Ten
Ten years earlier
"How could you be so damn stupid?"
Jenn rounded on him at that, the look on her tear-stained face incredulous. "Are you shitting me right now? How could I be so stupid? Me? Like you had nothing to do with it!"
The biker clenched his jaw in frustration, his blue eyes blazing out of dark circles as he stared her down. "I didn't mean that. I meant why the hell didn't you tell me instead of sneaking around?"
"I'm telling you now, aren't I?"
"A little fucking last minute, don't you think?" Kozik snapped, raking a hand through the spikes of his hair. His mind was racing, his heart too, even as the rest of the world seemed to have slipped into slow-motion and he eyed her as if expecting to see some visible sign of what she was telling him. "Jesus Christ, JJ. Jesus Christ."
She snorted wryly through her tears, tugging closed the denim shirt she had been wearing open over her simple black tank top and ripped black jeans in an unconscious gesture of self-consciousness. "Good to know where you stand, Koz," she managed, before turning on her heel.
The bathroom door was slamming in his face before he could get a word and he groaned in frustration as he leaned his forehead against it and closed his eyes. Her shutting him out, both literally and figuratively, was nothing new. Remembering what had happened the last time she locked herself in, he was glad they hadn't gotten round to replacing the mirror, even if it didn't sound like she was hell-bent on trashing the place this time.
"Jenn," he tried, finding himself lost for what to say for the best. "Shit."
Slumping down at the foot of the door they had been forced to replace, he simply sat there with his head tilted back against the wood and his eyes closed. Trying to ignore how every inch of him cried out for a hit of ... something. Anything. There were only two ways this thing was going to resolve itself and he might have let himself imagine the worst – only he didn't know what that was right now.
There was still nothing but silence from the other side of the door.
"Jenn," he tried again, not really expecting an answer. "How long?"
Silence, at least at first. "Three minutes."
He swallowed hard at those soft words from her side of their divide. Three minutes. Three minutes before their lives potentially got flipped on their heads.
Holy shit.
Sat by the bar nursing a strong black coffee as he skimmed through a newspaper, Chibs would have tried to deny the double-take when their unplanned guest re-emerged from the dorms. He couldn't help but admire her strength though. The broken, beaten down girl they'd brought here, not knowing what else to do with her, had seemed ready to stay curled under a duvet for as long as they'd let her. And he couldn't even really say he blamed her, all things considered.
But, while clearly still in shock over the shit that had gone down with the bastard she called a husband, and obviously grieving over Kozik, it nonetheless seemed that she was already determined to make good on her promise. He certainly hadn't expected such swift progress on that front – although he suspected front may have been the operative word.
He watched her hesitate as she glanced around from the doorway and noted the way she took a breath before forcing her head up and crossing the clubhouse to join him, almost hiding the pain of her injuries with the feigned confidence in her stride. Almost.
"Feelin' better, pet?" Chibs asked, setting down his paper and pushing a free stool towards her with his foot, his earlier conversation with Jax already weighing heavily on his mind as he steeled himself for what lay ahead.
"No," Jenn admitted, with a blunt honesty, as she sat down. "But I figured trying to hide away wasn't exactly going to help, so ... here I am. Just trying."
He eyed her cautiously, taking in the faded blue jeans and white cotton tank under an oversized plaid shirt he suspected might have been Kozik's, the long red hair brushed into soft waves and held back from her face with a knotted bandana, and the bruises almost hidden under her make-up. Knowing green eyes met his. "And ..."
"And still clean," she said evenly, a wry little smile greeting his apologetic grimace. "No, no, it's okay. I get it. I mean, your doctor friend wanted to give me something for the pain and I was too scared to accept - even though I don't think she meant, like, Oxy - so you get to have your doubts."
"It's gotta be tough. All this shite fallin' on your shoulders at once," Chibs said, signalling to the prospect behind the bar for a coffee for her and a top-up for him.
She inhaled deeply, wincing just a little and letting her eyes drift closed for a second, opening them to wrap her hands gratefully around the steaming mug now in front of her. "Yeah. It's ... a lot," Jenn managed. "Doesn't seem real. I guess I never really thought I'd actually get away from Joe, let alone ... you know."
"But you just did what you had to and now here you are. And you ain't gonna have to worry about that asshole ever again," Chibs said, realising his mistake in second-guessing her focus as soon as fresh tears threatened.
"I know," she said, trying her best to blink them back. "But ... I just ... Anytime I did let myself think it could happen, even if it was just for a second ..."
"You thought Kozik would be there," Chibs sighed. "Ah, love, I'm so damn sorry."
"Me too," she said, those tears slipping down her cheeks, making him reach out to brush them away with the pad of his thumb. "Shit, sorry. So much for trying to tough it out."
"You don't have to. Not like that anyway," the biker tried. "I mean, yeah, you gotta keep going for yourself and your kiddie. But you're allowed to grieve, Jenn. Losing him the way we did, we might not show it, but it's been rough on all of us - Jesus, lass, cut yourself some slack."
Wiping beneath her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt, she forced down a gulp of coffee and visibly tried to get it together. "God, Chibs, if you knew ... I threw away so many second chances with him."
A wry, yet sympathetic smile crinkled the corners of his eyes and he reached out to gently tip her face back up from her lap. "That may be, darlin', but it doesn't sound like it ever changed how he felt about you."
"I think that makes it harder," she confessed. "Knowing what we could have had. I ... I told Joe I wished Koz was Lexie's dad. Probably not my smartest move, but part of me wishes I'd done it years ago."
Chibs eyed her sharply. "Hang on ..."
Realising what he was thinking, she shook her head. "No, he wasn't. But he could have been. Joe may have been her biological father, but he was never a dad to that little girl – not like Koz wanted to be. And even in such a short space of time, he was so good with her. I should have known he would be."
"You two ever think about having kids when you were together back in the day?"
She managed a smile at that, but it didn't reach her eyes. "Two messed up junkies in and out of rehab? Not a good idea. And we both knew it. Although that didn't stop me picking a fight with him over it. We ... We, uh, kinda had a false alarm and it scared the shit outta Koz. Okay, that's probably not the right way to put it – I don't think Koz was ever scared of anything. But it definitely rattled him. He was the kid of an addict and he never wanted to end up like his dad, so still using and potentially having a baby on the way ... Yeah, it threw him for a loop."
"And you?" Chibs asked, his fingers toying absently with the silver cross around his neck, his thoughts drifting to the world he had brought his own daughter into.
"I was terrified," Jenn admitted. "I knew I couldn't cope, not back then, not even if Koz stuck around. But, despite all the reasons I knew it wasn't the right time ..."
A tear coursed down her cheek and she looked away again, embarrassed, making it suddenly as obvious to him as if she'd spoken out loud.
"It hurt that he knew it too," Chibs finished for her. "Jesus, love, you two really did put each other through the wringer, didn't you?"
"Time and time again," she nodded.
Ten years earlier
Kozik's eyes opened at the sound of the door, inner soldier taking over from outer junkie and putting him instantly on alert for any storm brewing. But, before he could even move from his spot, something dropped in his lap and Jenn simply headed past him towards the bedroom.
"You always were good at dodging bullets," was all that drifted back to him from over her shoulder, her earlier fire seeming well and truly doused.
A blue negative sign stared back at him from the white plastic casing.
He knew he should have been relieved. They both should. And yet ... He knew better than to try to put that into words. Even if he'd been high as a kite, he couldn't have missed the sheer sadness wrapped around his girl.
Getting up, he braved the door to their room, hovering there awkwardly as she sat with her back to him on the side of the bed, her head in her hands.
"JJ ..."
"I don't need you to tell me I'm being stupid, Koz."
He sighed at that, not wanting to spark another row, not when she was clearly so upset. Their usual fights were all fury and heat, and were made up in more or less the same way. This was different. Even he could see that.
"I'm sorry," he tried softly, the jolt of realisation that it was the truth rather than a kindness rekindling that old desire to turn things around for them both.
Rounding the bed to hunker down in front of her, Kozik's heart ached to see the tears on her face and he reached out to gently wipe them away before working the tiny baggie out of her trembling hands. For once, she didn't fight him. Maybe that in itself was a sign.
He couldn't deny the pull he felt himself, but he set his jaw in determination as he pitched the baggie towards the trashcan. He'd flush it later, but for now, she was his priority. "It ain't ever been the answer, baby," he said, lacing his fingers through hers as he gazed up into those hazy green eyes.
Maybe this time ...
"But there was always a next time," Jenn sighed, her words heavy with regret as she found herself telling Chibs another little piece of her history with his club brother.
"He still loved you, darlin'. You gotta hold onto that 'cause there ain't no point in what ifs."
"Thank you," she said suddenly, her voice low and full of emotion. "I mean it, Chibs. Thank you. For listening. For being so kind to us. I'm sure the last thing you need is to be dragged into this mess."
"It's what Koz would have wanted," he shrugged, turning uncomfortable in the face of her gratitude when he knew there was still at least one crucial element of it all unresolved. "But listen, love, there's something else we gotta talk about."
Those too-bright eyes scanned his face and she inhaled deeply, resignation in the slump of her shoulders. "About us moving on," she said, her voice quiet and flat. It wasn't a question.
He shook his head. "You don't-"
"I understand," Jenn said quickly. "I mean, like I said, you've been more than good to us already."
But he could read her fears as clearly as if they were etched across her face. Where would they go? How would she take care of Lexie? What if someone started asking questions? Her slim fingers twisted the hem of her shirt anxiously and Chibs took her hands in his to still them.
"We ain't perfect, but we ain't kicking you and the wee lass out on the street," he said gently. "That ain't what I'm trying to say."
"Then ... what?"
"Jenn," he tried, inwardly cursing himself for not having thought this through better. Or for not having gotten it out of the way sooner, before she opened her heart to him. Or for not having insisted Jax do his own dirty work. He knew the young VP was right though – it should come from someone she trusted him. Except, for him, that only made it worse. "It's about Koz."
"Koz?" she echoed, looking every bit as confused as she sounded.
"Aye, lass, and exactly what happened to him. If the cops ask."