Fairly quick update, in my opinion. This chapter is not too long, but pretty full, and has a couple things I think you guys have been waiting for. Enjoy (:
I don't own Glee.
When Nick and Jeff were in seventh grade, they found a stray cat. It didn't have a name, or collar, for that matter. It had green eyes, and shaggy fur matted from being outside for who knows how long. Jeff had immediately fallen in love with it, sitting with it at the park for hours after they found it.
"Jeff, it's getting dark. We really should get back."
Jeff had looked at him like he'd just suggested they jump into a volcano. "What about Monkey?" He'd named it after the monkey bars they'd found it under, and Jeff insisted the cat looked like it liked it.
Nick had shrugged. "I dunno. It's used to being outside."
"That doesn't make it okay." Jeff muttered, petting the cat, even though Nick had warned him of the diseases it might carry.
He sighed, sitting down next to him, watching him pet Monkey and wondering why Jeff was so attached to it. It was just a cat. "What do you want to do with it?"
"Take him home." Jeff said softly.
"You can't bring that into your house."
Jeff was silent for a long time. Nick didn't often see him get emotional, but his lip was trembling now. "Who just lets their cat go like this? Is anyone even looking for him?"
Nick didn't know what to say. He never knew how to act around people when they were upset. "Maybe."
Jeff wiped his eyes quickly, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "I don't get how people just leave. I don't get how people- people don't care. It's so fucked up."
He knew Jeff was talking about more than the cat. It had been just under two years since Jeff's parents divorced, and he didn't talk about it. Until moments like these. "People care. They just- don't always have their priorities straight."
"Bullshit. If they cared, they'd make their priorities." Jeff shook his head, rubbing his eyes again.
Nick couldn't argue with that. "Well, it's almost nine. My parents will kill me if I'm home late."
Jeff nodded a little. "I'll see you tomorrow."
Nick got up, then hesitated. "Are you coming?"
"I'm gonna stay with the cat a little more." Jeff mumbled, looking to the cat, which was lounging on the grass, half strewn in Jeff's lap.
The way Jeff looked at the cat… Nick would never forget it. He'd only been twelve at the time. But he looked wise and sad, two things that often went hand-in-hand; he looked like he'd seen too much of grim reality for his age. Nick sat down again and ran his fingers over the cat's fur. He wasn't leaving Jeff. He cared. He had his priorities straight. Jeff did not say anything, just sat with him, eventually falling asleep. Nick did too, and when they woke, the cat was gone. Jeff never mentioned it again. But Nick still remembered the way his expression looked. Wistful. Guarded.
It was the face Nick saw in front of him now, as he stirred from his memories and was brought back to the present, where he and Jeff sat in Jeff's room, at opposite ends of his bed. The room was dead silent, as it had been since Nick had arrived. Jeff had texted back to meet him that night, and Nick went. But neither were ready to speak. So they were silent.
"So what did you tell Sebastian? You told him you'd see him tonight." Nick finally said.
Jeff shifted on the bed, thumbing the comforter. "I said I was too tired."
"And what did he say?" Nick asked softly, watching Jeff's reaction. He shrugged, still staring at the blankets.
"He said-" Jeff abruptly cut off, clenching his jaw. Nick knew him well enough to know he was trying not to cry. "He said it's fine."
Nick was surprised, and couldn't really hide it. "Are you sure? You seem upset."
Jeff's mouth was still set, but Nick didn't miss that tiny shake in his bottom lip. Just like when he'd found the cat. "He's cheating on me."
He stared at him. "How do you know?" It was a dumb question. He wouldn't doubt Sebastian would do something like that.
"I heard him on the phone. It's some guy from another school."
"How long have you known?" Nick shook his head slowly.
"A week, maybe."
"Jeff." He couldn't stop staring. "Are you serious? Why are you still with him?"
Jeff swiped his hand over his eyes. "You're judging me."
Nick softened, but he couldn't hide his expression. "I'm not-"
"Yes, you are. Nick Duval, so perfect, never makes mistakes." Jeff said bitterly, the tears falling now.
"Jeff, it's okay. It's not your fault, okay? He's a douche. I'll help you break up with him." Nick ignored Jeff's jab, knowing he was vulnerable.
Jeff shook his head. "I can't. I can't break up with him. He'll make it a huge problem, he'll ruin my life. It'll make drama in the Warblers."
"The Warblers all want you to leave him, too." Nick protested. "We see how he treats you. He's awful to you."
"No, he- he's not awful, he needs help." Jeff said weakly. "I don't do enough for him. This other guy- he gives him what he wants."
Nick took Jeff's shoulders. "Look at me." Jeff looked at him with a fragile expression, but there was strength underneath it. He was putting all his effort into not falling apart. "He's scum. You deserve better. Him cheating doesn't mean you weren't enough for him. It means he's- he's nothing. Why can't you see that? He's worthless."
Jeff was shaking his head slowly, not bothering to wipe his tears. "Why can't /you/ see that I'm the problem? It's not coincidence that people treat me like this. I don't deserve better. I need to /be/ better-"
"Stop!" Nick raised his voice, and Jeff flinched, Nick dropping his hands instantly, but powering through. "Listen to yourself! Your dad is a piece of shit, okay? So is Sebastian. And you didn't do anything wrong. You are generous and kind and full of light and intelligence and heart and I love all those things about you. You're so deserving of love. Stop saying you aren't." Nick was crying now, though Jeff had stopped, silent after Nick's outburst.
Nick couldn't stop the tears. How had it gotten to this point? How could someone with such a perfect soul be damaged so badly? It wasn't fair. "Nick." Jeff whispered, touching his shoulder. "Nick, I'm sorry."
"Don't say sorry." He breathed in, calming himself down. "I just want you to love yourself as much as I love you."
Jeff swallowed, leaning in and pressing a kiss to his cheek, just as he'd done that night by the car. "I love you."
Nick's eyes fluttered closed. "I want you to love /you/."
"You help me do that." Jeff murmured, close enough to him for Nick to feel his breath. He got chills.
"Good."
"Good." Jeff kissed his cheek again, this time lower, close to his mouth. Nick's heart was racing. His skin felt hot.
"You need to talk to Sebastian." Nick managed, wondering if he even spoke, as he was unable to hear it over his heartbeat in his ears.
Jeff pulled away slowly, nodding a little. "I know."
Nick went on autopilot then. He got up, away from him, though it was the hardest thing he'd ever done. He went to the door, and he opened it to leave. He said, "If you need me, you know where to find me." And then he left, closing the door behind him and leaning against it, catching his breath and putting his hand over his heart, an attempt to still it. He hadn't confessed his feelings. But he felt they were still out in the open now. That moment of weakness… he'd said it all then. And Jeff was especially good at listening, at knowing him. He had to wait now. He'd wait as long as he had to. It was terrifying. He'd wait eternity.
Warblers rehearsal came the next day, and neither Jeff nor Sebastian were there. Nick texted Jeff ten minutes into rehearsal.
To: Jeff 2:45 PM
You okay?
He waited for a response, until he had to actually go rehearse, though he kept the ringer on. Around 3:30, Sebastian slipped in, but still no Jeff. Practice ended at four, and Nick texted him again.
To: Jeff 4:03 PM
Missed you at practice. Are you alright?
From: Jeff 4:13 PM
just clearing my head. outside at the bleachers.
Jeff didn't answer if he was alright. And that was all Nick needed to head in that direction. He pulled on gloves on as he walked. It was getting steadily colder. It was early December, and it felt like it. It had yet to snow, however. He neared the bleachers, seeing Jeff towards the top, just as he'd been last time.
"Hi." Nick said, climbing up and sitting beside him. Jeff nodded acknowledgement, but didn't respond otherwise, rubbing his hands together in steady circles. Whether he hadn't brought gloves, or just didn't have them, Nick didn't know, but he held out his hands in case Jeff wanted to hold them. Just for warmth, no other reason, of course. "How are you doing?"
"I broke up with him." Jeff said, his words a puff of breath in the cold air. Nick didn't speak until the cloud evaporated.
"How did it go?"
Jeff laughed a little. A sad, pained laugh. "He was gonna break up with me soon, apparently. So no harm no foul, right?"
Nick shook his head. "One of these days, I'm gonna break his nose."
Jeff's laugh this time was a little more genuine. "Nicholas, that is no way for a dapper schoolboy to act."
Nick smiled a little. "Exceptions to every rule?"
"Guess so."
They never had to fill silences when they were together, so they studied the sky. "You'll be okay. You're tough."
Jeff smiled a little, looking down at his feet. "Hardened, more like."
"Me too." Nick said, and looked down when he felt Jeff take his hands.
"You're always warm."
"You're freezing."
Jeff rested his head on Nick's shoulder. "Opposites attract." That was definitely the truth. He rubbed warmth into Jeff's hands, letting his mind wander. Last time they were here, it had been dark. But now he could see everything. The way the trees were almost bare, and the grass was frosted, and Jeff's cheeks were ruddy. He thought of the kisses Jeff had left on his cheeks that weren't close enough to his mouth. He thought about how opposites really did attract, but the timing was never right. "You know what fucking sucks?"
Nick tilted his head, stilling his hands over Jeff's. "What?"
"How someone can break your heart even when they have no right to have it." Jeff muttered. And that did suck, Nick thought. He knew. Jeff had his heart in his hands and Nick just had to deal with it. He was forced to be vulnerable.
"Hearts mend." Nick traced his thumb over Jeff's palm.
"Not the same, though."
"Not the same." Nick agreed. Jeff moved closer to him.
"Sometimes I think about what life would be like if I hadn't met you." Jeff said, taking the liberty to put his hands in Nick's coat pockets.
Nick bit his lip. That was something he didn't want to consider. "I think I'd still be closeted." Jeff had always been his biggest support. His only support, really.
"I would have never stood up to my dad."
"I wouldn't have tried out for the Warblers." He didn't realize it was true until he said it. Jeff had always been telling him how good he was, how he'd be famous. His mother had told him to try out a sport instead. He would've listened, had it not been for Jeff.
"I would've stayed with Sebastian." Jeff stated the obvious, shaking his head slowly. "You keep me sane." It was the same thing Jeff had said last time they were on the bleachers.
"And you make me crazy." Nick replied, leaning into him and closing his eyes. He didn't really know if their relationship would progress to a next level. But right now, he was happy that Jeff was out of that toxic relationship, and realizing his worth. Right now, Nick was content.
The week continued. Sebastian seemed to be going out of his way to be around Jeff, touching him whenever he could and dropping little comments all the time. Nick's blood boiled. Jeff said nothing about it. Luckily, Sebastian's persistence didn't seem to be getting Jeff down. He actually seemed to be doing better than what he'd become these past few months, slowly morphing back into his old self. The Jeff that wasn't overly cautious or timid, that wasn't skittish or tethered to Sebastian's side.
By week's end, Jeff had a little pep in his step again, making jokes and pickup lines at rehearsal, no longer censored by Sebastian. But on Friday, Jeff went a step further, and surprised everyone. "Have you guys ever seen those YouTube videos where people get back at their exes?" He asked casually.
The Warblers were taking a break from rehearsal, lounging on the couches and floor. Sebastian was off somewhere doing something Nick didn't care about. "Oh, those are awesome." Thad grinned.
"Yeah, they're pretty cool." Jeff nodded, tilting his head. "Cool enough that I want to make one."
Nick tried not to smile too wide. "Yeah?"
"Yeah." Jeff bit his lip. "I just- I can't stop thinking about the whole thing. Cheating is… it's the fucking worst."
Most of the Warblers hadn't known the details of the breakup, and this raised eyebrows. "He cheated on you?" David said incredulously. "Fuck that." The rest of the team chimed in their agreement.
Jeff laughed a little, blushing. "I've got a plan. For those of you that want to participate. As some of you may know, I've got a taste for theatricality…"
And they went from there. They spent hours arranging a number, Jeff directing and choreographing with a renewed energy. They finished late into the night, but no one minded staying later. They'd all had a run-in with Sebastian at some point, and were given some cause to dislike him. This latest offense was enough to get everyone worked up.
Nick and Jeff walked back to the dorm together, Nick bumping his arm gently. "You seem happy."
"I am." He laughed softly. "Maybe that makes me petty. But- he completely humiliated me. He broke me down. I want him to get a tiny taste of that."
"That's not petty." Nick shook his head. "That asshole deserves way harsher than what you're doing."
Jeff smiled a little. "It feels nice to have control, you know? Not just let people walk over me."
Nick wanted to hug him tight. "I understand."
They reached Nick's dorm, where they had to part ways. "I'll see you tomorrow?" Jeff smiled, and Nick nodded. Their goodbyes were quick, Nick going into his room and smiling to himself. He couldn't wait to see the look on Sebastian's face.
At 7:30 PM the next day, the Warblers stood outside Breadstix. Jeff was wringing his hands, but not outwardly saying he was nervous. Nick could read him well enough to tell, and stayed by him. "You ready?"
Jeff nodded, cracking his knuckles. "I'm ready." Sebastian and the rest of the lacrosse team were inside, celebrating that night's win. Jeff had known they'd be here, and all the Warblers were quick to attend and support him. At first, the heads of council had been wary about doing something like this. But they agreed Sebastian deserved it. And with any luck, it would cause him to drop out of the group. So they stood outside the restaurant, waiting on Jeff's cue.
When Jeff entered, they followed, drawing attention instantly, as large groups of boys in uniform often did. They walked by the hostess stand, they weren't going to sit. Jeff pulled the microphone from his coat pocket, tapping on it. "Testing, testing."
The guests in the restaurant turned to look at him, confused. Nick spotted Sebastian, who also looked quizzical, and maybe a little… nervous. "How are we doing tonight?" Jeff asked. The people looked at eachother, laughing a little, a few responding. "I've come to perform a song for you guys." He nodded. "This one is dedicated to the man sitting there in the lacrosse jersey, number sixteen. Sebastian, wanna give the people a wave?"
Sebastian's face was red. He lifted his hand slightly, forcing a smile. Jeff looked over his shoulder, counting the Warblers in softly, and they started to sing the backup music. "This is a shoutout to my ex." Jeff sang the first line, not wasting time. The guests' faces went to surprise again, but looking at Sebastian now, whose expression was priceless.
Nick couldn't hide his smile as he sang the harmonies, Jeff continuing. "Heard he's in love with some other chick, yeah that hurt me I'll admit, but forget that boy, I'm over it."
Jeff made his way to their table, navigating his way through the crowded restaurant. If he'd wanted a crowd, there was no better time to do it. "I hope he's getting better sex, hope he's not faking it like I did, baby. Took three long months to call it quits. Forget that boy, I'm over it."
Jeff made steady eye contact with Sebastian, not faltering on a note. People around them began to video, even some of Sebastian's teammates. "Shout out to my ex, you're really quite the man. You made my heart break and that made me who I am, here's to my ex, hey look at me now. I'm all the way up, I swear you'll never bring me down." Jeff ruffled Sebastian's hair condescendingly, then stepped up onto the table to do the next verse, the Warblers filling in around the table. Nick couldn't help but flip Sebastian off when their eyes met, and Sebastian just set his jaw, looking like he was about to leave.
"'Cause now I'm living so legit, even though you broke my heart in two." Jeff sang, miming breaking a heart. "But I snapped right back I'm so brand new, boy read my lips, I'm over you."
There was a cheer from someone in the restaurant, others joining in as well, even though Jeff was still singing. He could see Jeff crack a smile. Nick was grateful Jeff could see others agreed- Jeff was not the problem. "Shout out to my ex, you're really quite the man, you made my heart break and that made me who I am." Jeff picked up Sebastian's soda to close out the song, raising it in the air. "Here's to my ex! Hey look at me now, I'm all the way up, I swear you'll never bring me down." He took a deep breath, looking to Sebastian again. He was still smiling, but Nick could see the hurt there. "I swear you'll never bring me down." He repeated the last line after the Warblers had ceased their harmonies, and the restaurant was silent as Jeff poured the drink over Sebastian's head, tossing the empty cup aside.
Sebastian stood up in shock, at the same moment the restaurant burst into applause, calling out their support for Jeff. Jeff didn't seem to be listening. "I loved you." He said simply, and left the restaurant, despite the applause for him. Nick was quick to follow, catching him just before he got into his car.
"That was amazing."
Jeff offered a weak smile, leaning against his car. "I don't feel that much better."
Nick shook his head, smiling a little. "You will. It'll keep getting better."
"Right." Jeff nodded, breathing out and tilting his head up to the sky. Nick studied him.
"Back in the restaurant… you said you loved him?" Nick said softly. Jeff laughed, sort of breathless and sad.
"Yeah. I don't know, though. I thought I did. But I don't think I know shit about love." Jeff smiled sadly.
Nick shook his head. "You do. You're so loving."
Jeff smiled a little. "Romantic love. I have no idea what that feels like."
"It feels like… well, it can feel like a lot of different things." Nick mumbled, leaning against the car as well, watching the hustle inside the restaurant. "Sometimes it feels like- this crazy need. Like your whole heart just needs that person to be there. You can't get them off your mind."
Jeff looked at him. "You've been in love?"
Nick smiled the same sad smile. "Way too deep in it." They regarded eachother for a minute, then Jeff looked away.
"Okay, sometimes it feels like passion. And sometimes it feels like…?"
"Home." Nick said, then laughed at his own cliché. "It's kind of indescribable. Safe. Welcoming. Familiar. You always want to return there no matter how far you go."
Jeff smiled a little, and Nick could feel him staring at him. "You've felt that?" Nick nodded, looking at him. "I think I've felt that too." Jeff said, quieter now.
Nick's heart trembled. "For Sebastian?"
"No." Jeff kept his gaze, turning slightly to face him more, his hand brushing Nick's. Nick's heart was in his throat, in his ears, anywhere but his chest. And then Jeff was leaning in, and Nick nearly forgot to close his eyes, because Jeff looked so beautiful like that. Trusting and open and on the verge of something totally new.
And then, finally, after a lifetime or more, they were kissing. And it was another cliché, but Nick felt fireworks. They kissed, and Nick's hand went to the back of Jeff's neck, just barely. He had never done this before, he realized he had no idea what to do. And he also realized that didn't even matter.
When they parted, Jeff kept close to him, their noses bumping together and making him laugh under his breath. "That's it." Jeff said.
"That's what?" Nick looked at him, trying to still his heart and not to smile too wide.
"That's what love is."
It was hard to kiss him with such a wide smile, but he managed, wrapping his arms around him now, feeling his body against his even through their layers and coats. This was all he's wanted for so long, even before he knew it. He felt full. This was right. He'd gotten it right.
Needless to say, Sebastian did not return to Warblers rehearsal. He was embarrassed, and rightfully so. All Nick knew was that Sebastian was lucky Jeff only doused him with Pepsi. Nick would've punched him in the nose.
Rehearsals were fun again. Nick was getting a lot of solos, and he couldn't get enough of them. He loved every second he was getting to perform. He didn't feel judged or competitive anymore with Sebastian gone.
"I'm starving. Can we go eat somewhere that's not Dalton's dining hall?" Jeff smiled, ducking out of rehearsal once it ended, pulling Nick by his blazer sleeve, Kurt and Blaine following.
"I could eat." Kurt shrugged, and Blaine agreed, so the four of them piled into Kurt's car.
"Christmas break starts in two days. Are you guys excited?" Jeff wiggled in his seat, having won the battle for shotgun and already fiddling with the radio stations.
Blaine smiled widely. "I'm so excited. I just wish it would snow." Nick looked out the window. Christmas was in four days, and no snow had fallen yet. It was just bitterly cold.
"No, snow is hard to drive in, and all my best outfits get covered up by coats and hats." Kurt said, Blaine laughing.
"Just work your coats and hats into your fabulous outfits."
Kurt smiled, in that way that only Blaine could cause. "And that's why we are dating, Anderson. I like the way you think." Blaine leaned forward to kiss his cheek as he drove, Jeff chastising him for distracting their driver.
It was hard to believe the couple had only been dating a few months, they somehow acted like an old married couple, while still in the honeymoon phase. Nick longed for that. He looked at the back of Jeff's seat. They'd kissed a few days ago, but after parting ways that night, hadn't mentioned it. But Jeff had gone back to his flirty jokes, to keeping him close and making him blush. Nick only wondered if Jeff wanted to kiss him again. "Am I the only one that thinks Christmas break sucks?" Nick asked.
Kurt glanced at him in the rearview mirror. "Probably. But with good reason." Nick traced his name on the frosted glass window. He didn't want to be home for two weeks. That seemed like a nightmare. He liked living at Dalton.
"You can come stay with me as many nights as you want." Jeff nodded, though Nick already knew that. Amy always made sure he felt welcome.
"I just- I think I'm gonna come out to them. So." It had been an idea he'd been revisiting for a long time, but always pushing out before he could think too much about it. But he felt like the timing was right. Well, no. He would never feel that the timing was right. But he wanted to get it out. He needed that weight off. And after that kiss… who knows where things would go? He wanted to be out.
Blaine bumped his shoulder gently. "Good for you. That's awesome." He nodded. It didn't feel awesome. It felt hugely intimidating and depressing, because he knew what the response would be.
"It can be as casual or as formal as you want. I just told my mom while we were making dinner." Jeff added. "And she just said she knew, and that she loved me."
"My parents aren't like Amy." Nick said, and Jeff agreed grimly.
"My parents are like yours." Blaine shrugged. "I'll be honest, their reaction will probably suck. My parents did. But that's who you are. And they can't change you. So they have to accept you. And if they're good parents, somewhere deep, deep down, they will." Nick could tell Blaine had given himself that speech before. He knew that Blaine understood his situation best, and he nodded gratefully.
"My dad was more like Jeff's mom. He said he'd known, and that he loved me. No matter what." Kurt said. Blaine squeezed his shoulder. They reached the restaurant, exiting the car.
Nick pulled his hat low over his ears. "I have a feeling my parents' love isn't so unconditional."
The group walked in, but Jeff stopped Nick outside, letting Kurt and Blaine enter ahead. "I love you unconditionally, okay? No matter what. If they react badly, you know my house is open for you." Jeff did that intense eye contact he did so well, and Nick hugged him in response.
"I love you no matter what, too." He didn't bring up the kiss. Now wasn't the time to have that conversation.
They parted, entering the restaurant, and he thought for the thousandth time how lucky he was he had Jeff. Jeff's hand found his, and Nick let him hold it. He always felt better when he had contact with him. Things would be okay. And if not, Jeff would be there. He'd always be there.
Once he'd said it out loud, the idea of coming out to his family would not leave his head. The thought had always been there, but now it was all-consuming, just like when he'd first realized he was gay. Coming out to yourself was just as hard as coming out to someone else. Again, Nick found himself in front of his mirror in his home bedroom, staring at his reflection. "I'm gay." He could say it clearly now. He didn't cry afterwards, like the first time he'd admitted it to himself. He nodded a little, wiping sweaty palms on his pants and meeting his own gaze again. "Mom, Dad, Michael- I'm gay."
He winced. He couldn't picture himself telling them. The words felt foreign in his mouth. They wouldn't like it. What if his parents stopped paying for him to go to Dalton? What if they made him stop hanging out with Jeff? What if they didn't let him live at home at all?
"Nicholas, come down for dinner!" His mother called, breaking him from his miniature panic attack.
"Coming!" He stood and made his way downstairs, shaking out his hands and taking deep breaths. They'd attended church earlier, as it was Christmas Eve, and for the first time in a long time, all four of them were sitting down for a meal.
"Smells delicious." Michael smiled, taking a seat at the table. He was still dressed up from the service, hair neat and tie tight. Nick had taken off his tie once they'd gotten home, a habit he'd picked up from Jeff.
His mother smiled. "It's one of the few dishes I can make well." She placed down a dish of lasagna on the dining table. She didn't cook often.
For a few minutes, they were a normal family. Michael asked Nick about Dalton, and they discussed trivial things like how unusual it was that it hadn't snowed yet, and the quality of the sermon that had been given that night. Nick stayed quiet, watching his family interact.
His brother was the golden child. Always had perfect grades, three-season athlete but valedictorian, involved in politics and business and other professions that required a winning smile and a button-up shirt and blazer. Nick didn't hate him, not really. He just hated that there was this rooted competition between them. And that Michael was always winning.
His gaze slid to his mother, who was laughing at something Michael was saying. It was a polite sort of laugh, even though it was unnecessary to hold anything back when they were just with family. But that's just how she was. She'd never let her guard down. Nick had never seen her without makeup, he realized as he looked on.
He glanced to his father as well, regarding him carefully. He was the one Nick was most worried about telling. He was a man of tradition. He didn't take well to anyone different, and he worked hard to keep up a family "image". Nick would be the black sheep. He'd always felt like it, but now it would be obvious. Nick stared, trying to remember the last time they'd hugged, or said they loved eachother. He couldn't remember a single instance. He hardly knew the people sitting around him.
"Nick?"
Nick dropped his fork, surprised at being addressed. "Yes?" He realized it had been Michael that spoke, and turned his attention to him.
"I asked you if it's tough going to an all-boys school." Michael shook his head. "When I went there, I definitely missed having girls around."
Nick shrugged, though he knew his mother hated the gesture. She thought it was rude. "I haven't thought about that much." He hadn't. He'd been caught up in thinking about boys. About Jeff.
Michael laughed. "Sure."
"It's good, he should be focusing on his studies, not girls." His father nodded. "How are the grades looking, son?"
"They're good." Nick said, his father raising an eyebrow. "Really good. 4.0."
"That's what I like to hear." His father finally smiled. "My sons work hard. We don't slack off, do we?"
Michael and Nick shook their heads, Nick looking down at his plate again, pushing his lasagna around with his fork. He wanted to call Jeff and get coached on how to talk to his family. But he knew he had to navigate this himself now. "Hey, can I talk to you guys about something?" Right after he said the words, his stomach flipped. No turning back now.
"Yes?" His mother tilted her head, just slightly. Michael and his father looked at him.
"You're not in trouble at school, are you? That is a very nice school, Nick, we pay a lot for you to attend." His father said firmly.
Nick shook his head. "No, no. Nothing like that." He swallowed, putting his fork down. "Uhm- okay." He realized he had no buildup to this. Could he just blurt it out? Provide some backstory?
"Do you not like it there?" His mother pushed. "I thought you loved it. There's so many opportunities for you there, and it will help you follow in Michael's footsteps-"
"This isn't about Dalton." Nick interrupted, clearing his throat. "I- I've been trying to figure out a way to tell you all." He couldn't look at them. He had to. He slowly brought his gaze up to meet theirs. "I'm… gay." He hadn't meant to hesitate, but the words got stuck in his throat. And then it was dead silent. The kind. It physically hurt. His father's expression was stoic, his mother's unreadable, his brother's surprised. "I've known for a few years now. I wanted to tell you all earlier but it's been- really hard to cope with. I didn't know how to bring it up. I didn't know what… you might think." He trailed off, seeing as his parents still had yet to offer any words. And then his father spoke.
"You're not gay."
Nick blinked. "I am." He whispered. Suddenly his voice couldn't go louder than that.
His father wiped his mouth on his napkin, looking away and putting his utensils down. "You're not." Nick stayed quiet, listening to the sound of his heartbeat hammering. There was no one he could turn to for backup. "Frankly, I don't know who planted that idea in your head. But I suggest you move past it. I didn't work this hard, and raise you into the man I wanted you to be, for you to come out with something like this." His father stood, taking his plate to the sink. His mother and Michael did the same, both averting their gazes from him. "Please don't say anything like that at the family holiday party tomorrow. Let's not make a scene."
His father went upstairs without another word. His mother followed without saying anything, without so much as even looking at him. And Michael hesitated, but then retired to his room as well, with nothing but a nod that Nick didn't know how to interpret. He stared at the tablecloth until the pattern went blurry, and his tears stained the fabric. He didn't have the energy to really cry. He just didn't bother to wipe his eyes, slumping in his chair, looking at the wall for what must have been hours, his mind going in slow circles, revisiting what had just happened over and over.
He'd disappointed them. In their eyes, he was doing this out of spite, or rebellion, or confusion. It wasn't worth his words to explain that he'd always been this way. They wouldn't understand. Eventually, his back started to hurt, and his eyes felt raw and dry. He glanced to the clock. 3:43 AM.
Merry Christmas.
Not gonna lie, writing Nick coming out made me cry. Hate to end the chapter with our Nick so upset, but I promise, there are good things on the way. And a certain kiss needs to be discussed.
I mentioned "Shout Out to My Ex" by Little Mix in this chapter.
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