- Chapter 4: Beta

When you dream, it may seem real, but nothing that happens to you in a dream is actually happening. There's no danger, no release, no cohesion. It's really just pointless escapism. Nothing could be more pathetic than to just dream your life away, but that's exactly what it means to be unconscious of your own abilities. You live in a kind of dream, where the real you is wasting away.

I guess the upshot of all this is that it shouldn't be surprising that what I most wanted for Haruhi was to wake her up. For her to sleep through her own dream without ever realizing that it was her dream would somehow be the greatest waste. I believed this, at least in a sense, and I told Yuki that. Yuki then told me that Haruhi would never become aware of her "dream" as long as I was hanging around, and I wondered about that.

"So," I said. "I can just tell her anything I want, and it won't matter?"

"Correct," Yuki replied.

"That's a relief," I added. "I was worried there. I mean, I do have a way of rubbing off on her, you know?"

Yuki seemed a little puzzled at this addition. Yuki isn't often puzzled for this long, so it made me think again.

"Then again," I admitted, "maybe it isn't such a good idea."

"Would it be permissible to try?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" I said.

"If I could arrange a demonstration," she explained.

"Can you do that?" I asked.

"I will consider it," she answered.

Of course, memories are much like dreams in the sense that you have to believe that they're real, or else the memory may as well just be a story. There's a weird kind of irony at work here, in that I was asking Yuki to wake Haruhi from her dream, and all without realizing that it was from within a kind of dream of my own.

- x -

Later that evening, I found myself talking to the older Mikuru.

"Is this about that time quake or whatever?" I asked her.

"Right," she replied.

"So," I asked, "should I get dressed? I don't suppose you want me walking around in my pajamas."

"Sorry," she said. "I'll turn around for a moment while you get dressed."

She turned around as I went to the closet.

"I hope we aren't creating the time quake ourselves," I said.

"Oh jeez," she said. "Don't say that."

Somehow, this thought fixed itself in my mind, and I just couldn't get past it. The feeling that it was right was palpable.

"Why not?" I asked. "This space is related to it, and we're the most obvious part of it. It only makes sense."

She told me, "I think we should just be aware of the possibility and stay on guard for it. But I seriously doubt that you're right. I feel that there's something we're meant to do. Don't ask me how I know."

"Okay," I said, putting on my school uniform.

In retrospect, I think Mikuru had simply become confused. It's not hard to understand why, but the thought that we were about to screw up something was still lingering in my mind. Behind the thought was this feeling of real danger. It seemed to me that we were about to help destroy the world.

"We need to decide how far back to go," she added.

"You don't even know that?" I asked.

"Sorry," she answered, "but I don't think the exact time is really important. We just need to look for signs of the impending time quake."

"Okay," I said. "How about twenty years ago?"

"Why twenty?"

"It sounds nice, don't you think? That'll also give us plenty of time to create a lot of paradoxes."

"I don't want to create paradoxes. How about ten years?"

"That should be fine. Yeah. Sounds good."

"I hope we don't bump into anyone we know."

I had finished changing, so I thought for a moment about what else we might need.

"You can turn around, now," I said.

"Okay, thanks," she answered.

I took out my umbrella as she turned around.

"You look nice in your uniform," she said.

"I think it looks stupid," I said, very seriously. "It's uncomfortable, too."

I don't think Mikuru was ready for this response, and I felt a little bad for saying it so bluntly, so I silently apologized.

"So, are we ready?" I asked.

"Let's go," she said.

I had been agitated at the thought that we were making a huge mistake, enough that it didn't even bother me that I had found my shoes next to my desk. I think if I had been a little more calm and detached from myself, I might have avoided the problems that did arise, but that's the way it goes sometimes.

- x -

I sat at the bench at the rainy bus stop, as the bus pulled away. Talking to the strange, anonymous woman had helped me calm down considerably, and it put me in a much better mood, to think that maybe at least someone was getting something out of my excursion to the past.

"How did you know I worked in Public Relations?" Mikuru asked.

"You do?" I said.

"Yeah," she answered.

"I didn't know that," I said. "I just guessed."

"Do you really have no money?" she asked.

"Like I said, I'm flat broke," I replied. "Plus, I don't know if my money is any good here."

"Money is no problem. I have major denominations from earlier this decade."

"I guess that makes sense."

"Do you really not have any money?"

"No. I don't."

I took out my wallet, then reached into my pockets.

"That's weird," I said, finding a piece of paper in my pocket.

I took it out and considered whether I should read it out loud. At first, it seemed like a mistake, but then I realized that it might be a hint at avoiding whatever trouble was to come, and Yuki wouldn't give me a note to read in this situation that was private unless she clearly warned me at the start of the note to keep it to myself.

"'I apologize for misleading you,'" I read. I then explained, "It's a note from Miss Nagato. There was a note earlier that just said to be careful, but..."

"Should I really be hearing this?" Mikuru wondered.

"It's okay," I replied. "I don't think there's any problem in you hearing it. 'Haruhi Suzumiya was disappointed because she had become desperate for your affection and grieved at the suggestion that you had felt betrayed by your mother. She projected her own inability to consider your data onto you, and became tormented from anticipated derision.'"

"Good heavens..." Mikuru interjected.

I was certain that Yuki had really meant for her to hear this note. It made a lot of sense that way. Somehow, Yuki could see that it would be a mistake for Mikuru to not show me the potential future.

I sighed and admitted, "I really had no idea. God, what a thing to have to read about. 'If there is a danger, it will arise from an unwise interaction with Mikuru Asahina, insofar as Haruhi Suzumiya will be unexpectedly observing. Please do your best. I look forward to our next encounter.'"

"Unwise interaction?" Mikuru wondered.

"Don't ask me," I answered.

"I think you really owe it to Miss Suzumiya to return her feelings," she told me.

"I am, actually," I answered.

"That's good," she said.

"The thing is," I complained, "if she would have just been more honest with me, there wouldn't have been any problem in the first place. It's kind of annoying."

I wasn't just saying that, either. I think my hands were trembling with anger at the thought of what might have happened, simply because Haruhi was too shy to tell me how she felt. I was just thinking that this piece of paper should burst into flames when it disintegrated in my hands.

"Well, that's convenient," I said, thinking that Yuki was mocking my anger, even now. "One less thing to worry about."

- x -

At the coffee shop, I had just discovered from Mikuru about that anonymous woman and her "special" daughter, and it made me start to panic a little. Haruhi had been unexpectedly observing my interactions, and Mikuru had been with me at the time, so it made sense to think that Yuki had been warning me about that.

"Did I just mess up the future, there?" I asked.

"I doubt it," Mikuru replied.

"I mean, maybe I just made her realize that she's not really happy with her life, and now she'll make some crazy change like get a divorce, or something."

"You really know how to look on the negative side of things."

"But didn't Miss Nagato tell me...?"

"Miss Nagato warned you against 'unwise' interactions, not against being charming and courteous."

"I'm really worried. Maybe that was why the time quake occurs."

"Maybe, but I have a feeling that isn't the case."

So, far we'd been operating a lot by her feelings. At least she was being open about it.

"Really?" I asked.

"Yeah," she replied.

"Okay," I said, thinking that I should calm down. "Yeah. I believe you. You know, lately I've been learning a lot about emotions and how to trust your instincts."

"You have?" she asked.

"Yeah," I answered. "I don't think I'd have confessed to Haruhi if I hadn't suddenly been listening to my feelings."

She then sincerely added, "Well, good for you."

And now that this part was over, I think Mikuru was starting to pick up on my feeling of dread. Maybe it began giving her second thoughts about what we were doing here, because she started to become reluctant to discuss going back to the future.

- x -

After the short conversation at the coffee shop, we took a stroll through the park. Mikuru looked strangely expectant, though she did manage to start an awkward conversation.

"You still haven't met her mother?" she asked.

"Haruhi avoids the subject," I replied. "I can't even raise the topic without her getting mad about it for some weird reason."

"She won't even tell you why you can't meet her mother?"

"I think Haruhi is ashamed of her mother."

Haruhi is ashamed of her mother, of course, but only in the perfectly ordinary sense that she can already see a lot of her mother in herself, and it's been making her disgusted with herself.

"That seems a little unfair. She's met your mother but you haven't met hers?"

"I have now."

Mikuru then gave me a look like she'd just caught me cheating in a card game.

"Yeah," I admitted, "it probably doesn't count."

"If you're both in love with each other," she said, "what's the problem?"

"I know," I answered. "Sometimes, I really wonder if she is in love with me."

"Are you starting to doubt what Miss Nagato told you?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "But we do fight a lot."

"Really?"

Then there's the fact that she never tells me how she feels. It makes it hard to believe she really does have feelings for me, melodramatic notes to the contrary or not.

"This is why I have no money. We chased each other all over Japan for the last few days. I always feel obliged to pay, since it really is my fault."

"So you haven't even...?"

"Are you seriously asking me...?"

"I mean, I'd have thought for sure you'd have kissed by now."

I laughed and then said, "Oh. You had me confused. No, we've done that plenty of times. I just..."

"Oh..." Mikuru said, blushing a little.

"Sorry," I said. "I guess it's no big deal for you, right?"

"Actually..." Mikuru admitted.

"I'm sorry. I promise not to bring it up again."

"That's all right."

- x -

At the infamous baseball game, Mikuru scanned the game for signs of changes. She then struck up a conversation with me to pass the time for a minute.

"You're pretty close with Miss Nagato, right?" she asked.

"I suppose," I replied.

"You're friends?"

"Yeah."

"I notice you don't call her 'Yuki.'"

I sighed and admitted, "To be honest, I've been meaning to call her that since last Monday. I can't bring myself to close up that distance between us, though. I'd feel like I was betraying Haruhi."

"So," Mikuru realized, "this is more than just about being polite."

"I guess I've been kidding myself," I added, thinking my excuses were a little ridiculous at this point.

"She strikes me as the kind of person who'd appreciate it."

"You mean Yuki?"

"Yeah."

"You're probably right. I feel like I owe it to her."

- x -

A little later that evening, Mikuru and I were back at the park, sitting at a bench.

"Aren't we finished?" I asked her.

"We'll know in about five minutes," she replied, "I think."

"Okay," I said, "because I'm starting to get really tired."

"I forgot you were asleep right before we left," Mikuru added.

"I don't think I could sleep, but I am tired."

"Hang in there. We're almost finished."

"That's good."

"You're going to be too tired for school."

"I always sleep through classes. It's no big deal."

"You're such a delinquent."

I felt a little insulted by that, but then I looked and noticed she was just kidding.

"Doesn't Miss Suzumiya usually wake you?" she asked.

"Yeah, usually," I replied. "She's on a trip to Paris, though."

"Oh, so this is when she she took that trip?"

"Yeah. I expect her to be there this evening."

"Okay, now I'm a little worried."

"Why? Did you read about that incident in Haruhi's diary?"

"Yeah. I have to admit, I did mainly get it for that entry."

"So, can you talk about it?"

She then went a little pale and admitted, "It terrifies me. I hate to even think about it."

"Okay," I said, "I'm sorry I brought it up."

"Well," she added, "she called it a dream, but I'm starting to get the feeling it really might have happened."

"What?" I asked. "Does she shoot flames out her eyes and blast people?"

"I..." she started, then said, "I really can't talk about it."

"Okay," I said. "I'll be extra careful if I bump into her in Paris."

"I'm jealous, though," she admitted. "I mean, she did nothing to deserve it, but she's off having the time of her life in Paris. It's so irritating. I never get to go anywhere romantic like that."

I was only half-listening, just starting to doze off. I didn't realize it, but seeing her face drawn with worry and doubts just made her seem all the more beautiful, and it gave me a weird feeling of calm. I told myself, what could possibly go wrong with such a beautiful woman in charge of the matter?

"I do have to admire her, though," she added. "She cooks and cleans. She minds the house and takes time to make friends. She keeps her grades up. She hardly ever gets into any real trouble. She may decide to become a penny-pinching tycoon, but I doubt that's her fault."

I awoke at that moment and was a little startled to see Mikuru leaning toward me with a look of blank expectation on her face. It seemed like an invitation, and I was a little overwhelmed. I then relaxed and tilted my head, closing my eyes just as my lips met hers. We kissed like that for a few moments until I heard Haruhi's voice from out of nowhere.

"What's going on here?" Haruhi asked. "Mikuru, have you lost your mind?"

Mikuru recoiled in alarm and softly said, "What?"

Haruhi turned to me, and I noticed her bathed in a strange light. She started to look angry, and softly said, "What the hell? You unbelievable bastard."

"What the...?" I said, suddenly wondering whether this was all just a dream.

Mikuru furiously tapped away at something that was barely visible to me on her wrist, while Haruhi continued to glow brighter and brighter. It occurred to me about a moment too late that I should apologize, and I often wondered what would have happened had I done that. It probably wouldn't have made a difference.

- x -

Mikuru and I shortly appeared in front of my house in the middle of the night, trembling and panicking. It then dawned on me that few things could be more unwise than kissing Mikuru right after having been warned not to do something like that.

"Oh God!" she softly exclaimed.

"Calm down," I said, trying to calm myself. "I think we've just figured out where that time quake really came from."

"Please tell me that didn't really happen," she softly begged me.

"I'm afraid it did," I answered. "Serves me right for fighting with her all this time."

"Okay..." she said. "I'm calming down..."

"This is really bad, though," I admitted. "I can't believe I actually had a moment like that, but then..."

"I didn't expect it to be like that," she added. "Oh, jeez. We actually did create the time quake. I should have listened to you."

"No, I think you were right," he said. "I was meant to help Haruhi's mother. I don't doubt that, but the rest of it is a problem."

"Okay..." she said. "Yeah, you're right. Maybe we can fix it."

"How?"

"I think if we can just create another time plane..."

"You mean, introduce a paradox?"

"I'm pretty sure there's at least one paradox at work here, already. Another one isn't going to matter a whole lot."

"Okay, so maybe we can return to the past and fix this."

She looked at her wrist and tapped away on something faintly visible.

"No," she answered, "that's no good. She's cut off the whole past. I can't get through."

She continued to tap away at her wrist.

"Oh, come on!" she exclaimed, getting seriously irritated.

"What?" I asked.

"I can't seem to contact the future, either! There's some kind of temporal rift, blocking my signals."

"This is bad."

"Maybe I broke it when I brought us here."

Mikuru was getting a little crazy, and that made me realize that things could get a whole lot crazier if things continued this way.

"I think we'd better get inside before the neighbors start to notice," I said.

"I think you're right," she admitted.

- x -

Mikuru and I softly entered my bedroom, and she recoiled at the sight of Yuki, who was waiting in the darkness. I turned on the light.

"Hey, Yuki," I said. "Were you waiting for me?"

"I told you to be careful," she said.

"Sorry," I answered.

"Perhaps it was unavoidable," she added. "This time plane was always of great interest to the Data Integration Thought Entity."

"You talk about it like it's already past," I noticed.

Yuki cryptically explained, "I do not possess the ability to subconsciously arrange temporal data anomalies in my memories. I am only currently capable of conscious synchronization with the underlying temporal phenomena."

"Please tell me you understood that," I said to Mikuru.

"Sorry," she answered.

Yuki turned to Mikuru and said, "It's unimportant that you understand. This particular deviation is partly my responsibility. That being the case, I offer to permit you to reside at my base of operations until the future temporal rift is cleared."

"That makes sense," I said.

"I don't know about this," Mikuru warned.

"Well," I answered, "you can't stay here. I don't think my mother would care for it too much. You know, me hanging around with a woman. Especially after what just happened."

"That was a mistake," she said.

I looked down at the floor and did a double-take as I noticed Shamisen, looking up at me in apparent cat-like interest.

"Yeah, it was," I agreed. "I need to think of a way to correct it."

"The only feasible solution is to create another temporal anomaly," Yuki said.

"How do I do that?" I asked her.

"You will need to instruct me to direct both the Mikuru Asahinas," she explained. "This one, and the one you will instruct to transfer your data."

"I can't just return to the past and fix this myself?" I asked.

"It's possible," she replied, "however, you do not possess the ability to travel in time by yourself. The only reasonably certain solution would have to involve the Mikuru Asahina who has not already caused the previous temporal phenomenon." She then turned to Mikuru and added, "This Mikuru Asahina might create a causality feedback loop that would become impossible to fix."

"Okay," I said, thinking quickly, "so I'll write you a letter and give it to the younger Miss Asahina to take back in time to just before the closed space appears here."

"Correct," Yuki said. "You should also instruct me to destroy that letter, to avoid a further paradox."

- x -

That afternoon I went to the club room, and I noticed that it was strangely quiet. I was a little surprised to see younger Mikuru and Koizumi playing a board game while Yuki read a book. It made me briefly wonder whether I hadn't really dreamed all that craziness.

"Hey everybody," I said.

"Hello," Koizumi greeted me.

"So, Yuki..." I said. "Did last night actually happen? Should I really go through with this?"

"Yes," she answered.

I sighed and added, "I thought so."

"What are you talking about?" Koizumi asked, his surprise fairly evident.

"I take it you haven't noticed the temporal rift in the future," I said.

Mikuru turned away for a few moments, then looked strangely back at me.

"How on Earth did you...?" she started.

"Okay," I said. "I guess that means I really didn't dream all that weird stuff last night."

"What happened?" he asked.

"Well," I said, "what's important is not what happened. What's important is that I have a plan to take care of it."

"Does it involve time travel?" he asked.

"Yeah," I answered.

"Well," he said, "I'll help in any way I can."

I didn't really need his help, but I briefly thought that his insights might prove to be valuable, in any case. So, I decided to brief him on the matter.

"Great," I said. "Okay, last night, a closed space appeared in my bedroom. It permitted me to access the past previous to the time quake from four years ago."

"In your bedroom?" he wondered.

I honestly had no idea why it appeared there. It was very strange. I could only conclude that Haruhi or Yuki must have created it, but how and for what reason, I couldn't tell.

"You want me to travel back to last night?" Mikuru asked.

"Well," I said, "I want you to go to two in the morning and deliver this letter to Yuki. She'll be at her apartment."

I gave a sealed envelope to her.

"And those are your instructions?" Koizumi guessed.

"Right," I replied. I then told Mikuru, "Don't open it. Just do whatever Yuki says."

"Okay," she answered.

"Thanks a lot," I said.

"No problem," she said.

"And this will resolve the temporal rift in the future?" Koizumi asked.

"Not exactly," I replied.

"So..." he prompted, obviously wondering what it really was about.

"I think it may be related," I explained, "but I definitely need someone to fix this thing in the past."

"Miss Nagato," Koizumi asked, "is this really what happened last night?"

"Yes," Yuki replied.

"So, is it possible to verify this?" he asked. "I don't think we want to mess something up."

"I cannot do that," she stated.

"Why not?" he asked.

Yuki explained, "Because I do not possess that data in this temporal plane. There is nothing to confirm."

I think it then occurred to me that I wasn't really fixing my own problem, but really just creating a world where this problem I had created would be fixed. To think that Yuki had thought this far ahead made me wonder about her, and it gave me a whole new respect for her.

"Oh, wow," Koizumi said. "I think I just got a chill down my spine."

"Me too," Mikuru said.

I asked her, "So, do you have any questions?"

"Yes," she said.

"What is it?" I prompted.

"I'm going to create a time plane, right?" she asked.

"I think so," I answered.

"Oh jeez..." she said, probably getting that chill again.

"Sorry," I said.

"It's okay," she told me. "I'll get right on this."

Mikuru then left the room.

"Can you tell me why the temporal anomaly occurred?" Koizumi asked. "I mean, the one from four years ago."

"I think it was my fault," I answered.

"Okay, so where does that leave the rest of us?" he asked.

"I don't know," I replied. "In the same boat as me, I guess."

"Well," he added, "if the world suddenly comes to an end, it'll be nice to at least know who to blame."

"I don't think the world is going to suddenly end," I said.

"Miss Nagato?" he asked. "What do you think?"

Yuki said to me, "There is a problem of a far more serious nature than these temporal phenomena. I'm not certain that we will witness it in this time plane, but it will make sense to prepare, nevertheless."

"Is there anything we can do to help?" I offered.

"You can rescind your willingness to make Haruhi Suzumiya aware of her true powers," she answered.

"It's that dangerous?" I asked.

"As I said," she explained, "there will be a demonstration, but that will not be necessary if I can persuade you now to change your intentions."

"If it's temporary," I said, "I don't really see the problem. You might persuade me to rethink my wish if the demonstration is convincing."

"That is my hope," she said.

"So," I concluded, "we'll give it a shot. And if Haruhi doesn't end the world, then maybe I'll give up on this crazy dream of letting her know about her powers."

And if she did end the world, that would settle the matter as well.

"Exactly when will this demonstration be finished?" Koizumi asked.

"Tomorrow morning," Yuki replied.

"That's good," Koizumi said.

"Why is that?" I asked him.

"I'm going to need to keep it a secret," he explained. "My superiors would probably want you dead if they knew about it."

- x -

Later, when I found myself at a busy sidewalk near a park in Paris, I put on my shoes and stood next to where Haruhi was sitting.

"It's cold here," I complained.

"You should have brought your jacket," she said.

"You mind explaining what I'm doing here?" I asked her.

She laughed and observed, "You look like you just got dragged out of bed. That's awesome."

"I'm glad you find it amusing," I said, getting irritated at the unexpectedly cold weather.

"Sorry," she said. "You want to go back home?"

"No," I answered. "I was kind of expecting this to happen."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

And now that Haruhi had brought me here, I silently apologized for what she was surely about to witness from the past (a stranger thing to have to apologize for, I cannot imagine), and settled in my mind that I was truly chosen. I wasn't about to play her "I'm better than you" games, but I did resolve that picturing Mikuru of any form in a romantic way was a bad thing. Maybe I could look, but touching was definitely off limits. I did all this silently, because this is just Haruhi's dream, after all. To her, it's a dream, at any rate.

It did briefly occur to me that I could apologize out loud and in that way possibly prevent the disaster of the past, but when I stopped and thought about it, it seemed like a ridiculous notion. Haruhi was already having trouble believing in her powers. How could she possibly believe that something so strange and elaborate could be possible for me? The more I thought about it, the less likely it seemed that she could even find out about the past, though I knew for sure that she did, somehow. I then resolved to not say anything about it myself, and that would surely prevent her from traveling to the past in the first place. And, if the situation was out of my hands, that just meant that an apology wouldn't matter anyway. In that case, I would just have to say, "Whatever happens, happens," and just live with it.

Of course, I'm not even sure how I knew that Haruhi was going to travel to the past in the first place, but it just seemed obvious for some weird reason.

- x -

We wandered another busy sidewalk, and I followed a couple steps behind her as she explained how she might use her unexpected powers.

"Imagine if I pulled the moon out of the sky and crashed it into the earth..." she said, looking up at the moon, which was peeking out from between the clouds.

"That's crazy," I said, my mind reeling. "Jeez. Don't even think it."

"Okay," she said. "Yeah, it is scary. I'm not going to go crazy."

"Thanks," I said.

"So, what do you want to do?" she asked me.

"What do you want to do?" I answered.

"What do you think?" she said, frowning.

I was unprepared for this direct approach, and I was a little shocked, though I had been wondering if the night could turn romantic. Mikuru's earlier warnings had made me jumpy, expecting Haruhi to start destroying things at any moment.

"You aren't going to pick a fight with me this time, are you?" she asked.

At this, I was a little mortified to realize that every time she'd wanted an intimate moment with me, I'd picked a fight with her.

"No," I answered.

"Okay," she said, smiling. "Let's go."

- x -

Later in the dark hotel room, I went to a desk and picked up a spoon from the serving tray. I bent it around a bit with my mind.

"Jeez," I softly said. "Give me a break."

Haruhi stirred and said, "Hey, kitty. What are you doing here?"

I looked around and saw Haruhi holding up Shamisen, and I was stunned to silence.

"What are any of us doing here?" the cat answered. "Life is a dream, right?"

I momentarily wondered if I was dreaming all this, and I slowly approached the bed.

She softly laughed and said, "Hey, Kyon. It's a talking cat."

"I have a bad feeling about this," I said, thinking of how nosy this cat could be.

"All right," Haruhi told him. "Out with it. Has Kyon been a naughty boy?"

"Oh, hell yeah," he replied. "Just yesterday, he was making out with that older female in the past. I was so mortified."

The damn cat delivered this with such authority, you'd have thought he had witnessed it.

"Really?" Haruhi said, her voice getting grim and serious.

Shamisen then looked at me and said, "What? You want me to lie to her? I can't do that. I'm a cat."