He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.

Friedrich Nietzsche

Finding Reasons

Michonne was worried about Carol. Daryl and Rick had disappeared eight days ago and Carol had barely been out of the house since then except for self-defense classes and an occasional visit to her older friends. Carol had finished in the basement. The drywall was up, mudded, sanded, and now painted. Abraham and Morgan had laid the flooring and Carl had moved downstairs. Carl's old room was Sam's and Carol had painted it and added bookshelves. Carol was always engaged in something useful, but the spark was gone.

Carol was just too damn good. Michonne was afraid that Carol was truly going to turn into the happy homemaker that she had pretended to be before. It was great to have hot meals and clean clothes. The house was immaculate but she'd rather have the woman who blew up Terminus around. That woman had a snarky sense of humor and was bluntly perceptive.

Michonne had talked this over with Morgan who gently reminded her that work was Carol's therapy. Carol wasn't going to just sit there and brood about Daryl and Rick being gone. They both knew that she cried in her bedroom every night.

Michonne shook her braids at him, "She needs a diversion. A change of scenery. She needs a road trip and I know where she needs to go."

Morgan smiled at her, "I think you need the road trip too. Now where do you want to go? Aaron and I have been back to the warehouse and there is no sign of them."

"The Thompsons left a will giving Carol a house in mountains. Let's take Carol there to look at it. It's a little over a hundred miles from here." Michonne had asked Deanna about the place and together they had mapped a quick route.

Deanna had expressed her desire to see the place again but she didn't dare leave Alexandria right now. "I'm afraid that I would come back to find somebody else in charge."

Aaron was familiar with the area, "Eric and I went there last fall. There was a small farming settlement there. Half of them were Mennonites that had lived in that valley forever and the others had drifted in there after the Turn and become farmers. They were all working hard to get ready for winter. No one was willing to leave Salem Valley to come to Alexandria."

"They were a functional group. The Mennonites knew how to farm and a few of the newcomers had been soldiers and knew how to fight. They worked together to camouflage the turnoff to the valley and built fences and road blocks. I hope they made it." Aaron was suddenly worried that the Wolves might have found Salem Valley. He turned to Morgan and Michonne, "Let's go tomorrow."

The only person who seemed to think this was a bad idea was Carol. She was too listless to fight them off and half-heartedly agreed. Sam had wanted to go but the four adults shut that down. He sulked and went into his room slamming the door. Rosita and Tara agreed to help Sasha with Judith. Carl pretended to be miffed about being left out, but he liked being the man of the house too.

Carol made a list of things to take and Michonne saw a glimmer of the old Carol. At least she stopped scouring the oven long enough to write a few things down. Sam seemed resigned and helped Carol gather things that they might need. The Land Rover seemed like a good choice and Sam dutifully toted things to the vehicle and packed them in. He even added more blankets than they could possible need heaping them high in the cargo area.

Sam followed Carol like a shadow all evening and he hugged and kissed her before he went to bed. They were leaving early the next morning. Carol hugged him back, "You be good now. Don't be up to any schemes while I'm gone." There was a trace of the old Carol when she said, "At least not without me."

"It wouldn't be any fun without you. Don't worry about me. I'll be safe because I'll stay close to those who protects me." Sam hugged and kissed Morgan and Michonne and then went upstairs.

They left early the next morning. Carol hadn't slept much and she was up even earlier than she needed to be. She dressed, grabbed her run bag, and then checked on Sam and Judith. Both were snug in their beds and she felt a distinct pang on leaving them.

Michonne was already up and on her way downstairs to check on Carl. Rosita and Tara stumbled in half asleep. Sasha had just finished watch and for a little bit the house was noisy. Aaron came in laughing about the cargo area being filled with provisions. "We're only staying overnight."

Carol had been busy making coffee and packing their breakfast. "Sam kept adding blankets. He thinks the mountains are going to be cold at night." She debated about going upstairs and checking on him again. She decided against it. He might wake up and be upset all over again.

Aaron waved to Eric as they passed their house, "I love him with all my heart, but it is good to be back on the road. His hovering is driving me crazy."

Carol hadn't been out of Alexandria since the day she had met Daryl and Rick to hand out guns. It did feel good to see trees and hills and not just walls surrounding you. They drank coffee and ate muffins. She was a little worried at how relaxed she was with Aaron and Morgan.

The time passed quickly and Aaron knew all sorts of historical facts about this part of Virginia and he seemed to enjoy his role as travel guide. His route was through Virginia farmland and there were only a few walkers out on the road this morning. It was a good day for a road trip. The hills were starting to look more like mountains when they crossed the border into West Virginia. Not long after that Aaron took a turnoff and drove a few miles along a sparkling river. "We're getting close". He pulled off the road and carefully drove the Land Rover down into a creek bed that flowed into the river. Aaron drove upstream for a hundred yards or so. There was a gravel road exiting the creek bed and then they were back on a paved road. Aaron drove another mile or so before he turned the vehicle so that it was turned to go back the way it came, "Michonne, take the wheel. Keep an eye out. If I don't come back in thirty minutes; leave and if you see or hear that spooks you. Get out of here."

There was a rustle of movement behind Carol and she instinctively brought her knife up. Sam was sitting in the cargo area blinking in the light. The fear that she might have stabbed him before she recognized him made her voiced come out meaner than she intended, "What in the hell are you doing here? I almost killed you."

Sam grinned at her weakly, "I told you that I would stick close to the ones that protect me. That's you, Michonne, and Morgan."

Carol hissed through gritted teeth, "You will be twenty one before you get out of the house again."

Aaron hid his grin, "Little man, get up in the seat and buckle your seatbelt." He disappeared along the roadway. Morgan and Carol got of the vehicle and stood on either side of the narrow road watching and listening for danger.

Aaron came back about twenty minutes later. "Good news. The settlement is still there and they remember me. I showed them your deed and the will and they are going to let us in. They are good people."

Carol and Michonne exchanged looks. They knew better than to drive blindly into a compound, but Aaron was a good judge of people. Carol checked her weapons. Sam was smart enough to stay quiet.

The roadblock was a large trailer and it had been driven out of the road far enough for Aaron to squeeze the Land Rover through.

A smiling man waved them through, "Welcome, to Salem Valley."

"We're going to stop at the Jacob Miller's house. He is the leader of this community and we'll talk to him and his wife before we go toward the house." Aaron had opened the window, "The smell of manure in the morning. This isn't Alexandria."

The houses and barns were neatly kept. There were children outside working with adults and everyone turned and waved. Sam had stretched himself over Carol to see the animals: cows, horses, pigs, chickens, goats, rabbits, and dogs were in pens and pastures.

Aaron parked the car in front of a white farmhouse. "This is Jacob and Esther's house. Let's go"

An elderly bearded man came out of the red barn toward them. He was smiling at Aaron, "So Sojourner you have returned." The two men shook hands and Aaron introduced them. Carol noticed that there was a large dinner bell by the front steps to the house.

Esther met them on the porch, modestly dressed and wearing a little cap on her head. Plump and sweetly welcoming Esther hugged everyone. "Come in, come in. Have a little something to eat and drink." She led them toward the dining room. "Maybe you men could sit down and Carol and Michonne could help me?"

The kitchen had a gas stove and a refrigerator. "The stove and refrigerator runs off gas. We have solar panels for light. There is a spring house out back too."

Esther was sad to hear about Karen and Jeremiah passing. "Good people. The farm has been in Jeremiah's family for more than a hundred years. They only had that one girl and she's been gone for a long time. They used to stay in the Jeremiah's home place when they visited but they built that new house a few years ago. Never got to spend much time there. The farmland is being used and Shawn and Jada live in the farmhouse.

Jacob and Jeremiah grew up together in this valley. Jacob wouldn't let any newcomers have the house. He said Jeremiah would come back someday. I guess he did in a way. It was his house and farm to give and he gave it to you."

Together they assembled a quick "bite" to eat. Thick ham sandwiches and potato salad and a homemade berry cobbler. Jacob said a quick blessing over the food and everyone dug in. Carol was embarrassed by how much she ate but everyone laughed at Sam's appetite. The scoundrel had missed breakfast. He was squirming with excitement by the time dessert was over, "May I go see the animals?"

Jacob smiled at him, "Why don't we go visit the animals on your farm. Shawn's dog just had puppies. Your mother wants to see her house."

Carol felt herself flinch at the words "Your mother" but she didn't say anything. Salem Valley still felt unreal, but she had seen that the first floor windows in every house were reinforced someway. Jacob had weapons in his house. The back door to the house was made of steel and the kitchen and dining room windows were barred. Survival in Salem Valley was a struggle, but they had made it so far.

Jacob and Esther led the way up the hill in their battered old truck. The steep road was graveled and they were able to make it easily. The farm was on top of the hill. A young African-American man and woman were working on a piece of farming equipment in a field. Jacob made the introductions. Shawn and Jada Davis had been graduate students at Virginia Tech before the Turn. Jada had been in Veterinary School and Shawn was finishing his master's degree in electrical engineering.

Sam wanted to see the animals and Shawn laughed, "I'll take Sam to the barn."

Jada finished with, "I'll take Carol and Michonne to see their house."

Morgan caught Carol's eye, "Aaron and I will go with him."

Carol held up the keys that had been in the envelope that Jeremiah had given her. The three women followed a grassed over lane that led to the tree line and then toward a large log cabin. The square-notched logs set so tightly that there was no need for chinking. There was a steel building behind the house.

It took a minute to find the right key but the back door opened easily to a large kitchen with stone counters and a soapstone sink. There was a gas range and gas refrigerator. Jada explained, "Both houses have free gas because there is a gas well on it. Almost every house in this valley has free gas. There is probably a gas water heater too. Everything is shut off but Shawn can turn it on.

Mary Thompson had designed a comfortable house. The kitchen area opened onto a dining area and the living room which had a stone fireplace and a view of the mountains and valleys. There was a dining room table and chairs. The couches and chairs in the great room were simple but well made. The large deck was made of composite materials, expensive but long lasting and Carol saw that supports were made of steel.

Jeremiah had said that he and Karen were going to drink a toast to the evening sunset from here and Carol struggled to control her emotions. Daryl should be here beside her. This house was Daryl. He would love it. Daryl would try to hide how much he liked it. He would call if a rich man's idea of a cabin, but she could him sitting by the fire working on his bow. He belonged in a place like this and not Alexandria with its houses pushed up together and the forest kept outside.

Michonne and Jada moved back inside and Carol gripped the railing and prayed that Daryl was safe and would find his way back to the people that loved him. Every day that Daryl was gone was weakening her faith that he was alive and would return.

"Come on, there's more to see." Michonne announced and Carol knew that Michonne was trying to distract her from worrying about Daryl.

There was a large bedroom on the main floor. Carol saw the bars on the windows and wondered again about Mary Thompson. She built her retirement house like a fortress. The room had a queen sized bed and there was a nice sized bathroom with it. The bed was unmade but there was a cedar chest filled with patchwork quilts.

Upstairs were three bedrooms and two baths. That seemed like a lot for a retired couple with no children, but Deanna and her family might have been regular visitors. This place would have been only a couple of hours away from the city before the Turn.

The linen closet was stocked, but the closets were empty except for a few winter coats. The pantry had canned goods and not much else.

The basement held the secrets. There was a steel door that was accessed by a combination lock. Jeremiah had thoughtfully written the numbers down. Carol was startled to see that the numbers were almost matched her own birthdate. Their daughter had been born a month before Carol.

Downstairs there were gun safes and prepper supplies. The room had been designed to survive almost anything and had a bathroom and lights that worked. There were MREs and dehydrated food. Mary had tried to prepare for every eventuality but there is no plan that can circumvent old age. Carol went back upstairs and locked the door behind her.

Jada and Michonne were moving chairs around the deck. Carol sat on the leather living room couch and thought of all the places that she had sheltered in since her parents had been killed while she was in college. All those houses she had lived with Ed. The tents at the quarry and the farm. The CDC. Those easily forgotten places while they were on the road before and after the prison. The prison. The only thing that all those places had in common was that they didn't belong to her. She had never had any home that belonged to her. No house that she had lived with Ed had been her home. It belonged to Ed. It didn't matter that there were a million empty houses now. This one had her name on a deed. Jeremiah and Mary had given it to her. This was Carol's house and she wished that Daryl was here. He would understand because he had never had a real home either.

It was just another empty house. A nice empty house. It wasn't home because Daryl didn't live here. Maybe in a few years things would get better and they could spend some time here in their house. Their house sounded better than Carol's house.

Carol went out onto the deck. Jada and Michonne had found three chairs and they sat for a bit chatting. Jada and Shawn had been together since high school and had just been married that summer when everything went wrong. They had backpacked all through these mountains since college and they had been on the Appalachian Trail when everything fell apart. Jada's cousin had called her to tell her not to come home. Her parents and sister were dead. Shawn's parents were visiting his brother in California.

She and Shawn had left the trail and headed into the mountains to find a place to ride this thing out until things got better. Shawn's first walker kill had been with a pocket knife and her first had been using a trekking pole. Eventually they wound up here in Salem Valley and they were still waiting until things got better.

Morgan and Aaron came back with Sam in tow. The boy was full of stories about cows and pigs and best of all puppies. Aaron was happy to stay overnight. He had warned Eric that they would take two days. Morgan had told Sasha that they wouldn't be back until the next day. So Carol knew that she would get to sleep one night in their house.

Jada and Shawn promised to bring dinner and all five of them cleaned the house because they were having company. Carol went downstairs and grabbed a few bottles of wine. Might as well enjoy being a home owner even if it was for one day.

They ate dinner early. Jada and Shawn brought two large pizzas that made Carol's mouth water just to smell them. Shawn had built a wood fired oven to make pizzas last winter. He said that he could face the zombie apocalypse but he couldn't face it without pizza. He and Jada had grown everything they needed to make pizza but he had to make a run to get olive oil.

Jada shook her head, "We have gallons and gallons of olive oil stashed away. Other people hoard weapons or food but Shawn has all the olive oil left in America."

The pizza was delicious and soon devoured. They drank wine and talked and the evening was filled with laughter fueled by good food and wine. Carol had found a jar of a fruit drink mix for Sam. She had also found a box of moon pies and everyone ate the stale but still moon pies. As close to s'mores as she could ever find now.

Jada and Shawn went home at dusk. Everyone understood the need to be inside before it got dark. Morgan checked the door and windows. The doors on the house were all steel. The windows on the main floor were either barred or on the deck which wasn't accessible except through the living room. Mary Thompson must have watched a lot of zombie movies. Thank God. He and Aaron were sleeping in the living room and alternating watches.

The party went inside as the temperature fell. Sam wrapped himself in a blanket on the couch beside Carol and went to sleep. He had successfully stowed away in the Land Rover and then had a long day on the farm.

Aaron admitted that Eric was driving him crazy or he was driving Eric crazy. Eric wasn't handling being housebound well. He had cleaned and reorganized everything in their house until Aaron couldn't find anything. He needed Aaron's attention 24/7 and it was making Aaron antsy. Carol understood; Daryl would be climbing the walls in twenty four hours if she started clinging to him.

The wine and the camaraderie seemed to foster an atmosphere of confession. "I came all this way to find Rick and we never got two minutes to sit down and talk. I think I could have helped him." Morgan was being all zen like and three pairs of eyes rolled.

"Consider your own place in the universal oneness of which we are all a part, from which we all arise, and to which we all return." Michonne said in her most zen like voice.

"What in the hell does that mean?" Morgan said.

"I don't have a clue, but I'm not a zen master like you. We've been a little busy trying to stay alive and not on the dinner menu." Michonne retorted.

It wasn't even funny but Carol laughed until her stomach hurt. Maybe a touch too much wine she thought and resolved not to drink anymore.

Morgan carried Sam upstairs to his bed. There was a room with twin beds and Carol directed Morgan to put Sam in one of them. She would take the other and Michonne was next door.

The two women found two chairs and set in the hallway talking. "I know that you and Rick are close and that you are worried about him." Carol was feeling a little guilty because she hadn't been a good friend to Michonne. Just thinking about how much she missed Daryl. Selfish.

"I thought we were close. I always liked him. He's a loving father and a good leader. I respect him and I was starting to think that we had a real connection. I love Carl and Judith. I wanted a life, I wanted a family. I thought that Rick wanted that too." Michonne looked away and Carol knew that Rick's infatuation with Jessie had hurt Michonne.

"You were right. We had been out there too long. Leadership takes a toll on Rick. He blamed himself for Terminus, but he was the guy who managed to get loose from his bonds and that saved the others. He was paranoid about Alexandria. I was too. I don't think he was really in his right mind then and he is better now." Carol wasn't going to throw Rick under the bus.

Michonne met her eyes and Carol saw hurt and confusion, "I care about Rick, but I am rethinking wanting more than friendship. Rick is a great friend, but I'm not rushing into anything. Rick is high maintenance and I'm not sure I want that anymore. I love his children but I can be part of their lives without being with Rick."

Carol nodded, "Things work out the way they are meant to. Give it some time. Rick is just starting to get over how things ended with Lori."

"He'll be back. Daryl loves you. He'll be back."

Carol sighed, "He'd love this house. I have missed him so much today. Sometimes I look at Sam and wonder what kind of father Daryl would be. He is full of bluster but he is gentle underneath."

"You and Daryl will do right by that boy. He's a hell of a kid. Figured how to stowaway. He'll con you into letting him have a puppy." Michonne laughed. "He has your number."

Carol laughed, "He has blue-gray eyes like Daryl and he has some of that sass. I would probably be stricter with him than Daryl anyway. We had one stowaway on the way in. Not going to have another one on the way out."

Michonne yawned, "I'm going to bed. We have to visit the molasses making party in the morning, Morgan is going to draw out some snares and barricades, and Esther and Jada are going to show us the finer points of cheese making. Then a quick safe trip back to Alexandria."

"Let's take notes on the molasses and cheese. That pizza was fantastic."

"Always the happy homemaker."

"I'm going to be the pizza queen of Alexandria."

TWD TWD TWD

Carol fell asleep quickly and for once her dreams were sweetly soothing. She was downstairs waiting for Daryl. It was late and he had went somewhere and she was waiting up for him to come home. She had a vague sense that there were children upstairs. Finally, Daryl came through the door. He smiled at her, "Waiting on me?"

She hugged him, "I always miss you when you are gone."

"You should know by now that I will always find my way back." He kissed her and ran his hands under her shirt to her breasts and squeezed gently. "Maybe I need you to show me how much you missed me." He nuzzled her neck, "I've been gone for hours."

Carol murmured into his ear, "Maybe I need you to show me that you're glad to be here."

"Sweetheart, that ain't a pistol in my pocket." He pushed her gently but firmly to their bedroom.

The big bed was made up with a double wedding ring quilt and Daryl picked her up and dropped her in the middle of it. She watched him undress, enjoying the play of muscles as he threw his shirt off. His stomach was still flat and he was still a man who looked better naked than with clothes on. Daryl smirked, "One of us is naked and on display here. Come on now, Carol. Show me the money."

She laughed and he dragged off her socks and rubbed her feet. He bit her big toe. "This little piggy went to the market." He pulled down her cargo pants and licked between her toes, "This little piggy stayed home." He helped her out of her shirt. "This little piggy had bread and butter" and Daryl tickled the next toe. "And this little piggy had none." He took off her bra. "And this little piggy went wee wee wee, all the way home. Daryl pulled down her panties and pulled her little toe. He stood for a few seconds looking at her and then scooted closer to her. "My show's over. Your turn."

Carol laughed, "I get too adventurous and your show will be over." He laughed, "Too true."

He moved closer to her, "So I have to do all the work."

Carol took him in her hand, "Not all of it. I just have this one little piggy to take all the way home."

The rest of a blur of kisses and touches and then thrust and groans as they came together. Carol woke up the next morning and wished that it hadn't been a dream. It had been so real. What was it that Daryl had told her when she told him that she missed him? "You should know by now that I will always find my way back."

They were on their way to Alexandria by early afternoon with molasses, cheese, and yes a puppy. Okay, maybe a few bottles of wine because that had been a very vivid dream. Morgan was going back there in a few days to help them work on defenses and he seemed happy to be useful. Aaron hurried because he missed Eric. Michonne seemed happier this morning as if she had made peace with her feelings about Rick. Carol looked at Sam and the new puppy which was yet to be named. Daryl would find his way back and they would be waiting for him.

AN

It is fairly common for homeowners to have free gas in my state. That was their compensation for having gas well drilled on their land.

Michonne's zen statement is a quotation from Steve Fontana. I don't have a clue what it means.

Next chapter will be a Daryl chapter.

So how about a review?