Punishment being born

She was on an errand with Kenshin for the Okami to bring rice back to the inn. On their way back, they met Izuka who greeted them with his usual grin. "Yo! Himura kun! Tomoe san!"

Tomoe nodded, securely the wrapped pickles on her hands once more.

Kenshin asked, "Is there anything I can do?" frowning at the thought of handed a black envelope in a public place.

"You have to relax for once. I am only going on my rounds," Iizuka replied, while he followed them to along the streets. Iizuka talked about Kamo's case and how the Shishi are too busy with other matters to take care of it. "That's the way it is in Kyoto now."

Turning a corner, they passed by the pharmacy and Keshin stopped and handed the rice bag to Iizuka, "Lend me a hand." Iizuka took over the rice bag reluctantly while Kenshin went in the pharmacy to get the supplies Ookami requested. Tomoe stood behind Iizuka and waited.

When Izuka was sure Kenshin was out of hearing range, he gave her a side look before keeping a straight face, "What do you think of Himura?"

Tomoe regarded him distantly and decided to keep her thought to herself. She did not trust this man.

"He is the reason I am here," she answered.

Iizuka gave a sound like a snort, then he spoke, "Himura is still young, he may not understand certain things is life yet, but he is still a man."

What is he trying to say? Tomoe thought and frowned.

Seeing her reaction, Iizuka decided to change the subject. "Woman," this time his tone was cold and caught Tomoe's full attention, keeping his voice low he continued, "You are really daring to slay our men. You are lucky this time you did not ruin our plan."

So Kamo was one of them. The thought of the man disgusted her and Tomoe stared back at Iizuka and replied coldly, "So?"

Izuka twisted his lips, "Don't try to make any more surprises. The Bakufu will gladly get rid of you sooner than you think."

"I noticed," Tomoe said, her tone uncaring.

The noise of the market place and children playing around easily masked their voices. After a short while, Iizuka spotted Kenshin coming out of the pharmacy and he turned his head back. A grin appeared on his face as if nothing happened before he spoke in a low voice, "Don't forget your role, you're being watched." Then he took a big step forward to greet Kenshin in a loud voice, "My, this sure is heavy." He handed the rice bag back to Kenshin, then lifting a hand to ruffle Kenshin's hair before walking away, "See you back at the inn then."

Annoying man. Kenshin thought. He would have avoid his hair being messed if not for the rice bag and the medicine. He turned to Tomoe and said, "Thank you for waiting. Let's go back."

"Yes," Tomoe replied instantly and followed him three steps behind. She glanced at Kenshin's back, he was still a petite young boy.

Boy. Not a full grown man yet.

However, Tomoe knew that hidden beneath the appearance, he has the strength of a grown man. The way he held the rice bag and the medical supplies, it seemed so easy for him. He was the one who carried her back to the inn and the same person whom she witnessed killing the ninja.

No, he is not a child, just not a full grown man.

Suddenly the realization made her heart chilled.

He was a man. And she a woman.

Be Battousai's woman and find his weakness.

That was her role, her punishment.

…..

She thought it was a punishment being born a girl.

She used to argue with her father when she was young on the unfairness that she could not go to school or wield a katana. But she had to stay at home and learn to sew, to do housework. If she was born a boy, she could become a warrior or a scholar and take over her father's work, helped the family in more ways than ever without having to listen their aunt's ranting. And maybe she would not have been tainted so much and know the true meaning of hatred at a young age.

She thought it was a punishment to born a female.

One day, her aunt and the neightbours were gossiping at the living room.

"Sakuchi chan is going to marry Mori sama," one said.

"You can't be serious?! He can easily be her grandfather," another exclaimed.

"I heard she was already his woman."

"That makes her the fourth. Poor child," another spoke with feign sympathy.

"Well, at least Mori sama paid handsomely to her parents," another woman spoke in a low tone.

"That reminds me, how's your niece? She is a pretty little thing, isn't she?"

"Oh, you are too kind with your compliments," Tomoe could hear her aunt's high pitched voice. "Never would I thought she would grow up to be one."

"What are you saying? She is definitely a fine lady. Why not introduce her to the daimyo, she would make a good lady-in-waiting."

"Maybe even the daimyo would keep her as his concubine," another suggested.

Then as the living room was filled with cruel laughter, Tomoe stopped listening to their conversation and returned to her room.

She thought it was a punishment to be born pretty.

Ishida was the elder son of a high ranking samurai serving the shogun and at a young age of twenty two he was appointed to serve the shogun directly. He attended the same school as the low-ranking samurais on swordsmanship and Tomoe met him a few times when her father worked for his father on a project. When Tomoe turned twelve, she started helping out in the Ishida household as a maid to earn some pocket money. She rarely saw the people in the household, only the head-maid and servants who worked with her.

It happened when she was fourteen. She was cleaning the study room when the shoji opened unexpectedly. It was Ishida, who had just started working under the shojun that year. He had grown to be a well built and good looking young samurai.

Tomoe immediately stopped her work and greeted him, "Greetings to you, Ishida sama."

"Yukishiro Tomoe?" the familiar yet foreign voice spoke.

Tomoe answered, "Yes."

"Aa, I remember when I first saw you. A young girl of strength and beauty," Ishida said. "And now you have blossomed into a beautiful flower."

Tomoe was taken aback by Ishida's words and when he closed the distance, she became alarmed.

"Ishida sama, if you would excuse me, I would take my leave now," Tomoe said.

"I do not want you to leave yet, Tomoe chan," Ishida said with a low tone and he placed his hand under her chin.

Tomoe disliked the way the man called her name with such familiarity. She stared into his eyes in shock when she felt a foreign pressure on her thighs. He had placed his hand on them.

…No…

She did not know what Ishida was trying to do but she was frightened by his actions.

When his hand began to slide up to her kimono, Tomoe instantly lift her hands to push him away. However, Ishida was fast and caught her hand and pushed her to the tatami floor mat. Tomoe did not understand what he was going to do but he was evading her private space and she struggled to break free.

Fortunately, a voice interrupted whatever Ishida was going to do.

"Ishida dono," a deep voice called from the other side of the shoji door and Ishida loosened his grip on Tomoe's hand.

"What is it?" Ishida said. He knew the voice was from his bodyguard.

"The shogun wished to meet you," his bodyguard said.

Ishida gave a displeased look before he stood up and straightened the crease on his kimono. Then he turned to Tomoe who had got up immediately and stood at a corner of the room, furthest away from him, he smirked, "It seemed we have to continue this next time." At that he exited the study room as if nothing had happened.

It was only when she had her period two months later that she knew she had been harassed, in which her shy father tried to explain to her how she should protect herself that she was now a woman. It was an awkward conversation. But Tomoe never mentioned about the incident to her father.

….

She thought her life was a punishment.

The man she loved was dead.

It was not surprising that Fumiko became the wife of the council of the Shogun. One day, Tomoe was called upon to help her choose and make a kimono for the shogun's wife birthday anniversary which would only be attended by the privilege. She thought it was odd for Fumiko to appoint her to do the job since there are many others samurai ladies who could do the job. However, the monetary return was good and Tomoe agreed in order to lessen the burden of the family. And she needed to keep herself busy to get over her grief for her betrothed.

Tomoe arrived at the mansion early and waited for Fumiko's arrival. When she heard the shoji door slide open, Tomoe greeted with her head bow, almost touching the tatami mat. "Good afternoon, Fumiko sama."

Fumiko did not reply immediately and Tomoe suddenly become aware of the silence in the room when the shoji door shut close.

"Well, it seems my wife is busy with other things," a man voice said.

Tomoe knew the voice. "Ishida dono," she greeted, hiding her emotions well.

"I like to see your face, life up your head," Ishida said as he took a seat.

Tomoe complied and sat up with her back straightened.

"You've grown more beautiful the last time I've seen you," Ishida said.

Tomoe stiffened at his comment and she clenched her fist. She quit her job at Ishida's household soon after the incident three years ago. And in the short time, Ishida became the council of the Shogun.

"I heard about your loss," Ishida continued, "Kiyosato Akira is a loyal man, albeit being inexperienced. He came to me for a position or a job offer so as to prove his worth or to achieve something. So eager and keen that he immediately accepted the offer to go to Kyoto. Such a fool."

"You-" Tomoe was astounded by his words.

"Cheer up, sweet one. Now there is no one between us," Ishida said as he shifted his position closer to her. He had sent his bodyguards away this time. If not for that bodyguard, he would have tasted her three years earlier.

Instantly, Tomoe shifted her knees backwards, and she narrowed her eyes and said coldly, "Leave me alone."

Ishida smirked, "You are really feisty, little one. Don't you remember how I let your brother go?" His tone hinted with an exchange of repayment.

A week before Kiyosato was sent away, Enishi had a fight with Ishida's son.

"Enishi did no wrong, if your son cannot protect himself, then you should find him a better Kendo tutor," Tomoe spat, she would have acted respectively to the council in front of others but this man was despicable.

Her anger and words did not cease Ishida from approaching and soon she found her shoulders being grabbed by unwelcome hands.

"Let go!" she cried, knowing Ishida's intention. She was not the innocent girl anymore.

In the midst of her struggling, she slashed her hairpin at his arm, which left a trail of blood and Ishida retracted his hand.

"Wench!" Ishida scowled and slapped Tomoe's face so hard that she fell onto the tatami floor on her side. "You will pay for this!" he unsheathed his katana, turned her around and pushed her forcefully such that her back lie on the floor. Pressing the katana at her neck, he stared at her in pure anger. Tomoe closed her eyes as her lungs screamed for air. She was going to be killed. There was nothing she could do and no one to save her.

It seemed a long time have passed before she was able to breath normally and she became aware of the warm droplet of sticky blood that flowed down the side of her cheek. She opened her eyes to meet the eyes of Ishida, which was glinting with a strange light.

"You are truly beautiful. It would be such a waste to let you die," Ishida spoke in a hushed tone.

Her eyes widened in shock, then she felt it. His strong hands gripping onto her obi, untying it. She tried to move away but Ishida trapped her with his muscular and strong arms. He was known for his skills in kenjutsu. She felt warm breaths and the man's tongue licking the side of her neck. She was disgusted and helpless.

In the midst of her struggling, she felt the tanto, the one she received from Kiyosato's family, pressing on her back. It was freed when Ishida loosened her obi. She may not be trained in the art of Kendo but she knew the anatomy of the human body well. Her calmness nature and quick mind has always worked well for her to protect herself till then. She ceased her struggle reluctantly and turned her head to the side, letting him gain full access to her neck. That seemed to delight Ishida as he became bolder.

Gingerly her right hand reached out to her back and grabbed hold of the tanto, sliding it out of the sheath while her left hand slide down Ishida's back gently, and feeling for the pressure point on the waist area.

Meanwhile, Ishida grinned when he felt the gentle touch of her hand on his back and her relax body. It was a right decision not to kill her for hurting his arm, he thought. She was opening to him as her left hand cuddled him and pressed her soft body closer to him. He moaned at the sensation. Without warning, he felt a sharp intrusion on the left side of his waist. At first, there was numbness and he could not feel anything, only the soft body pressing against him. Shortly, he felt something warm and wet staining his kimono. Sensing something amiss, he touched his waist and felt something hard sticking out of his waist. When he lifted his left hand back, he was aghast by the sight of blood pooling down his left palm.

Tomoe eyed him blankly as he looked at her with widened eyes. Without losing a second, she pushed him off to the side with renewed strength and grabbed the long katana from his waist, unsheathing it.

"Curse you," Ishida groaned in pain and his face turned into an ugly grimace as he fought to stop the pain. He tried to stand up and his right hand grabbed the sheath of his other katana, ready to unsheathe it.

She eyed the tanto on Ishida's waist, glaring red blood were streaming from the wound.

Crimson. The color that stained the Kyoto streets.

…She was back to days ago when she rushed to Kyoto to look for Kiyosato upon receiving the news that the general he was assigned to guard was attacked.

On the cold stone pathway, Kiyosato laid face down lifelessly.

Dark crimson blood splattering on the walls and stone pathway.

The crimson red blinded her.

Revenge, revenge for Kiyosato Akira.

She could not die. Not yet.

Fearlessly, she moved and before Ishida could unsheathe the other katana, she plunged the katana through his neck and twisted it to make sure he was immediately out of pain. Blood splashed across the room and onto her kimono. But she did not flinch. She watched as life seeped away from Ishida's eyes and he was gone.

The stillness was broken soon by Fumiko's voice.

"Anata?" Fumiko called from the other side of the shoji door.

That woman. She was right outside of the room, right there listening to everything.

Tomoe felt betrayed. All her anger, all the unfairness she faced, all her hatred for the world engulfed her. Tomoe did not know what possessed herself, but the moment she saw Fumiko slide open the shoji and before Fumiko could do anything, Tomoe lunged at her. And the next moment, Tomoe found herself kneeling beside Fumiko's lifeless body whose eyes widened in horror and shock. She looked even uglier and the stench of the dead was overpowering.

Tomoe's lip thinned as she stilled and stared at the two lifeless bodies.

What has she done?

….

She felt it was a punishment to know something more than she wanted.

She was contented to have ended Ishida's life and revenged against Kiyosato.

However, the Shogun told her information about the assassinator and gave her a job to get close to the assassinator and find his weakness.

He was nothing like what she imagined would be. And he stirred an emotion in her which she would rather not have: To feel empathy for one's enemy.

That Himura is the one who bears the blood of the slain Shogunate leaders, so that the leaders of the Ishin Shishi could keep their hands clean as they struggle to construct a new era from the ashes of the old.

That Himura was given the cruellest job of all.

His tiredness while he was awake, his uneasiness while he was sleeping.

And his horrified eyes and gasps when he realized it was her whom he almost slain.

His desperate apology, his trembling and heavy breathing which trailed off with a choking sound that is almost a sob.

"You need to leave this place," his ragged breathing, "If you don't, then someday, I might really..."

You didn't know, did you, Himura?

How could she leave this place, how could she leave his side?

He was just a lost soul. He wanted to help build a new world and he thought he knew what he was getting into when he agreed to be Battousai, to kill for the Ishin Shishi.

And now he was drowning in madness before her eyes.

Be a shield for Himura.

Ha! She wanted to laugh.

The Ishin Shishi were aware they were ruining a young man's life and they were pushing her to him. She, who desired the death of the Battousai the most. She who was nothing but a tool of the Shogunate. She who had found his weakness and witnessed them. And she who understood him well for he too had gone too far to turn back.

"Let me stay by your side," she whispered, forgiving his previous action. "You need a shield to hold back the madness."

He was broken, so was she.

Tomoe thought then, it was a punishment to be born with a kind heart.