Once upon a time, in Marauder Village, where fighting was tradition, Fionna the Human was facing the Head Marauder, a strong blond woman.
"You're not too bad for a human girl!" she complimented her, as the adventurer was grabbing her helmet to block her.
"Not too bad!? I'm better than that!" she replied before hearing someone sobbing and throwing away her opponent "Cake! Do you hear that?"
"What'd you say?" the cat asked, riding a bucking half-stag half-marauder, before getting tossed and then kicked over to Fionna, "Whoa!"
"I think someone's crying," she explained before the Head Marauder jumped at her, "Stop!"
She knocked her off, not amused.
"This is serious! I gotta go find out where that crying is coming from!" she said as she walked away.
"Get back here you're chickeeeeen," she insulted her.
"What did you call me?" Fionna asked, turning back.
"You can't just walk away from a roughhouse!" she informed her.
"Hey!" the human jumped on a table, "listen up you cold-hearted marauders! Someone's out there crying for help and I'm not gonna ignore that!"
"Awwww here it comes! Lay it down Fionna!" Cake shouted.
"A long time ago when I was a baby," she recalled, "I went boom boom on a leaf. Boom! Boom! And I fell backwards and sat in my own boom boom. I cried for a day. But no one came to help me. That day I vowed to help anyone in need! No matter how small their problem. And that's why I need to go."
With that said, she ran to help under everyone's applause.
"She still cries when she poops," Cake whispered to them, thanks for being cool chicks. Wait up, Fionna! It's comin' from up there!"
The crying was coming from a mountain, where boulders were falling.
"Someone must be caught in that avalanche! Let's get it on!" Fionna said, getting on Cake's back to ride her and getting on top of the mountain, "so, who's crying?"
"I am," the mountain answered.
"Whoa! Aww, what's wrong gal? You cryin' boulders?"
"Yes, I am sad. Having been forced to watch roughhousing women for centuries," explained the delicate woman.
"Ohhhh! I see," Fionna misunderstood, "you're feeling left out and you wanna roughhouse too! Well I can take you on strong girl! Come on Cake! Back me up!"
"Yeah, do it Fionna! Hit her with a boulder! And then hit her with another rock!"
"Please! No roughhousing!" she begged, i"t…m-makes…me…soooo.. SAD!
Boulders were being launched from her big empty eyes.
"Huh? Why?"
"Because they're so rough on each other!" she confessed.
"But a smooth well controlled roughhouse bolsters your guts and rejuvenate the muscle," she slighted stuttered.
"No! It's raunchy and maddening! All those women and their disgusting fantastic bodies!"
"Whoa. This girl's got problems," Cake realized.
Fionna recalled, in the forest where she was sat in her own boum boum with no one to help her. She remembered the harsh words those daddy longlegs had towards her.
"Look daddy!"
"Honey! Don't look! That kid's got problems!"
"I'll help you mountain!" she pledged
"Whoa! What!"
"I'll stop those roughhousers from being rough!" she promised.
"Really? You'd do that for me?" the mountain wondered.
"Yes m'lady!" she assured, "my name's Fionna and I'm gonna help you out!"
"But Fionna," Cake argued, "we're not gonna shut down the roughhouse for real are we?"
"No way!" she said, taking Cake as she prepared them to jump off the cliff, "but there's got to be some kind of solution. I'll figure this out Mountain Woman!"
They came back to the village, where everyone was still fighting.
"Aw! Fionna! Ready to get destroyed!" the Head Marauder warned her.
"N-nooo!" she stopped her, "wait, um, actually, could you girls stop being so rough."
"What!?" the all village echoed, stopping the feud only a second.
"Whoa whoa whoa!" their leader reassured them, "what are you talking about Fionna?"
"Could you guy just tone down the roughhousing a little?" she wondered.
"What!?" they all repeated.
"Whoa! Hey, hey. Shh. It's all right gals," she said before turning to their visitors, "Fionna, I'm sure this tone down the roughing thing has something to do with your boom boom, and I can respect that, but how can we POSSIBLY, Make roughhousing, Less rough?!"
She thought about it a little before seeing a duck and a rat besides her.
"I think I have a perfect idea!"
Tied to every marauders, several ducks were quacking in confusion. Some had rats, other had puppies on their head. They all could punch each other in a roughless way.
"This'll soften your punches for smooth knock outs," she explained, "like punching a dream!"
"Ha! Ha! Pigs on my knees! Pigs on my knees!" one exclaimed before kneeing another villager as the pig oinked.
"That's like math" Cake said, fist bumping her friend.
"What do ya think? Fixed all your problems right!" Fionna exclaimed to the Mountain Woman once they had reached her top again.
"No! That was terrible! Now they're just punching animals!" she grounded them, "it's worse than before and it's in no way a good solution!"
"I'm sorry!" the human apologized.
"Well you should be! It's not fair to those animals and it's not fair to me! I might just start to cry again, you know?" she confessed, boulders piling up in her eyes.
"Aw, man," Cake complained.
"Come on Cake," Fionna cheered her up "I gotta give this another shot!"
"Fionna this girl seems like a real nut job," she tried to reason her, "you know what I mean? I don't wanna get sucked into this girl's hang-ups."
"Yes I do Cake. That's what I vowed! To help anyone in need!" she pledged, remembering the boum-boum incident, "no matter how small their problem! At least I have to try sister."
"So be it sister," she sighed.
"Hey guys. I'm back" Fionna shouted, though everyone, focused on their fight, ignored her, "hey girls. Girls? women! Women. Please stop a second. Women! Girls? Please? I have more to ask of you! Sis? My sistas? Sister?"
She petted one Marauder's arm to get her attention.
"What? Did you just pet me?" she screamed before rising one hand, "I'll pet you! Pet pet! Heeeey! Pet pet. Hey this is great!"
The Marauder soon went to another villager, rising her hand once more.
"Hey! Did you just pet me?!"
"Yeah! I did!"
"Well I'll pet you back! Wha-whoa. What the-?" she realized "This is awesome!"
"Alright! This could be it!" Fionna declared as she spread the petting addiction.
"Fionna!" the Head Marauder laughed, "you're really mixin' things up in the best of ways today!"
"Maybe you can solve everyone's problems," Cake admitted, petted by a bunch of animals, "like a cherub with its bottom out."
"Okay, cool," she chuckled, "hey, I'm gonna go tell the mountain."
"Alright I'm gonna-" she tried, feeling too relaxed, "stay here this time."
Fionna the Human quickly reached the Mountain Woman and told her everything that had happened. She laughed happily hearing the outcome.
"So, everything's fine this time, right?"
"Yes! Thank you Fionna!"
Back to the village, Fionna explained Cake the good news.
"So the mountain is totally fine with everyone petting. I feel great," she sighed, glad.
"Right on honey!" the cat had to confess, "the marauders are going crazy over the petting! They're petting each other raw! Check 'em out!"
Indeed, the marauders' skin had turned purple. They looked unhappy whilst petting each other
"They look kinda rashy."
"Hey Fionna!" the Head Marauder called, "hey girl. As you can see the petting got sorta out of hand. Stop that! We are done with that! We're going back to roughhousing!"
"No wait girls! The mountain doesn't like roughhousing," Fionna argued.
"Well we don't like not roughhousing!" she declared, "ya see the problem here?"
"Well," she pondered, "well what if we rotate the entire mountain 180 degrees around, so the mountain's facing the other direction. That way, you guys can keep roughhousing and the mountain doesn't have to watch it!"
"Sounds fine with me!" she agreed.
"What do ya say mountain!" Fionna yelled at her to make sure she could hear.
"That's okay," she conceded, "only if you guys promise to stay healthy and not roughhouse after you rotate me."
"That mountain can talk?" the Head Marauder realized.
"Just promise her anything," Cake whispered, "she's out of her gourd."
"Yeah! We'll stay healthy!" they promised.
"Oh! Thank goodness!" the mountain exclaimed, "alright kids, spin me the math around!"
"Now I just need to set up some sort of pulley system."
"No! Over here!" another mountain, behind the first one, yelled, "don't turn her around! If you do, I'll miss looking at her beautiful back! It's gorgeous!"
"Huh? What? Really!?" she blushed.
"What!? A-but-ahh," Fionna realized, "um, maybe what we can do is…"
"Excuse me," mushroom creatures called the human, "we need your help. There's no music playing and we desperately want to dance!"
"Oh, ah just a second you guys," she asked of them, "I'll a- I'll help you out in one minute."
"Hey! Pipe down over there!" a coal woman groaned from her house, "I want some peace and quiet!"
"Let me just a-"
"I need to be pollinated!" a cactus creature informed in front of a fan.
"Huh!?"
"Pollinated all over to make my babies!" it said on a tree stump.
"Everybody please! One problem at a time!" she begged.
"My butt's itchy," a dragon roared, "but I can't scratch it!"
"This water's too hot!" a ice cube creature said,sitting in a puddle.
"Mommy! Please keep the flies away from our mommy," baby fishes asked to their deceased mother, out of the water.
"That guy stole our triangle," electroids complained, pointing a toad.
"They swiped my plum," a toad blamed, pointing electroids.
"We wanna roughhouse!" the Marauders chanted, "we wanna roughhouse!"
"I'm naked!" an old witch laughed in the distance.
"What's happening!" the Mountain Woman freaked out.
"Ahhhhh!" Fionna snapped, "everybody wants different things! And some of them want stuff that's exactly the thing the others don't want."
"Whoa, honey," Cake calmed her down, "hold on. So this guy wants this and that guy wants that, but honey: What do you want?
"Want do you want baby?" Fionna suddenly remembered when Jocelyn, Cake's mother, rescued her, "why are you crying? Gareth, this baby won't tell me what's wrong with it, and it's stuck to a leaf, and it stinks."
"Give it here Jocelyn," her husband asked of her, "this baby needs love and kisses to be happy. There. See? Now it's happy."
"You just kissed a boom boom baby," she told him, disgusted, "so don't expect any more sugar from me, honey until we wash your dirty dirty face."
She remembered how happy she was that day.
"Cake," Fionna realized, "what I want is to help anyone in need, so everyone is happy!"
"Wow, that's pretty corny honey," the cat laughed, "but let's do it girl! Wooohoo!"
The human girl found a microphone and called them one by one to make them happy.
"Ready over there mushroom gang?"
"Ready Fionna!" they said in a flower circle.
"Ready dragon?"
"Yes sir!" he promised, his butt still itchy.
"Ready Mountain Woman?"
"I'm ready," she laughed.
"Go!"
As the Marauders began roughhousing with strings attached to their limbs, the strings made several fans blow the flies off the fish's mothe ass well as playing music
"Yay! The flies are leaving!" the baby fished exclaimed.
The flies found their way in the coal woman's ears/
"Heh. Can't hear a thing!" she shouted, throwing two rocks that landed onto two teeter-totter. This gave he toad back her plum and the Electroids back their triangle. They both cheered. Hearing the music, the mushroom creatures started dancing in the flowers, which pollinated the "Pollen! Here they come!" she said as babies came off of her. Therefore, the dragon could finally scratch his butt, letting out a burst of flame to melt the ice cube creature. The fog created went up to the witch who grabbed a punch to put it on her head.
"Not naked," she informed before jumping into the water.
"Hey," the Mountain Woman said as the mist was blocking her view, "I can't see anything! Is anyone roughhousing?"
"No!" Cake lied.
"Radical."
"And I can still see this gorgeous back!" the second mountain exclaimed, gazing at the river behind her back.
"Thank you Fionna! You really helped everybody!" the Mountain Woman thanked her.
To those words, all the Marauders lifted the heroine.
"Stop! I've got a problem," Cake argued.
"Well, what's the matter?" Fionna began to worried.
"This dolphin fell in love with me!" she pointed out.
"That's the opposite of a problem!"
The dolphin's crush helping, the two adventurers could easily go back home on his back.
THE END