Session Ten
In truth, I wasn't expecting him to show up the next week. But he was there. At three pm. And he was looking back at the portrait.
Silently, we entered into my office and took our usual chairs. I decided that I wouldn't speak for him this time. That if we were going to break this cycle, he had to be the one to take the first step. I wasn't aware I had been holding my breath until after he started talking.
"I've been thinking about the ducks."
"Oh?"
"They were so small, you know? And I guess I got what you said about the whole symbolism thing. The ducks representing my family. But I don't see.."
"You do see. And I don't think you need me to point it out to you anymore."
He sighed and then started speaking. "I was thinking about that day when I blacked out. Remembering what you said about, you know, the cause or the root of the problem. And everything was just like the ducks."
"How so?"
"The whole thing with Mr. V. How he's pushing himself away from everything and because of that, I'm getting too emotionally involved. And then there's Narcissa and Draco who are both worried about me and I don't want them to be worried, but I can't stop them from being just that. They're concerned and they're acting like I'm acting around Mr. V. Everything just ties into together."
"We've discussed this."
"And then there's the problems at work, how people are starting to drift and all. And there's the problem with Rookwood and how things might start getting ugly and such between him and a few of the others."
"Your trip to France only served to show you the cracks in your own organization."
"Yes. And my mother can't even get to a lousy quill, let along do much of anything in her cell and how I might end up turning out just like her. And then there's Draco who's getting lousy grades at Potions. And those are taught by SS."
"The one with the cats."
"Yes. And it all suddenly came together. I've got a wife who's going to Italy, a son in school with the company of SS, and Mr. V. who's slowly taking himself away from me and I keep thinking of those damn ducks. I check outside for them every day and I don't see shit. They just flew away."
"Go on."
"I think I fear losing my family. That both of them will just fly away and I'll be alone. I'm afraid of Narcissa leaving me, afraid of Draco taking the route that I took and becoming like me. I fear Mr. V disowning me to some extent. I fear my other family trying to kill each other to settle their own disputes. I fear them getting killed in the years to come."
"And what about SS?"
"I don't know." Again with the head in his hands.
"You do know. You're just not letting yourself admit it. There's a reason why you can't let go of him."
"Yes."
"So what is it? You know it's more than just the cat."
"It's because he represents a part of my life that did fly away. That I spent time on. That I cared for. And now he's gone and he won't be coming back."
"Like the ducks."
He nodded.
"And Mr. V? And your wife?"
"I'm afraid that they'll go the way of him. That if they leave me, I don't think I can accept that their gone."
"So you don't want her to be worried about you?"
"Worry leads to doubt. I was thinking..of stepping down from Mr. V's service while he's like this because I'm worried about him. And if my emotions to him are absorbed by Draco and Narcissa, then what if they feel like stepping away from me? Thinking I'm doing them a favour? The circumstances are different. I can't afford them to leave me."
I watched him for a time. It was almost imperceptible, but I could see his shoulders begin to shake, his face still hidden.
"I don't want to end up like mother, alone in a cell. I don't want that to be my future."
"And that's why you took the writing implement so hard?"
"They would deny her words. They would deny her anything. Just as they would deny me if I ever ended up like that."
"Your wife loves you. Do you really think she would leave you?"
"Yes. She would. I love Mr. V., but I'm thinking of leaving him."
"For your own good."
"And maybe she'd leave for her own good. Maybe that's why she's pushing me into standing down from him. So she can have the courage to step away from me."
"Do you really believe that?"
He didn't answer. He was breathing too hard. I reached down and pushed the tissue box over to him.
"Maybe it is your fear talking." And really, that was the cause. Fear. Stress. It all added up to me now. Everything he had done before, he had done to prevent a crumbling organization to keep from falling on his head. He seemed to be holding the shaking foundations up on his shoulders. And from the root cause, there could come the solution.
The man needed more therapy. But he needed confirmation. And as I watched this reputed monster cry before me, I knew that I wouldn't turn away from this case. We had reached an epiphany today. And to back down now would cost him more in the end. I wouldn't do that to him.
I watched as a pale hand reached out and grabbed ahold of one of the tissues.
After he left, I grabbed a shot of whiskey from the bottle. Jotting down the day's notes, I managed to go through the rest of the day without a hitch. It wasn't until I was ready to go home that I stopped in the middle of my waiting room.
I took down the portrait of the rotting tree and barn and threw it in the dumpster when I got home.
In truth, I wasn't expecting him to show up the next week. But he was there. At three pm. And he was looking back at the portrait.
Silently, we entered into my office and took our usual chairs. I decided that I wouldn't speak for him this time. That if we were going to break this cycle, he had to be the one to take the first step. I wasn't aware I had been holding my breath until after he started talking.
"I've been thinking about the ducks."
"Oh?"
"They were so small, you know? And I guess I got what you said about the whole symbolism thing. The ducks representing my family. But I don't see.."
"You do see. And I don't think you need me to point it out to you anymore."
He sighed and then started speaking. "I was thinking about that day when I blacked out. Remembering what you said about, you know, the cause or the root of the problem. And everything was just like the ducks."
"How so?"
"The whole thing with Mr. V. How he's pushing himself away from everything and because of that, I'm getting too emotionally involved. And then there's Narcissa and Draco who are both worried about me and I don't want them to be worried, but I can't stop them from being just that. They're concerned and they're acting like I'm acting around Mr. V. Everything just ties into together."
"We've discussed this."
"And then there's the problems at work, how people are starting to drift and all. And there's the problem with Rookwood and how things might start getting ugly and such between him and a few of the others."
"Your trip to France only served to show you the cracks in your own organization."
"Yes. And my mother can't even get to a lousy quill, let along do much of anything in her cell and how I might end up turning out just like her. And then there's Draco who's getting lousy grades at Potions. And those are taught by SS."
"The one with the cats."
"Yes. And it all suddenly came together. I've got a wife who's going to Italy, a son in school with the company of SS, and Mr. V. who's slowly taking himself away from me and I keep thinking of those damn ducks. I check outside for them every day and I don't see shit. They just flew away."
"Go on."
"I think I fear losing my family. That both of them will just fly away and I'll be alone. I'm afraid of Narcissa leaving me, afraid of Draco taking the route that I took and becoming like me. I fear Mr. V disowning me to some extent. I fear my other family trying to kill each other to settle their own disputes. I fear them getting killed in the years to come."
"And what about SS?"
"I don't know." Again with the head in his hands.
"You do know. You're just not letting yourself admit it. There's a reason why you can't let go of him."
"Yes."
"So what is it? You know it's more than just the cat."
"It's because he represents a part of my life that did fly away. That I spent time on. That I cared for. And now he's gone and he won't be coming back."
"Like the ducks."
He nodded.
"And Mr. V? And your wife?"
"I'm afraid that they'll go the way of him. That if they leave me, I don't think I can accept that their gone."
"So you don't want her to be worried about you?"
"Worry leads to doubt. I was thinking..of stepping down from Mr. V's service while he's like this because I'm worried about him. And if my emotions to him are absorbed by Draco and Narcissa, then what if they feel like stepping away from me? Thinking I'm doing them a favour? The circumstances are different. I can't afford them to leave me."
I watched him for a time. It was almost imperceptible, but I could see his shoulders begin to shake, his face still hidden.
"I don't want to end up like mother, alone in a cell. I don't want that to be my future."
"And that's why you took the writing implement so hard?"
"They would deny her words. They would deny her anything. Just as they would deny me if I ever ended up like that."
"Your wife loves you. Do you really think she would leave you?"
"Yes. She would. I love Mr. V., but I'm thinking of leaving him."
"For your own good."
"And maybe she'd leave for her own good. Maybe that's why she's pushing me into standing down from him. So she can have the courage to step away from me."
"Do you really believe that?"
He didn't answer. He was breathing too hard. I reached down and pushed the tissue box over to him.
"Maybe it is your fear talking." And really, that was the cause. Fear. Stress. It all added up to me now. Everything he had done before, he had done to prevent a crumbling organization to keep from falling on his head. He seemed to be holding the shaking foundations up on his shoulders. And from the root cause, there could come the solution.
The man needed more therapy. But he needed confirmation. And as I watched this reputed monster cry before me, I knew that I wouldn't turn away from this case. We had reached an epiphany today. And to back down now would cost him more in the end. I wouldn't do that to him.
I watched as a pale hand reached out and grabbed ahold of one of the tissues.
After he left, I grabbed a shot of whiskey from the bottle. Jotting down the day's notes, I managed to go through the rest of the day without a hitch. It wasn't until I was ready to go home that I stopped in the middle of my waiting room.
I took down the portrait of the rotting tree and barn and threw it in the dumpster when I got home.