Zoop Goes to Middle Earth - Part I

by Zoop

Gratuitous, shameless self-insert. Ever wonder what Orcs in Middle Earth are *really* like? Me too. So I'm taking a trip to Arda to get the scoop on my favorite angst-ridden, misunderstood, just-wanna-be-loved critters, the Orcs. And hope I don't get eaten along the way. (Warning: may be occasionally humorous, but I make no promises.)

10. And We're Off

Day Whatever – And We're Off

February 16, 3019 (the calendar works again)

The last unknown number of days in Lothlorien have been extremely uninteresting, from a diary perspective, so I decided to just skip to the good part. Which is today. I'm nestled all snug and warm – so to speak – in the canoe with Legolas and Gimli. I had myself a taste of lembas and gagged; it's like dry shortbread. And I mean really dry. Nobody thought to use liquids in its making, kind of dry. I'll be dipping that shit in water whenever I have to muscle it down, I assure you.

Gift-giving session with Galadriel went well. I'll bet you're wondering what sort of delightful present the Zoop got. Not cyanide. Nope, she gave me a short knife easily concealed on a lady's person. Just in case one is in a bind and needs a pointy friend. She also saw to it that Longelfnameriel gave me a real mace for head bashing to replace my training weapon. Shit, it's like they think I'll need to defend myself against Orcs. Hah. Very funny, guys. [/sarcasm]

Since the actual, real-life trip down the Anduin took over a week, I'll spare you, gentle reader, the boring descriptions of water fights between canoes, soaking wet Fellowship members glaring indignantly at the Zoop while wringing out their clothes from a random forced dunk, and the occasional Abba song sung at max decibels through the rapids. All of which I'm sure will happen. I'll let you know.