Chapter 10: Translations

Summary: Annie and Jeff attempt to speak the same language

Jeff felt his heart stop. Or did it stop? Wouldn't that mean he was dead? Maybe it was going so fast it just felt like it stopped? Was he dying?

Sophie continued on with her dadadadadadadadas. As Jeff's face transformed into further panic, she began to giggle.

Jeff stared at her a she started to turn from a pink to a light shade of purple.

"Are you okay? Can you breath? Oh my god, are you not breathing?" He hoisted her on his shoulder and began patting her on the back.

Annie stood there with the sippy cup watching the scene. Her stomach may have fluttered a little as she began to realize what was likely going through Jeff's mind.

She loudly cleared her throat. "Jeff, she's fine. She's just laughing. Probably because of that ridiculous face you were making." She walked over and sat down next to them on the couch.

Jeff's eyes widened as he leaned Sophie back to take another look at her. He began to notice his heart was in fact pounding. It felt like it was coming up into his throat. He wondered if Annie could hear it.

He addressed Sophie directly, using all his energy to affect an overly cocky pose, "Oh. So it's more of your usual hearty chuckle then?"

Sophie continued to cackle as tears formed in her eyes.

Jeff let out a breath.

Annie recognized that he was still freaking out. "You've heard her do that a million times. You now, when she finds something hilarious."

Jeff kept staring at Sophie as he placed her back on his lap, facing him. "Right."

"Are you okay?"

He responded in a low, even voice while not taking his eyes off Sophie. "Did you hear what she called me?"

Annie took a deep breath. "I know what you think she said, but that's not what she said."

He looked over at her with a puzzled expression.

Annie continued, "She's been playing around with her 'ds' lately…."

He lowered his voice to an almost whisper, "She said dada."

"She said dadadadadadadadada."

"Same thing."

"No, it's not. She would have no reason to associate that string of syllables with you. Babies don't inherently know what dada means."

Jeff let out a breath. "That makes sense."

Annie noticed his visible sense of relief. She began to twist the teal and pink pillow as she felt the need to continue to put him at ease. "She doesn't think you're her daddy, you know. She has a daddy."

He nodded, staring at Sophie as she began to come off her laughter high. He wiped some tears from her face with a tissue before giving her a kiss and placing her in a standing position on the floor. "There you go, munchkin." He glanced over at Annie. "Right. And what does she call that wonderful gentleman?"

Annie hesitated as she patted the pillow and moved it to the side. "I've been trying to get her to call him daddy."

"You mean, dada."

She pulled her legs up to her chest, leaning her chin on her knees. "I guess."

"And does she?"

Annie spoke softly and carefully as she locked eyes with him. "Not yet. But see that's part of why she's been saying those syllables. She's been saying them even when you're not around…."

Jeff sighed as he ran his hand through his hair. "You just said it doesn't mean anything to her. Yet clearly you have been teaching her that it does."

Annie moved her legs out and then sat up and crossed them under her so that she could lean in closer to him. "Yes, for her father. Again, she doesn't know what dada means. Eventually I'd like her to associate it with him. But right now she doesn't see him often enough for that to make any sense to her. So I think she's just randomly saying it."

Jeff cleared his throat as he handed Sophie her bear. He was careful to keep his tone breezy so as not to upset her. "And yet I spend significantly more time with her than he does."

Annie looked at him, attempting to read his face. She suspected he was intentionally keeping a neutral expression. "I know."

"And I've known her since she was eight weeks old. Way longer than he has." He patted Sophie lightly on the head, careful not to disrupt her curls.

Annie felt her voice catch. "Is that a problem?"

Jeff closed his eyes and mumbled, "Of course not. Goddammit."

"Jeff?"

He opened his eyes and watched as Sophie toddled over to the beanbag and flung herself onto it in a fit of giggles. He was relieved she didn't seem to understand what they were discussing.

He kept his eyes on her as he asked his next question, "What should she call me? We need to come up with something."

Annie cocked her head to the side as she scooted closer to him. She placed her hand on his arm. "It doesn't matter. She'll call you whatever she wants to call you." She affected a light tone as she continued, "You don't see me trying to make her call Troy Uncle Troy do you?"

Jeff closed his eyes again and rubbed his forehead. "I don't think you understand what I'm getting at. I'm not Troy."

She began to feel more uneasy as she guessed where this was heading. She strongly wished he wouldn't over think everything, especially when it pertained to Sophie.

She started to feel her stomach drop as she remarked, "I know."

He kept his eyes closed, a pained expression on his face. "Do you? And I don't want to be Uncle Jeff. That just sounds…."

Annie tapped his arm as she interjected, "It doesn't matter. She'll come up with something. Let's not make a big deal out of it."

Jeff opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling for a moment. "My dad wasn't a good guy."

She felt a shiver come over her at the abruptness of this disclosure. "I know."

"No, you don't."

"You've alluded to a few things…."

Jeff grimaced as he looked over to her. "You don't know. And my mom's boyfriends, while a significant improvement, weren't that great either. They treated her like crap. And in the best-case scenarios, they just ignored me. But I still had to listen and watch how they treated her. And my dad, well, he was…."

Annie grabbed his hand. "Jeff…."

He looked down at their hands. "I don't know how to be, you know, a decent person. A whatever-it-is I am to Sophie. You can't let anything bad happen to her."

Annie felt tears welling up in her eyes. "You would never hurt her. You know the Thursday thing wasn't about that, right? Jeff, I trust you with her safety. I always have. You look out for her. You would never, ever hurt her no matter what your dad did."

He looked over at Sophie, who was sitting on the floor flipping through one of her baby books. This particular book seemed to make various animals noises, including quacking sounds. He was glad she seemed occupied.

He glanced at Annie and asked softly, "How do you know?"

Annie choked back tears as she firmly stated, "I know. I told you last Christmas. You're a good guy. Maybe you don't believe that, but I hope you'll believe me."

Several beats of silence followed before Jeff got up the nerve to ask his next question, again in a hushed tone, "Then why are you insisting on an open relationship?"

Annie felt her breath catch. She couldn't understand how he could go from worrying about Sophie's safety to that. She opened her eyes wide. "Because that's what we decided was the most practical. We've discussed this. You don't do exclusivity. And that's okay. I'm glad you were honest with me."

Jeff let out a long sigh. He figured he'd just throw it out there. "How do you see me being a good guy while sleeping around with other women?"

She furrowed her brow, looking down as she seemed to ponder his question. "I don't think those things are connected."

"Oh come on."

She looked up at him. "They aren't. Again, as long as we're honest with each other. If we had a different arrangement, then that would be a whole other thing. Then you'd be sneaking around. But I can handle a lot if people don't lie to me. That's why I think you're a good guy and we can have an open arrangement."

Jeff smiled tightly for a moment before he continued "And why do you keep calling it an arrangement?"

Annie moved her hand over his and attempted to put him at ease. "I don't understand why you're upset. I thought we were on the same page."

He looked her in the eye and gripped her hand. "Let's just call it a relationship, Annie."

Her eyes widened as she startled at his sudden directness. "Relationship?"

He let out a long sigh as he removed his hand and slapped his knee. "Come on, it won't kill us to use that word, will it?"

Annie looked down and mumbled, "Fine."

He stared at her in exasperation. "Goddammit. I'm not sleeping with other women."

She bit her lip as she looked back up. "I know."

"You do?"

"But see, you can."

He hunched forward, placing his elbows on his knees. He stared off at the wall, shaking his head. "See, you don't expect things from me. That's not okay."

She stared at him, dreading where this conversation was going. She started to feel a panicky sensation, wanting him to just stop.

He continued as he kept his eyes on the wall. "You deserve so much more than that. You are amazing. You deserve someone who adores you and puts you above all of that other crap."

Annie felt the sensation of something pushing up from her chest as her mouth began to quiver. "I'm fine. It's all fine. I like what we have."

He shook his head, continuing to avoid her gaze. "I never pictured myself with kids. Not after what I went through. I just didn't see how that could be a pleasant experience. And yet here you are with a kid."

Annie nodded as she felt tears begin to flow freely down her face. "Okay."

He watched Sophie as she tossed the book aside and grabbed Ruthie. He said in a softer voice, "Did you know I found one of her rice puffs in my Lexus the other day? It was stuck in between two of the back cushions."

"Jeff…"

"Right next to where we put her carseat when I drive you guys. Do you know how many hours I've probably spent putting that damn thing in my car? We keep moving it back and forth…"

Annie felt her voice shake, "So is this it, then?"

Jeff suddenly turned and looked at her. He was startled to see her face was all wet. "Huh?"

Her mouth continued to quiver as she attempted to suppress her sobs. She felt something begin to break inside of her. "You don't want to do this anymore?"

Jeff's eyes widened as he hastily explained, "Oh God, no. That's not what I meant."

She choked down a sob. "What?!"

Avoiding her gaze, he muttered under his breath, "I don't want a fucking open relationship, Annie. And maybe I should just get my own goddamn carseat."

With that Jeff got up, grabbed his keys, and walked out.

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Annie sat in stunned silence for a minute. She didn't quite know how to process what Jeff had just revealed. Of course she suspected he wasn't seeing other women. He spent a lot of time with her and she didn't really see Jeff Winger as the type of guy who'd be out every night. He was way too crabby and solitary to do that all the time even if he pretended he did with most people. But Annie knew she wasn't most people. Jeff let her into his life in ways he likely never had with anyone else before.

And she knew him well enough to realize he was likely in some sort of anxiety spin right now. It was probably a good thing he left. When he was like this further discussion would not be productive.

She began to let his words sink in. She had been convinced for a few moments that he had been breaking up with her, saying it was all too much. But that's not what he was saying. She ran through everything he had shared and felt her stomach drop.

Was he saying he wanted more? That he wanted her to expect more of him? Was that something they could even do?

She was roused from her thoughts by Sophie, who earnestly wanted her to join her in playing with her stuffed animals. As Annie scooted off the couch to the floor, Sophie grabbed her bear and toddled off toward the front door where Jeff had gone.

Annie wiped her cheek and got up to fetch her daughter.

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Eventually Jeff came back. It was his apartment, after all. Annie noticed he had been gone for about forty-five minutes. During that time, he sent her one text saying he was going to the grocery store and would be back. He asked that she not leave.

Well at least that was something.

Annie sat on the couch with Sophie cuddled in her arms as she read her a book. She glanced up when he came back. He was lugging a couple bags, which he promptly placed on the kitchen counter.

"Hey."

Annie smiled weakly. "Hey."

"So I got some stuff for dinner. I know I said we'd order in but I realized I owe you a home cooked meal. Well probably zillions of them by now, but I'll start with one."

She noticed he was avoiding eye contact as he began emptying the bags while prattling on.

"And this way you can't mock me for my cooking skills. You will not know what hit you. You will be dazzled. You will bow down and apologize for your taunts. You will…"

"That sounds great."

He stopped as he placed a bunch of basil on the counter. "Oh. Um, yeah."

"Sophie and I are going to finish her book, and then just let me know if you need my help."

"I can do this. Let me show you."

"Okay."

They didn't talk over dinner about what had happened. Jeff cooked Annie a tasty pesto-cavatappi meal. Annie, conscious of his vulnerable state, didn't comment on the fact that he had made liberal use of carbs. The meal was supplemented with grilled chicken and anchovies on the side. Annie admitted she had never tried anchovies before, so she gamely had a taste before proclaiming them too salty. Jeff seemed bemused by the whole thing, and for a few minutes it seemed as if nothing had happened. They were feeling cheerful and he was teasing her, just as he always did. And they made sure to keep the conversation light, both out of a sense of the potential weight subsequent serious conversation might hold as well as the fact that Sophie was sitting there, smooshing her hands happily through her noodles.

Annie didn't let her try the anchovies.

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Later Jeff took them back to Dildopolis, insisting on walking them up to Annie's door. Annie entered the apartment with a drowsing Sophie over her shoulder. She threw her keys on the table and turned to face Jeff.

"Thanks for dinner. You were right. You are a pretty good cook. Not as good as me, but that would be a tall order."

He smirked, placing his hands in his pockets. "I know. Your modesty astounds me as always."

She smiled at him.

Jeff felt his heart rate begin to speed up. He took a deep breath as he leaned in the doorway. "I'm sorry about just running off earlier."

Annie gently placed Sophie down in the playpen, draping her blanket over her. She walked back over to the door and craned her neck so that she could catch his eye. "It's okay. I appreciated the text to let me know you weren't leaving the state."

Jeff chuckled as he rolled his eyes. "Oh come on, I wasn't that dramatic."

Annie shook her head. "I didn't say you were being dramatic. Just spinning out. And I didn't know how to help you."

"Help me?"

"You seem to be really caught up in some stuff that I know is a big deal. And if you want we can talk about it. But I want you to know that just because someone did something to you in the past doesn't mean you will do those things. And again, I know you would never hurt Sophie. And I think deep down you know you wouldn't either."

Jeff looked off toward the far wall. "Um hum."

"And I know you're worried about a bunch of things with us. It sounds as if you've been upset about how we've defined things."

He bit his lip, looking at the floor for a moment before he resumed eye contact. He hunched a little bit more in the doorway. "I said a lot of things."

"Did you mean them?"

There were several beats of silence. Jeff could really hear his heart rate now and was convinced Annie must be able to even if she couldn't earlier. He closed his eyes.

"Yes."

She cracked her neck further to gaze up at him. "You want us to be in a relationship?"

He opened his eyes. "We already are, Annie. Let's just admit it. For god's sake I have a blue and pink decorative pillow in my apartment."

She mumbled, "It's actually teal."

"Hum?"

She moved on, "And you don't want us to see other people?"

His eyes widened. "Jesus. I just assumed you weren't…."

She swatted at him several times with both of her hands. He took his hands out of his pockets and put them up to defend himself as he grinned.

She scoffed. "No, silly. When would I even have the time?"

He was never more relieved she had swatted him. Maybe he hadn't completely screwed this up.

He let out low laugh. "True."

Annie wondered if he knew what he was saying. He had been pretty clear in the past with her regarding his self-imposed limitations for relationship availability. She remembered well his other freak out (he seemed to have many) on New Year's Day when he gave her the rambling speech about how wrong he was for her.

She gulped before she ventured, "So?"

He looked at her and expounded with a sense of urgency, "I didn't mean I wanted anything to change. Maybe we can just be more honest about the whole thing. I'm not seeing other women, and I won't. I don't want to. And I guess it's important to me that you know that."

Annie nodded slowly as she looked down before resuming eye contact. "This could be a big challenge for you."

"I thought it would be. But it hasn't. That's kinda been the point in bringing this up."

He noticed her suspicious glare. "Don't look at me that way. I know, it's been a shocker for me as well."

She punched him lightly in the shoulder. "Ugh! You are impossible."

She then pushed her head against his chest as he wrapped an arm around her. She was aware of feeling a mixture of frustration and immense relief.

He gave her a kiss on the top of her head. "Okay, well, think about it. I'm gonna go. And regardless, I'll still watch Sophie on Thursdays.' He smiled tightly as she looked up.

She took a moment to appreciate his expression. Despite her initial misgivings, she knew she believed him.

"You said a lot about Sophie. And her father."

He shrugged. "Sorry. I guess hearing her say all those random syllables earlier just brought up something I think we're going to have to face sooner or later."

Annie let out a long sigh. "It's impossible to know though. What will happen with her and her father. Or what will happen with you and me. And I don't think we need to…"

"Annie, I know I tend to jump ahead. It served me well as a lawyer. And your past accusations of my paranoia are probably not ill-founded. But I maintain that we need to carefully consider…"

"Stop talking like a lawyer. Just shut up and stay."

"Maybe we should just let this settle and you think about it…"

Annie felt exasperated. "Jeff, I tend to have concerns about trusting my own judgment but look, you've convinced me. I'll admit we have been in a relationship. And so far it's been something I've really enjoyed. Outside of Sophie and maybe my fancy new purple pens, it's been my favorite thing."

He chuckled.

She continued, "And I know it's kind of an illusion that I can't get hurt again if we keep it open. That was pretty obvious to me earlier tonight when I realized that I would be hurt if we broke up."

"God, I'm sorry I gave you that impre…"

"Please. Let me finish. What that made me also realize is that I can't control everything. And I really like you. And I don't want you to see other women. So if you don't want to either then I think that's something I can get behind."

Jeff nodded as he cleared his throat. "So I guess we really try then?"

"I guess."

"Sounds good."

She began pulling him into the apartment. "Get in here, you big doofus."

"I probably need to attend to Thanos, but I'll be right back."

"He knows you're good for it."

"True."

Despite essentially agreeing that nothing needed to change, that they were merely being more honest with each other about what it was they were already doing, they both seemed to sense everything had changed.

And Jeff was pretty sure his next big purchase would be a carseat.