Episode 9: The Ultimate Evil
It's another day at MegaMan Jr. High. The students are in astrology with CrystalMan.
CrystalMan: Okay, it's time to look into my crystal ball again. I really hate this part…
CrystalMan screws off his head and puts it on the table.
CrystalMan: Okay, let's see what's coming up in the future.
Images appear on CrystalMan's head.
Roll: This looks really familiar…
Zero: It's an episode of Full House. All CrystalMan can pick up is TV re-runs.
CrystalMan: Don't mock my powers! Are you saying YOU could have predicted that Peter Brady would confess to his parents that he broke the vase?
But before Zero can answer, a strange image appears on CrystalMan's head.
Voice: It is coming. An evil greater then any of you have ever seen. Tomorrow afternoon, it will come from the sky, a terror greater then this town has ever encountered. It will happen tomorrow.
MegaMan: I thought we were watching Full House, why are we suddenly hearing the speech Bill Cosby gave about rap music?
Zero: I think that was a real prediction.
Bass: Only one way to find out/
Zero: I have a better way. Let's just assemble outside tomorrow, instead of whatever insane plan Bass came up with.
Bass: Hey! Aside from the jell-o, hedgehogs, Michael Jackson, and cowboy hats that's exactly what I was going to say!
Cut to everyone waiting outside the next afternoon.
MegaMan: Okay, here it comes. We have to brace for the ultimate evil.
Tommy Tallarico appears.
MegaMan: AAAHH! Get away from me! Nothing can be more evil then you, nothing! Absolutely nothing!
KI: And now, the SUBTLE FORESHADOWING dancers!
A kick line goes across the screen.
Roll: I can see it! Something in the distance!
An object is hurtling towards the characters from the sky.
MegaMan: This is it…
With a loud crash, something collides with the ground.
Ceil: What is it?
Axl: It's a… person…
MegaMan: And he looks like he's inside a… sandbag?
Unknown: I have come. You shall now know the meaning of true terror!
Zero: Wait, I've seen him somewhere before… NO!
Unknown: Your death is at hand, it is my mission in life to destroy all of you! Face the wrath of… Jack Thompson!
Act break.
Act 2:
MegaMan:… Who?
Jack: Allow me to introduce myself. Ahem,
You can have your Sigma,
Your Tommy Tallarico!
My name is Jack/
MegaMan: We've already heard this song!
Jack: Fine! Ahem,
I'm Jack Thompson. I'm so evil and against gaming that Lieberman thinks I'm too extreme. I hate gaming and everyone involved in it! Also, if you follow me I can protect the gaming industry!... Why doesn't anyone ever fall for that?
Zero: Because I held MegaMan back from jumping to accept your offer.
Sigma: What do you want from us?
Jack: Only YOUR TOTAL DESTRUCTION!
Sigma: Hang on a second…
Sigma and Wily discuss it for a minute.
Sigma: You can't have it.
Jack: That's video game characters for you, always refusing my reasonable offers, always starting trouble, always sentencing me to be the sandbag in Super Smash Bros Melee!
Cut to the SSBM world:
Link: Think I hit it too hard?
Mario: Nah.
Cut back:
Jack: I WILL destroy you, make no mistake!
MegaMan:…How?
Jack: Oh, you'll see. You'll see…
Seventeen unsuccessful lawsuits later:
Sigma: You're not a threat! You're the most incompetent enemy we've ever gone up against! And our last enemy was a Dino Boogie movie!
Jack: I'll defeat you! Somehow…
An inter-dimensional void appears.
Zero: Something's coming out of it!
Axl: It's… a SNES controller?
MegaMan: But it has those things KI locks you up in jail for claiming games are still played with!
Zero: Yes, (shudder) joysticks.
KI: I was wondering when this would arrive.
Zero: What's going on?
KI: It's a joystick SNES controller, the red symbiote of our dimension.
Zero: That doesn't make any sense.
KI: Well, as you know, I control this dimension with a SNES controller. Basically, this is an evil version of the most powerful artifact in our realm.
MegaMan: Ooh, can I have it?
KI: No. Only a being of pure evil can possess it. We're just lucky no one here can, since we're only on episode 7 and Jack Thompson doesn't show up until episode 9.
Zero: This IS episode 9!
KI:… … … nuh-uh!
Zero: It is! Jack Thompson is right here!
KI: Then we must keep him away from the evil controller at all costs.
Jack: I grabbed it minutes ago.
KI: Gris!
Jack floats into the air. The sky turns red.
Jack: TREMBLE! I have absolutely power, and with it, I shall destroy all of you!
Zero: KI, stop him! You have a real SNES controller, the good one is stronger, right?
KI: Yes, absolutely! Someone using a SNES controller for good could easily obliterate Jack's evil one… the thing is though, I'm neutral to evil, so Jack's controller is stronger.
Jack: LISTEN TO ME! It isn't good manners to have a side conversation when a new super villain is giving his first evil rant!
Jack starts going on about how Grand Theft Auto destroyed the Roman empire.
Zero: We have to stop him!
KI: My full power is at your disposal, whatever I can do to help you I will.
Zero: Maybe one of us can use the SNES controller's true power. Can we see it?
KI: No! Mine!
KI runs away.
Jack: All hope is gone! To drive that message in, I'm going to wait 72 hours to destroy all of you for no real reason.
The characters run away.
Zero: There's only one person who can help us now: Tommy Tallarico!
Act break.
Act 3:
MegaMan: What makes you think he can help?
Zero: Well for one thing, the subtle foreshadowing/
MegaMan: How do you pick up on things like that?
Zero: And the Carnage reference. Somehow, somewhere, for some idiotic reason, Tommy can help us defeat Jack Thompson!
Cut to the characters at Tommy's house.
Tommy: Well if it isn't the GAYacters!
Zero: There's no time for… Gayacters? Even for you that was…
A few hours of ranting later:
Zero: Look, we need your help! A greater evil has arrived, we have to team up!
Tommy: I'm not teaming up with you!
MegaMan: I'm not teaming up with him!
Zero: MegaMan, you already knew we were going to! Look, I'll explain this in the most copyright infringing way possible: it's like when Spiderman and Venom had to team up to fight Carnage.
MegaMan: What does that have to do with us?
Zero: Tommy is Venom, we're Spiderman/
MegaMan: We can't all be one person!
Zero: Look, that isn't the… fine, you're Spiderman/
Bass: I want to be Spiderman!
Zero: That doesn't matter/
Tommy: I want to be the Incredible Hulk!
Zero: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO WE ARE! The important thing is, Jack Thompson is Carnage/
Carnage: Don't compare me to him, I have feelings to you know!
Carnage walks away sulking.
Zero: Look, the point is we have to team up. Although I'm not sure what it is yet, Tommy obviously has something that we need to defeat Jack.
KI appears.
KI: I've figured it out!
KI goes into a long winded explanation. A few hours later:
KI: And THAT… is why I should get to be Spiderman.
Zero: TELL US HOW TO DEFEAT JACK YOU GRISSING IDIOT!
KI: Fine. The evil energy from the SNES controller gravitates towards anyone evil or annoying. Tommy may be able to steal some of the power from Jack. If he does that, I should be able to seal him away, so that he'll be relegated to ProtoMan status, only having an important role in a few episodes.
MegaMan: Wait, do we have any role in this?
KI: You have the most important job of all. Contact Spiderman and ask which of us gets to be him.
Jack Thompson comes crashing through the wall.
Jack: Your 72 hours are up! Time to be destroyed!
Zero: It's only been 6 hours!
Jack: All you robots are on glitches or something!
Zero: Tommy! Now!
Tommy: Face the wrath of the Incredible Hulk!
Tommy starts absorbing some of the evil energy.
Jack: That's mine! There's only room for one real life, video game related occurring villain on this show!
Zero: KI! Seal him!
KI: I understand completely.
KI throws a Pokeball.
KI: Seel! Attack!
Zero: NO!
Jack takes his power back from Tommy, and knocks Tommy unconscious.
Jack: Did you REALLY think that video game characters could defeat the worst lawyer in the world?
KI: Wait a second, I made an error in the math when I was calculating the power levels. Turns out I'm actually ten times more powerful then Jack.
Jack: No one can defeat me! I'll destroy you, AND I'll get to be Spiderman!
KI: SNES… CONTROL!
Jack Thompson and all the traces of his power vanish.
KI: And once again, team work proves to be useless.
And so the day is saved. Stay tuned for the next MegaMan Jr. High!