A/N: I'll be very busy with school this upcoming week that's why I'm updating today. This might be the last for the month of February. Oh, by the way, thank you for all the reviews, follows and favorites! Believe it or not, they really help motivate a writer to finish whatever it is he/she is writing.
It's Wednesday, and I almost forget that it's our day off. I'm already heading out the door when Peeta reminds me. I settle back underneath the covers and snuggle against him. I feel his breath on my neck, his heartbeat on my back. Sleep comes to me eventually.
For breakfast we share rolls over cups of hot chocolate. Peeta, as always, still hasn't let go of what happened last night and asks again for forgiveness.
I kiss all of his insecurities away.
By afternoon we start on the memory book since the materials arrived about a week ago, that same morning when Gale came over. We decide to list down everyone we're making pages of, and narrow down our choices to those whose pages would be the least painful. For today it's Lady, Prim's goat.
We finish early since there's little to paint and write, just the story of how I got her and how much Prim loved her. We're cleaning up when a knock on our door makes the both of us jump. "I'll get it," I say.
"Hi, Catnip."
"Gale," I nod. "C-come in."
"Oh, no need. I just wanted to ask, um, Peeta?" he shifts a little so he can see him.
"Oh, hey Gale. Anything you need?" Peeta answers.
"Uh, can I borrow Katniss for a moment?"
"Yeah, sure. Just bring her back," Peeta smiles.
Great. Gale gestures for me to follow him. A million bells ring in my head, telling me to stay alert. But you hugged him yesterday, Katniss? Really?
Oh, shut up.
"Don't worry, Katniss. I'm not going to do anything to you."
"Then why are we here?" I ask. He's lead me near the fountain in the middle of the Victors' Village. He sits down on the marble bench and pats the spot beside him. I check our house and decide that it's safe, for Peeta can see me from our living room window, I take a seat.
"Katniss, I just wanted to tell you that I'm okay with Peeta."
Well, that was something I wasn't expecting. Of all the reasons Gale would want to talk to me I have listed in my head that was the very last one.
"Wh-what made you…?"
"I punched him, and he made me promise to not leave you. Again, for that matter. I think he deserves you," Gale smiles sadly. "You deserve him."
"I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to, it's me here who wanted to explain," he lifts his hand, palm up, and I place mine over his.
"Thank you, for understanding."
He embraces me. "I leave tomorrow, they need me there."
"Oh." Why does everything have to be in my way? Now that I have him back, that I can love both of them again, he has to leave. I'm not ready yet, though I was happy with Peeta's company for the past months—I am happy—I missed Gale. I missed my hunting partner. So, not letting this opportunity slip away from my grasp, I ask him out for a hunting trip. He says yes, of course.
After I've informed Peeta of our trip, we head off, taking the same route we took everyday years back. The meadow's starting to flourish again, which I'm very grateful of. I'm tired of seeing corpses.
The woods are very welcoming today, mockingjays pass melodies—back and forth, back and forth—as we walk. I whistle the tune Rue taught me in our first Games. The memory of her in my dream, months ago, jumping from branch to branch, makes my heart swell. The birds whistle it back, and as the mockingjays continue to pass it around, the simple tune becomes something more complex. It's beautiful. I thank Rue for teaching it to me, and I promise her I won't forget.
As we reach the hollow tree trunk where I keep my bow and arrows, we spot a lynx. Gale smiles at it, then says, "Smelled some Catnip, huh?"
I roll my eyes at him, but I smile. This feels satisfying.
The lynx pads off, leaving us alone again. I retrieve my dad's, then lend Gale my old set of bow and arrows. He shoots a squirrel as a bit of a practice exercise.
We head for our rendezvous spot up in the mountains, setting up traps and nooses, shooting some game along the way, picking some berries, too. We reach our spot at last, overlooking the range of smaller mountains surrounding Twelve.
"Finally feels like home," Gale whispers. I untie two squirrels from my belt, Gale starts a small fire so we can cook it. We skin them, roast them, and then eat them. It's hard to believe that one whole year has passed since we last did this, and a lifetime ago since we last felt this relaxed. He tells me about his new life, how different things are in Two. It takes time, he says, but you'll get used to it. He also says sometimes he misses the ways in Twelve, how less tense and strict we are here compared to there. I tell him that it suits him more. He laughs at it, and if at one point in my life I thought it was the sweetest sound I could ever hear, I doubt it now. Nothing can surpass Peeta's laugh.
Nothing can ever amount to Peeta.
One reason, too, of why I brought him here is to make sure I don't have anything else but platonic love for him. I was scared, hours ago, that when he said he's come to terms with what I feel for Peeta that I was making a mistake by letting him go. I can't help it, I've made too many mistakes in the past that even though I'm more than certain, I still doubt myself.
We head back before dusk and check the snare line. We manage to take home two squirrels, a turkey and a rabbit each. I drop him off in their assigned house, then I go home.
In the morning, the bed beside me feels cold to my touch. Peeta must have woken up already. Downstairs, I find him talking to someone outside. The floorboards creak under my weight, giving away my location.
"Oh, she's here," Peeta says. He opens the door fully, and I see Gale dressed in his uniform, a bag on each of his shoulder.
"Just wanted to say goodbye," he smiles. I walk up to him and hug him tight. When I pull back, Peeta's smiling.
"I'll write to you when I get there. We'll keep in touch, alright?"
"Alright." I wave to him as he walks towards town.
It takes us a while to resume our old routine because of all the previous disruptions—Annie, Finn and my mom, then the Hawthornes, the festival—but eventually, we fall back to it. The next Wednesday, Peeta pushes through with the date we were supposed to have weeks back. This time, we don't bother dressing up. Actually, it's more like a stay-up night. Dressed in our pajamas, we take a blanket outside and start a fire.
"This is nice, isn't it?" he says. He's on his back while my head rests on his shoulder.
I hum my agreement and it's like the world allows us a minute of peace, and it's that kind of peace that washes over every bit of your being you're left feeling connected with the universe. It's calming. I remember my mom and dad used to lie like this as Prim and I play tag in the meadow. Then my dad would whisper something that makes my mom laugh. He kisses her and I would see exactly why she was willing to leave everything behind.
A realization comes to me in the middle of my pondering and it hits me so hard I sit up. Peeta startles underneath me, "What's wrong?"
"N-nothing, I… just—oh my God—I used to think that nobody could ever experience a love my mom and my dad had. I used to think they were the most in love persons on this planet, and I felt… I understood why she traded her perfectly fine past for a very unpredictable future. I realized that I…" Willing myself to say the last words out loud uses up all of my courage, "…love you."
He sits up, too, beside me, then blinks slowly, letting it sink in. "Wow," he sighs exaggeratedly. "Katniss. Everdeen. Just told me. She loves me." He looks at me in awe, chuckles disbelievingly, then leans back on his arms with a dreamy expression on his face.
"You never noticed?" I ask worriedly.
"I did! But it feels a lot different when you hear it, you know? Like when a person finally confirms a doubt you've had for years." I furrow my eyebrows at this. "Really. I mean, don't you feel like that, too? When I say I—that to you?"
"I don't think you've ever said that to me."
"I did, before our first real date?"
"I mean, never when I'm not sulking?"
He smiles at my bait. His hand tucks away a stray lock of hair that covered my eyes. "I love you," he says, pronouncing every syllable clearly.
Unconsciously, I've closed my eyes as he told me he loved me. "Wow."
"Felt that?"
"Yeah," I say, grinning. "I love you," I tell him again. It comes so easily now I can't help but ask myself why I found it hard to get out.
"I could listen to that all day," he says. "But, I'm sleepy."
When I wake up, I feel like the nightmare doesn't stop. Peeta's holding me but I fear he'll vanish—turn to dust when I look at him. "Shh, I'm here. I'm here."
"S-s-stay with m-me," I croak out.
"Always," he says. "I'll always stay with you."
We sit there in the middle of our bed, Peeta rocking me gently as I let my tears flow. I don't dare wipe them because the feeling of it on my hands only brings out more tears from me.
When I've found myself again, Peeta guides me downstairs as we start our day two hours later than usual. He's just walking to get some water when he stops, his whole body tensing from the flashback starting to build up in his mind.
I rush to his side automatically, taking his hands, squeezing them hard to bring him back. "Peeta, it's me. It's Katniss."
"Katniss," he spits out. "I'll kill you."
His eyes open and they're not his. They're menacing and hateful. His lips curl into a snarl and before I can put some safe distance between us, he grabs me by the wrists and twists them. I cry out in pain.
He stills, his head tilting to the side as he works out what is happening. He closes his eyes shut again, wrinkling his forehead. "Katniss."
When he opens his eyes again, they're filled with sadness. The second Peeta lays his eyes on the bruises on my wrists, he couldn't find his voice to speak. For minutes he just stares at the clotting blood underneath my skin. Then, very slowly, he kisses them, looks straight into my eyes, then leaves.
I find him in his bedroom—back in his old house—minutes later, with his hands in his hair as he cries his heart out.
"Peeta?"
He doesn't look up.
I sit beside him and lean my head on his shoulder. He still feels tense. I kiss the spot right across my mouth. I work my way up his jaw but he turns away.
"We can't continue this, Katniss."
"Yes, we can."
"No, look at what I did to you!" he screams at me.
Peeta looks so broken at this moment, so vulnerable, so weak, so him. I'm not saying he's vulnerable and weak, but he's such a gentle being—so, so gentle that what the Capitol did to him is unforgivable.
"You should have just gone with Gale."
Peeta, don't say that. "No. I'm here and I'm staying with you."
"No, Katniss. You don't understand! We've—we've been together for almost a year but still, look at your wrists! Look at what I did to you! No amount of time I spend with you would ever, ever undo what they did to me. What if I hurt you again? What if I kill you, Katniss? I won't be able to live with myself!" He's standing now. "I couldn't do that. I just couldn't. I can't risk losing you."
"But if you leave, I'll lose you, Peeta!"
"If I stay—if we stay like this—there's a high chance of me doing harm to you—"
"I can handle that, Peeta! You know I can."
"What if one day you can't?! What if I get lost in my head so much you can't reach me? What if, Katniss?!"
"I don't care!" I scream. "I don't care about that! I need you. I can't go on with my life without you. You're everything I have now. Leave and I'll be nothing."
His eyes twinkle for a moment, but it disappears quickly. "I can't risk it. Not with your life at stake."
"You don't understand, Peeta! I'm no good without you! I won't live, I'll just exist. I'll die without you… Please, stay." I'm begging him. I'm begging him to stay, throwing away my pride, letting him see right through me. To let him see that I really am just a waste of space without him. He sees that, but a stronger image of me blurs what I want him to see.
"I'm sorry," he says, shaking his head. He looks at me one last time, "I'm so sorry. I love you too much."