Chapter 10
Keepsake

Summary:
Roxas puts his energy into making and finishing Axel's gift.

The next morning wasn't so bad. Sex and sleep had improved Roxas' mood considerably, and almost erased the crushing disappointment from having been forced to miss out on the night before. In fact, in the light of a new day, Roxas was actually grateful that Vanitas had come home early. It had more than likely saved him from doing something really dumb. Because it would have happened. It always seemed to happen. He knew he must be hurting Axel terribly – a thought which caused a sting behind his eyes – but he couldn't seem to stop himself from going out and meeting with the other man when the opportunity presented itself.

It always amazed him how easily he got sucked into Axel's vortex of niceness. That's what he called it in his head. The man was a black hole, a siren song, a delicious red velvet cake, in desperate need to be eaten. As he lay in bed, Roxas felt the warm pleasantness of those thoughts flutter around in his body. A stirring next to him – a warm hand on his stomach – forced the door to slam shut in Roxas' head. He rolled over and wrapped arms and legs around Vanitas, who yawned.

"Morning." Vanitas' voice scratched with sleep.

"Morning," Roxas greeted and pressed a kiss to Vanitas' collarbone.

What followed was their usual weekend routine; a predictable pattern of events. Weekends meant sleep-ins, and leisurely sit-down breakfasts by their kitchen bar counter. After which, it was time to do the commencing week's grocery shopping. Even the way they shopped was very set in stone. Vanitas pushed the cart while Roxas went through aisle by aisle, collecting the ingredients Vanitas had listed.

By now, they were familiar enough with the supermarket that Vanitas was able to write all ingredients down in order of the aisle arrangements, which cut out pointless time spent meandering and backtracking.

Another very distinct thing was the contents of their shopping cart. They ate very healthily. Vanitas detested junk food, fast food, and sickly-sweet treats. His family's fridge had been filled with nothing but highly processed foodstuffs when he was younger, and take-out had been an almost nightly occurrence. Roxas understood why his boyfriend was scarred for life. He also understood why Vanitas had tried to stay over at Roxas' place for dinner as much as possible during their younger years; Roxas' parents had always made home-cooked meals. Even now, he still remembered Vanitas' shocked face on discovering that chicken came in other forms than just fried and that potatoes had actual shapes besides crinkle-cut and shoestring. So, they always ate and shopped for whole foods. It was fine, but Roxas always wistfully looked down the junk food and frozen dessert aisles as he passed them by.

Other than shopping, they did other thrilling things like tidy up their apartment. Vanitas was a bit of a neat freak. His parents had drilled it into him to always be tidy, so his neuroses didn't allow them to go a weekend without dusting the top of the refrigerator, washing all the linen, descaling the kettle, and scrubbing the bathtub – even if it hadn't been used.

Those were all chores that needed to be accomplished before the fun began. Weekend fun usually revolved around chilling out. They would talk about what had been happening at work for Vanitas, play some games with Cheshire, veg out on their sofa to watch stuff, and generally, the weekend just disappeared before Roxas was even fully aware of it, and that was all fine.

But this weekend was different. The days after he had spent any amount of time with Axel always felt different. The blissful life he had with Vanitas didn't feel as rosy after he had been caught up in Axel's orbit. Roxas hated himself for it. Hated that he couldn't spend time with Axel and then just be at home afterward – happy.

The contented life he had seemed to unravel. Vanitas' normally perfectly acceptable actions were tainted by ugly words not of Roxas' own making. He had heard it all before, and not just from Axel. But it had never made any serious sense until Axel had come into his life, and until these specific bruises on his body, which were beginning to lighten around the edges.

This hadn't been the first time that Vanitas had hurt him. This, in fact, was a pretty tame thing to have happen, but Roxas felt like this incident was the first where maybe, just maybe, it had been intentional. He kept telling himself that it was a once off. An accident. It would never happen again. Roxas tried to tell himself he wouldn't let it happen again. That he would leave. He needed some standards after all. But a voice whispered to him, 'Where would you go? What would you do?'

A bubbling disquiet made his stomach churn at those thoughts and he ignored them. Everything was fine. He would never have to leave. They would work things out eventually. Roxas just needed to try harder.

But the voice also whispered, 'How much harder can you try?' How responsible could Roxas really be for all that had happened in the past? It… wasn't his fault. Those words said in that voice – so distinctly Axel's – were like a salve, administered to his raw wounds. No one had ever said that to him before, because no one knew what had been happening in Roxas' life, though given the feedback he had gotten from the times he did speak to family and friends, he figured they must all suspect.

That kind of thinking was just the tip of the iceberg. He was bothered by many other disquieting thoughts as well that weekend. By Sunday evening, he still had things floating around his head whilst he was snuggled up with Vanitas on their sofa. He wasn't paying attention to what was happening on the television – not that it mattered because they were watching a movie he had no interest in. It only served to heighten all the unpleasant thoughts he had been having the last few days.

Roxas liked action-adventure movies. He liked dumb, mindless blockbusters with loud explosions - not these think-piece dramas Vanitas was into. And whilst on the subject, Roxas also liked sweets, and hated being unreasonably tidy. He enjoyed long baths, reading books, dancing the night away, and not caring what people thought of him. Though he did care about what Vanitas thought of him. He cared about what he thought of himself, and maybe even a little about what Axel thought of him. But only a little.

He pawed at Vanitas' stomach until Vanitas took notice and placed his hand on Roxas' own. Roxas laced their fingers together and stared at their hands. He loved holding hands. Vanitas wasn't too crash-hot on public displays of affection unless they were out partying - which was rare these last few years. When Roxas looked at their hands, all his mind wanted to do was replay quiet nights on a not-too-distant rooftop. A brush of fingertips, magnetically drawn to each other, and linking slender digits with his own.

His heart beat faster thinking back on the seductive tranquility that numbed his conscience every time he was alone with Axel. Roxas tried to tell himself time and time again that this attraction was only temporary. That he felt drawn to gorgeous eyes, sexy body, and ridiculously stunning hair because he was new, shiny, and not tainted with years of familiarity.

Logically, Roxas knew that to be the truth. But his heart did not want to listen on bad days, and sadly more commonly now, even on the good days. And that's why he needed to change something. But it was difficult when his heart wasn't in it.

He cuddled into the body next to himself. It all felt so different from how it had once been. The man he knew and loved had changed. Somewhere along the years, their interests and priorities seemed to have diverged. Vanitas had become far more preoccupied with status and outwardly appearances, which was something Roxas needed to conform with.

The current goth clubbing attire was a phase. Before that, they had gone out dressed like hipsters, buns and fake glasses included. Then before that had been a preppy look. Polos and sandals. Vanitas' tastes seemed to change from season to season.

At first, it had been fun. They had always pretended to be other people, acting out roles, to see what would fit best. But somewhere along the way, Roxas had decided he had enough of pretending and just wanted to explore his own style. It had coincided with him finally really finding a passion for the business he had been shoehorned into pursuing.

That thought brought Axel to mind again, and his line of questioning on the roof. It had hit way too close to home. But he didn't want to admit it to other people when he already had a hard enough time admitting it to himself.

As the movie ended and Vanitas began getting all handsy, Roxas wondered, not for the first or the last time, where it had all gone wrong for them. Was it that they didn't communicate enough? Roxas didn't think so. He had on many occasions told Vanitas what he wanted or how he liked things, particularly in the bedroom. But Saturday's late-night sex session aside, Vanitas always did his own thing. He would no doubt be doing his own thing again tonight, leaving Roxas completely dissatisfied and needing a shower the next morning with his mind completely filled with green and red.

Roxas looked forward to Vanitas going back to work tomorrow.

The work week returned and with it, the opportunity for Roxas to get back to his hobby. Or just as soon as he completed any outstanding household chores. Despite all the cleaning that happened over the weekend there was still stuff to accomplish each day during the week, or Vanitas would be most unhappy when he got home.

He made the bed, aired out the rooms, swept, and did any prep work that was needed for the nightly dinner. When he was done he bummed around on Vanitas' laptop, which they shared. There was always something fun, insightful, or inspiring to watch on streaming services. Roxas had taught himself everything he needed to know regarding sewing by watching videos online. He was rather proud of being able to pick things up relatively quickly, even if he sucked at mastering things.

Time escaped him when he watched videos. But eventually, he grew tired of it so went onto the social media account they both shared, to see what his friends and family had been getting up to back home.

As Roxas flicked through his cousin Sora's birthday party photos, he tried to tell himself that living like this was normal. Sharing one account between two people was normal. They had agreed early on in their relationship to never be apart again and to give their all to each other. There had been times when Roxas had complained and even gotten fired up about wanting his own things, particularly when they were free to sign up to. But it had never ended up working in Roxas' favor. Vanitas had always gotten upset – always lain on the guilt-trip, always shut Roxas out with nowhere to go. So, he had always chosen to let things be as they were, saving both of them a headache and heartache.

Roxas sent his cousin a joint birthday greeting from himself and Vanitas, logged off and went to sit at his sewing desk, staring blankly into space. He wasn't feeling it today. No amount of looking through his scrapbook helped. His mind kept on wanting to wander to his heart's addiction. He cast a glance down to his two-year-old phone laying before him. The afternoon was wearing on, so he wanted to be able to see his phone the instance it came alive with a call or message from Vanitas – he was very bored.

Some days he'd receive a text message asking to come meet Vanitas at work, so they could go home together, or sometimes go out for a work dinner, or just a meal for the two of them. Roxas was hoping for something like that to happen now. He liked the work dinners and meetings since he could be amongst other people. He never had anything to say to them, mind you, because he wasn't terribly interesting, nor did he have any idea about all the work-related conversations that went on. But he enjoyed the atmosphere nonetheless.

And some of Vanitas' work colleagues were quite nice too. Kadaj Voligny, for instance – he always talked to Roxas – when he wasn't speaking with Vanitas about stuff that sounded important. There was also Penny Holm, who had the best laugh Roxas thought he had ever heard – aside from Axel's, of course.

Roxas sighed and missed Axel's presence. His phone was silent for the time being, so Roxas picked through the pile of fabrics on his sewing desk. Inspiration was still not striking. Lack of motivation and boredom were getting to a point of such discomfort that he was considering calling his mother. He did that sometimes when things got extremely quiet.

She had gone into early retirement, since she had been able to afford it, and was now living the easy life. She would always fill up the time beautifully with mindless chatter about what luncheons she had been hosting, telling stories about the latest scandals and rumors that were circulating about their extended family members, and finding ten different ways of trying to rope Roxas into coming over for a visit. She was doing it less these days, but it was still something he supposed he should do. He hadn't seen his parents or extended family… or friends really, in about five years now. Vanitas' affairs seemed to take precedence over a lot of the yearly events Roxas was invited to.

He heard it then – Axel's voice, telling him things he didn't want to hear because it was all bullshit lies on good days, and painful truths on bad days. Vanitas was… loving, devoted, caring, hurt, deserving better, driven to things because Roxas wasn't good enough. He wasn't manipulative, he wasn't forcing his will on Roxas. Roxas just agreed with and saw the sense in Vanitas' words most of the time. And besides, sometimes things didn't look that great on the outside, but on the inside, everything was fine. Vanitas had often told him to not listen to other people. That they knew the truth of how they felt about one another.

He let those thoughts slide. He needed to stop procrastinating and get on with it. He turned and rolled away to his bigger desk space by the wall behind him, where he had the ability to spread out and properly plan his fabrics. But his phone buzzed and Roxas instantly whirled back.

16:24
Vanitas: Come meet me at work. We're going for an after-work coffee.

Roxas rejoiced as the tension in his body eased with the knowledge that the boredom would be alleviated.

16:24
Roxas: I'll be there!

It wouldn't take an hour to get there, but Roxas appreciated the leeway. He marched to the bedroom and got changed into acceptable attire – beige tailored jacket, plain white t-shirt underneath, and matching beige trousers. It was by far the most boring outfit Roxas possessed but it allowed him to blend into the wallpaper. He then ran into the bathroom to slick his hair back to look respectable. Roxas didn't care for it. He liked his hair au naturel, with just a spritz of hairspray to keep its shape. But Roxas didn't want to start a war. And besides, Vanitas had a point about leaving one's personality at the door when one went to work-related things.

He checked himself in the full-length mirror by the entryway, gave Cheshire a head rub, grabbed his keys, and headed out.

On days he was running late because he had been in the middle of making something, he caught the bus. But usually he was on time, so he could afford to take a leisurely stroll down the boulevard and be there within half an hour.

It wasn't just the fresh air Roxas liked. If he detoured ever so slightly down a side street to the next main road and crossed to the other sidewalk he would eventually walk straight past Organization 13. The first time he had been here it had looked so posh and intimidating, with its heavy doors and pristine veneer, that he had almost not gone in, having felt severely underdressed. But he had approached, lured by the music of the band he had been dying to see for several years, and had ventured inside.

It had been life-changing for him. Really. Or at the very least, it gave him a taste of something that could be life changing if he ever decided to take the chance.

Roxas continued down the boulevard. His feet were steadily heading down the road, towards the city's business and culture center, whilst his heart was tugging at him to go down the side street, which was soon coming up.

Roxas would have to make a decision. Some days he went that way but chose to walk past the outside with a longing look and an up-tempo beat to his pulse. He was trying to be faithful to Vanitas, but he wondered if he was doing enough. He couldn't shut his heart up, but at least he was trying not to give in to its every whim. Because if he had done that, he would have let himself be held forever in those long arms.

Roxas had hoped that not seeing Axel for a while would have made the burning desire simmer down somewhat. When Vanitas had joined him in Pensacola, Roxas had kept his distance from Axel. Physically and mentally. There had been many reasons for this. One was that Vanitas monopolized Roxas' time with sight-seeing in a new city. The other had been that Roxas had wanted to try and be the best he could be for Vanitas. But he had felt too awful about breaking his promise of going to the amusement park with Axel, that he had gone in to see the man, which hadn't ended too well.

That reaction from Axel had hurt and had made him really think about what he was doing to a perfectly nice guy. Roxas was forever hurting people and he was getting sick of it. He told himself that he had wanted to accept Axel's wish for Roxas to not come back to the bar… but then Vanitas had insisted on them going out and no amount of trying to dissuade or distract him had worked. Vanitas had chosen Organization 13 as their destination.

His determination to stay away had withered because of speaking with Axel again at that point in time. Even now, a few months later, Roxas noticed that he was still doing the same thing – staying with Vanitas when his heart was somewhere else. He still hoped that his feelings would die down somehow – but they only kept intensifying every time Roxas visited Axel. Despite the longing in his heart, Roxas found himself still staying with Vanitas because… because – he didn't want to keep doing whatever he was doing to Axel. As he walked on, he wondered if maybe he should give it one more proper go to forget his affections for the man who wasn't his boyfriend. Give it one more shot when his conscience was clear of guilt, and when he had nothing left to tie himself to the other man. Because surely, he hadn't been able to let go because he had felt so dreadful about missing Axel's birthday celebration. And now Axel was on his mind so much because of the jacket. If he could get it finished – and finished fast – then everything would be well again with Roxas and he could go back to trying to fix things with Vanitas.

Perhaps that would be best for everyone involved. Axel deserved better than Roxas. Vanitas also deserve much better. He would have to let go… eventually. He walked on, past the side street, determined to be as faithful and loyal a boyfriend as possible. For today anyway.

Several days passed before Roxas actually made headway on the jacket. He knew why he had been putting it off and finding it such a struggle to get going. It actually mattered to him what Axel would think of it, whereas with paying customers he had never been concerned. He just did his best and if people liked it, all the better. But this article of clothing was important to him.

He had well and truly spent weeks, and even months now mulling the project over in his head. Making imagination into a reality was daunting. Especially since he had nothing but a photograph to go off of. But he bravely pushed through his stage-fright and cut out the various patterns, hoping they would be a good fit. He used his memory of limbs around himself as a guide for how long and wide everything had to be. As he put the individual pieces together he felt more and more anxious. He wanted this to be perfect but given how he had no factual measurements to go by, the chance for error was very high.

Roxas considered calling Axel to get his measurements, and for some friendly, of-no-consequence banter, on the side. At like three in the morning… just to be a prick, and test how grumpy Axel got when woken from sleep, considering how hard it was for him to wake in the mornings. Roxas liked to imagine Axel being super grouchy. Oftentimes, a visual would play in his mind of Axel's morning hair probably looking like a raging bird's nest of a mess. He'd probably have trouble prying his eyes open, and Roxas bet Axel drooled in his sleep. The mental image always brought a smile to his face and a burbling laugh out of his chest. Yes, Roxas even thought about calling Axel to accuse him of all these imagined things just to see what the man's response would be.

The scissors he had been holding clattered onto the desk surface, snapping him out of his fantasy. That seemed to happen quite regularly nowadays. He'd be eating something, watching something, and be reminded of Axel, which sent his head off into space. While very nice, it was also worrying, because Vanitas noticed and had commented on what an airhead Roxas had become of late.

But worst of all were the questions regarding what he was doing in the sewing room at all kinds of hours of the day and night.

"Who's that jacket for anyway? You haven't gotten any job requests in a while," Vanitas had asked yesterday when he had come home to find Roxas staring at the blank space above his sewing machine, with his sketchbook wide open.

"Oh, hi, Van! Didn't hear you come in. How was work?" he had tried to deflect casually, whilst closing his book.

"Same old, same old. Who's the jacket for?"

"Huh? No one. Just practicing some new stitching techniques, and I'm going to use it for trialing some other stuff on it too." It hadn't even been a big lie. Half of it was true.

Vanitas had left it alone since then, but he still looked at him with grave suspicion when Roxas' faraway stare came to life.

He just needed to remember to not space out in Vanitas' company. But while it was just him and Cheshire, Roxas didn't see the harm in letting his mind wander. It particularly liked to wander during the early afternoons, thinking about when Axel would be waking up and whether Roxas should call him. The urge was significantly strong. He wished Axel hadn't given him such a tempting gold nugget.

He rolled his chair over to his sewing desk and pulled out his keepsake box. He kept the paper with the phone number there, with all the other precious things in his life. He found the number and looked at it. He wasn't going to memorize it. Doing so was to admit that there might be a need for it one day. There would never be a need. Axel had been silly and paranoid. It was really sweet. Roxas really appreciated the care and concern Axel showed towards him, but it was still completely unnecessary.

The paper was placed back in the box and Roxas surveyed his treasures. He fondled Lucifer's collar, really missing all the trouble and strife he got Roxas into, due to being recklessly fierce, and constantly looking for prey in dangerous places. Eyes trailed and landed on the long white scar running down his forearm. The years had faded it right out, but Roxas could still see it. It had hurt like hell at the time but was now a fond memory etched onto his body. It hadn't been the smartest idea to go crawling after Lucifer through hedgerows and down burrows, but boy, had it been fun.

Roxas went to close the box, but as he looked at the penguin and its egg he had to stop to pick it up. Axel had bought him this. Axel had let him choose something. Axel hadn't thought it dumb. Was it wrong for Roxas to think that he would have loved to see Axel follow through on the 'something stupid' he said he might do if he didn't walk away when he had? Yeah. It was probably very wrong. But Roxas couldn't stop wishing for it.

His head went back to that time at the zoo. He had said really regrettable things. Regrettable because he shouldn't have been feeling the way he did about Axel. Regrettable because he didn't follow through on his feelings. But maybe the biggest regret of that day had been the conversation with Kairi at the education center.

"Hey, Kairi!"

"Hey, Roxas, haven't seen you in a while. Been having fun?"

"Yeah. I was with Dee and Flik until I got distracted by the snow leopards and the cheetahs and then Axel found me and – well, we had a lot of fun on the way down here," he had smiled.

But Kairi had looked concerned with knit brows and pursed lips. She hadn't said anything but Roxas could have guessed what she had been thinking. So, he had naturally avoided the subject by distracting the both of them with an animal trivia game at one of the interactive stations.

With their combined knowledge they had been able to ace it, which had put Roxas in a good enough mood to ask what, in hindsight, he probably should never have asked. But he had wanted to indulge his fantasy.

"What was it like dating Axel?"

"He told you about that?"

"Yeah."

"Uh, well, we were young and inexperienced. We, for the most part, hung out every day. It wasn't up until a year of doing that, that one of my girlfriends asked me if we had done anything. Never really occurred to me that that's what was supposed to be going on," she had shrugged, while they had wandered around to some other areas in the center. "And Axel never pushed us being close. So, when I tried – you know, kissing and some heavy petting – it didn't go far. I caught onto Axel's sexual preference eventually and told him to stop using me to hide behind. So, I don't really feel like I can give you an answer as to what it's like dating him."

"Oh. But he's nice, right? You've seen him with other guys?"

"He hasn't had too many boyfriends. He seemed to get on all right with the ones who stick around for a while, I guess."

That had been a great point of interest to Roxas. "Why'd his relationships end?"

Kairi had given him a funny look and reluctantly spoke, "His go-to line is that he gets bored. I always assumed it meant the sex got stale, or he had his eye on someone else he wanted to have sex with."

Roxas still got an uncomfortable feeling in his gut remembering that response. "Oh," is all he had said.

Kairi had rounded on him, after that, and had spoken with gentleness but also a very distinct firmness, "Why're you asking me these things? You shouldn't be – I know it's not really my place – I don't know you that well, but… I do know Axel – if you're happy and in a stable relationship then you shouldn't be thinking about him. I love him, but I wouldn't trade in any current relationship to be with him. He's selfish and unreliable and does whatever feels good at the time."

"I wasn't going to—" he had said.

"C'mon, Roxas. It's obvious as day that you guys like each other. I don't know what's going on in your life but don't lead him on, and don't destroy your current relationship to be with him. It won't be worth it." The pointed stare she had given him had decimated his good mood and shattered his insides. He had been forced into complete silence.

"Oh God, don't tell him I said that. He'll be so mad," she had begged several moments later, looking genuinely concerned.

His brain had restarted at that remark. "What happens when he gets mad?"

"He yells and has a fit and you won't hear the end of it for a whole month. He's got a bit of a short fuse."

And Roxas could now attest to that short fuse after the treatment he had received at the bar after having missed Axel's birthday. So, he was way more inclined to believe all the other things Kairi had said about Axel too. She was a close personal friend, after all. So surely, if anyone knew Axel well, it would be her.

Roxas wanted to discount Kairi's words so badly though – the ones that said Axel was only doing things for his own gratification and the hint that he would leave Roxas as soon as he got bored. He felt torn between what he had seen for himself and what he had heard of Axel. In the end, it seemed to always come back to the fact that he just couldn't throw away what he had with Vanitas.

Roxas just didn't know what to do.

The more he replayed it in his head, the more he thought that maybe it hadn't been such a regrettable conversation. After all, it had made him think twice sometimes and played in his head the most when he was feeling excessively enamored with Axel. Not that it actually seemed to matter. He had still gone ahead and given the man the silly penguin. He had still kissed Axel, still yearned to see him, still spent a lot of energy and time thinking about him even now.

He had done all these things because for some reason he had decided he wanted to leave the door open. He wanted to believe that Axel wouldn't discard him like a used tissue if they somehow ever ended up being together.

Therein lay the whole problem. Roxas was letting Axel have an in with him when he knew he should have the door bolted shut. It was too cruel on the both of them. Roxas would never leave Vanitas. Yes, they had their ups and downs, but he was pretty sure every relationship was like that.

He told himself that the fantasy of being with Axel was so much better than the reality would ever be. It would go the same way all relationships went. He could admit that his own relationship had gotten very stale. Seven years did that quite easily. It would just be the same with Axel. In fact, the staleness would hit even sooner because Axel dreamed big and was interesting and fun and outgoing, and Roxas was none of those things. Their sparkling romance would end all too soon and Roxas would be alone, and financially worse off. At least Vanitas loved to keep Roxas close and take care of his needs. He couldn't expect that of Axel. He didn't want that of Axel.

But if he could… well. The dream was too nice to throw away. The wish too precious and beautiful to never entertain again. Roxas didn't want to go back to his mundane reality. He wanted to feel wanted and desired by someone as exciting as Axel.

Roxas sighed and dropped the penguin back into the box, shutting and packing it away. Living this dual existence – this dual love – didn't seem to be working out for anyone involved. He was neglecting Vanitas, he was putting undue strain on Axel, and Roxas was just hurting all three of them simultaneously.

The dream would end… eventually. By force or by choice. Roxas opted to let fate decide instead of having the onus be on himself, so he rolled his chair back over to his larger workspace and got on with the jacket assembly.

Putting the jacket together took far longer than expected. Roxas was met with several website requests in quick succession, so those were his priority. Getting more money would be good. It meant he could afford to go shopping for more materials. He wanted a larger choice of studs and chains, and to see what patches were available.

He got the smaller accessory jobs out of the way first before tackling the more elaborate vest and trousers. With the items shipped and the money transferred to Vanitas, who then took it out and handed the cash to Roxas, he was able to go on a shopping spree of sorts.

Vanitas couldn't give him a valid excuse not to go out shopping, so Roxas reveled in spending a whole guilt-free day going to arts and crafts stores. So, with more materials in stock Roxas worked on Axel's jacket in his available spare time, of which there still wasn't much.

Vanitas would come into his room, despite the door being shut and the earbuds in and ask, "Why're you still working on that? Come watch the news with me. I haven't seen you all day."

Roxas couldn't refuse.

The longer it took to complete the jacket, the more Roxas yearned to take a right down that side-alley every time Vanitas told him to come to his work.

And some days Roxas actually did. But he told himself it was all right because those were always the days Axel didn't work.

Sometimes, he'd stand wistfully on the other side of the road for a few moments and look up to the rooftop, spying the water tower peeking over the wall. He'd think of the box hiding a scratchy fleece blanket, which in turn unleashed a torrent of memories and feelings for him. As much as Roxas wanted to, he never set foot in the place. Not that it mattered much. Without Axel, the bar was a hollow shell anyway.

Roxas really needed to finish the jacket. It was a constant reminder. He couldn't work on it for more than five minutes before his mind wandered to its intended recipient. That was detrimental to the whole, 'you have a boyfriend and shouldn't be thinking of anyone else,' thing.

He tried to tell himself that it had been long enough now that Axel shouldn't care about him anymore. That the man's fleeting affections had run its course. But it did nothing to quell his own thoughts and desires. In fact, it just made him feel lonelier.

So Roxas was determined to get the jacket done ASAP, so he could truly try to move on. But it was proving tough because more work came in and Vanitas demanded more of Roxas' attention. They went out to multiple work functions a week, and when they stayed home Vanitas wanted a lot of quality time, making Roxas' rectum quite sore.

Vanitas was getting testy, asking, "Finished the jacket?" every couple of days. Roxas ignored him whenever possible. It turned into a more pointed question one weekday when Vanitas said, "Why're you working so hard on this ugly old thing?" He picked at the sleeves, while Roxas was busy sewing patches on and adding other small embellishments.

"I told you, it's for practice. Just a pet project to keep my skills sharp while I wait for more work to come through," had been his annoyed response.

Vanitas gave him such a deeply uncomfortable, critical look, forcing Roxas to abandon his work and go after Vanitas as he quietly stormed out.

If Roxas was paranoid – which he wasn't – he would have thought Vanitas was doing this stuff on purpose, because he might suspect who the jacket was for, and absolutely hate it. So Roxas absolutely needed this to be done as soon as he could.

When Roxas did get some quiet time – and could shut his mind up – he was blissfully consumed in the creative process. Eventually, he got all 138 studs of varying sizes and shapes in over several weeks, hooked chains up, and lastly, embroidered Axel's initials and attached some choice patches, one of which was a little penguin he had found.

The thing felt quite weighty by the end of it, which worried Roxas. He kept examining, and re-examining it, adding things, taking things off, and generally just fiddling with it until his brain would scream at him that it was perfect and that he should stop. And maybe a small part of himself didn't want this to ever be finished because it would mean that he should really try and put an end to his affections.

Sadly, the month apart hadn't moved him closer to that end goal of having his feelings diminish. So maybe he had to give up on fate choosing for him. Maybe he had to make a deliberate choice. But there was no rush. There would be plenty of time to decide after he had given the jacket to Axel. Maybe not working on something that constantly reminded him of Axel would help clear his head of the man. Was he kidding himself? Probably.

He took a long, hard look at himself and with a decision made, he managed to get some sleep at night.

About a week later, Roxas got a message saying to meet Vanitas at work. It was a Wednesday, Axel wouldn't be working, which meant it was the perfect opportunity to go hand over the jacket. Roxas was sure he could leave it with one of the other staff members and that they would get it to Axel. Roxas couldn't do it himself. He didn't want to see Axel's face if he hated the gift. He couldn't see Axel's face if he absolutely loved it either. No matter what, it would break his heart.

So, he packed up and wrapped the jacket in ornate tissue paper. He looked at the package for a few moments. He couldn't take it back. He couldn't undo it. Taking a deep breath, he popped it in a bag and headed out.

As he walked down the sidewalk, his legs felt heavy and his heart thumped nervously in his chest. It would be all right, he wouldn't be seeing Axel. Yet his resolve kept wavering, even though he had no choice now. He couldn't meet with Vanitas holding the bag. He couldn't go back to dump it at home. There was no time, even if he caught a cab. He had also put in too much effort to leave it somewhere. No, he bit the bullet and turned down the side street, picking up his pace. He wanted it over and done with and to put an end to his anxieties.

He was at Organization 13 in no time at all. Walking through the entryway had always filled him with joy, even when he had come with Vanitas. Yes, there had been terror, but also excited joy. But today he had nothing but a lump in his throat and a sting behind his eyes.

The place was less busy than he had seen it at night, but there was still a sizeable amount of people around, hanging by several of the bar tables strewn about, while others grazed around the bar, like a watering hole in a vast desert. He couldn't see anyone behind the bar on the side facing him. He walked towards it, so he could make his way around the other side. But as he drew closer the sight of red hair – rounding the corner – brought him to a standstill and punched him in the chest. Roxas wanted to run away and hide. But he was in the middle of the room and the exit was too far away now. Plus, he was just stuck in the spot – staring.

Axel was a complete knockout in his work uniform. Axel was ridiculously sexy in his punk clothes as well, and Roxas didn't even want to get started thinking about how positively hot he was in his more casual wear. There was nothing Axel didn't look good in, Roxas was sure of it. So, by that logic, Axel had to be ludicrously attractive even in the nude. Roxas groaned internally at that thought. And then everything just stopped as green eyes caught sight of him and went wide.

Open-mouthed smile, too beautiful to look away from, greeted Roxas. Axel advanced and leaned over the bar, eagerly awaiting Roxas' legs to carry him over. Despite himself, Roxas was already smiling. His chest swelled with such desire and his legs brought him to a standstill before the handsome vision. Why did it feel to Roxas like he had come home?

"Roxas," Axel breathed.

A shiver ran up his spine. Axel always said his name with such fondness. It often jolted his heart alive. "Hey," he forced out, past smiling lips. It didn't feel like his throat wanted to work right now. The lump was still sitting there.

"What can I get you?" Axel leaned in closer, and his hand crept across the surface of the bar towards Roxas.

The warm, spicy scent that was purely Axel, hit Roxas' nose, making him lean forward a little. He wanted to be the recipient of the comfort and reassurance that Axel's slender fingers always provided. He longed for the feeling of the overly familiar and loving hand in his hair. He shook his head. "Nothing. I can't stay long. I just stopped by to give you something."

Eyebrows raised, "Oh? Is that what the bag's for?"

Roxas hummed in the affirmative while he sucked on his lips and hoisted the bag onto the bar top. He couldn't take it back. That's why he had done it like this – so he couldn't take it back – couldn't change his mind. He was committed, and it was killing him. "I wasn't expecting to see you today. I was going to leave it with someone to give to you." His heart was going to fail if it didn't stop racing so hard.

"Drew and Nancy both called in sick today, so I had to come to the rescue. Good thing too. If I had missed you I would have been so annoyed." Axel pulled the bag closer to himself and peeked inside. "So, what is it?" He reached in and picked up the wrapped gift. "Heavy."

Oh God, Roxas knew it. He should have taken off a quarter of the ornate crap he had attached. Axel would hate it. Completely hate it. But instead, he said, "Just something I thought you might like. You don't have to open—"

The sound of paper ripping could be heard over the soft background music and clinking of glasses.

"Whoops. Guess I might as well keep going," Axel gave a cheeky smile.

Roxas' insides knotted with adoration for the other man and he laughed a little from nervousness. "Guess so." His heart was in his throat. He watched Axel continue to rip into it like a like a child opening gifts on Christmas morning.

Once a sizeable hole had been created, exposing the center, Axel pulled the fabric out, which unfolded and hung loosely as he did so. Axel looked at it, maneuvering it until he found the top and held it aloft by both shoulder straps. The jacket obscured Axel's face. Roxas couldn't take it. The reaction was going to kill him, no matter what it would be. He looked at the bar top, intensively studying the grain of the wood. In his periphery, he caught sight of Axel turning the jacket over, front to back and back to front, several times.

There was complete silence from Axel. Roxas swallowed the nauseous lump of anxiety. He jumped a little. Jacket and Axel's hands slapped down on the bar's hard surface. The shock of the action made Roxas breathe again and he looked up. But then his breath got stuck in his chest once more. He had never seen Axel look like that before. Mouth hung open, eyes excessively wide and shimmering. Something between shock and awful disgust.

"Oh no. You hate it. I'm so sorry." Roxas squeezed his eyes shut and went to pull the offending article of clothing off the bar top. The jacket didn't budge though. Peeking, Roxas saw Axel holding on tight to it.

"Are you shitting me?" Axel said softly, his voice catching in an unusually high pitch.

Roxas' eyes were drawn up again. "I'm so—"

Words were swallowed up by Axel's lips on Roxas' own. A hand cupped Roxas' cheek, pulling them closer together over the divide of the bar.

Roxas became completely lost in Axel's touch. Lips pressed, Axel's tongue brushed, and Roxas opened up, tilting his head back so Axel could take him as far as he wanted and needed. Everything about the way Axel kissed him was divine – their tongues rubbing together – the gentle sucking – the warm caress of his cheek. Their fleeting entanglements had always been this way. Axel had always been what Roxas had wanted, right down to the gorgeous hair. But this time it somehow felt softer, more affectionate, and completely tender.

Roxas reached his hand out for Axel, catching and resting in the crook of the other man's elbow. Slender fingers continued to brush at Roxas' cheek but stopped as one of the tears Roxas couldn't hold at bay anymore, came in contact with Axel's touch. His tongue and heat left Roxas' body, though fingers resumed their soothing stroking motion.

"What's wrong?" Green eyes darted a little, looking Roxas over.

Why was Axel so caring? So receptive? It made his chest hurt. "You like it?" he sniffled and wiped tears from his eyes, trying to smile up at the man he adored too much.

"I—" Axel's mouth fell open again. He let go of Roxas and picked up the garment.

Roxas watched with trepidation as Axel slid it on. The whole movement seemed to be in slow-motion to Roxas. One arm went through a sleeve. The hand slowly wormed its way through the semi-stiff material, to finally emerge out the other side. The sleeve wasn't sitting too high or too low. The other arm went through the other side. Chains jingled lightly, fabric rustled. His arm was through, fingers fumbled with the zip, and pulled the fastener up. It was snug, hugging Axel's waist and torso.

Somehow Axel's smile got bigger. He spun around once on heels, slamming hands down on the bar top to stop himself. "I fucking love it, Roxas. I—" Hands ran over the breast panels which had most of the studs embedded. He thumbed over his initials, trailed his fingers down arms looking at each patch, particularly the penguin one, causing eyes to squint with how big his smile had gotten. When he was done he looked back at Roxas, brow wrinkled, and lips sealed tight.

Roxas clenched his jaw with nervous anticipation.

Axel's Adam's apple bobbed, and he blinked rapidly. He took a deep breath and reached for Roxas' hand with both of his. Roxas let him and felt the warm touch which melted his soul. The next words out of Axel's mouth made Roxas' insides seize up. He choked on his own spit, coughing a little. Hands squeezed his own with affectionate concern.

It had been said so quietly, he wasn't sure if he had been dreaming. "You… love me?"

"I love you," Axel reiterated, with more strength behind it this time.

Roxas took a deep inhale but it did nothing to stop his head from spinning. The pit of his stomach had lead in it. The sting behind his eyes grew stronger and stronger. He wanted to say something, but words failed him.

One hand let go and swept bangs out of Roxas' face, before knuckles slid down his cheekbone and came to rest under Roxas' chin, pushing his face up a little. "Everything all right?" Axel said with the softest smile on his face.

Roxas couldn't say it. He couldn't say it back. He felt it, with every fiber of his body, but to say it would break him. He nodded, "Yeah. I'm happy you like your jacket."

Axel's smile fell a little and concern danced on his face. Thumb stroked and traced Roxas' jawline, and intense, smoldering eyes peered into Roxas' soul, "I love it."

Roxas bit his lip. The words were unmistakably directed at himself. He couldn't say it. "I've got to go, Axel." His voice was hoarse and rasped with held back emotion.

Axel's face softened as he smiled. Green eyes sparkled with moisture. "All right. Thank you so much for this," he rumbled low in his throat, one hand vaguely touching the lapel, and the back of his other hand rubbed against Roxas' cheek.

Roxas grasped the hand and brought it to his lips, pressing a kiss to knuckles and breathed into it for a few seconds before letting go of Axel. "Bye," he said, his voice once more hitching.

"Bye," Axel repeated after him, holding his hand like Roxas had left a physical gift there.

As he turned away, the sob worked free and he shook with the force of it. Roxas rushed for the door, telling himself this was the last time. He hoped he could get his tears under control before he reached Vanitas.

A loud clearing of a throat to his left caused Axel to startle out of the cloud he was engulfed in. He finished staring in the direction Roxas left in and returned to the world of the bar and his job.

It didn't matter that Roxas hadn't said it back. Axel was clad in Roxas' love letter to him. Because that's what this had been; a declaration of love, a testament to deep feelings, a reaffirmation of a promise that one day things would be as they should be between the two of them.

He reluctantly shrugged out of the garment and lovingly bundled the jacket back up, placing it in the paper bag it had arrived in. He stowed it with great care in a nook under the bar, where it could stay safe and dry through the course of Axel's shift.

He was on a deeply satisfying high. All annoyance over having been called in to work, forgotten. This was the best day of his life, so far, and nothing would rob him of it. Not the grumpy faces of some of the patrons, or even the thought of being complained about to Marluxia.

The consequences didn't matter now, because kissing Roxas had ultimately been so worth it. Axel loved Roxas. He was well and truly, utterly, deeply in love. And he had to share that with the man because he would have burst had he had to hold that in for even one more day. So what if some patrons had been weirded out by it?

Axel carried on tending the bar on both sides with renewed vigor until he was finally relieved of duty.

He grabbed his prized possession and headed to the lockers, so he could get changed and go home. Uniform was discarded, casual attire slipped on, and as Axel looked at his old leather jacket, he smiled. It would always be special to him, but it was time to stop holding on to the past and embrace the shiny and super cool future.

He pulled the jacket out of the bag. Axel gave it another, now-more-detailed looking over. There were so many small details to observe that he felt he could spend all day looking and still be left amazed at a newly discovered nuance somewhere later on down the track. From the shimmering satin red and green thread used to embroider his initials, the placement and pattern of the studs, and the interconnectedness of chains, to the meticulously arranged patches. Axel loved everything about it. It would have taken such a long time to make, and Roxas had done it all for him.

Axel hugged the jacket in Roxas' absence. He pleasantly discovered that under the nice smell of new leather there was also the delicious scent of Roxas clinging to it. Axel buried his nose in it, taking a deep whiff. Man, he missed Roxas so much.

He slipped the jacket on. It was snug and weighty. Axel closed his eyes as he zipped himself up, imagining he was receiving a glorious hug from Roxas. He had it so bad for the other man and he wasn't ashamed to admit it. Eyes opened again, and he looked at himself in the mirror, glued to the inside of his locker's door.

Damn, he looked fine. He kissed his fingers and pressed them to the photo of Roxas kissing him, which he had printed out and stuck inside the locker. He ignored the way longing knotted his insides and gave himself another hug, smiling from ear to ear.

Axel then pulled out his old jacket and proceeded to transfer everything from the old into the new. Roxas had made sure that there were plenty of pockets for Axel to store his crap. Keys, mints, tissues, wallet, phone, earbuds, comb, pens, chapstick, eyeliner, scrap bits of paper, and several loyalty cards were all transferred over. There seemed to be a spot for everything, from a hoop with an elastic attachment for his keys, to little elastic loops for his pens.

He couldn't stop smiling. One day he'd make it up to Roxas and show him his deep appreciation. Axel slammed his locker shut and gave himself a pat down, making sure he had everything. In the process of doing so, he came in contact with something lumpy on his side. On closer inspection, he found another pocket. He pulled the velcro fastener apart and stuck his fingers into the slit. Tips touched something cold and hard. He pulled it out and examined it.

His smile broadened at the sight of the small object as he turned it around between his fingers. But then a sharp sense of familiarity cut him through to the bone. All warmth and light left his soul and deep darkness engulfed him. His mouth went dry and throat scratched.

"No." Legs shook. He sunk to the ground, his back sliding against the locker.

"No." Fingers and toes turned cold. Limbs stiffened, and everything began to hurt deep inside.

'No', he mouthed, voice lost, swallowed by the tears that ran and blurred the terrifying vision of the little bowing penguin. His chest quaked with shattering upset and hurt.

He had gotten it all wrong. The jacket had been a final farewell, a breaking of a promise, a full stop where their song should have continued to play.

The penguin clattered to the ground as trembling fingers could no longer hold on. He slid fingers into his hair, holding his head. It wasn't the best day after all. It had turned into a nightmare. Somewhere in the heartache, something broke. He had been so stupid holding on to a faint hope for months on end. Roxas wasn't going to come around. Roxas was never going to put him first. Roxas wasn't worth his time.

He gave a big sniffle and stripped the jacket off like it was electrified. It was still an amazing gift, but Axel couldn't – and refused to wear it. He took everything back out, put on his old trusty jacket, picked the penguin off the floor, ripped the photo from his locker, and shoved the memories of Roxas deep into the dark depths of the void before him, where he wouldn't be able to see them.

Axel was done waiting and caring. He was going to get laid tonight.