his rather embarrassing behavior he couldn't help to feel nervous of their reaction.
"Come on, Dezel-chan. They are not going to bite you", Zaveid joked then when noticing his sudden tension, and after exhaling a deep breath Dezel nodded to himself before following Sorey and Mikleo inside.
"It was time already, slowpokes! I hope you haven't been intimating instead of packi…"
Rose's teasing comment stopped suddenly, indicating Dezel that he had noticed his presence.
"Dezel…", she simply muttered, her tone full of surprise and relief at the same time.
Dezel gulped again, trying to calm himself down a little before speaking. However, before he could do anything he heard small but fast steps approaching him with determination, and when recognizing them he instinctively raised an arm over his head in an attempt to protect himself from the hit that was surely going to come.
But this time, his instincts failed him. Because instead of the hit that he was expecting he was forced to keep his balance when suddenly finding himself in a tight hug.
"Edna?", he asked in disbelief, still not believing what was happening, because there was no way that Edna - Edna - was hugging him like that. He would have expected that reaction from Rose, or from Lailah, but not from the tsundere and always grumpy Edna, the queen of keeping her feelings and emotions to herself.
"What happened to my brother wasn't your fault", Dezel felt his heart skip a beat when hearing Edna's muffled but cutting words, "and yes, it's true that at first I blamed you. And that at first a part of me would have preferred that Eizen didn't climb that pillar to help you because that way he wouldn't have ended like that. But then, after thinking about the alternative, and after realizing what would have happened to you if he hadn't done what he did, I stopped thinking that way. Because even if asleep, Eizen is at least still alive, so there is hope for him to recover. But if he hadn't caught you when you fell, you…", Dezel froze when hearing Edna's tone faltering, "you…"
"You would have died", Lailah completed then with a soft voice, approaching Dezel and Edna to hug them both tenderly, "and that's something that nor Eizen, nor anyone of the Windriders, could have let it happen. Of course we would have liked that Eizen didn't end that way, but every one of us would have acted the same way than him to save someone important to us. And I'm sure that Eizen would be really angry if he discovered that you were feeling guilty for that. In fact, if he wakes up the first thing that I'm going to tell him is that he doesn't dare to cook you one of his famous desserts, as a punishment for not listening to us sooner"
"You're really an idiot!", Dezel exhaled a breathless gasp when Rose enclosed her arms around his body from behind with force, since his front was completely occupied by Edna and Lailah, "jeez, we aren't Zaveid, you know? We don't have the ability to read you so easily, so stop keeping everything to yourself! We are family, and that means that you don't need to suffer alone, so stop playing the lone wolf already because we are you damn pack!"
Despite Dezel could feel again a lump forming on his throat, he couldn't help to exhale a laugh when hearing Rose's comparison, while feeling that familiar uneasiness that he had been feeling during all that time slowly disappearing.
Damn, he surely was lucky, having all that crazy but fantastic people around him.
"Sorry", he said with a sincere apologetic tone, "I know that I've been a pain in the ass during these years, but I promise that from now on I'll try to share my feelings more with you not to worry you"
All the girls hugged him even tighter after hearing his words, and then, just when they were going to finally separate, a big figure situated just behind Rose to enclose his strong arms around all of them in an almost suffocating embrace, causing everyone to exhale loud squeaks.
"Oi, you could have warned that this was going to be a collective Windriders hug!"
"Oh, in that case I'll join it too!"
"S-Sorey, wait! We shouldn't…!"
But Sorey didn't listen to his boyfriend and after settling just behind Edna he enclosed his arms as well around the blond girl and Lailah, causing Mikleo to face palm with resignation, although the cough that escaped from his mouth looked suspiciously similar to a laugh.
"O-Oi, stop already! This is ridiculous!", Dezel snapped with embarrassment.
"Zaveid, Zaveid, Zaveid, I can't breathe. I can't breathe!", Rose begged, almost as red as her hair not just because of the tight embrace but also for the laughter.
"Sorey, baka, stop pushing!", Edna exclaimed, trying to push back a laughing Sorey back without success.
"Oh my, this is a little uncomfortable but it makes me remember the good times where all of you were much more affectionate!", Lailah simply said with a happy smile.
"Come on, Mikleo-chan, don't be like that and join the Windrider pack's embrace!"
"No, thank you, I'm fine like…aaaah!"
Everyone's protests turned into laughs when Sorey grabbed Mikleo's arm and made him stomp against the rest with force, and even if the white-haired boy glared at Sorey he ended enclosing his arms shyly over the rest.
"Umh…", at that moment a rather confused knight entered the tent, "I've just been told that we have to do and installation here but if you are busy we can come back later…"
"Oh no, we have just finished showing our love, don't worry", Zaveid said with his usual nonchalance while Sorey, Rose and Lailah made efforts to suppress the laugher while Mikleo and Dezel competed for which one was the redder. Of course, Edna had already recovered her usual impassible attitude.
"Very well then", at that moment more knights entered, "I estimate that it won't take us more than an hour so if you want to do other things meanwhile we'll warn you when you finish"
"Thanks for the offer but I prefer to keep an eye on the installation, if you don't mind"
"Yes, I'll remain here as well"
When hearing Zaveid and Lailah said that with polite but firm tones, Dezel gulped because he knew why they had asked that, and even if he would have liked to stay as well he knew that his presence wasn't necessary at all. After all, not being able to see made impossible that he could watch over the installation to assure that no one was sabotaging anything, so during the time that the installation was carried out he decided to train together with the rest of the Windriders, since maybe a little of extenuating exercise would help him calm down the uneasiness that had settled in the pit of his stomach now that the moment of truth was slowly approaching. The moment that would decide if he was prepared to become a Wind Seraph again or not.
At the end, the knights' estimation was a little optimistic and by when they managed to finish it was already really late, but nevertheless Zaveid and Dezel (more Zaveid than Dezel) decided that they at least tried to make a couple of movements over the tightrope.
Meanwhile, everyone decided that they would finish checking that they had all the necessary for the next day show in order to leave the pendulum performers alone, since they all knew that Dezel was already nervous enough and that having more people around observing them wasn't going to help. Of course, Rose didn't like that decision at all because he wanted to remain there to cheer Dezel, but at the end the rest convinced her (more or less) that it was the best solution so she ended accompanying the rest. Although reluctantly.
"Well. Here we are again"
Dezel took a deep breath and nodded, not trusting his own voice to answer.
They were just in front of the pillars that they had to climb in order to reach the five meters tightrope that had been placed up there. Of course during the show of the next day they were going to be at a higher altitude but Zaveid considered that it was better to begin with a lower one.
"So…", Zaveid said with a soft tone, "Are you ready?"
Dezel exhaled a nervous laugh.
"I don't know", he admitted. Now that the moment that he had been fearing since that morning had finally come, his previous resolution was slowly fading.
"Dezel-chan, that's not how a pride Wind Seraph should talk", Zaveid said with a playful tone while enclosing his arm around his shoulders, "remember when you were younger and you always claimed that you were going to be the best Wind Seraph?"
Dezel snorted.
"Yeah, I remember, but at that moment I was just a cocky brat. Now I seriously doubt that I can ever mange to be as good as you"
Zaveid bumped his forehead softly against Dezel's temple.
"Oi, although it's rather nice to be complemented by you instead of insulted I don't want you to undervalue yourself. Because even if it's true that you were an adorable cocky brat, you had all the rights to be like that. After all you managed to become a Wind Seraph in just three years when it took me almost four"
"That was just because you spent almost half a year fooling around with girls"
"…Yeah, maybe that has something to do with it but anyway", Zaveid's tone turned reassuring, "what I'm saying is that you are way more incredible than you think. And if the fact that you've managed to improve your technique even more during all these years while being blind is not enough to convince you of that, I'm afraid that what I've overestimated your intelligence, not you skills"
Dezel snorted while beginning to lower his hat in order to hide the giant blush that had settled on his cheeks without any success.
"So stop thinking too much", Zaveid ended saying with a smile, "and even if it sounds topic as hell, believe in yourself. I can guarantee you that that's the only think that you lack right now to manage to do the show"
Dezel exhaled another deep breath and nodded, forcing himself to push aside the negative thoughts in order to focus on his task on hand, that for now consisted on climbing that pillar to reach the tightrope.
"Very well, Dezel-chan", Zaveid announced when they both were finally on the top of the pillars, "I'll go first and I'll wait you on the middle of the tightrope, okay?"
Dezel gave a shaky nod of confirmation, and even if it didn't take Zaveid even ten seconds to reach the center, Dezel felt that it had been an eternity, since that short time had been enough to make his heart become crazy.
"Okay, I'm in position", Zaveid announced, "so whenever you are ready"
Dezel gulped and approached slowly the border of the pillar. And then, as always, he felt the horrible sensation of his body not responding him correctly: his legs refusing to move, as if they were stuck on the floor, and his arms stiffened on either side of his body, not allowing him to extend them in order to keep the balance. Damn it, Dezel thought to himself with frustration, damn it, I'm useless…
"Dezel", Dezel was about to jump when hearing Zaveid's reproaching tone, "don't push yourself. We have all the time you need so take your time to relax and concentrate. I'll be just right here, okay? Waiting for you"
Somehow, Zaveid's last words made him calm down enough so that his body responded him, although it was still shaking slightly, so tentatively he dared to place a foot on the tightrope.
And that's when images that were a mix of reality and fiction product of his guiltiness appeared just in front of him, so vividly that it was as if he could see again. Images that had been tormenting him during years and that at that moment made his chest clench so painfully that he felt the imperious necessity of gasping for air: the tightrope breaking; the people crying down there; Lafarga falling and hitting the ground with an horrible sound that was way louder than it should have been; Eizen falling with him not to wake up ever again; everyone looking at him with barely suppressed hate, their expressions carrying a clear message: it was you; it was your fault; you are a murderer; you are…
"Dezel"
Suddenly, as fast as they had come, the images that were assaulting him stopped completely when Dezel heard Zaveid's voice so close to him. It seemed that during his panic attack the man had walked all the tightrope until reaching the opposite pillar, where Dezel was.
"Dezel, I'm here", Zaveid grabbed one of his hands and pressed it briefly, "We are here. This is not five years ago, there is no reason to panic"
Dezel grabbed Zaveid's hand with almost all his force, as if that was his safeguard not to fall into that nightmare again.
"So don't be a scaredy-cat now", Zaveid added with a more playful one, moving backwards without releasing Dezel, forcing the younger man to follow him with slow and still hesitating steps, "we have done this hundredths of times, remember? This is nothing for pros like us. And even if we fall, the mat will protect us. Lailah-chan and I have made sure of checking that"
Thanks to Zaveid's continued talk, they had managed to reach the center of the tightrope and Dezel had barely noticed it.
"Now I'm going to release your hand", Zaveid seemed to notice the panic that appeared momentarily on Dezel's slightly strained expression because when he talked again, his tone was softer, "it's alright. You're more than prepared to do this"
Dezel stopped feeling Zaveid's contact, and even if for a moment he felt about to panic again he immediately forced himself to focus.
This was not five years ago. That nightmare was already over. And even if he still missed Lafarga and Eizen a lot, he had accepted that he could have done nothing to prevent their fate. And that even if he had been involved in what happened to them both directly, it was not his fault, and that the rest didn't blame him for that. And Zaveid was right. What they were doing was nothing new. And it was not difficult, because even if he was blind now he had already got used to it, so why the hell was he so afraid?
After exhaling a deep breath, Dezel slowly reached his pocket, and after fumbling with it a little he managed to extract his pendulum. Damn, he had to work on it. Five years ago he wasn't so clumsy.
"That's it, Dezel", Zaveid said with a tone that tried to sound calm, although the expectation on his voice was evident, "and now…do you best move"
Dezel was about to protest, saying that it would be better to begin with something more basic, but almost immediately he discarded that option. They hadn't time to begin with the basics since the show was tomorrow, so they needed to focus on their best moves.
"Okay", Dezel muttered, extracting the other pendulum from his pocket, since obviously his best move implied to use his two pendulums.
Dezel didn't move during almost half-a-minute, just focusing on how he had to move in the tightrope in order to do that movement, and during that time Zaveid simply observed him quietly, an expression full of tenderness and pride that Dezel unfortunately missed.
And then, after that time, Dezel finally moved.
And of course the movement that he realized was very far from perfect, since just at the end of Dezel's spin the extremes of the pendulums crashed and ended warped around Dezel's ruining his final stance, causing to fall from the tightrope followed immediately by Zaveid, whose attempt to keep Dezel on the tightrope had been useless.
But despite that, and despite knowing that his movement has been objectively rather lame, when hitting the mat there was just one things that mattered.
"I did it", Dezel breathed out, his tone still incredulous, "I did it…"
Zaveid smiled widely next to him before incorporating a little over his forearm to look at Dezel.
"Yeah, Dezel", Zaveid confirmed, his voice sounding a little lower than usual because of the emotion, "you did"
Dezel let out a nervous laugh while biting his bottom lip in an attempt to stop his urges of beginning to cry out from happiness.
He couldn't believe it. Finally, he had managed to stand up there, and what was more: his body had obeyed him. Okay, it was true that the movement that he had managed to do had been horribly clumsy but he had done it without suffering those terrible visions that had been assaulting him all the previous times that he had tried to perform, and that meant that with enough practice he could make it. He could do it again. The show that Lafarga and Zaveid taught him and that made him love the circus even more the possible.
And all thanks to Zaveid. As always, that exasperating, overconfident and annoying man had managed to fulfill his promise. Once again, that man had saved him.
"Okay, Dezel-chan, I think that for today this is more than enough", Zaveid said with a cheery tone, missing the way Dezel gulped, "but be prepared because tomorrow we are going to have to work impossibly hard if we want to have a decent show for tomorr…"
Zaveid shut up when Dezel turned toward his side and slowly, incredibly slowly, raised his hands to grab his face between his hands, the question that he had been about to make turning into a sharp inhale when Dezel, tentatively, slid his thumb across his lower lip, tracing the contour of his mouth.
Dezel felt more than heard Zaveid inhaling again after that action, since the frantic beating of his own heart on his ears was the only thing that he could hear at that moment. Because finally, after all that time, he was aware of an irrefutable truth. Or better said, he had just acknowledged it:
He loved Zaveid.
In fact, he hadn't ever stopped loving him during all that time, and even if the idiot had caused him great pain when leaving him the way he did, there was no way that he could not love him after everything Zaveid had done for him. After how Zaveid hadn't stopped showing him how damn much he kept caring about him despite Dezel's first cold attitude. After how Zaveid always managed to save him over and over again, without asking for anything in return.
At the end, the only thing that had stopped him from finally accepting those overwhelming feelings that had never abandoned him was his fear to be hurt again, but he had been an idiot for fearing that. After all, Zaveid had promised him not to leave him again, and the man had managed to fulfill every one of his promises.
He promised him to protect him, and he did it when his stepfather threatened him.
He promised him that he would be the only one in his life when they finally got together, and he remained faithful to him during all those five years.
He promised not to kiss him again without permission, and the result was that now he was craving for those lips that he himself had forced out of him.
And he promised him to make him be able to do the show again, and against all odds he had managed to do it.
Damn it, definitely there couldn't be better alias than 'of the Promise' to describe that incredibly awesome man that now Dezel thought he didn't deserve at all.
So right then, Dezel thought to himself while slowly beginning to raise his face towards Zaveid's one, he was going to show it to him How damn grateful he was going to him. How damn much Zaveid meant to him. How damn much he had missed him. How damn much he had been dying to do what he was going to finally do…
"Argh, I can't wait anymore, the impatience is killing me! Hey, how are you doi…?"
Dezel didn't consider himself a particularly violent man, but at that moment, after hearing Rose's strangled gasp, he had to make use of all his self-control not to shout to the inopportune girl.
"S-sorry, sorry!", the girl practically squeaked, "I-I'll just come back later so continue with the…umh…training and…"
"Don't worry, Rose-chan. We have just finished"
Dezel froze when Zaveid's only reaction was to answer with a completely natural tone while incorporating out of the mat, eliminating the contact between them, and for the way Rose immediately shut up it seemed that he hadn't been the only one who was confused.
He didn't understand. There was no way that Zaveid hadn't realized that he had been about to kiss him, and after how much Zaveid had insisted on wanting that to happen Dezel had expected a completely different reaction, so why the hell the man had acted as if he was oblivious about it?
"O-oh, so that means that you've already managed to do it?"
By then Dezel had already stood up from the mat and had approached Rose and Zaveid while keeping thinking furiously in a good explanation. Or well, maybe at the end there was nothing to be explained because Zaveid was really unaware about what had been about to happen and he was simply thinking too much about it.
"Of course he has", Zaveid answered then, and Dezel felt at least a little of relief when seeing that his affectionate tone was the same as always.
"Really?! Congratulations! I knew that you'd make it", Rose exclaimed with such enthusiasm that Dezel couldn't help to smile happily despite being still worried for Zaveid's behavior.
"Yeah, but I've barely managed to make a movement with the pendulum and it was rather bad, so tomorrow we are going to have to work really hard"
"Yep, but I'm pretty sure that we'll be able to have a decent performance to show to that annoying Cardinal during tomorrow show", Zaveid said with such a reassuring tone, and just when Dezel was thinking that maybe he had been wrong and Zaveid's obliviousness was a fake, the man continued, "so now we just need to rest. We have experienced enough emotions for today and we need to cool down a little so that we don't make the mistake of rushing things. After all, this show is just the previous step to our true objective if we want to beat Hedalf"
And then, after hearing Zaveid's apparently reasoned and logic words, Dezel understood the reason behind Zaveid's sudden 'obliviousness'.
So that was it. The idiot was doing again what he did more than five years ago when realizing that his feeling for him weren't the typical of the ones that a big brother would have for his young brother anymore. Again, Zaveid was holding back his true feelings for him and pretending not to notice his actions in order to assure that Dezel had cooled down. That he wasn't rushing things. And damn, Dezel bet his damn hat that when he had tried to kiss him, Zaveid had thought that he had just done it in order to thank him. Because now that he remembered the first time that they had sex, despite his usual confidence, Zaveid had been afraid of being forcing his way on Dezel, as if he felt somehow obliged to do things that he didn't want to do.
And okay, Dezel had to admit that at that moment Zaveid's way of thinking was in part logic because even he thought that it was evident how damn much he had been desiring to do it with Zaveid, at that moment he was just sixteen and Zaveid twenty-two, so he couldn't blame the man for wanting to be sure that he was really agreeing on the idea.
But damn, now he was twenty-two. He was an adult. So if he was right, and Zaveid was really acting in such a oblivious way for that reason, the man was way more stupid than he already thought he was!
"Dezel?"
Dezel jumped when hearing his name been called, realizing that he had spaced out and that probably during that time Zaveid and Rose had been speaking about something that he hadn't heard at all.
"Sorry, what were you saying?"
Zaveid laughed and enclosed an arm around his shoulders.
"Dezel-chan, how rude", Zaveid said with a teasing tone, "The fact that you are going to become famous again thanks to our unbeatable show doesn't mean that you can ignore the rest of the minor performers…"
"Do you want me to show you what this minor performer is able to do with her daggers?"
"Okay, okay, I take that back, I take that back. Dezel-chan, please, protect me!"
When feeling Zaveid 'hide' behind him to protect himself from Rose, Dezel studied for a moment the possibility of asking him for a private conversation in order to make the idiot understand that his feelings were real, and that he wanting to kiss him wasn't him just for gratitude.
However, even if he succeeded in convincing the man (thing that right now he thought it was rather impossible) he was pretty sure how things would turn out, and even if at that moment there was nothing that he desired more than to spend a completely sleepless night with Zaveid, they couldn't allow themselves to do that now, because what Zaveid had said was true. The next day show was just a previous step to achieve their goal: to be the best circus of the world and to destroy the Calamity Circus, so he had to stay focused.
So for now, he would play Zaveid's game while pretending that nothing had happened, or better said, had been about to happen. But just until tomorrow show. Because after that like hell if he was not going to force Zaveid to stop acting like an overprotective idiot. And it had come to his mind a rather good (and certainly embarrassing) way to do it.
"Tsk, keep behaving like that and I'll make the Wind Seraph's show alone"
Zaveid laughed when hearing Dezel's purposely superior tone.
"It's a nice change to hear you speak with such overconfidence", Zaveid ruffled Dezel's hair with affection, causing him to barely suppress a blush because now that he had finally accepted his feelings damn if he didn't want to kiss the idiot right now. Shit, had Zaveid been feeling that way during those three weeks? Because in that case the man had way more self-control that he seemed to have at first glance.
After a couple of more minutes of slightly tense small talk, Zaveid excused himself saying that he had to check with Lailah certain matters regarding the paperwork that they had to fill to be able to perform the next day, and when the man finally left, Dezel could physically feel the way Rose fixed her eyes on him.
"Umh…Dezel…it's just me of when I've entered you were going to…"
Dezel sighed.
"Yes, Rose. I was going to kiss him", Dezel managed to cover Rose's mouth in time to prevent the surprised cry that had been about to escape her mouth, "…and please, I would prefer that the people of Pendrago don't hear you"
Rose nodded frantically, indicating Dezel that she was going to remain quiet, so Dezel removed his hand from her mouth.
"Then does this mean that you have finally admitted that you still love him?!"
Dezel blushed furiously when hearing Rose's always direct words but there was no point in denying it anymore.
"W-Well, of course I have, otherwise I wouldn't have tried to…"
"CONGRATULATIONS!", Dezel lost all the air of his lungs when Rose hugged him with force, "Jeez, it was time already for you to stop pretending!"
"I-I wasn't pretending", Dezel protested, even more red, "I wasn't sure of my feelings, that's all…"
"Oh yeah, and for that reason you allowed him to sleep in your bed aaand you stopped minding when he was obviously flirting with you aaand…"
"God, I shouldn't have told you anything…"
Rose laughed happily when hearing Dezel's exasperated tone, and as always Dezel's attempt of keeping an offended attitude failed because he ended smiling as well.
"But I don't understand", Rose said after releasing Zaveid from her deathly grip, her happy expression turning confused again, "Why Zaveid has acted as if nothing has happened? It has no sense at all"
Dezel sighed again while crossing his arms.
"Yes, it has. He simply wants to be sure that I'm not acting that way just because of gratitude. It's the same than when I told Eizen about my feelings for Zaveid and he advised me to wait until being sure"
"Yeah, well, but now it's different, because is horribly evident how damn much you love him so he should have kissed you back"
Dezel was about to protest that it wasn't that evident but again he shut up. Because who was he kidding? Despite all his efforts he had never been good at hiding his feelings.
"So?", Rose insisted, "are you planning to go after your idiot almost-boyfriend to make him see that or not?"
Dezel had to suppress a smile when hearing Rose's hurried tone.
"Yeah, I'll do, but tomorrow after the show. And…umh…", Dezel cleared his throat and averted his face to the side with embarrassment, "…I'm going to need your help in order to do that"
After Dezel told Rose his idea he was prepared to receive a teasing comment, but to his surprise Rose just placed a hand over his shoulder.
"Don't worry, Dezel", Rose said with a scary solemn tone, "I won't disappoint you. Leave everything to the capable hands of Rose 'the Matchmaker'"
"Please, don't you dare to change your alias to that one"
"Why? After all you are always making jokes about my current one"
"Yeah, because it's quite ridiculous, but this new one is even more ridiculous"
"Mmm…how strange…I think that certain someone has just asked me help for something reeaaally important buuut maybe I decide NOT to help him because of his bad attitude…"
Dezel's worried expression must have been really worth to see because Rose burst out laughing.
"It's a joke, idiot", she said punching his shoulder playfully before grabbing one his wrists, "come on. If you want to have prepared that for tomorrow we should begin right now"
"Okay. And Rose…"
"Yep?"
The girl let out a little cry when suddenly Dezel hugged her again.
"Thanks"
Rose blushed a little while exhaling a slight nervous chuckle, since such an action was completely out of character of the grumpy Dezel that she had got used to.
"I haven't done anything yet, silly, so keep your thanks after tomorrow show", she said with irony while returning the hug. After some more seconds they separated again, "and now let's go before someone caught us and tells Zaveid that you haven't been able to resist my charms"
This time Dezel couldn't help to chuckle while following the redhead out of the tent just to be about to bump into Lailah.
"Oh, sorry, I didn't know that you were still here", she asked with surprise.
"Wow, perfect timing, Lailah", Rose said with a wide smile while signaling a still rather embarrassed Dezel and her alternatively, "because The 'Windriders Matchmaker Operation' is on again so it would be great if we could count with your help"
Somewhat in the way Lailah smiled indicated that she knew what all that was about without needing to be told.
"Alright Dezel-san, Rose-san. I'm all ears"
And FINALLY Dezel has acknowledged his feelings ^^ So to the ones who are expecting that Dezel and Zaveid are finally together in the present don't worry: it will happen soon. Really soon :D
I hope you have enjoyed the chapter :) I'll try to update the next ASAP since I have a pretty good idea of how I want to write it, so probably in less than three weeks I'll be able to update.
As always, don't hesitate in telling me what you think (positive or negative :P) and thanks a lot tothe ones who comment and leave kudos. They really make my day ^^