I spent the next two days feeling like I was living someone else's life. They passed by in a blur of late-night group chat messages and laughter-filled lunch hours. Maria shared her packed lunches of carrot sticks and boxes of raisins with me (when she wasn't busy staring into Shadow's eyes), Knuckles and Silver pressed me for my Game of Thrones theories during breaktime on Wednesday. Rouge complimented the fuzzy sweater I wore on Thursday. I got used to the school, to the size and the students. I'd pinned down the teachers who'd smile at you and ask how you were and wouldn't press you for assignments like Ms Barony, and the ones who'd threaten you with a detention for coming into class a millisecond after the bell, like Mr Oak. I knew this because Sonic came in five minutes late on Thursday. It was our first period after lunch and he appeared in the doorway, slightly out of breath.
Sonic, Sonic was there too. I hadn't quite gotten used to him yet.
"Ah, Sonic. Good of you to join us." Mr Oak said stonily.
"Sorry sir. Won't happen again." Sonic replied politely, flashing his winning smile. Mr Oak remained unimpressed. He took a notepad from his desk and scribbled something on it.
"I'll make sure of that. Detention, tomorrow evening."
Though Sonic's smile didn't fade his jaw tightened. "Of course, sir. Sorry." he said through gritted teeth. Mr Oak, satiated, waved his hand dismissively. Sonic walked over to our desk, collapsing beside me. I breathed in the increasingly familiar fragrance of his citrus shower gel that masked that intangible boy scent. I realised that it was probably sweat and, ew gross, but that was pheromones for you.
(He just happened to be a single teenage boy who I spent time with and who I sat beside three hours every week okay I was a heterosexual teenage girl, these things just happen.)
(I mean, I assumed he was single.)
(No girlfriend had been mentioned anyway.)
(But whatever.)
(That was all there was to it.)
Not that it'd matter either way. He'd never be interested in you? Who would want you, you fat ugly bitch -
"Did I miss anything?" Sonic whispered, keeping his eyes glued to the front of the room.
"No." I replied. "He was still in the opening paragraph of his monologue."
"Stupid question. The man's basically a Disney villain." he said, pretending to take notes
I tried to stifle my laughter. I was still wary in Mr Oak's class, between his cold treatment of me last week followed with his explosion during Sticks' tin-foil-hatting. I wanted to fly as much under the radar as possible, lay low. It was difficult with Sonic around, rolling his eyes and making me giggle.
Still, there was something kind of thrilling about talking during class, some sense of mischief that made me feel like a kid. Not myself as a kid, ha ha no, but the quintessential everyday kid. I felt a little lighter. Unencumbered. Just as long as I didn't look at him too closely, it was all fine.
I'd have to work on it though. Move past my mild attraction and my discomfort around boys. It was easier with the others; Knuckles was seeing a couple of girls, Silver was head-over heels for Blaze, Tails was a little too young, and my impression of Shadow was almost entirely wrapped up in him being 'Maria's Boyfriend'. Sonic … was another story.
I just wanted to be friends, like really really wanted to be friends. That wasn't going to happen if I couldn't even look him in the eyes. I thought back to our encounter at the newsagents last week and had to stop myself from banging my head down on the table. Why was I so useless?
We didn't speak for the rest of the class. I doodled absentmindedly in the margin of my notebook, half-hoping that he'd see what I was doing and remark on them but he seemed to be listening to whatever it was that Mr Oak was saying. I knew that I should be paying more attention but my mind just wasn't where it should have been.
The bell rang, signalling the end of the class. Sticks jumped up from her seat and made a beeline for Mr Oak's desk, but he practically sprinted past her to get out the door. Sonic quickly stuffed his book into his bag. He smiled at me as he stood up, but then went over to talk to Geoffrey St John. They walked out of the classroom together without a backwards glance.
"Lunch!" Blaze said, appearing beside me. "Shall we go?"
"Uh, yeah." I nodded.
"What did you think of the lesson?" Blaze asked. Before I could answer she had launched into her own analysis of what had been discussed, her eyes shining. She barely I nodded and hummed in agreement wherever necessary, but didn't speak until we reached the lunch table, carrying our respective trays. Sonic was already there, talking to Maria.
"I'm thinking of going the public-domain route, you know? Not something from a TV show, I just can't think of a character I'd want to be, you know, and it has to be something that enough people understand but not too mainstream and there'll be so many people - "
We'd all gotten Facebook invites to Sally's Spook-tacular Soiree. According to the emoji-laden event description there'd be food and drink for everyone and costumes were heavily encouraged. Over three-hundred people were invited. I couldn't even name three-hundred people.
"How are they going to fit them all?" I asked. I mean yeah, most of the houses here were bigger than they were in the city but still.
"Sally's family are loaded. Their house is huge." Silver explained through a mouthful of chips. "They own hotels or something."
"That's right." I nodded.
Blaze blinked in surprise. "How did you know that?"
"Oh, um, my mum works in one." I explained. I braced myself for raised eyebrows or silent judgement, but Blaze simply nodded and sipped her water thoughtfully.
"Has anyone been to Sally's house before?" Maria asked. "Sonic?"
He looked up from his food. He'd been waiting at the table when I arrived, sitting in front of Maria and Shadow with Silver on one side of him. I could have sat on his other side, if I'd wanted to.
But I hadn't.
Wanted to.
"Yeah, a couple of times." he said. "It's huge, like practically a mansion. Seven bathrooms or something."
Knuckles let out a low whistle.
"Is everyone going to the party then?" Rouge asked.
Blaze shrugged. Tikal fidgeted with her sleeve. Cream bit her lip and looked at Cosmo. Cosmo turned her anxious blue eyes to Tails, who looked uncharacteristically nervous.
"There's a lot of people going …" he said slowly. "They've all been fine in school, completely respectful, however … I haven't been in a social situation like that since coming-out …"
He didn't need to explain any further. There was a moment's silence as we all stared at Tails, who looked so uncomfortable about the whole business. Something gave inside me. I was nervous, of course I was, but thinking about Tails' situation relieved me of some of my anxiety; I'd seen the statistics, read the horror stories about what could happen to people like Tails. It really put things in perspective, made me realise how stupid I was being. Selfish even.
"Hey," Sonic said, leaning across the table to talk to Tails. In doing so his arm inadvertently ended up against the tips of my fingers. Oh. I stiffened. Should I move? Would that look deliberate? Should I keep my hand where it was? Or would that be too extreme a response?
"Tails, we've got your back, whatever you want to do. Anyone comes near you and we'll deck them right Knuckles?"
"One hundred percent." Knuckles affirmed.
Rouge's eyes flickered towards him and then she smiled into her strawberry yogurt.
"But it's up to you." Sonic continued, fixing his gaze on Tails. "Whatever you want to do, whatever you feel safe or comfortable with, we'll support you. We were always close, but we're bros now."
"Always." Silver added.
"Thanks guys," Tails smiled. "I don't know , I mean everyone's been great. I guess that I'm just nervous. I haven't been living as myself for very long, you know? "
I wanted to hug him.
"Hey, it's Sally," Sonic said. "She won't let anything like that happen. Anyone puts a toe out of line, they'll be gone."
"Oh don't remind me." Maria shuddered. "She was on the dance committee with me in 8th grade. There was an incident with streamers. I don't think that she and Wave have spoken since."
Shadow snorted, reminding me of his presence. Huh. Guess I wasn't the invisible one for once.
"That sounds like Sally alright." Sonic laughed. He straightened back up, away from the tips of my fingers. I could taste the disappointment in my mouth. Jeeze, I really was touch-starved.
Pathetic.
"Anyway, the party should be good. I haven't gone out in ages, I can't wait."
Why not? I wanted to ask. Is it because you have training? Do you have a job? You like going out - do you like the social aspect or is it a chance to cut loose, do you drink, do you smoke? I wanted to know. But how did you go about asking all of these questions? How did you get to know someone? Social media had made the process somewhat easier - it was clear from their profiles that Maria liked ballet and vintage fashion, that Knuckles was a bit of a gym-rat, that Cosmo's mother was a florist and that she worked part time there. But it was so much harder in real life, when the people were there in front of you, and you felt cheap for knowing whatever it was you knew about them because you'd seen it on their Instagram profile, and not from actually having a real conversation and connection with them.
But how did you get to that stage? What did I know about Sonic, really?
He ran. A lot.
He was the youngest of three siblings.
He liked Aladdin, in some capacity anyway.
He was nice.
He smelled really really good.
"Me neither!" Maria said, clapping her hands together. "Amy, have you found out if you can come tomorrow?"
"Oh, um - "
"What's tomorrow?" Sonic asked.
"We're going to Knothole, doing some shopping." Maria explained. "Tikal wants to check out the charity shops, and then we're having a sleepover!"
"And I'm not invited?" Sonic cried, hand over his heart.
"Sorry," Maria said sweetly, her eyes gleaming. "Girls only. Face-masks. Manicures. Rom-coms."
"You just listed all of my favourite things." Sonic sighed. I tried not to laugh and forced a forkful of mac ' n ' cheese down my throat instead, almost choking myself in the process. Maria quickly handed me her bottle of water.
"You okay?" she asked, her blue eyes wide with concern.
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.
"Are you coming tomorrow? You hadn't mentioned it …"
I quickly shoved another mouthful of food down my throat - there was no point in trying to demonstrate any decorum anymore - buying myself a few seconds. I actually hadn't asked yet. I just … didn't really know how to have that whole conversation. Hanging out with people, going to a sleepover whatever. It hadn't happened before. I didn't even know if it would be possible for me to go, what mum's schedule was like. It had always been taken for granted that I'd be home to look after Abigail whenever mum was at work.
I made a vague sort of comment before asking Maria about her ballet class, and it was forgotten. We didn't have time to speak during Home Economics - Ms Barony had taken her freshmen to a cookery demonstration in Emerald Town and we had a crabby substitute who made us copy out pages of our textbook in silence.
I spent the short bus ride home mulling the situation over, feeling more and more nauseous. By the time I opened my front door, I was ready to collapse to the ground.
"Amy!" Abigail cried, tackling my legs. "Guess what?"
"What is it?" I asked, gently her off me. She looked up at me, showing off her gap-toothed smile in all its glory.
"I'm going to Rey's birthday party tomorrow!" she squealed.
"What? That's amazing!" I exclaimed, clapping my hands together. "Is Rey one of your new friends?"
"No, Jenny and Cocoa are my friends." she sighed, rolling her eyes at how hopeless I was. Keeping up with the social life of an extroverted six year old was no small task and it was one that I consistently failed to perform adequately.
"Are they going?"
"Everyone is! And you know what? Rey says she's gonna have a bouncy castle and a magician!"
"It's all very exciting, Amy, as you can imagine." Mum said, appearing from the kitchen.
Abigail, now bored, wandered into the kitchen and emerged seconds later with a cereal bar. She brought it into the living room with her. I could hear the theme song of Transformers: Rescue Bots blaring from the television.
"How was your day, darling?" Mum asked. I could feel her eyes on me as I shrugged my schoolbag off my shoulders and onto the floor, waiting eagerly for my answer. I'd had to tell her about the cafe trip on Tuesday so that I could get the money to pay Maria back. Her evident surprise had been embarrassing enough - yeah okay, I was a reclusive loser but even so, I didn't want my mother to think that - but the unadulterated delight in her eyes had been a million times worse. We hadn't seen each other much over the last few days, but I could tell that she'd been itching to know more about Maria, Blaze, and company.
"It was good …" I began, as my brain worked at a hundred miles an hour to try and find a way to bring the invitation up casually.
"How were the girls?" Ah. There you go. She didn't even try to be subtle about it, she was practically quivering with excitement.
"They're fine." I said. I took a deep breath - here goes nothing. "They um, they're hanging out in Knothole tomorrow … they asked me if I wanted to come. "
"They did?"
"They did," I couldn't bear to look at her. "But I thought that I might have to babysit Abigail since you're working so - "
"No! No, it's fine! Abigail will be at her party all afternoon, I'll be here in the morning so I can get her there, and
"They wanted me to sleepover as well." I added. I couldn't help but wince when I saw the light in her eyes.
"Oh that's … cool! Or wait, do you guys still say that?" she mused. "Awesome? Epic? Is that still a thing?"
"I guess?" This was excruciating.
"Okay so let me think, I'm covering for Jessica on Tuesday so she owes me, I'll see if she can take my shift tomorrow …" She trailed off, already tapping furiously away at her phone. It buzzed a few seconds later and her grin told me that Jessica had agreed to cover for her.
"That's worked out nicely!" she beamed. "And don't worry about Sunday, I'm at the cinema that morning, I can bring Abigail to one of the kid screenings, let me think what's on - Abigail! Do you want to see a movie on Sunday?"
"Yes!" came the muffled shout from the living room.
"But mum won't you be tired? You're working late tonight, you shouldn't have to mind Abigail tomorrow…" I asked. My voice wobbled slightly. What is wrong with you, Amy?
"Don't worry about me. I've tomorrow evening and Sunday evening off. I'll be fine." she said soothingly. She walked back into the kitchen. I heard her turn the kettle on. "Would you like a cup of tea, love?"
"No thanks."
"Coffee?"
"No mum, I'm fine thank you."
"Hot chocolate?"
"No."
"Toast?"
"No."
"Mug of sou- ?"
"I said I'm fine!" I shrieked. I heard the clatter of a spoon hitting the floor, a sharp intake of breath. "I'm sorry!" I cried helplessly. I ran into my bedroom, slammed the door behind me and threw myself onto my bed. I shut my eyes and buried my face into my duvet. I let out an angry, tearless sob. What was wrong with me? Images flashed in my brain - the excitement in my mother's eyes, the way that her face absolutely lit up, the sheer delight in her voice …
A strangled gasp escaped from my throat as I was filled with a twisted, unexpected surge of rage. What the fuck? I lifted my head up from the bed, tears threatening to spill from my eyes. I tried to swallow the bitter lump in my throat, my eyes thick.
My phone buzzed incessantly against my leg. I tried to ignore it, but the noise seemed to get louder and louder, like a swarm of locusts, engulfing me entirely. I dug it out of my pocket - notifications from the group chat, buzz buzz buzz. I stuffed it under my pillow. I didn't want to open them, memes, requests from Rouge to go and like her latest makeup post, and questions about tomorrow.
Tomorrow. Did I want to go?
I didn't want to do anything.
I didn't want to exist.
Wouldn't it be great if you could just … slip into a coma for a few months? Years even? Put everything on pause for a while?
I didn't want to think about it. I forced myself not to.
After what could have been seconds or minutes or even hours my door opened. I felt a sudden weight beside me, but I didn't move.
"I know … that you must be finding it hard. Moving here, to such a different environment, meeting new people. It can be a lot of pressure. Maybe I haven't helped, I haven't really been around." there was a pause. "But you cannot speak to me like that. We don't speak to each other like that, not in this family, okay? No way."
I stiffened as she stroked my head, exactly three times. I wanted to physically recoil at her touch - why why why? This was my mother. I clung to the fact; I'd already hurt her feelings enough for today, I didn't want to rebuke her a second time.
"I love you Amelia."
She didn't make an attempt to move. There was a pause that lasted a second too long, before -
"I love you too. I'm sorry."
She patted me gently on the back and then stood up from the bed. "Dinner's in an hour," she said to me. "I'm heading out to work again at 6.00. I won't be home until late. Enjoy tomorrow."
I didn't look up until I heard the door close behind her. I dragged my hand across my face and realised, too late, that I'd been wearing eyeliner today. Great.
That could have been enough to set me off, but I felt physically incapable of crying or really even caring. I had to decide what I was going to do.
My phone buzzed again. I leaned over and took it out from underneath my pillow, checking my messages. It was a new one, a private message.
Maria Robotnik:Hey Amy! *hugs* I was just wondering if you were coming tomorrow? Just didn't know if you knew how to get there, busses etc. Hope you can make it!
I stared at it for a few seconds. She sent in an animated GIF of a chao eating a slice of pizza. It almost made me smile.
Amy Rose: I'll be going!
Maria Robotnik: YAY! *is happy* okay so there's a bus stop just off main street, we're all meeting there around 10.00, cause we're gonna make a day of it. Can't wait!
Maria Robotnik: See you tomorrow then! *love heart emoji*
Amy Rose: See you
Amy Rose sent a GIF: chao holding a balloon.
(x x x)
Don't know if it's obvious or not to newtime readers but Mr Oak is Lucas/Dark Oak from Sonic X.
SO SORRY that this took so long, I feel so bad because of how long this is all taking me. In this chapter's case I had actually written the shopping trip etc inside this chapter and everything was explored in a lot less detail, I just decided that it was for the best to split it in two and expaaaaand. It gave me a lot of trouble, but hey!
Thank you all for reading! Tell me what you liked, disliked, what you want to see. Next chapter: Dress shopping! Girly bonding! New ships! Maybe some Sonamy? Who knows?
Love always,
Scarstar xxx