When the cat finally dignified the room with her presence, she was the only pleasant thing to be found inside. The balcony doors were locked but Momo's feline shadow squeezed beneath the frame like it had been left wide open. With a whiff of sulfur, the kid bounded back into the third dimension, smacking her lips and looking pleased as punch over her successful nylon evisceration.

Then her almond eyes fell upon the wreck of her master.

"Wh-what happened?" The cat-girl glanced around the room – shattered glass, kicked beanbag chairs and a hive of scorubs rummaging around the carpeted floor, inspecting their new lodgings. A head of tangled black and blue hair lifted from a deep stupor.

"Oh… You're back... Yay?"

Audrey had pulled a long black T-shirt over her naked body but that was all the effort she'd made to look presentable. She was slumped beneath her aquarium tanks in a sad attempt to soak up the faint warmth of the underwater lights. An ashtray crammed full of butts was plopped within one hand's reach; the other caressed the glassy neck of her good friend, Dr. McGillicuddy.

"Master, the bad bugs are everywhere!"

"Yeah… they're not so bad… after a while." Kinda nice to know that so many would surround you even after you looked and felt like utter shit. The cat insisted on being a killjoy, though – hissing and shooing the Sky Garden beetles to the door and chomping on the stragglers.

"Master, Momo thought you were having a play-date with your friend! Where'd she go?"

"Oh … Celeste?" Audrey sucked on her cigarette until the ash end burned with hellfire. "Who cares," she finally exhaled. The energy for even a token 'fuck you' escaped her.

"Did something happen, Master? When Misses Celeste called, you were super happy!"

"Me and happy are having a trial separation, cat. Just … go away."

"Mrrow…" Momo seemed to grow sad just looking at her. The cat-girl padded close and rubbed her cheek across Audrey's knee, a pathetic attempt at spreading cheer. Audrey turned away until Momo sighed and retreated. It's useless, cat. Nothing was going to get her out of this funk, not even -

"Hey! Cat, those are my CDs! Don't fucking touch them!"

Momo darted back from the thick leather binder Audrey had tossed on the carpet. Shiny, reflective discs stocked the plastic sleeves inside. "See-dees?" Momo chirped.

"It's all the old music I haven't ripped onto my hard drive." Since Celeste's departure, her stereo had been looping the original cast recording of I Dreamed a Dream. All her classics were in that case! Phantom of the Opera, Rent, Les Mis. "Scratch those and you're dead."

"Ohh, CDs! Don't worry, Momo knows just t'look! Momo used to get inta super big trouble with Misato whenever she played with her music. Momo would get her paws stuck in the ribbons and they'd all come apart!"

Ribbons? What did ribbons have to do with - "Wait, you mean tapes? As in cassette tapes? You used to unravel Misato's cassette tapes?"

"Mmh!"

Audrey sat up and looked the cat dead on.

"Momo, how old are you?"

The cat-girl's tail froze in mid-swish.

"Momo's a kitty!"

"I fucking know that. I'm talking age. As in years."

"Mrrow? Momo doesn't get it…"

Audrey smacked her own head in frustration. "They stopped making cassettes in the -"

"Momo doesn't like these questions, Master!"

The kid's hands clamped tight over her skull, burying her ears as her chest hyperventilated.

Audrey scooted back. Holy crap, what was that? Half freaked that she'd be slashed by jittery kitten claws, Audrey kept to her wall and gave the kid space to calm down.

"It hurts," Momo admitted once her breathing had settled. "It makes Momo's heart go owwie when she thinks about the alone time after Misato."

"Alone?" Audrey pressed. "Look, not to beat a dead horse or anything but ... after Misato … y'know, went away, didn't you find anyone else?"

"Sometimes Momo found places to stay, but the people she lived with always thought she was just a regular, dumb cat. They'd feed her cat mush and make her use the sandy box for number two in front of everybody! Some of them even walked Momo. On a leash, Master! And if Momo didn't do what they said, they'd pull on her neck!"

Audrey touched her own neck in a sympathy pain.

"Misato let Momo sleep in her bed. She taught Momo how'ta read story books an' how'ta sing. She saw Momo, talked t'Momo. She said Momo was her special little girl an' -"

The kid started sniffling there, so Audrey tilted her head up at her fish to offer some privacy. Shit… I thought this Misato kicked it last year or something. Aging clearly worked differently for fairy world creatures. She's been on her own for … well, just doing a rough count made Audrey's head wince.

"Aren't you pissed, cat? I mean, don't you wanna go slash and burn all the shits who treated you so bad?"

"Sometimes Momo gets angry or sad," the cat-girl sniffled, "but Misato told Momo she hasta be brave and always do her best! She'd find a new master someday!"

Well damn… And here she was, Audrey Belrose, wallowing in her own shit because the blue bitch had friend-zoned not her twenty minutes ago.

Audrey noticed a final scorub skittering beside her smoking hand. She stabbed her cigarette into its back, mashing down on the wriggling parasite until it lay still and dead. Sharp, red eyes fell on the sniffling kitten.

"Hey, cat? Get on the bed."

"Mrrow?"

"Get," Audrey ordered, marching for her vanity. "Keep up the sob fest and those bugs'll be back for an encore. You're getting your hair combed!"

Soon Momo was 'nyaa'-ing pleasantly and melting into her lap while Audrey did her best to unknot the kid's chocolatey hair. For her troubles, a happily-swishing tail continually bopped at her nose.

"Not making this easy, cat," she sighed. "Hey, after this you wanna watch some TV?"

Velvety ears sprang to attention. "Can Momo choose?"

Hoo boy…

Her laptop screen was touch-enabled so even Momo could bat at the monitor and scroll through Netflix's blocky library pictures. "Here, Master! These movies will help you learn about your powers! They're teachin' videos about friendship 'n magic!"

Audrey squinted at the title. "My Little …? Oh god, this is one of Nikki's furry shows, isn't it?" She was ready to shut the case and stop everything but the damn cat looked at her so pathetically! "Ugh, fine. But only one episode."

"Yay!"

The cat neglected to mention that it opened with a two-parter.

Audrey imagined she'd roll a joint and get high while she pretended to watch Momo's cartoon for babies.

She never imagined she'd start crouching close to the screen, rapt with attention.

"Wait, she drop-kicked her sister to the moon? Holy shit, what a bitch!"

"But the moon princess was being mean, Master!"

"Yeah, about that. What's this bullshit about raising the sun and moon every day?" She may have scraped by with a 'D' in high school science but even she knew the planets moved around the sun, not the other way around. "How can she friggin' lift the sun any- Holy shit! Cat, this princess chick is totally scamming these dumb ponies!"

"Do you wanna keep watching, Master?"

No, but the promise of cutesy-poo animals gathering torches and pitchforks against the monarchy was tempting…

"One more, and that's it."

Five episodes went by.

"So, this eagle chick –"

"Gryphon, Master."

"Whatever. Is she gay for the blue horse?"

"Nyaa? Master, they're just friends."

"Cat, she tossed a frickin' helicopter out of the sky. Nobody gets that clingy over a friend. Bitch is thirsty as fuck for Dash. Wants to taste the Rainbow, amiright?"

"Maaaa-ster, that's yuckie! Besides, the yellow pony is Dashie's special friend."

"The animal hugger? Wait, I thought she was getting eaten out by the fashion horse."

"No, Rarity is with the farmer!"

"BULLSHIT!"

She never expected to become enraged.

"They Wrecked. Her. Caravan!"

"But Master, she was boasting!"

"Cat, she was getting her swag on! Those lame-ass country shits just couldn't handle how awesome she was! Such bullcrap! Okay, there's gotta be another episode where she comes back and kicks all their asses."

"Do you wanna look ahead, Master?"

"Hell yes!"

She never imagined she'd become inspired.

"All right, cat! I'm gonna do it! And this 'pure pure beam' shit's gonna make their friendship cannon look like total weak sauce!"

"You can do it, Master! Momo believes in you!"

For good luck, Audrey chugged down the last of her schnapps and tossed the bottle. The bedroom had been converted into a target range. Atop a pile of university textbooks and trapped underneath a clear Tupperware dish, a lone scorub circled its prison walls, oblivious to the total awesomeness that was about to knock it out of this world!

Audrey breathed deeply, she bounced on her feet and shook the nervous tension from her arms. "Okay … okay…"

A final glance – to make sure fucking no one was watching. Then she twirled on the spot and flashed the bug a peace sign.

"Starlight Princess Pure Shine Go!"

Nothing.

Audrey spun again. "Starlight Princess Pure Shine Go! … GO! For the sake of my friends... C'mon, god damn it... I will … mrgh… cleanse your evil!"

"Concentrate, Master!"

"I'M TRYING!" God damn it, the cat had made Misato's light beam power sound so easy! Find your inner calm, focus on the target and think about everything fluffy and warm: rainbows, gumdrops, tiny baby ducks and all that crap. Happy thought were the fuel that ignited Misato's ultimate spell. Warmth and goodness were the ammunition for this virgin priestess purification ritual.

You should be dead. The scorub should have frozen on the spot, eyes popping wide and squealing a little insect squeal of despair as it witnessed the oncoming surge of white light. "Niiii," it would scream as a hurricane of dazzling energy disintegrated its body like black sand caught in a breeze.

But the little bugger just kept scuttling around, mocking her with its continued existence.

Mother fucker, how'm I supposed to get rid of those shadows if this fucker won't even roll over and die?

"Happy thoughts," Momo whispered in reminder.

Happy thoughts. Easy enough for the furball to say. She didn't have a best friend on the line!

"Happy thoughts," Audrey repeated, gritting her teeth in concentration. It just wouldn't work. The harder she squeezed her brain, the more desperately she wrung her gray matter for smiles, the more frustrated she grew. Her memories had nothing to offer but anger. A sizzling annoyance at the world and the idiots around her.

God damn Celeste, playing me for a fool. God damn Nikki shoving her perfect girlfriend into my fucking face! God damn Zoey and her whore-ass cam stream, wasting my precious time and throwing me off target!

Her thoughts weren't simply sizzling anymore, they were throwing sparks and catching fire.

God damn love fairy for dumping her shitty problems on me, god damn shadow-master for screwing with my life! God damn everybody for fucking leaving -

"Um, Master?"

"WHAT?"

The cat-girl cowered. She gestured meekly to the captured scorub.

The black beetle had collapsed on its belly, shrieking. When jets of steam erupted from its armor, Audrey realized the high pitched whistle was the shriek of bug guts being boiled alive. The scorub's black shell swelled up in ugly, red blisters; wet, shuddering pustules that burst over the tupperware, throwing the container to the ground in a clatter. Oily, frothing bug innards gushed over the textbook cover, searing it black.

The whiff of charcoal hit Audrey's nose. She felt her last meal rising up her esophagus. It was only a misery-sucking scorub but Momo gaped as though she'd just witnessed the brutal disembowelling of Santa Claus.

"Master... Maybe we should take a break."

Audrey nodded, then bee-lined to the toilet bowl.

When she quit the bathroom, Audrey found her room expertly tidied. The kid had already cleaned up the target range, destroyed the evidence. Nice.

"Feeling better, Master?"

"Yeah, peaches 'n cream, cat. Peaches 'n cream."

For good measure, Audrey sprayed half a can of air freshener over the room. Because her shit stank. Nothing to do with the stench of burnt exoskeleton, no sir!

They did not speak of the half-melted insect. They did not speak of the aborted attempt at practicing magic. They'd watched pony vids and that was it.

Audrey threw herself under her bed covers, smothering herself in a protective cocoon. A bounce of the springs announced Momo's presence atop the bed sheets. The cat-girl padded round in circles, and when she finally curled up next to her, Audrey decided she was too tired to knock the kid to the ground.

"Night, cat."

"Nighty-night, Master."

A long, restless attempt at shutting her eyes passed.

"Okay, when Misato tried that purification stuff for the first time, did she -"

"She could do it perfect from the start, Master. Momo's seen other girls like you and Misato. Their powers never did... that."

"Wow. Thanks for the pep talk, cat." Grimly, Audrey whispered out the day's report. "So we still don't know where those shadows are coming from."

"No, Master."

"Even if we do find this master and this 'anchor', we still don't have a way to beat back those smoke freaks." What good was grabbing a guy's wallet if his crew was on alert, ready to beat the shit out of you the instant you made your move?

"No."

Audrey smashed a fist into her pillow. "So what good was all this crap we went through? Tiff's still in danger and we didn't get shit done!"

All Momo offered in response was the slow swish of her tail across the bed. Of course.

And then -

"Hey, Master? What's a kitty's favorite food?"

"What? Tuna."

"And where do kitties like getting scratchies best of all?"

"Their ears, duh." Hadn't she made sure to give the little furball a royal rubdown while they'd watched TV?

"And when you see lotsa kitties together?"

"A clowder! What's with all the questions anyway?"

Her answer came in a surprise kitten glomp from behind. "You just passed your first kitty quiz, Master. You've grown a super-duper bunch!"

The kid seemed to think she'd won the carnival's grand prize, but all Audrey saw was a five-cent plastic bauble. "Wow that was lame, even for you, cat."

"Momo's super-serious! You learned so much about magic and kitties t'day. Momo's proud you're her master!"

"You wouldn't be so proud if you really knew me." An idea flitted to mind. "Hmph, bet you couldn't get through a single dumb question about me!"

"Ask me, ask me!" The kid was insatiable. Now she actually had to think of questions!

"Um… okay, number one. What's my favorite drink?"

"Momo dunno. But you like it when people give you drinks, Master."

"Daiquiris. Schnapps is the shit when you need something quick 'n cheap, I guess. Okay – my favorite colour. What is it? Come on, I'm waiting!"

"Blue, Master! All your dressies are blue and you put it in your hair too. Is that 'cause you wanna be like Nikki and Misses Celeste?"

Beneath the surface, the cat's words slammed her like a gun to the ribs. "Ha! If you can't tell my favorite color is red, you must be fucking blind!"

"Master… you don't wear red."

Audrey frowned. Right ... "I don't have favorite colours, okay? It's just whatever I'm in the mood for." Before her blue phase she'd been purple and platinum blonde, and before that, cherry red with frosted white. "But I hate brown. Anything but boring-bitch brunette."

"Next question! Next question!"

"Okay, what's like … my favorite thing to do, ever?"

"Easy peasy! You like talking with your friend, Tiffany! That's the only time Momo really saw you smile."

Another rude kick to the ribs. "No, I like to go shopping at the mall, especially if it's with someone else's money!"

"You had fun at the big shoppy-place this morning," Momo conceded, "but Momo knows you were super-duper happier when Miss Tiffy was combing your hair."

Audrey grit her teeth and clenched her pillow. "Zero for three, cat! You don't know anything about me! Hmph, I'll give you one more chance but I know you can't figure out the size of my tits."

"Master, who cares how big your boobies are? You look after your fishies, you help your friends and you've been so super-nice to Momo. Isn't that what matters?"

She didn't answer. Audrey shut her eyes and breathed restlessly until she cracked, spinning around and scooping the cat-girl into her arms.

"M-Master?"

"Don't make this weird, okay?" Audrey shuddered into the kid's neck. "Here's the deal - you're my cat. I'll feed you, play with you and scratch behind your ears 'til your leg falls off. If you ever leave me, I'll hate you forever."

Smiling, the kid eased into her backwards hug. "Then Momo will stay with you until she dies. Pinkie promise."

She laughed. "Geez, don't get so heavy, cat." Heavy … Damn, now her eyes were getting heavy. Something about warm kitty hair putting her mind at ease. Just a … little rest…

In her dream, she stood in darkness – a deep void stretching to the endless horizon. Three of the shadow creatures paced around her, black sharks hunting in an inky grave. Audrey grasped for her purse – the spell tags! – but she was defenseless as the first of the silhouettes broke the circle and rose over her.

"You must hate me so much," it declared. The smoke-skin of its body evaporated and Tiffany stepped out of her shadowy wrappings, face shredded with cuts and bruises. "You put all your faith in me. You counted on me like no one else. Then I went and betrayed your trust. Stings, doesn't it?"

"For fuck's sake, you didn't exactly pick a great time to come out as bi or whatever!"

"You must hate me so much." The second shadow resolved into cam-whoring Zoey and her lemon-yellow leather. She stuttered forward on twitchy, broken legs. "I have hundreds of men worshiping me but they all dismiss you. Such a pity. Were you not so problematic, we could have been such good friends. There's so much we could have complained about together."

"Full stop – no. No way in hell would we be -"

The words died on her lips as the final shadow revealed herself. Shit, anyone but you.

"Who else but me?" Cherry red hair frosted white around the edges and pinned with bows. An extravagant checkered dress decorated with black ribbons and strawberry lace. A cigarette in her hand and a shit-eating grin on her face. "Hey, bitch! Long time, no see!"

Audrey swallowed stiffly. Me.

Or rather, the red-obsessed Audrey from a year ago. The Audrey who'd lived happy and ignorant of fairies, aliens and magical beasts and all the awful shit trusted friends would pull on you.

Red Audrey took a hurried drag from her cigarette, flicking the butt into the darkness as she checked her phone. "Kay, I got shit to do, so let's cut to the fucking chase. I know how much you hate me."

Audrey clenched her fist but when her redheaded past stepped into her face, she found herself backpedaling.

"I mean, what's not to hate? Me, I'm happy with my drinks and getting fucked up, but you've got nothing. Nobody! Can't get a guy, can't get a good lay. Fuck, even chicks cringe and leave when they see the shit you're saddled with."

Audrey clenched her teeth. "Go to hell, you-"

"Don't fucking interrupt! You bark like a yappy bitch but you're toothless! You can preen and show off all you want, but all you're flaunting are dead dreams. You'll never have it as good as I do!"

"Shut up!" Audrey felt herself backing into a wall but she stood her ground. "Shut up you stupid-ass, spoiled daddy's girl! You're the one who hasn't got shit to her name!"

Zoey tilted her head, blue dreadlocks spilling to the side. "Why does she keep interrupting?"

"Oh my -" Tiffany cupped her mouth to stifle a cruel giggle. "Girls, she thinks we're talking to her."

"Most curious."

Red rolled her eyes and jabbed a finely manicured nail into the air. "Bitch, I'm talking to her."

Audrey spun around, discovering that the wall at her back was a vanity table, the foundation of an impossibly tall mirror. Audrey recognized the bronze skinned figure reflected in the glass: dark Latin hair, stormy eyes and golden hoop earrings.

"Delrio..."

Red clapped her on the shoulder. "Huh, so you thought we were talking shit about –? Wow, you've got issues, kid."

Then the mirror shattered.

Audrey raised her hands to protect her skin from the onslaught of jagged shards, leaving her completely vulnerable to the massive black bear paw that seized her around the waist. Delrio burst from the mirror's broken frame, except now she was a titanic black bear - a beastly mother howling to protect her cub. Her free paw came down on the shadow trio, crushing them into black smoke. Audrey screamed as the mother bear brought her towards its maw of white fangs.

"Master, grab my hand!"

Momo! The cat-girl's voice echoed from above, and the bear flinched at the sudden burst of falling light. A tiny kitten bounded from the heavens. It looked impossibly weak but when Audrey latched onto its precious little paw, she was instantly heaved out of the bear's grasp and flying towards the sunlight at incredible speed.

"Hang on, Master! Momo's gotcha!"

They were rocketing towards the light, so bright and blue that Audrey had to flinch and hide her eyes from the pure shimmer.

Shimmer?

"Momo, that's a lake! Momo, we're gonna go right into –"

"Deep breath, Master!"

Audrey shot up with a gasp, heaving fresh air into her frightened lungs. Her bedroom. Her bed. Her hair, damp against her skin, her night shirt cold and soaked with water.

Squatting on the wet bed sheets with a dripping basin in her hands, Momo scanned the results of her emergency wake up.

"You were yelling in your sleepy-time, Master. Momo didn't know what else t'do."

"A dream," Audrey panted. "I saw – Momo, did Misato ever have dreams?"

"Mrrow? Momo doesn't remember that kinda magic."

She ignored the cat-girl. Fuck, her head hurt but this was more than just a hangover migraine. Had to be! Her powers were growing and her second sight had become a prophetic sight! Tiffany, Zoey, herself – three fates tied together by a shadowy puppet master. "The dream, it was telling me who's behind this shit!"

And that was ALL the dream had meant to say.

"Delrio. You must hate us all so much. Well, I'm coming for you … you …"

Momo tilted her head. "You...?"

Crap, what was her name? Audrey paused her declaration of war so she could swipe at her phone. A quick Google search brought up the mall salon. She scrolled through the staff listing.

"Janie … Karen … Ky-? Kyanna? Who the fuck spells 'Kyanna' with a 'y'?"

Whatever. She snapped her phone shut.

Time to do some potion work and brew up the mother of all hangover cures. Then it was time to end this shit.